NEWSLETTER: "SELLING OUT FASTER THAN THE SMITHS AT A JOHN LEWIS CHRISTMAS SALE"
This Week:
* MUMMIES - Mummies everywhere
* INTERVIEW - Jonti Picking exclusive
* KITTEN ALBUM COVERS - Best thing ever
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shaving.com
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | our legs...
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| together"
B3ta ascii spooge 504 - 11 Nov 2011
Tattoo this issue on your eyelids:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue504/
Friends: [email protected]
Utter bastards: [email protected]
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us. We're cheap.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Mummies, Cats, Hamsters, CDCs, Snot & Thanks
>> House of 8,000 mummies <<
"Want to know how it feels to be surrounded by
8000 mummies?" intones Juergen. To be honest,
this fully satisfied our curiosity. Like a
walk-in closet of the zombie apocalypse.
http://goo.gl/qQFE8
>> Welcome to Kitty City <<
"A small furry dollop of animated whimsy,"
explains Cyriak. It's like lolcats ON ACID - in
that it features cats, makes little sense and is
terrifyingly melty.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Welcome_to_Kitty_City
>> HAMSTER HELL Chapter Two <<
Being a pet hamster is very much the same thing
as being trapped in a futuristic prison.
Probably. "Second chapter of me webseries,"
explains leehardcastle. "I just thought people
liked a bit of a series, like me gran wi'
Coronation Street."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/HAMSTER_HELL_Chapter_Two...
>> Women struggling to drink CDCs <<
"'Women struggling to drink water' is excellent,"
admits Pedantichrist. "But, let's be honest about
it, we all thought this." Crudely-drawn NSFW.
http://women-struggling-to-drink-cdcs.tumblr.com/
>> When I Had A Cold <<
"It's the start of the winter and I've got a
cold," moans Joel Veitch. "Still, it's not all
bad. You see?" A lovely sound from Joel's new
kitten band, although thank Christ he didn't
have the shits.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/When_I_Had_A_Cold
>> Freelance Thanks <<
Working from home? Missing the positive
feedback of office-based chums? Well here it
is, in virtual form, devoid of any context. Or
meaning. "This thing I made," writes
drawingisgood. Hurrah! Well done!
http://www.freelancethanks.com/
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: WEEBL AKA JONTI PICKING MAKES IPHONE GAME
So we interview him:
B3ta: What made you want to do an iPhone game?
Jonti: I like games a lot and this seemed like a
good way of actually making a real, actual,
gamey game. Most games on iPhones seem to be
really easy as well which is a little annoying.
Nothing wrong with a bit of a challenge.
B: What's do you think is the secret of a
good phone game?
J: Simplicity is key and keep levels or
playtime short. Ideally it should be possible to
dip into between tube stops.
B: What false starts did you experiment with
before deciding on the direction you took it in?
J: To be honest the game evolved into what it is
as it was being coded. I had an idea, all
fleshed out, but then reality took over
somewhat. There's only so much memory to play
with so we had to cut down on animation in
places. As a result, smaller sprites were needed
for some things but this led to all the
background characters being added.
B: What hidden bits are there?
J: There's nothing really hidden. The tutorial
is... interesting. There's a sort of Easter egg
in the credits. Basically we've laid it all on
the table. Unless the coders hid sonething from
me. That's possible. There's probably a picture
of me being sick on a stoat hidden in there, I
bet.
Watch the promo vid for the game here:
http://www.weebls-stuff.com/songs/Russian+Dancing+...
Or buy the game on iTunes:
http://bit.ly/vTVivE
PS: Don't email us going, "Boo hoo, why isn't
this on Android." If you do, we'll send your
name to the police, saying you've been sending
us child porn.
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Tactlessness
Last week we asked for the most tactless thing
you'd ever heard. And whether it came from your
own lips:
http://b3ta.com/questions/tactless/
* UNHAPPY BIRTHDAY CARD - "I hate buying
birthday cards. I hate the crappy designs, the
inflated prices for a bit of folded paper and
the 'jokes' or, worse, the second-hand
sentiments from the Hallmark Sweatshop of
Platitudes. But a few years ago I'd made friends
with a female colleague. I'd known her about 10
months when she invited me to the pub for her
mother's birthday. I liked her Mum, so was happy
to say yes. I nipped out in my lunchtime to get
a card. After looking at rows and rows of
inappropriate sex and fart jokes and 'too
sentimental for the mother of a friend' cards,
I finally saw one with a vaguely amusing joke,
paid and left. In the pub I pull the card out of
my bag and hand it to Birthday Woman with a
smile and a 'Have a lovely birthday.' As I do
so, I start to get a sinking feeling as I
realise the card I have just handed to this
woman - this lonely, 3 months a widow after
losing her huband to cancer woman; this woman
who is having her first birthday since the
tragic loss of the man she's spent 30 years with
woman - has a picture of three women sitting
round a table animatedly talking and one man
laying with his head on his arms on the table.
