NEWSLETTER: "TESCO: WORK SETS YOU FREE"
This Week:
* KITTEN FIGHT - Man battles tiny cat
* CASSETTEBOY - Takes on the news
* CRAZY SHIT - being sold by Amazon now
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Happy Birthday Steve
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Jobs. Steve? Steve?
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| You OK Steve? Oh."
B3ta email 517 - 24 Feb 2012
Read this issue on your Barclays Pin-Sentry:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue517/
New friends: [email protected]
Dead to us: [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
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>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Vegetables, Trailers, News, Kittens and Judo
>> Vegetables <<
Singing vegetables encourage you to eat more
vegetables. Uh, what? Cracking tune from
totally eustus.
http://b3ta.com/links/vegetables
>> The Artistifier <<
"Take a YouTube video, make it black & white,
add an orchestral soundtrack and some captions
so people know what's going on. What do you
have? A bloody Oscar winner for sure!" opines
thegreatalbino. Try it with your own choice;
Megashark vs. Giant Octopus, Charlie Bit My
Finger, even Moneyballs.
http://theartistifier.com/view_28
>> Cassetteboy vs. The News <<
"Satires!" crows Cassetteboy. And here they
are, like watching BBC News after you've had a
stroke. NSFW.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cassetteboy_vs_The_News
>> Cat Fight <<
"This has taken me THREE RUDDY MONTHS to make,"
brags Ornsack,"In what is essentially just a
video of me and a mate beating up a kitten!"
Simply put, this is the most ridiculous thing
we've seen all week. And we've seen some things.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_Fight:3
>> Judo Casebook <<
"I've been taking words from Dear Deirdre's
Photo Casebook and placing them into the
illustrations of a book called Judo: The
Practical Way," semi-explains grandpabutton.
"I've since scoured the charity shops and
bought other books in the series illustrated by
the same guy, Yoga: The Happy Way To Live and
Knitting: Patterns, Stitches and Styles, which
I'm planning to manipulate somehow too."
http://goo.gl/bWG94
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: ShotDeadintheHead T-shirt compo
Five Tourettes shirts to win
Shotdead have given us five t-shirts to give
away to you, oh lucky B3tans, each one
emblazoned with the slogan, "What do we want?
A cure for Tourettes. When do we want it?
Cunt." All you have to do is complete the
following tiebreaker in 50 words or less, "My
favourite swearing is..."
http://b3ta.com/board/10701462
Or just buy the sodding t-shirt.
http://goo.gl/s4y1D
* LAST WEEK'S BRIAN BLESSED T-SHIRT COMPO WINNERS
Well done to Bourbon Fox, Pobblepop, Gronkpan,
SauronWibble and Rev. Jayneflakes who've all won
a shirt. All T-Shirts will be delivered by
Futumch in a brand-new Ford Tippex. Read all the
entries or buy the shirt here:
http://b3ta.com/board/10694997
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: LONDON HACK DAY
This weekend. Join in!
Cr3 / Paul Curry of B3ta coder fame writes,
"I'm doing SXSW this year and have got a Hack
Day organised this weekend. I really need
help promoting it to tech-savvy Londonites (or
those nearby) - and b3ta is a very good fit.
"We've got old-school B3tan Tom Scott helping,
and Charles & Tom of the Gadget Geeks signed
up as the judges - it should be really
interesting for whoever turns up - free beer,
pizza, lots of ideas, and the promise of
SXSW/Internet fame for the winner!
"Is there any chance you could pimp this in
the newsletter?"
Oh OK Paul, seeing as we love you in a sinister
way that only ancient Greeks could understand.
http://www.eventbrite.com/event/2999909811/
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Random Acts of Evil
Last week we asked for acts of pure nastiness.
Some of you have been utter arses in the past:
http://b3ta.com/questions/randomactsofevil/
* UNCLE TERRY'S DOOR - "Uncle Terry was a bit
of a spiv, but he was also an inveterate
scrounger, which was far worse. Post-war Hull
was being re-built quickly and cheaply. My
Grandfather, my Dad and his four brothers were
in various trades and thus busy on any of the
hundreds of building sites in the city, and
were regularly pestered by Uncle Terry. He'd
invariably be after this or that 'for the
shed/prefab/pigeon loft.' There were few
enforcers on these sites so it was easy for
Terry to sidle up, offer a ciggie and ask for
something or other... Now, family loyalties
were strong, so it was hard to say no, but
Terry took the proverbial, constantly after
something. His welcome had worn very thin on
the day he asked George for paint for his
front door. George disappeared to rootle out a
tin which was grumpily handed over to a
'Cheers lad' from Terry. A week passes and
Terry's back on the hunt again. Another tin of
paint for the front door. 'But you had a tin
last week!' 'I know but it weren't any good.
