NEWSLETTER: "ONE MINUTE YOU'RE TAKING REGISTER. NEXT DAY YOU'RE ON ONE."
This Week:
* CAT DETECTOR - No more internet kittens for you
* BEN GOLDACRE - A 'sexclusive' interview
* CUDDLY TOY - Stinky Daddy
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____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the coupons
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to get 10p off soup"
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B3ta email 548 - 28th Spet 2012
Press play then any key:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue548
Fuckwits : [email protected]
Witty fucks : [email protected]
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: CRAP GRAFFITI BOOK
(sponsored link, sort of)
Son of Crazymum writes, "A couple of years ago
you featured my website crapgraffiti.com in
your newsletter. Thanks to the many quality
photos of CDCs and random swearing sent in by
b3tans, we now have a enough great content to
publish a book. It's available here:"
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/009194862...
FREE COPIES! - "We have some copies to give
away, and so would like to give one to the
readers as thanks for their contribution. If
anyone sends us a photo of some crap graffiti
they have found (only pics they've taken
themselves please) and categorise it as 'b3ta'
in the submission we'll send a copy to the best
ones we receive in the next week."
http://www.crapgraffiti.com/submissions
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
You clever creative geniuses you
>> 'Stinky Daddy' kids' toy <<
"Inspired by childsown.com, I made a kid's
drawing into a toy," confesses Damini. "It
might be pooping a little bit."
http://imgur.com/a/dB5Af
>> The Ballad of Peniston <<
"I've just got a wonderful video for the ballad
of peniston," exults flaxen-haired stunt-cock
Joel Veitch. "I was done with the glorious
smearballs - cop your whack for this:"
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Squirrel jump <<
"Quick and dirty and a bit shit,"
self-deprecates smaggers, about this charming
revisit to an old meme.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quick_and_dirty:4
>> Gary Barlow hangs out with Prince Charles <<
Saint Gary sucks up to Lord High Pope Charles.
Grr. Aren't authority figures the worst, you
guys??? Nice editing from rattlehead.
bit.ly/Q81ket
>> Michael Jackson: Private Eye <<
"It's proper good. Promise," promises Jen.
Troubled US detective sets up shop in a new
country, but is haunted by the ghosts of his
whimsical past.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: BEN GOLDACRE INTERVIEW
On the launch of his new book 'Bad Pharma'
>> Sum up your book in a paragraph
Drug companies use exactly the same tricks as
quacks to mislead people about the benefits of
their pills, but drug companies are a bit more
sophisticated, so the science is more
interesting. Other than that, you couldn't put
a sliver of piss between them. Some of the
responses I've had from drug company executives
this week have amazed me, they deny things that
are very simply and undeniably documented to be
true. It's like fighting with homeopaths in
suits.
>> After reading this book what do you hope
>> B3tans will do?
I think the problems in medicine will turn out
to be like MPs' expenses, or phonetapping
journalists: people in these communities
convince each other that what they're doing is
ok. Then the public get a clear explanation of
what's been going on, and suddenly the players
are going to jail: MPs, journalists, and soon,
perhaps, some doctors and drug company staff.
Sunlight is a great disinfectant, and just
knowing about this stuff is a start. After
that, there is an activism guide in the last
chapter.
>> How would you save the NHS?
This vast, foolish redisorganisation will cost
billions, and reduce the quality of care.
Labour began by privatising the 'delivery' side
of the NHS: the hospitals, clinics, scanners,
etc. Now the government is privatising the
'commissioning' side, the planning of
healthcare services.
Most GPs don't have these specialist skills,
they don't want the job, but they're smart
people and will press on. As they slowly fail,
the job of planning and commissioning care will
come to be done by the private sector, as
individual consultants, but then private
companies will take areas over completely. Then
it's all over, but it'll take time. As Aneurin
Bevan said: the NHS will survive as long as
there are people willing to fight for it.
Buy the book, oh B3tans.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/000735074...
