NEWSLETTER: "DELAYED WHILE THE GOVERNMENT READS IT FIRST"
This Week:
* VIDEO - Cats Boobs Rainbows!
* PRODUCT - Armando Iannucci Long Handled Shopping Bag
* ALIEN - The Text Adventure
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Good Friday
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | Bad Saturday
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| Ugly Sunday"
B3ta email 523 - 6th April 2002
Stick this in your web pipe and HTML smoke it:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue523
Legitimates : [email protected]
Bastards : [email protected]
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1
Trying to finish all projects before Easter
>> Goggle Dangerous Glasses <<
"I couldn't resist," explains Happytoast -
quick off the satire mark on that rubbish
Google augmented reality vid.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Goggle_Project_Dangerous...
>> Cats Boobs Rainbows <<
What happens when things that are individually
awesome are multiplied x infinity?
"Fffffffffffff fuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uuuuuuuuccccccccccc cccccccccc kkkkkk,"
exclaims intrepid experimentalist Faceburger.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/cats_boobs_rainbows
>> Alien the Text Adventure Game <<
"Ripley passes some off-duty time with Mother,"
informs Black Moon. Retro sci-fi keyboard fans
rejoice.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Alien_frustration_II
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: AMAZON TROLLING CORNER
Stupid reviews for stupid products
* ARMANDO IANNUCCI LONG HANDLED SHOPPING BAG -
as recently highlighted by Iannucci's twitter
account where he's pleading for people to "stop
buying this, a bag of me." , reviews include,
"My life has been empty and without meaning
since Sarah left me and took the kids with her"
and "I carried this bag through the streets of
Glasgow and was immediately attacked."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0055RX2J...
* £327,342.00 WRISTWATCH - reviews include:
"Very faulty product. I have bought four of
them" and "I have just purchased one of these
fine watches for my basset hound's 2nd
birthday."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B006H4L6G...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
The Great Outdoors
We wanted your stories of camping, glamping and
intestinal cramping:
http://b3ta.com/questions/thegreatoutdoors/
* CHINOS - "Last year we went camping with a
few other families for the August Bank Holiday.
I'd purchased some wonderfully bright cream
chinos especially for the event. The tent went
up a treat, the campfire was roaring and the
lukewarm beer was flowing. The chinos looked
just the part. A few beers later and I felt
what I thought would be a rather audible botty
cough coming. Hoping for a fantastic humourous
effect, I offered my finger to my fellow
campers to pull, whereupon I squeezed with all
my might to get the best sound. But rather than
the sound of ripped curtains, I, and all the
other campers, just heard a dull squelch. Then
silence. I had just followed through into a
pair of unblemished cream chinos. I was hoping
that it wouldn't show, but I was sadly
mistaken. It left an almighty mess. Emptying
out your own mess from your own chinos into a
portaloo at 1am isn't much fun. The next day
the in-laws came to visit, which was very nice,
but, as she left, the mother-in- law asked if
there was any washing we wanted doing and
without thinking my wife passed over the
carrier bag containing my shit-stained-chinos.
Gawd bless her, she washed them and never
mentioned it. I supposed it will teach me for
thinking Cream Chinos are in any way
acceptable." (Wildyles)
* SEAGULL - "Some friends had been invited to a
stag do down on the beach near Brighton. The
idea was to spend the day fishing, cook what
they caught over a fire, then spend the rest of
the evening getting trollied by the sea. So six
or seven of begin casting out lines. One lad -
let's call him John - was opposed to the idea
of fishing, or any bloodsport, as he put it.
After a few words about joining in, and doing
it for the groom, he eventually picked up a
rod. First cast, the weight and bait fly
through the air, wrap around a passing seagull
and plummets into the sea. "Shit! shit!" shouts
John, the line spinning off the reel as the
seagull splashes down. Another seagull flies
down beside the thrashing seagull, calling out
for his mate... "Squawk, Squawk!!!" John was in
a panic, he didn't even want to fish, let alone
drown a bird. "Cut the line!" shouts another
lad, thinking that, if you released the tension
on the line, it would untangle the bird. Ping!
