NEWSLETTER: "KINGS OF LEON? PAH, I BET THEY'VE ONLY EATEN THERE ONCE AND AREN'T EVEN MAYOR"
This Week:
* DOCTOR WHO - is Malcolm Tucker
* BATMAN - Can you draw him with your eyes closed?
* BRASS EYE - The Pilot
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're growing our pubes
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to make our willies look
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| smaller... together"
B3ta email 593 - 9 Aug 2013
Read this issue whilst tugging your forelock
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue593
Huggers : [email protected]
Buggers : [email protected]
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: SPONSORED LINK
Mashed want your stuff!
B3tans - hello! We made a TV show for C4 at the
end of last year called Mashed and a bunch of
you contributed work towards it. We are now
launching a YouTube channel and are looking for
all kinds of creative talent to contribute,
including writers, animators, film makers and
masherupers. If you are interested, please email
us via [email protected] with a link
to a piece of (your own) work and we'll take it
from there. If you want to check out the
channel, you can find it here. Love, Mashed.
http://www.youtube.com/mashed
>> Sponsor B3ta <<
Want this space? Then talk to us.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
>> Malcolm Tucker Is Dr Who! <<
"Thought I'd try to beat the inevitable
bandwagon," writes BobbyBigBalls. "NSFW as it's
Malcolm Tucker."
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1044898
>> Graham Murkett on the porn block. <<
Somegreybloke is unsure whether David Cameron's
porn block goes far enough. The UK must be 100%
child-safe. 100%.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1045105
>> Jaws 19 <<
"We want hoverboards," exclaims Eddache. "But
before we can, we have to make a bunch of Jaws
movies." This is because Back to the Future 2 is
set in 2015 and features an ad for Jaws 19.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jaws_19
>> IT swank or It's wank <<
"Still not entirely sure why I made this,"
confesses creator a username. Crowdcheck your
harsh judgements of IT tat.
http://itswank.com/
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: WATCH THE ASHENS MOVIE NOW!
Stuart Ashen writes -
"A comedy adventure feature film? On YouTube?
For free? Sounds like a good deal to us. Maybe
this is the future of online video - we don't
know, but we do know you can spot our very own
Ginger Fuhrer in it, if you keep your eyes
open..."
http://bit.ly/gamechild
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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK
MTFU
We wanted to know when have you'd stepped up
and been brave. Or failed to:
http://b3ta.com/questions/mtfu/
Here's three stories of killing things to make
your Friday that much funner:
* CHICKEN - "My folks live in that there
countryside and for a while they kept chickens.
When one of them got ill, they separated her from
the rest of the flock so that nothing would
spread - did all the right sorts of things - but
it became apparent that this chook was on a
downward slope. Dad didn't have it in him to
wring the chicken, which resulted in a visit to
the vet. In a farming community. With a chicken.
To have it put down. I'm not sure that he ever
held his head high in the town after that."
(barryheadwound)
* SPIDER - "At the moment I'm staying with my
parents' hotel in the tropics. The other night a
man came up and asked me to please remove a
couple of spiders from his room as they were too
big and he couldn't handle them. He was at least
2m tall and must have weighed around 120kg. I am
a 1m60 female and tip the scales at 48kg after a
big dinner. I gently ushered the tiny 5cm spiders
out of his room with my hands while his
girlfriend stared at him in disgust. I don't
think he got any that night." (snakelady)
* MOUSE - "A while back I caught a mouse in my
kitchen. It was just sitting on the worktop
staring at me when I turned on the light,
probably a bit too surprised to move and hoping
I'd just go away. What could I do with it? Throw
it outside? Then it would just come back in. No,
I needed a humane way to kill it. I could have
just left it in a jar with the lid screwed down
until it suffocated but that seemed a bit cruel.
I know, car exhaust! Right, let's start my car.
Battery flat after sitting there for weeks.
Bugger. Right, let's try my girlfriend's car.
No, I can't find the keys and they're probably
in the bedroom. Let's not wake her up with a
mouse in a jar, eh? Okay, and the van is diesel
which has non-toxic exhaust fumes. So that is
how I came to be standing in the back garden at
3am in my underwear trying to kick-start a
recalcitrant motorbike, to provide some carbon
monoxide to do away with a mouse that had
probably already died of boredom." (gordonjcp)
>> This Week - Exposed <<
Ever been naked in public? Have you ever exposed
yourself, indecently or otherwise? Tell us your
adventures as a prolific sex pest or accidental
flasher:
http://b3ta.com/questions/exposed/
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: USVSTH3M SLOT
It's been quiz week. A whole week of quizzes.
