NEWSLETTER: "THE PERFECT REPLACEMENT FOR YOUR OLD SLETTER"
This Week:
* SLOTH - Baby beast in cute PJs
* GREED - Your meatcake recipes
* SPIDERS - Horrible anim by Cyriak
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "What did you do in the
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | browser wars Daddy?"
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B3ta email 519 - 9 Mar 2012
Wipe our newsletter cock on your digital curtain:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue519
Myspace : [email protected]
Pinterest : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
How to not fail at life
Do you sometimes wonder how people get things
done? People who seem to be organised and on
top of their lives rather than constantly
playing catch-up? The answer is they use ToDo
lists - it's that simple: note down the things
you need to do, then check them off when you
do them. It's like having an extra brain, an
assistant who can say, "Oh yes, you need to do
X." And do you know the best tool to use? It's
called 'Pendactive' (Pending, active, done -
geddit?)- available everywhere there's a web
connection. Free to join so stop living your
life under the terror of forgetfulness.
http://pendactive.com
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Biscuits, dog, gifs, spiders, thoughts, things
>> Total Biscuit of the Heart <<
"I genuinely can't think of any way to
introduce this," confesses mattlees. "So I'll
just drop the link." If you though sarcasm was
the lowest form of wit, prepare yourself for
this team's heroic efforts to push the envelope.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Cobwebs <<
"Here's a new video I made for some TV
company," proclaims high-class animator Cyriak.
"Enjoy (unless you are arachnophobic)."
Seriously, probably do not watch if animated
spiders make you feel a bit iffy.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cobwebs
>> How to Think For Yourself <<
@Skeptobot has made a website, with all the
guidance you could ever need.
http://howtothinkforyourself.co.uk/
>> The Countdown Thing <<
"I got carried away with this," allows
Faceburger. John Carpenter body horror runs
riot on a daytime quiz show in legoland.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Countdown_Thing
>> HappyToast retrospective <<
"Every single moment is complete glasscock," he
brags, inexplicably to anyone who doesn't
frequent the board. What you've got here is an
extended gag reel of surreal hi jinks.
http://bit.ly/Aqez0V
>> OBEY DOG <<
"Here's a video (as in VHS) game in the
Atmosfear tradition," writes Dave Wallop. "Word
on the street is it's already gaining a
reputation as Ray Winstone's third best film."
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: TRUFFLE SHUFFLE T-SHIRT COMPO
Five DJ Vader shirts to win
Truffle Shuffle have given us some lovely
t-shirts for you, yes you dear lucky reader.
The shirts are fab - explore your dark side
with DJ Darth Vader. Five available for the
best replies to the tiebreaker (50 words or
less), "If I met George Lucas I'd like to...."
http://b3ta.com/board/10713616
Or take a Luke at the shirts and buy one
directly.
http://bit.ly/rWMefg
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
First World Problems
We asked for examples of shudderingly short
sighted self-pity. There's a whole world of
whiny here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/firstworldproblems/
* NO EXCUSES - "A few years back, where I used
to work, a self-obsessed harridan named Ruth
had organised a party to celebrate her pending
engagement to a wealthy, nice-but-dim chap.
Attendance was mandatory. The soirée was
scheduled for a Saturday. On Thursday, we
received the grave news that a well-liked
member of our team had suffered a miscarriage.
All of us were understandably upset and
sympathetic. With one exception... 'I suppose
she won't be coming to my party then,' Ruth
whined. As we stood there open-mouthed, she
continued, 'Why do these things always happen
to meeee?'" (Mr Twisty Cheeky)
* EMPATHY - "Returning to work after becoming
a father for the first time, a colleague asked
the usual question, "So, how do you feel now
you're a parent?" I replied that the hardest
thing to get used to was the knowledge that,
no matter how hard you try to protect your
offspring, something bad could still happen to
them. You just had to live with that fear. She
thought for a moment, then said "Yes, I
suppose it's like having a white carpet, isn't
it?" Probably best if she waits a while before
having her own, I reckon." (moon monkey)
* IT'S THE ONLY LANGUAGE THEY UNDERSTAND - "I
learned a few basic commands in Filipino so I
could communicate with our maid, and it turns
out she's Malaysian." (UHMUHRAKA!)
>> This Week - Lies Gone On Too Long <<
Telling a lie often means telling another and
another, spiralling out of control until not a
word of truth passes your lips. Tell us how
bad it's got. The more innocent your first
fib, the better:
http://b3ta.com/questions/liesthatwentontoolong/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Don Glut's Dino-sluts <<
Don Glut knows that only 50% of people like
looking at pictures of giant reptiles so, to
promote his dino-museum to the other 50%,
here's a gallery of women in the process of
regretting answering a modelling ad on
craigslist. Wonderful.
http://donglutsdinosaurs.com/exhibits-1/
>> Anus detection software <<
What's the first application that springs to
mind, after developing your Physical Linguistic
Image Understanding Engine? That's right, this
computer can now identify male and female
assholes from any orientation. NSFW, in the
sense that this is blurry porn.
http://bit.ly/qB7UeU
>> Super Morrissey Brothers <<
8-bit cover of 'This Charming Man' mashes up
two 80s gay icons who've seen better days.