And with that, the seagull drops below the
surface, the splashing stops and all that is
left is some bubbles and a rather confused
seagull wondering where its mate has gone. John
never fished again." (Dan dan dan)
* CUB POO - "First ever Cub Scout camp as a 7
year old, holed up in a large tent with about
10 other kids. Middle of the night I needed to
pee so bad so I crept out of the tent and
headed down to the festival style portaloo
only to find another of my fellow campers
cowering in the confines of the loo holding his
undies in one hand and completely covered in
shit. And I really mean COVERED in shit. It was
even on the walls. And the smell. Oh the smell
just almost made me puke. We looked at each
other and he said in a small quiet voice,
"Help." Without a word, 7 year old me slowly
closed the door and crept back to the tent and
waited until morning, holding my almost
bursting bladder. Never saw the shit-covered
kid again." (technocore)
>> This Week - Terrified! <<
What's the most scared you've ever been? How
brown were your pants? Wimper here:
http://b3ta.com/questions/terrified/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Horse / Cops / Horse penis <<
When N.W.A wrote 'Fuck tha Police' little did
Eazy E know that 25 years later a horse would
do just that. Some crazy muthafucka called
Sugar Cube. (And Dr Neigh).
http://bit.ly/HNYjec
>> Satirical maps 1791-1899 <<
Peculiar old spoof maps - exciting to see an
early appearance of Gordon Brown as 14th
century Scotland...
http://www.retronaut.co/2012/04/satirical-maps-179...
>> Google maps the wind <<
Beautiful, hypnotic, but we were disappointed
to learn that Chicago isn't really as windy as
we were led to believe.
http://hint.fm/wind
>> Beards from below <<
Facial hair is extremely weird, as this site
aims to prove, with extensive photographic
evidence. Beardless ladies, don't feel left out
- make your own website, with low-angle
pictures of your pubes.
http://beardsfrombelow.org
>> Lovecraft/Pythonesque vintage animated gifs <<
Does what it says on the tin. Then the tin
opens an awful, colossal eye and the universe
collapses in darkness forwever.
http://fluxmachine.tumblr.com/
>> Planes 'landing on the beach' <<
Someone built a major airport next to a beach,
then put a photographer on that beach and the
result is some spectacular picture-making.
http://www.josefhoflehner.com/jetairliner.html
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Cyber Beadle presents 'You've Been Famed'
* DALEK RELAXATION TAPE - Peter Serafinowicz
does a lovely little gag here. BTW: Google
'Dalek Voice Tutorial' and download Audacity.
That's your afternoon wasted making shitty
dalek voices going, "BALLY HECK! WE'RE ALL IN
THIS TOGETHER."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dalek_Relaxation_Tape
* SKATE 3 BUGS - watching 8 minutes of bugs in
a computer game doesn't sound promising but it's
the funniest thing we've seen this week.
There's a whole scene of people recording
amusing gaming bugs on YouTube - our other
favourite is the Tiger Woods golfs on water
like Jesus.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Skate_3_Lots_of_bugs
* GWEN STEFANI'S SHIT - Adam Buxton goes
topical with his take on Hollaback Girl. It's
actually very amusing and frightening to think
this song was from 8 years ago. Gwen is now
the mum to Zuma Nesta Rock - which sounds like
something thought up by the Microsoft
marketing department but nope, it's the name
of a real little boy that's utterly
incompatible with Windows 95.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Gwen_Stefanis_shit
* FAMOUS MOVIE SCENES WITH CATS - bits of
Hollywood mashed up with cats. Joyful.
Jollywood in fact.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Famous_movie_scenes_with...
* HITCHCOCK'S "REAR WINDOW" AS A TIME LAPSE -
possibly the most extraordinary bit of editing
you'll see for a bit.
http://bit.ly/HrYDlt
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Triple nipple of rude nomenclature
* ASA UPHOLDS COMPLAINT AGAINST SOFA KING -
apparently taglines like "Where the Prices are
Sofa King Low!" could "be interpreted as a
derivative of the swear word 'fuck'"
http://bit.ly/xqU4F8
* JEFF GAYLORD IN ZUBAZ PANTS - a double win
here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Jeff_Gaylord_in_...
* SAY IT OUT LOUD - Roladex writes, "Sorry to
prolong the agony that is Funny Name Corner,
but I felt this was too good not to mail in.
Last name down is funny in the most childish
way..."
http://www.gplectures.co.uk/video/24/
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: DAILY MAIL SECTION
There's a Daily Mail section now? Good grief!