Underneath the image are the words: "The women
had been talking for so long they hadn't noticed
Jean's husband had passed away three hours ago."
(scarpe)
* HOARDING MUM - "My mum's a hoarder. Not to the
extent of keeping newspapers and bottling her
piss or anything, she just hates to throw out
anything she can remember paying good money for,
or can imagine a future need for. Anyway, last
year she wound up in intensive care after
developing a twisted bowel and succumbing to
sepsis. After a couple of weeks spent watching
her move up and down the grim reaper's to-do
list, she thankfully pulled around. The day she
was moved onto a normal ward, we were chatting
about how we could help her manage once she got
home and of course clear out some of the junk.
My uncle kindly softened the blow with, "Well,
if you'd died we were going to chuck it all in a
fucking skip anyway." (Greencloud )
* BRAZILIAN GIRLFRIEND - "So I'm sixteen years
old. The girlfriend has come around to my place
for the day, the folks and the sister are out,
and the afternoon is ripe for lovin' - or at
least, kissin' and some awkward groping, which
is the best a fairly shy guy such as myself
could have expected. But something is wrong.
From the moment the ladyfriend walked in the
door, she seemed a little nervous, a little
distracted. After I (finally) realised something
was up, I asked her what was the matter. She
refused to tell me. We played that game for a
while (What'swrongnothingreallyyesyousureyesoh),
but I eventually manage to get it out of her. In
a quiet, delicate voice, quite unlike anything
I've ever heard her use before, she comes out
with: "I've... you know... *shaved*." For some
reason, my mind doesn't quite realise what's
going on, so I respond with, "Wow... Well, I
have to say, it looks a lot better. I didn't
want to mention anything, but I'd definitely
noticed a little bit of fuzz there." All the
while, I'm gesturing to her top lip. The lip
that, in fact, was not one of the ones she was
referring to. There was to be no more fumbling
that day. It took three hours to get her to even
speak to me. (Ellinikos)
>> This week: Money-saving tips <<
I'm broke, you're broke, we're all broke. Even
that smug guy on the balcony with the croissant
hasn't got two AmEx gold cards to rub together
these days. Tell everybody your schemes to save
cash:
http://b3ta.com/questions/savingmoney/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Font of the week: Pubes <<
Curious that people keep sending in odd fonts, two
weeks ago Llamas, last week one made of vaginas
and now? One made entirely of leg hair. We lied
when we said pubes in the headline. Sorry.
http://thedailywh.at/2011/11/08/follicular-font-of...
>> How to deal with violence <<
Seeing as the UK government is systematically
dismantling our social services, it would seem
likely we're going to be living in an
increasingly violent society. Here's some tips
on how to respond to violence. We're pleased to
learn our instincts are mostly good: run away.
http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/the-truth-about...
>> 136 Weird Wikipedia Articles <<
Recently we've been using the 'reading list'
function in Safari to pop in interesting
articles that we haven't got the time to read
now, but will do for toilet reading later on our
phone. Here's the mother-lode. You'll be set for a
really long shit.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/805FfR/phocks.org/st...
>> Focus after shooting camera <<
We've made a promise not to buy any new gadgets
for a bit but we're sorely tempted by the Lytro,
a camera that allows you to snap photos and then
select focus later. Meaning that even
clutzfingers like us can get a good shot.
Although bittersweet news for professional
photographers, as it's another bit of deskilling
that'll drive what they can charge down.
Available 2012.
http://www.lytro.com/
>> Baby recreates famous movie scenes <<
We suspect the creator of this is a first-time
dad - who bothers making this kind of effort
with Child Number Three? Or even remembers the
kid's name?
http://www.studioarthur.co.uk
>> Drinkify <<
What music goes with which drink? Apparently it's
cocaine for The Cure and neat vodka for Rebecca
Black. Sounds like a party to us.
http://www.drinkify.org
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
The Kitten Covers
Geniusly simply idea. Photoshop album covers to
contain kittens - like debris from a parallel
universe where Marc Bolan is a cat and he keeps
tiny humans for pets.
http://thekittencovers.tumblr.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Six good reasons you should read more books
>> 40 memes <<
Band 'The GAG Quartet' (there's three of them,
our sides are splitting) play 40 memes in one
song. Best bit? Keyboard cat. Wonderful stuff;
it has all the excess of prog, but you actually
know the tunes, so it's fun.
http://t.co/NaOQDIuR
>> Ciao Berlusconi <<
In the week where the big, fat, corrupt lizard
who's sat on Italy for 40-odd years has been
deposed, remember him with this suprisingly
good sketch from Harry Enfield and Paul
Whitehouse. Let's hope Italy is not out of
the padella and into the fuoco.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tribute_to_the_Exiting_I...
