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NEWSLETTER: "REMEMBER THE B3TA NEWSLETTER? SO DID ROB... FINALLY."

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This Week:
* QUIZ - Are You Smarter Than Twitter?
* BRITISH ROAD SIGNS - Vandalised for lols
* ENO - Let's play 'Oblique Strategies'

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're saving the webs
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |   to make a museum
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|    for spiders to visit"

B3ta email 678 - 18 May 2018

Read the inferior web version, email forever!
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue678

Block b3ta on Facebook: 
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan

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: ARE YOU SMARTER THAN TWITTER?
  Almost endless internet quiz
  
  Monkeon has made a quiz based on searching for
  instances of people saying "I can't tell the
  difference..." and turning their observations
  into a quiz. It's actually ingenious. 
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/areyousmarterthantwitter/


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: BUY SOME TROUSERS
  Sponsored patreon

  Hebtro make awesome trousers. And they're made
  by some old newsletter contributors in the UK.
  If you want to know what £110 trousers look
  like then click, nobody is forcing you to buy
  them. That's not how it works.
https://hebtro.co/


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: BRITISH STREET SIGNS IMPROVED BY VANDALS
  Bateman Lane = Bat-man Lane

  Accidentally kicked off a great Twitter thread
  of people sharing their local street signs that
  keep getting vandalised with the obvious jokes.
  
  Apse Heath = Arse Heath
  Dogpool Lane = Dogpoo Lane
  Aftherstone Mews = Ratherstoned Mews
  Prentis Road = Penis Road
  Clint Lane = Cunt Lane
  Essex Drive = Sex Drive
  Wellingborough = Well Rough
  Bellenden Road = Bellend Road
  Corn Street = Porn Street
  Shilbottle = Shitbottle
  
  And the classic... Canal Street = Anal Treet.
  
  We'd like to add to this so make sure you send
  some more in.
http://b3ta.com/blog/british-street-name-vandalism/


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: REJECTED GOVERNMENT PETITION BOT
  "A mix of hot gammon and pure lunacy"
  
  Jonty writes, "Two years ago I discovered that
  all the rejected UK government petitions were
  posted publicly, including such recent classics
  as 'Princess Diana should be the hologram that
  meets you at the airport' and 'Criminalise cat
  ownership in Sawtry'. It's a mix of hot gammon
  and pure lunacy. I did the obvious thing and
  made a bot to publicise them all." This is
  flipping genius, a genuine mix of humour and
  saying something about the world we live in.
  The London Review Of Bots gives it FIVE STARS.
https://twitter.com/rejectpetitions


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: COPYWRITER WANTS JOB
  Sponsored patreon

  One of our sponsorships slot has been taken by
  Josh who writes, "A good friend of mine is
  looking for a decent job doing good copywriting
  for someone who's not a cunt. I've not told him
  I'm going to do this but how would you feel
  about plugging him in the newsletter? His name
  is Thom Wong."
https://allknown.info/


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: OBLIQUE STRATEGIES FOR WORK
  Happy 70th birthday to Brian Eno.

  In celebration of Eno reaching three score and
  ten we've opened B3ta's own version of Oblique
  Strategies, but instead of solving problems in
  the music studio, it's solutions that have
  solved problems at work.
  
  Here's some of your card ideas so far:

  * Put fake meetings in your shared Outlook
  calendar

  * Ignore the client until they solve the
  problem by themselves

  * Don't solve any problems. Otherwise people
  will start bringing problems to you

  * Hide in a cardboard box until they stop
  looking for you

  * Strategically book a holiday

  * Blame an ex-employee for the screw up and
  tell the customer that as a result, she's been
  fired

  Please suggestion some work solutions without
  giving away the problem they were solving:
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/obliquestrategies/


-------------------------------------------------

: GET YOUR GRANT FUNDING APPLICATION WRITTEN
  Sponsored patreon

  Need grant funding for a tech project or idea?
  Get Cutting Edge Analysis to write a no win, no
  fee proposal for you. (Oh go on, it's free
  Government money. Possibly.)
https://www.cuttingedgeanalysis.com/


-------------------------------------------------

What do you call a royal wedding sandwich?
Anything that's in bread.