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
Shit Claims to Fame II
Last week we asked for your flimsiest claims to
fame. Some of these are worse than that:
http://b3ta.com/questions/claimstofame2/
* UM BONGO - "I went to see Simple Minds play
supported by OMD. We'd queued early and got
to the very front with our packed lunches - it
was going to be a long day. When OMD came on,
they seemed to have a bit of a problem. The
crowd weren't very appreciative and there was
some booing. They also suffered technical
problems and they started a bit of a diva act,
shrugging their shoulders and blaming the poor
techies. The booing increased, they got more
narked, and inevitably objects started flying.
Andy McClusky stuck two fingers up and wound
everyone up even more. He climbed down off
the stage to the haters at the front, slapping
everyone as he ran past. Satisfied with his
piss-taking, he went to clamber back on to
the stage. As he was trying to get up the final
section of scaffold, he struggled a bit. I
don't know what came over me. I looked down
at my lunchbox, took out my carton of Um Bongo
and hurled it at him as hard as I could. I'm
a shit shot at the best of times, but at the
exact moment he finally stood up on stage,
the carton hit him squarely on the back of
the head. Still unbalanced, my Um Bongo missile
sent him sprawling, star-shaped over the floor.
60,000 people erupted into a huge cheer. As
Mr McClusky rolled around the stage, people
began patting me on the back and congratulating
me on my accuracy with fruit-based drinks."
(Pooflake)
* VERY HARD - "My brother came to visit me in
Merseyside. I was DETERMINED to impress him
with my well-hard connections, so took him
to a bar that, I assured him, was proper
gangster. 'Oh yeah, the landlord's a monster.
Huge fella, done hard time. Big name in the
underworld. One of those faces you kind of
recognise cos his mugshot's been everywhere.
Me and him are sound though, proper sound.'
We arrived, got a drink from him in total
silence, and went and sat down. 'Gangster
then is he?' my brother asked, 'That's
Warrior out of Gladiators you fucking spastic.'"
(Wet-chinned bag shanker)
* PRODIGY - "I went to see the Prodigy once and
afterwards a journalist walked up and told us
that he couldn't use his three aftershow party
tickets and was giving them to us. I was queuing
at the bar for ages trying to get a drink and
being ignored, muttering under my breath, when
a hand slapped me on the shoulder followed by
Keith Flint leaning past me and shouting at a
barmaid, 'Serve this guy next, he's been here
ages,' before giving me a nod and fucking off.
I got three rounds in at once as I suspected
this would not happen again."
(Guntfuggle Quackblast)
>> This Week - ROGUES, VILLAINS & ECCENTRICS <<
We want to create a list of the world's best
nutters. We thought you might know some:
http://b3ta.com/questions/roguesandvillains/
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
* JAVACRIPT CAT DETECTOR - hopefully someone
can expand this exciting code to replace all
internet cats with pictures of Danny Alexander
from the Libby Dems.
http://harthur.github.com/kittydar/
* PHILROTICA - Amazing site dedicated to erotic
tales of Phil Collins - possibly in the style
of 50 Shades of Grey. Best line? "In a
last-minute homage to her famous host, she’d
accessorised with a pair of silver Converse and
a I <3 PHIL COLLINS pin badge. The effect was
electric, like the signature keyboard stabs in
'Sussudio'."
http://www.philrotica.com/
* FAT BLOG - Concerned of Tunbridge Wells
writes, "A wonderful blog detailing one woman's
battle against obesity and her attempts to wipe
her bottom properly. Contains a discussion of
the pros and cons of baryatric hygiene
fanny-wipers (apparently one's hanging, fleshy
apron can crush the cheap, plastic-handled
ones) and the relative merits of
sponge-on-stick vs blasting the tagnuts off
with a car wheel brush."
http://bit.ly/PKDjuc
* WiFi DONATION ALARM CLOCK - if you sleep in
too long it starts donating your cash to
politicians you hate.
http://ow.ly/e3GgD
* MARTIN LOOFAH KING - "I have a clean" - an
ideal gift for the ironic racist in your life.
http://bit.ly/TpRIAX
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: AMAZON TAT
Sticking the wee into e-commerce
* BEATLES STEREO VINYL BOX - we want this very
much but blimey £500? We can check if any
readers purchase this, via our stats. Are any
of you rich enough? Are any of you rich enough
to buy it for us?