Sings, "Hang Luigi hang Luigi hang Luigi hang
Luigi, HANG LUIGI!"
http://bit.ly/xXCw3g
>> The Scale of the Universe <<
Nerdishly fascinating scroll through
incomprehensibly vast and tiny things. We
learned quite a lot about nebulae.
http://htwins.net/scale2/scale2.swf
>> Amazing Communist ruin <<
Derelict Bulgarian building looks like evidence
we were visited by gigantic, socialist aliens.
http://bit.ly/yBoGlG
>> Vintage cats & dogs dressed as people <<
From the days before all your new-fangled
Myspaces and AOLs, lolcats the way grandma used
to make them.
http://bzfd.it/xJM2bC
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
It'll never catch on this web video stuff
>> Fresh guacamole <<
Amazing visual punnery galore, in this 'how to
make guacamole' recipe by Pes.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/New_Pes_animation_as_wel...
>> Ludwig Van Butt-hoven <<
Lovely lady gives a fascinating (and NSFW)
interpretive dance to Beethoven's Fifth. Not
sure we'd like to see her rendition of the 1812
Overture. Anyway, what we're trying to say is
Happy International Women's Day, darling.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ludwig_Van_Butt_hoven_NS...
>> I'm On a Muthafuckin' Bike <<
Commuter rage in musical form. Make way for the
homo superior.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Rick Santorum song <<
Rationalwiki.org states, "Poe's Law is an
axiom suggesting that it's difficult, if not
impossible, to distinguish between parodies of
religious or other fundamentalism and its
genuine proponents." But who cares? When the
lyrics are as amusingly shit as, "There's hope
for our nation again, maybe for the first time
since Ronald Reagan," surely we're all singing
along?
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Song_for_Rick_Santorum
>> Banksy on Advertising (a short film) <<
We live in world dominated by advertising.
It's easy to forget what a weird thing that
is. Banksy has stuff to say which we should
all listen to.
http://b3ta.com/links/Banksy_on_Advertising_a_shor...
>> Dollar Shave Club.com video <<
The shaving industry basically invented the
shittier end of modern capitalism: make a
product that you have to keep buying over and
over again. Odd really that Mr Gillette
himself, King Camp Gillette, was a Utopian
Socialist who wanted to turn the USA into a
giant Metropolis powered by Niagara Falls.
Anyway, here's an amusing video from someone
trying to change the razor market.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dollar_Shave_Club_com_Vi...
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: FRIDAY GAMES
Imagination time
We think you've been playing too many games.
Christ, you've started pissing yourself on the
sofa! So games are banned until further notice
until you can control your addiction.
To amuse yourself we'd like to suggest you use
your imagination to play some games in your
head. Here's some ideas to start you off:
* TV game show idea: "I'm Still Standing"
Punters bet on how long Elton John can stand
up for. Winner gets a 10% net of bets. We get
90%.
* Flash game idea: "The Grass Is Greener On
The Other Side." Two pics of grass. Click the
greener one. Theme tune by Nik Kershaw.
* Postman simulator: How fast can you deliver
"Sorry you were out" notes before you nip back
to HQ for a fag?
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: AMAZON SHAMAZON
Yay! It's the Amazin' Amazon Error of the Week!
If this is what little boys grow up to become
then we're looking forward to the Tory party
allowing us to get gay-married. Mouse over the
sizes from left to right.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0009NW89...
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Inject us with AIDS, what fresh hell is this?
* EYE DOCTOR LOLS - Flapjack writes, "I'm a
Brit living in Holland. Here's one for your
silly name corner, a Dutch ophthalmologist
called Dr I. C. Notting. She's number five on
this list."
http://bit.ly/DUHej
* THESE GUYS OBVIOUSLY JUST WANT THE ATTENTION
Still, it must be depressing working there,
hearing people crack the same joke day in day
out when they call up.
http://www.happyfinish.co.uk/
* POLICEMAN WHO COULDN"T DO ANOTHER JOB -
essexjan writes, "I was watching 'Cops'
tonight when a policeman with the best name
ever came on. I had to rewind and take a photo
of the caption."
http://i.imgur.com/ZfePF.jpg
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Dogs + Sloths
* BABY SLOTH WITH MANGE - doesn't sound cute,
does it? But once they shave off his fur and
give him little pyjamas our hearts nearly
exploded with joy.
http://bit.ly/AF727G
* BOXER DOG SLIDES DOWN STAIRS - it seems
wrong that we all casually eat dog meat bought
in Tesco like it's just cheese or something -
dogs are people too, you know.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Is_this_common_for_dogs
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: THOUGHTS FOR THE WEEK
Our minds wander / wonder
* Wouldn't it be great if Time Out magazine
was just page after page of toddlers on the
naughty step?
* Does female beef taste different to male
beef? What about sheep? Chickens?
* It would be nice if the FT followed The
Sun's lead with their Beat The Cheat campaign
- what about one for dobbing in corporate
fraud?