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: GOING OUT B3TA STYLE
  Events for your busy social calendar

  * WATCH CASSETTE BOY LIVE - Mash-up chaps
  Cassetteboy are playing live in Sheffield
  tomorrow night (Saturday 18th May). We asked
  them for some blurb and they said "How do you
  turn a YouTube channel into a live show?  If
  you know, tell Cassetteboy, but in the meantime
  we'll be playing old favourites and previously
  unseen videos, dressing up in stupid outfits
  and generally prancing about.  It's unlike
  anything you've ever seen before, unless you've
  seen us before in which case it will be pretty
  much the same as last time."
https://goo.gl/xrbDCk


  * SMERSH POD LIVE EVENT - Unless you've been
  living under a rock you might have noticed
  podcasts are now a big deal, it's basically a
  way of the internet filling your brain when
  you're not looking at a screen in a cunning
  ruse to make you buy mattresses and meal boxes.
  One of the best pods is Smersh Pod and they're
  doing their first live Smersh next Wednesday,
  including a screening of some terrible old film
  to laugh at. We're going and so should you.
https://goo.gl/2hpx4r


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: NEED PR? BEST CALL ED
  Sponsored patreon

  "I'm Ed Zitron and I'm running the best PR
  company in the world - and I've been reading
  B3ta for 15 years so have sponsored them."
https://www.ezpr.com/


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: THREE VIDEOS FROM B3TANS CORNER
  Thrice as nice as once the nonce

  * ASHENS STAR WARS VIDEO - Stuart Ashens is a
  big star now, with over a million followers on
  YouTube and writer of two hit books and he
  wants you to watch his fake-ad for the
  shittiest Star Wars toys you've ever seen,
  "Please feature this as it took ages to make
  and made me laugh and I wish it got more views
  thank you." We lost it at "fixy barrel."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6sItxhYIjg


 * LLOYDS BANK - SUMMERISLE BRANCH - Smaggers has
 been editing the current big Lloyds Bank ad to
 make it a bit more sinister. See if you agree.
http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lloyds_bank_Summerisle_branch


  * HOW TO DO PHOTOGRAPHY REALLY GOOD WITH TIM
  CHEESE - "Wow B3ta newsletter is back and I
  recently (ish) made a video tutorial for people
  learning how to use DSLR cameras. Simple and
  helpful advice." Wow, we're experts now, thank
  you Mr Cheese.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmKfeTskFW4


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What's old and white and lies on a bus?
A brexitter

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Birds
  
  Doing a one word challenge 'birds' so do your
  worst - some great entries so far, the Twitter
  one from S4RK is particularly great.
http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/birds/popular/  


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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * CONGRATS TO THE COOL-AS-FUCK SHEFFIELD MAYOR
  - he's an ex refugee called Magid Magid and the
  leather jacket with ceremonial chains is just
  style.
https://twitter.com/SheffCouncil/status/996662792013991936


  * 50-YEAR-OLD CRISP PACKET FOUND ON NORFOLK
  BEACH - local news loves doing mundane stories
  to make people go 'lol local news' and scoop up
  the viral traffic, and this one is a doozy.
  Headline of the week.
https://goo.gl/pwFMdW


  * CILLA BLACK WAS GREAT, YES SHE WAS - Ms Cilla
  Black outing a undercover journalist on Blind
  Date is still a gripping bit of TV 20 years
  later. Love the zoom on Nicola's face on the
  reveal. She somehow delivers the death blow but
  never looks like a bully and keeps the audience
  on side. Such skill.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gm7FQ_shyjg


  * YOUTUBE AS STUDY PARTNER - how is this for a
  weird online trend? Korean youtube channels
  dedicated to watching someone study for 6 hrs.
  Viewers have it on while they study. Maybe we
  should try it to help us write this thing
  instead of tweeting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ROKTPF-HVpE


  * HOW TO MAKE IFFY URLS - Changes legitimate
  URLs into legitimate URLs that look dodgy. We
  don't want to quote them as spam filters but
  yeah, amused us.
https://verylegit.link/


  * INTERACTIVE COLOURING-IN POP VIDEO - do you
  ever find yourself absentmindedly clicking the
  screen as you watch videos? Well this is the
  perfect synthesis of that user experience, as
  you can colour in the video characters as they
  play their song.
https://www.stainedglassvideo.com/


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[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
[email protected]: ~ $ touch this
touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied
[email protected]: ~ $ sudo !!
[sudo] password for mc: **********
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
This

-------------------------------------------------

: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
  Follow-ups on previous stories
  
  * WAR ON DAILY MAIL - @dontusemypics writes,
  "Update on Lee's complaint to MailOnline: after
  saying they can only offer £100 for 3 photos
  and ignoring his response, I knocked together
  an invoice in Word for £575 and Lee sent it to
  them with a demand for payment in 2 weeks or
  he'd take it to the small claims court. They
  wrote back the same day saying they'll give him
  £300 to avoid that and he's accepted. So
  definitely worth holding out and threatening
  them with small claims court."
https://twitter.com/dontusemypics