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0041KVW2...
* CONVERT YOUR CAT INTO A UNICORN - worth it
for the photo of the grumpy-looking cat.
http://snurl.com/254uyhe
* A GUIDE TO ABANDONED SHOPPING CARTS - "This
book is easily one of the top four reference
guides for shopping carts available on the
market today."
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/081095520...
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Like a flickbook with an automatic thumb
>> 50 animal impressions <<
A plethora of amazingly accurate animal
impressions - stick with it for the lols.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Disappointed Hercules <<
Legendary actor Kevin Sorbo mistakenly reads
stage direction as dialogue.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Ex-punk rockumentary <<
Gem of a find - Ex-UK Subs drummer Steve "Ze
Suicide" Roberts is 56, living in York and
still rocking on. He seems like a lovely man,
whose real life resembles Spinal Tap meets
League of Gentlemen.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Toy train goes to space <<
Techie dad launches his child's favourite toy
into the stratosphere, with a camera attached.
Heartwarming stuff.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
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: FRIDAY GAME
Flabby physics
Confusing at first as this game hides your
mouse pointer, just keep pressing space and
you'll get the hang of it.
http://flabbyphysics.com/
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Probably more cornery than funny TBH
* GERMAN LIFTS - and not that Schindler's Lifts
one either.
http://wanklifte.de/
* WOULD YOU EAT HERE? @ajmaus writes,
"A Chinese restaurant in the fair city of
Melbourne, Australia, is a worthy contender for
your funny name corner."
http://www.kumden.com/
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Haunted House Challenge
Last week we wanted you to cruelly
manipulate a bunch of images we nicked
off the web
Your favourites included:
* TREK: to boldly be afraid of what no
man has been afraid of before
(Smallbrainfield)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10850867
* FAB: celebrate the arrival of the new,
vastly overpriced Beatles box set with
the cast of Sgt. Pepper (ya_what)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10851583
* MAMMARY: sheer terror combined with
sneaky bosom tap (Q4nobody.co.uk)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10850689
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hauntedhouse/
>> New challenge: Urban Animals <<
We are all used to urban foxes, but how
should the other animals adapt to survive
in the modern world? Show us. Show us
hard. Challenge suggested by monkeon.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/urban-animals/
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Follow-ups on previous stories.
* HOW TO TRAVEL THE COUNTRY FOR FREE -
fatboyginge writes, "well you could be a
retired over-60 person with a bus-pass like my
dad! Then you can get from London to Leicester
in about 8 hours and 7 changes!" Hmm, the trick
is look over-60. Bit of talc?
* GO AND SEE SOME RETRO-COMPUTING HISTORY STUFF
- Anne Rogers writes, "Just wanted to give you
an update on our charity auction for TNMOC (The
National Museum of Computing) that you featured
in issue 542. We raised £2,000, which will go a
long way towards the preservation of Britain's
computing heritage. They still need a lot more
support though, and whether it's Chucky Egg or
Cryptography that floats your boat, I think
most b3tans would really enjoy a visit. There
really is something for everyone."
http://www.tnmoc.org
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include...
always tricky to write this bit so, as we often
do, we'll fill it up with our minor irritations.
* TRAINERS THAT DON'T PICK UP DIRT AND LOOK
TATTY IN TWO DAYS - it's like there is some
kind of built-in obsolescence conspiracy.
Capitalism, you tricked us!
* A WAY OF GETTING RID OF CALLUSES - fuck knows
why we've got them, we haven't done a proper
day's work in our life. Wanking probably.
* AN OFF SWITCH FOR CHILDREN - ok that's a line
nicked from a Douglas Adams novel but, Christ,
was he right.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Friends : [email protected]
Enemies : [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by @Stirkovic,
‏@mrjamieeast, PaddedJungle, @drcreek, phnx0,
‏@justinbellinger, ‏@denialvibes, robneymcplum,
sinisterduck
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via robneymcplum.
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TOP TIP:
Stop listening to music as background to your
life. Make it the foreground. This evening, set
aside a good hour to sit and listen to an
album. We mean really listen, not wash up or
read Twitter.