>> Two US news anchors piss about <<
What they do when they're waiting for the
weather report to finish? Mesmerizing. Think
how entertaining TV would be if they didn't
spend all that production effort making
everything so monoform and let people's
personalities and quirks shine through.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Two_U_S_News_Anchors
>> Unrehearsed voice-over artist <<
Neat comedy idea - do V/Os for adverts without
watching the ad first. Frankly, some agency
should nick this idea and record hundreds of
one-take V/Os for an ad and then play them out
over TV. Would be a talking point and make it
stand out from the predictable norm.
http://goo.gl/LyjSn
>> M83 vocal audition <<
In the words of the high court judge, "What is a
M83?" We had to google it (some pop group who've
passed us by) but this chappy doing a comic
audition for backing vocalist? Brought joy to
our tiny mouse-like hearts.
http://vimeo.com/31579331
>> Most O.T.T. Bollywood stunt ever? <<
Ajbeaumont writes, "This clip from an Indian
film climaxes with the hero on rollerblades
defeating a load of baddies in cars. The realism
of the special effects is a delight." We're now
scared of cars flipping randomly into the air
and exploding. Another phobia for our list.
http://youtu.be/_Z3j3IIMCYs
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
If Gary Glitter had a rap band
Concurrency writes, "Awesome band name. Guess
it means something different in LA. Or the
same, and they're just very open about things
over there."
http://www.allmusic.com/artist/p141915
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Population Challenge
Last week we wanted you to reduce global
population. Your favourites included:
* MONSTER - terrifyingly be-toothed
child-consuming visage (Fresh Water Mole)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10592486
* LEMMINGS - Look! Over here, everyone!
It's the new iPhone! (Joe Scaramanga)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10591102
* SPELLING - Elegant, sensible solution
to the overpopulation problem, at least in
English-speaking nations (anonymousreality)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10591289
All these images, and the highest as voted by you
can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/population/
>> New challenge: Colour The Lizard <<
This week's challenge comes from the very
earliest days of b3ta. Your mission is simply to
colour the lizard, in as spectacular a fashion
as possible.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/colourthelizard/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Prof or Tramp? Nobel prize or Hobo prize?
We were sent this by an anonymous caller,
clearly inspired by our retro quizzes of
yesteryear. Can you tell the difference between
university staff or derelicts? We couldn't.
Hooray for two groups that don't willingly wear
the handcuffs of smart.
http://individual.utoronto.ca/somody/quiz.html
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something ace and tell us about it. If you
are in it then you'll become famous and
attractive people will sleep with you and
business will thrust money into your grasping
claw.
Things we'd really like to see include. (This
bit is tricky to write off the top of our heads
so today we're looking around the kitchen for
inspiration.)
* USE THE WRONG SOAP - Wash your hair with
Daz, wash your clothes with Fairy. Does it
matter?
* MAKE TEA BY PUTTING THE TEA BAG DIRECTLY INTO
THE KETTLE - we must end the tyranny of the
teapot.
* REPLACE YOUR FRIDGE LIGHT WITH A RED BULB - to
make your food appear excitingly erotic.
Send contributions via the mail form. Or post
them on /links. Or just imagine them and let our
Psi-Ops read your mind.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look at
everything you send us. Even the shit in a jiffy
bag.
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Lovers: [email protected]
Twats: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Fred West with Rose
West. Stuff sent in by admiral crunch, jams,
dirtyscarab, SickRik, @flokemon, @akx,
ajbeaumont, al3002, mike woz ere,
@SpotOnWebsites, @davidnield & @njhamer. Top
Tippery by MrOli. Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW
bloke. Subjlols via HappyToast. Apologies to Greg
Davies via Sir Aunty Grampa Dave the Hat.
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TOP TIP:
Never put Pasta and Anti-Pasta too close
together in the fridge - the resultant explosion
could destroy your appetite.
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THIS NEWSLETTER WAS PRODUCED LISTENING TO...
The Wicker Man Soundtrack.
A one-off fusion of prog, folk and mentalness.
We've been getting in touch with our inner
pagan and jumping pregnant over fires. And so
should you. And at £3.50 second-hand on Amazon,
it's never been cheaper to soundtrack the
rutting of your rural neighbours. Must dash
now, just off to sacrifice a hare.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00006C2O...