>> Stock Photography Quiz <<
Can you match the pictures to the ridiculous
search terms they were found under in the stock
photography library?
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/stock-quiz/
>> Are You a GIF Prediction Genius? <<
What happened next? But with funny stuff from
the internet.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/areyouagifpredictiongeniu...
>> Guess the City <<
Test your geography skills by identifying a
metropolis from its outline - or just use the
easymode clues.
http://toys.usvsth3m.com/guessthecity/
And if you like this stuff then consider
following @usvsth3m via your twitterotron -
we've now got 5,000 followers and we plan to
dole out the Kool-aid shortly:
https://twitter.com/usvsth3m
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates
>> Can you draw Batman with your eyes closed? <<
We tried - it looks like a cross between a dog
and an ant.
http://www.blindasabatman.com/
>> George Washington fighting a Tyrannosaurus <<
Artist Mark Wagner makes peculiar images out of
one dollar bills.
http://artsy.net/artist/mark-wagner
>> The Inception Button <<
Everything is better when you press the
Inception Button. BWAAAARH.
http://inception.davepedu.com/
>> Vintage WTF <<
Surprisingly, even our great-grandparents had a
great sense of humour.
http://vintagewtf.tumblr.com/
>> Endless, odd internet things <<
Just keep refreshing to waste away whatever tiny
shred of your productivity that remains.
http://iwantmoar.com/
>> Play every Sega Megadrive game in your browser <<
Yay! And Mum isn't going to tell you to put away
your console and tidy your room.
http://www.ssega.com/
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: VIDEO SCHMIDEO
Three videos because you don't have time for video
>> Limmy's first 300 Vines <<
Around 30 minutes of comedian Limmy's six-second
sketches. A remarkably intense experience. And a
interesting insight into what TV could be
constrained by conventions such as narrative or
form.
http://www.youtube.com/watch
>> Brass Eye Pilot <<
Some of this stuff wound up being featured on
the main programmes, but there's previously
unseen material for the connoisseur.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brass_Eye_Pilot
>> Cat dressed as shark riding a Roomba <<
What more is there to say? Other than, we
suppose, other brands of robotic vacuum cleaner
are available.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/1045594
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: TWEET OF THE WEEK
Radio Times idiot
@notdangle writes, "Enjoying this angry Radio
Times letter from someone who switched Audio
Description on and hasn't realised."
https://twitter.com/notdangle/status/3652370885950...
And a Follow Friday, HuffPoSpoilers take the
linkbait tweets and rewrite them with the
missing details.
https://twitter.com/HuffPoSpoilers
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: FUNNY NAME CORNER
Ruud Wanck
Imagining him pulling you off a project:
http://t.co/bBjD1DVmCH
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hitchcock Challenge
Last week we wanted you to celebrate the
twisted brain of film's very own Alfred
Hitchcock
Your favourites included:
* TERROR: Tippi Hedren flustered by
playful, innocent crows (HappyToast)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10990479
* HYSTERIA: blubbering youtube windbag
suffers shower scene savagery (Q4nobody)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10989996
* SOAP: more bathroom terror, this time
featuring long-distance trackman (1.618...)
http://www.b3ta.com/board/10989591
All these images, and the highest as voted by
you can be found here:
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/hitchcock/
>> New challenge: Punctuation <<
This week's daunting task is to add a
comma, apostrophe or whatever to familiar
brands, slogans and names to make them
different and lolworthy and great.
Challenge suggested by HappyToast
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/punctuation/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* CUP OF TEA SIMULATOR - for when getting up
and reaching for the kettle is just too much
effort.
* A BAN ON ALCOHOL - with LSD psychedelic
retreats every 6 months. The world would be a
better place, yes?
* SEX ROBOTS - maintaining relationships is
hard. Much easier if you could just download
something from the Apple Store.
Send contributions via the mail form.
http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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Sub: [email protected]
Snub: [email protected]
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THANKS:
This issue was written by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Poke,
The Tramp Surveyor, JamTallons
Image challenge by Fraser Lewry.
Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke.
Subjlols via
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TOP TIP:
Fool your hand into thinking you're having a
wank. By rubbing it on a dildo.