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: COOKERY - OUR FLOUR POWER HOUR
Meat cake special
Lots of you like cooking cakes with meat it
seems - here's two of your very best:
* BACON CAKE - joe.aule writes, "Whilst at
university, a friend of mine had a tradition
of making me a birthday cake each year, as it
usually fell on an end-of-exam celebration
BBQ. So was born: The Bacon Cake.
"As best I remember, the ingredients were:
chocolate, broken digestive biscuits, butter,
cherries & bacon, All melted down, mixed up,
then left to set. The cake is then iced in
melted chocolate and crispy bacon. It tastes
amazing."
http://imgur.com/O3kUO
* DOG'S DINNER - Speshal writes, "My friend
Faye made her dog Gary Robot Legs a meatcake
just the other day containing minced beef,
Pedigree Chum and cream cheese icing. I'm sure
you could leave out the Chum if you wanted to."
http://bit.ly/wlBYVx
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Bowdlerisation Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate beards.
Your favourites included:
* CRUDE: filth, reconstructed as fluffy,
inoffensive, family entertainment. (Drunken
Mademoiselle Heau)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706445
* GRUMBLE: popular free video service receives
the Carry On treatment. (The Silent Channel)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706377
* BLEEP: unbeknownst to most Star Wars fans,
that little droid originally had a right
filthy mouth. (Clay)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10706650
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/bowdlerisation/
>> New challenge: Hedgehogs! <<
There are 17 species of hedgehog, more than
enough to warrant its selection as the subject
of this week's one-word image challenge:
HEDGEHOGS!
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hedgehogs/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CLUB FOOT CHARITY - Araucaria writes, "I
don't know how far from the norm sending you a
link for charidee fund-raising goes but here
it is. I'm running the London marathon this
year to help the charity that helped my son,
who was born with a club foot. He's now doing
very well and it's my turn for some pain to
give back to the kind folks who gave us help
to fix him. Any donation is welcome, large or
larger."
http://www.justgiving.com/Richard-Midwinter
* BLESSED T-SHIRTS - we ran a compo the other
week to win some shirts; amused that some of
the winners posted their ill-gotten gains on
the board:
http://b3ta.com/board/10711537
* MORE EMAILS FROM PSYCHOPATHS - Chris writes,
"Always keep some LySergic acid Diethylamide
near the teabags, because Jehovah's Witnesses
always like a cup of tea and they always like
to talk. Video the carnage :-)" DO NOT DO THIS.
* IN DEFENCE OF QR CODES, SHUT UP YOU HATERS
RobNob writes, "At the university I work we
have put QR codes on the doors of all the
teaching rooms so that, when you scan them on a
mobile (using the free wi-fi network), a
timetable for the room pops up. Students and
staff can check if they are in the right
place/use the room if it's free. It saves
them having to type in the room code and URL
or finding a free PC to do it. Other unis have
spent thousands putting up screens and stuff
and all we had to buy was a laminator."
* NICK GRIFFIN TUNES - some of you may have
watched the C4 doc this week (probably still
available on 4OD) and the more eagle-eyed
might have seen the old-school b3ta titles done
by your very own Ginger Fuhrer. Also he wrote
a theme tune (the Oi! Oi! Oi! jingle) and
there's a longer mix here complete with glam
rock guitars.
http://soundcloud.com/robmanuel/nick-griffin
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* MEND TWITTER - Write a filter for Twitter
that removes paywall links so we don't get
irritated by casually clicking an article but
not being able to read it.
* NEW SURNAMES - Surnames often come from
outdated jobs. Cooper, Smith etc. Let's get
new ones. Tom Callcentre. Pat Shelfstacker.
Bob OutsourceAndAssetstrip
* TELETEXT GAMES - fatboyginge writes, "We all
liked the classic Bamboozle quiz on teletext,
and there are some knock-offs, but there isn't
a quiz that both punishes you when you get a
question wrong by making you start again and,
when you crack the code and teletext is
running slow, allows you to change your answer
to the correct one! Begging for a flash game!"
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Chums: [email protected]
Bastards: [email protected]
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The holographic Steve Jobs turned the iPad
off. "You can turn it off?" I said. "Yes",
replied Steve, "The inner party have that
privilege."
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: SPONSOR B3TA
We want your advertising money
Seeing as you've read this far down the
newsletter then yay you! You're OUR kind of
reader. However, putting the newsletter
together is both time and effort - and we can
justify this folly to our families by
getting the odd sponsored link. So if you're
sitting on some kind of cash mountain that's
meant to be spent on promotion then please
consider a few crumbs for us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Stashie,
mutated monty, @mintimperial, Arktic,
scoppied, rootsxrocks, JBrough, @annefgreaves,
taters, Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver, Nostrebor &
firebirdmetals. Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols
via Top tip via robneymcplum. Subjlols via
Drunken Mademoiselle Heau.
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TOP TIP:
Amuse yourself in doctors' or dentists' waiting
rooms by filling in all the People's Friend
and Take a Break magazine crosswords just with
the word 'death' spelled really badly.