* HOW THE DAILY MAIL CONQUERED ENGLAND - a long
but interesting read from the New Yorker. Stick
on your magic reading device via one of those
'read later' links. You'll thank us.
http://nyr.kr/GJrldB
* HOW TO STOP THE DAILY MAIL - our advice on
using a DNS block to stop this shit entering
your home or office.
http://bit.ly/HhGOFL
* OR IF YOU REALLY NEED TO KNOW YOUR ENEMY -
now that ItsyOtsy is dead the DailyVeil is a
workable replacement.
http://www.dailyveil.co.uk/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2
More B3tans doing great stuff
>> I hate DLC <<
"Remember when you just bought a game and that
was it?" moans Dan Bull, who hates downloadable
content for computer games. It is indeed death
by a thousand bee-stings. "The video features
the wonderful Steven 'Boogie' Williams."
http://bit.ly/I4C9qG
>> Branches <<
"This video uses annotations to let you follow
various branching plots," explains Weebl. Lots
of cute gags hidden away - see if you can catch
them all.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Branches
>> Paper plane from the 18th floor <<
Sipowicz was bored and in a tower in Mumbai, so
"I threw a paper plane - it goes quite far
too." Starts off a little meh, but the midpoint
twist is worth sticking around for.
http://bit.ly/Hjz5DV
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Extreme Spots for Kids' Toys Challenge Results
This week we're going to liven up the choices
with facts cribbed from Wikipedia. Hey, it's
like we're real journalists!
* BAGPUSS FREE-FALL PARACHUTE JUMP - Professor
Yaffle was based on the philosopher Bertrand
Russell who once said: "No one can sit at the
bedside of a dying child and still believe in
God." (herman:D)
http://b3ta.com/board/10731807
* PINOCCHIO WATER SKI - In the original version
of Pinocchio the titular character doesn't
become a real boy but is gruesomely hanged for
his faults, the book being an allegory about
social advancement. (mcmike)
http://b3ta.com/board/10734525
* SMURF HOOPLA - "The Smurfs' community
generally takes the form of a cooperative,
sharing, and kind environment based on the
principle that each Smurf has something he or
she is good at, and thus contributes it to
Smurf society as he or she can. In return, each
Smurf appears to be given their necessities of
life, from housing and clothes to food without
using any money in exchange." Basically Smurfs
are anarchists, in the proper political meaning
of the word rather than the propagandist
version. (chumpers's cat)
http://b3ta.com/board/10730528
And the American right complain there's liberal
bias in kids stories. Yes, because most
fascists are busy being fascists and not
writing kids books.
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/extreme/popular/
>> New challenge: Skeletons <<
This week's one-word challenge is Skeletons.
Show us your calcium enriched structural
goodness. Challenge suggested by Bourbon Fox.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/Skeletons/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* CASH CONVERTERS / CAT CONVERTERS PARODY LEGAL
ROW - blimey this company sounds a bit
humourless.
http://b3ta.com/board/10730868
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* PARANOID SCI-FI THRILLER OR GENUINELY MOOTED
GOV POLICY QUIZ - Can you spot the difference
between ideas in 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / The
Minority Report and the current direction of
most western government?
* PEOPLE I GET CONFUSED QUIZ - which one is
Mark Thomas and which one is Mark Steel? Which
one is Naomi Klein and which one is Naomi Wolf?
Which one is Spike Lee & which one is Spike
Jonze? Basically we're saying people with
similar jobs & same first names confuses the
fuck out of us. Possibly you too.
* CUNTDOWN - a version of Count Down where all
the anagrams are swears.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Funholes: [email protected]
Bumholes: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David
Stevenson. Stuff sent in by the wub
@unluckydip, horace wimp, writebac, Zuowan,
@mcala, szmytke, writebac, dirtyscarab,
EnglandGav, Mehitabel_Itrang Extinct Jesus
Dossier, TheTrampSurveyor, Herb Alpert's Taxi
Driver, sinisterduck, Uncle Grumpy &
mortonvillafarm. Image challenge by Fraser
Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Toptips via
TownsendsPublisher. When our children ask,
"what was the internet like when you were young
dad?" Slow, we'll reply, but you didn't go to
jail for lookcrime. Subjlols via Mushroom.
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TOP TIP:
Give prisoners being transported the gift of
hope by driving really erratically around
prison vans.