It went on alright but our Brenda said it made
the house stink and a load of flies got stuck
in it before it dried so the door needs doing
again. And she said she wants it green this
time, not brown.' George says, 'Shall I not
shit in this one then?'" (Bergamot B)
* POWER TRIP - "I was in the 6th form when the
school went from 13+ to 11+ intake, and the
new students seemed to be getting a lot of
money spent on them (they could use the
school's new Mac network, we had to make do
with some crappy old RM terminals, that sort
of thing). Mooching around one lunchtime, and
a trio of anklebiters go tearing past us. In a
fit of especially childish pique, I stick out
my foot to trip the last one to pass. Trip he
does, followed by a flawless forward roll that
leads him back to a running finish. Didn't
even break his stride. My one attempt to bully
someone for the heinous crime of being smaller
than myself, and I pick on the boy wonder."
(monster munch)
* WE TRIED NOT TO LAUGH - "Dear Dad, when your
8 y/o daughter has just had major eye surgery
and will, effectively, be blind for the next 2
weeks, rearranging her bedroom furniture while
she's asleep is NOT FUCKING FUNNY" (Smash
Monkey)
>> This Week - Corporate Idiocy <<
Frustrated by company policies that just make
no sense? Answer these simple security
questions, and tell us all about it:
http://b3ta.com/questions/corporateidiocy/
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: AMAZON WEIRDNESS CORNER
Creepy latex masks, fake B3ta book & drugs
Stock market analysts have been moaning
about Amazon recently; it's expanded by
letting in loads of third parties to sell
stuff via their site, which means the consumer
can buy pretty much anything but Amazon makes
less money per sale then something it
fulfilled itself.
But hey, we're here for the lols rather than
share price worries, and this expansion means
they really do sell crazy crap these days, eg:
* CREEPY LATEX FEMALE FACE MASKS - basically
so a man can dress up and pretend to be a
woman. Whether they then have sex with another
man and pretend this isn't gay or just wank
themselves silly we don't know.
http://amzn.to/xJzfNw
* FAKE COMPUTER-GENERATED KINDLE BOOKS - this
really is a con operated by trawling Wikipedia
and then compacting various pages into a
"book". This one, for example, is about B3ta.
Please don't buy it - and Amazon really should
kick this stuff off. It genuinely could gouge
money from the unwary for a heap of shit.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/613260749...
* SALVIA DRUGS - a curious one this, utterly
legal to sell but we wonder if it's a tabloid
scare waiting to happen. Our drugs correspondent
Dr Strange wrote to us about it recently,
"Remember you linked to salvia on Amazon long
ago? It stopped for a while, but I checked and
it's back. Completely legal to buy and sell in
the UK, and many countries. Probably because
it's too unenjoyable to be a party drug. It's
not psychedelic, it's a dissociative. Not
going to say it changed my life, but taking it
is a significant life experience. The most
insightful for me was taking it in an ad
break, my friends just got a massive 42" telly
and a beauty ad came on. I felt I was in a
dystopian future where millions around the
country would stare in silence at this public
broadcast of commercialism."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B001TLIR6...
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Jazz FM hacked with 'Porn Soundtrack' <<
Initially we read that as 'Tron soundtrack'
and, shamefully, we were more excited. Listen
here, as the station accidentally and
explicitly broadcasts an adult film soundtrack.
Very much NSFW unless, obviously, you work at
Jazz FM.
http://goo.gl/DnGk6
>> Japanese Fart Scrolls <<
Japan: giving us weird shit for well over a
century. Old Japanese art depicting the
He-Gassen or Battle of Farts. BEHOLD!
http://www.tofugu.com/2012/02/18/japanese-fart-scr...
>> Cartoon characters fucking <<
Out-of-context frames cut from cartoons where
it looks like as if the two characters might
be... you know. Surprisingly explicit.
http://outofcontextanimation.tumblr.com/
>> "What's the harm?" <<
Interesting/disturbing site attempting to list
the cases of all people who have been harmed by
a lack of critical thinking. You know the
drill: kid gets sick, family won't seek medical
treatment, kid dies, we all blame Jesus.
http://whatstheharm.net/
>> "Pixelfucks" <<
Hypnogifs to melt your brain. NSFW. Or if
you're epileptic.
http://pixelfucks.com/
>> Olde Timey Penis Illustrations <<
These would be the etchings our neighbour always
invited us up to see - and we never did. Until
now. Gah. NSFW, of course.
http://goo.gl/BwkrI
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a toaster that that plays TV but on bread
>> Ain't Nobody by Chaka Khan <<
Given the an acoustic treatment by Jon Gomm.
We enjoyed this so much we bought Jon's album.
He sent it to us signed "To The Ginger Fuhrer",
which made us unsure whether he reads B3ta or
obsessively googles people who buy his music;
then we found Jon posting on B3ta, having
opened an account several years ago. Hooray!
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Aint_Nobody_by_Chaka_Kha...