  * JOEL VEITCH CO-WRITES SHORT FILM - we saw the
  premier of the short Joel co-wrote this week
  and it was great. It'll be on the festival
  circuit shortly and is called Making Friends
  and if you squint you can spot Rob Manuel in
  the party scenes.
https://bit.ly/2IOZnbc


  * WEEBL FUNDS ALBUM - Jonti has funded his new
  LP to the tune of the £32,000 goal which
  impressed us. Crowdfunding is apparently how to
  do stuff these days (please fund B3ta patreon
  too!)
https://goo.gl/jpZLE3


  * AND FINALLY - Murray writes, "Thank you for
  the newsletter! It's like the good old days!
  Your Drew Barrymore / Clare Balding / Amber
  Heard / Tom Cruise bit made me think of a
  favourite of mine. My wife is an art teacher,
  so on our bookshelf we have a book by Gillian
  Wearing. *Every* time I sit on the sofa I can't
  help but think 'what is Gillian Wearing?'"

-------------------------------------------------

My Scouse uncle does green grocery deliveries in
Shoreditch 
He doesn't have a van. 
He does avocado.

-------------------------------------------------

: SEND B3TA SWAG
  
  We noticed we'd started to accumulate requests
  from people asking to send us stuff in the post
  and figured well if this is a thing then let's
  encourage it. So please send us your books /
  CDs / whatever creative projects you are
  selling and if we like it we'll bung it on our
  swag page.

  Maybe it'll grow into a lovely list of stuff
  you can use as present ideas? That's the hope
  anyway.

  Currently featuring a brilliant goth colouring
  book, a load of comedy DVDs and MJ Hibbett's
  new compilation album on the exciting medium of
  tape.
http://b3ta.com/blog/b3ta-swag/


-------------------------------------------------

: TELL US ABOUT YOUR STUFF
  
  This newsletter is written by you sending stuff
  in, so send stuff in and if we like it we'll
  feature it.
http://b3ta.com/mailus/


-------------------------------------------------

: CREDITS

  This issue was written by Rob Manuel.

  Stuff sent in by  Jody Smith, MikeHolden42, 
  The_cold_stare,  Monkeon.
&#8207;
  Jokes by Dr.Dunno, cumquat may, Wanksock.

  Giff by garidead.

  Tech by Cr3, Kris & Wil.

  Challenges from Happy Toast, Chris & Monkeon.

  Subjlols via The_cold_stare.

  Proofing by @muninnherself.

-------------------------------------------------

  Have you written a joke? Go and apologise for
  it at "I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke"
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/

-------------------------------------------------

: LOVELY SPONSORS:

  Josh McMillan
  Ed Zitron
  Kevin Prescott
  HebTroCo

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: LOVELY PATREONS

  * TOM JENKINS BATES, * JON GRANT, * SHOWRAT, *
  SIMON JAMES, * TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE, * MR
  PHIL DONNELLY, * KATE, * JAMES PETTS, * STEWART
  NOLAN, * BRYAN PEACOCK, * MARK MCCREADIE, *
  ALEX MORRIS, * JAMES O'BRIEN.


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  Starlord Mixtape, Gneissrocks, Steve Prowse,
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  Willman, Sarah Williamson, Kevin Johnston,
  Richard Chamley, Tom Gleeson, Mark McGowan, Ed
  Cook, Darren Stanley, Catroaster, Iain Fuller,
  Iain Ruxton, Jim Woodward, Alexander Jamieson,
  Tom Crick, Ben Burton, Peter Ashtray, Adam
  Atack, AC, Derek Law, Mark Logue, Jon Weston,
  David Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan,
  Matthew Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe
  McNally, Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran,
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  Frank Hollis, sean casely, BS, Chris Stammers,
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  Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris Branch,
  Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi, Jason Law,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher, Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
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  Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
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  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
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  Jace Otting, BSG, Andrew Harris, Chris Ward,
  Adam Tickner, Peter, Emily Payne, Tim Polglase,
  Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr, Bobod, Michael Bryan,
  Richard Midwinter, Neil Ives, Mark Ryan, Ben
  Chapman, David Bond, Ben, Robert Simpson, Gary
  Sharp, Andy Shirling, Fenris Games, James, Jim
  Lucking, mark madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell
  Webster, Sham Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail,
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  of Sound, Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
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  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks, Stephen McAuley, Phil
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  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason, Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

  Please support the b3ta patreon:
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