>> Royal tit gawping <<
Pentti Arajarvi, the husband of Finnish
President Tarja Halonen, caught perving at
Princess Mary of Denmark's norks. BTW: If you
look-up Princess Mary of Denmark on Wiki she's
the utter spit of Kate Middleton. We reckon
Foxconn has been manufacturing princesses in
China or something. PRINCESSES AWAKE. PROCEED
TO STAGE 2: EAT HEAD OF STATE.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_are_NOT_amused
>> Ad for Australian university <<
This should be shit but it's not. Which is the
secret of all advertising. The audience wants
to hate it and if you bring them round THEY
FUCKING LOVE YOU.
http://goo.gl/ZS2rf
>> Napalm Death on kids' TV <<
The grind-core legends make an appearance on a
BBC musical education show, back in 1989. Also
a featuring a young Craig Charles, before he
lost his looks.
http://goo.gl/PAswu
>> The Tin Pot Foreign General & the Old Iron Woman <<
Now the Falklands is back in the news, here's a
timely post of a reading of Raymond 'Snowman'
Briggs' book of the Falklands War.
http://goo.gl/cSk5X
>> South African Shangaan Electro. <<
Always good to hear music that sounds
different - the mixture of cheap midi sounds,
a stupidly fast tempo and badly-recorded
African singing sounds fresh to us. Apparently
"the song talks about hardships of life, made
worse by lack of family."
http://b3ta.com/links/Some_south_african_Shangaan_...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Oh god make it stop
Have you poohed your shithole?
http://bit.ly/Ad2hGu
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: CHORTLE COMEDY AWARDS
Vote Kunt / Sanderson Jones
We have to confess some cynicism about online
awards, they're often run as a cunning ploy to
increase traffic to a host website, whilst
turning all the nominees into unpaid advocates
running around posting on Twitter saying "vote
for me".
But hey, two of our favourite B3ta people have
been hassling us to help promote them and our
love for them outweighs our spider-sense of
being a bit manipulated into doing it.
So remember - vote 'Kunt' for the musical one,
and vote Sanderson Jones / Comedy Sale for the
innovation one. Your b3tans need you.
http://bit.ly/yHGkyp
BTW: Ooh we notice Simon Munnery is up for an
award. We *heart* Munnery. If we ruled the
world he'd actually be properly famous and
anyone who's ever on Mock The Week would be
fed to crows.
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Beards Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards
Your favourites included:
* SINISTER - magical and peculiar hand-
grooming animation (keo)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10693951
* HORROR - Hitchcock classic re-imagined with
Scouse accent (maiden)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10695912
* BLESSED - terrific live-action pruning of
giant-voiced actor (rattlehead)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10696991
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/beards/
>> New challenge: Austerity Britain <<
This week's challenge is to tighten our belts
and make austerity version of things we
already know about. What would Austerity
Olympics mean? What about Austerity Royal
family? Recreate Britain on the cheap.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/austerity/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* EMAIL OF THE WEEK - Ola.thorsen writes, "The
(New Zealand) Wellington Rugby Sevens
Tournament is basically a huge excuse to get
on the turps and dress in silly costumes. My
wife Lisa and her workmate Chantelle attended
as inbread cats."
http://bit.ly/AEnTk7
* AUTISM SURVEY / SKEPTICS IN THE PUB -
Tannice N Pendegrass writes, "I am conducting
a survey for a talk I am doing on Autism for a
non-profit organisation known as 'Skeptics in
the Pub'. My talks will be in March
(Guildford), May (Hackney) and June
(Edinburgh) and I'm hoping that I will be able
to go to other destinations in the country to
do the talk. As I said, I will not be
collecting any money for these talks (travel
expenses only) so I was hoping that I could
ask your members to complete the survey?"
Hehe, the idea that B3ta would be a good place
to run an autism survey? No tittering at the
back please.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/JGK72CM
* SILLY SURVEY FINDINGS - yeah? writes, "I posted a
survey on the /links board, had a great
response, so I thought I'd share the
findings." Amusing stuff. Keep at it.
http://modificationsofearlierviews.blogspot.com/
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: BIRTHS, DEATHS & MARRIAGES
Announced from the 'Newsletter of Record'
* CONGRATULATIONS to Helmsdeep who's now the
proud dad of young Barnaby Maximilian. He's
written about it here. Particularly
interesting as both parents are deaf and it's
a unique insight into the differing experience
of dealing with hospitals using an interpreter.
http://bit.ly/wJN9Au
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* A GUIDE TO THE CHEAPEST COFFEE IN LONDON -
there's a least £2 in price variation
between the cheapest and most expensive in the
same road (near to B3ta HQ).
* HANGING FOR PEOPLE WHO WRITE MALWARE - we're
pretty liberal generally but not for the shits
who write that crap and break websites. GRRR.
Waste our time will you? You will die.
* MEAT CAKE - Surely a Victoria Sponge could
only be improved with lashing of delicious ham.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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YAY: [email protected]
NAY: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by WiL,
barryheadwound, The Mock Turtle. Top Tippery
by 2 Can Chunder Additional linkage and image
challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is
QOTW bloke. Subjlols via Wildyles.
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TOP TIP:
Unpopular male b3tans. Change your username so
it looks like you're a girl. Suddenly everyone
will want to talk to you.
