NEWSLETTER: TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1995
This Week:
* NOSTALGIA - GeoCities GIF Bot is pure 1995
* CYRIAK - Support his sci-fi novel
* CLOCKS - Tell the time with Flavor Flav
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We'll save the web when
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | we have our website
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| back.... ooops!"
B3ta email 679 - 25 May 2018
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: SITE DOWN ARGH!
It's going to be a mini newsletter this week as
the site is down so it's kinda hard to bring
you any 'best of the site' stuff.
Our host had a power surge and it's knocked
over thousands of servers and they're doing
their best to bring them back one by one.
If that fails then we've got back ups but we'd
lose two weeks of posts so we'd rather just
wait for the host to fix everything - shouldn't
be too long.
Anyway, in the meantime we do have some b3ta
projects to tell you about, and we've peppered
it with some terrible jokes written by people
who replied our Twitter account.
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What sexually transmitted disease do budgerigars get?
Chirpes.
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: GEOCITIES GIF BOT
Tonight we're going to party like it's 1995
Your B3ta editor Rob Manuel has written a bot
that searches old GeoCities pages and pulls out
GIFs and posts them on Twitter, complete with a
working link to the Internet Archive cache of
the page.
Some of the GIFs are shit, some are sort of
amazing, and if you can be arsed to put the
time in and explore the links, it's a treasure
trove of forgotten internet.
https://twitter.com/geocitiesgifbot
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Thanks to the over 1,050 people who voted in our
poll: "Would you rather watch the Royal wedding
or have a wank?"
88% of you voted for a wank. How many of you did
both at once to produce royalty-infused spaff is
unclear.
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: BUY SOME FUCKING TROUSERS
Sponsored patreon
Hebtro make awesome trousers. And they're made
by some old newsletter contributors in the UK.
Their site was also knocked over in the great
crash that's killed us but they're back online
now. THE JAMMY BASTARDS.
https://hebtro.co/
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There was a pub that was renowned for selling
many flavours of crisp. A man went in there and
asked for helicopter crisps. The barman replied:
“I'm sorry sir, we've only got plain.”
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: FLAVOR FLAV CLOCK
Telling the time with rappity-clock photos
Monkeon has produced a Twitter clock by
researching loads of old photos of rap-singer
Flavor Flav and with clocks around his neck.
His write-up on the whole project is well worth
a read.
http://www.monkeon.co.uk/flavorflavclock/
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Do you know what makes me cross?
Lollipop ladies.
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: CYRIAK HAS WRITTEN A BOOK
And he needs you to fund it
Your newsletter editor Rob occasionally works
with the publisher Unbound, and he set up a
meeting between B3ta legend Cyriak and the
publisher with the idea maybe he could do some
kind of art book.
Cyriak said "Er... maybe?" but that he had in
fact written a sci-fi novel, and guess what:
it's actually fucking great. Here's a quick
interview we did with him.
-- Tell us about the book.
It's a science fiction novel in which a horse
relates the story of its life, and describes
the peculiar series of events that ultimately
allowed it to destroy the universe.
-- Tell us a joke.
What's a horse's favourite tv show?
Neigh-bours. Is that even still going? I've no
idea. They also enjoy The Neigh-Team and
Coro-neigh-tion Street. And A-neigh-mal
Horse-pital.
You notice these are all tv shows from 20 years
ago by the way, that's how long it's been since I
watched tv I think. Apart from Inside No. 9, that
was good. Or Inside Number Neigh-n. I'll stop
now.
-- Tell us a bit about writing the book
I started writing it in 2015 for the National
Novel Writing Month, as a personal challenge to
see if I could write a 50,000 word story based
on the most outlandish idea I could think of.
After writing 50k words I realised not only was
the story only half way through, but it was
actually quite good, so I carried on hammering
away at it over the next two years, while
watching the real world become more ridiculous
than anything I could possibly compete with.
-- What's the best thing you can cook?
Nothing I cook involves anything more technical
than heating something up in an oven. Cooking
is one of those things that gets in the way of
internet browsing, so I try to minimise my
involvement in the process if possible.
-- Anything you'd like to say to b3ta readers?
Hello b3ta readers. Are you all enjoying being
old? It's great isn't it? I actually do
gardening now.
Help crowdfund Cyriak's book here:
https://unbound.com/books/horse-destroys-the-unive...
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: COPYWRITER WANTS JOB
Sponsored patreon
One of our sponsorships slots has been taken by
Josh, who writes: "A good friend of mine is
looking for a decent job doing good copywriting
for someone who's not a cunt. I've not told him
I'm going to do this but how would you feel
about plugging him in the newsletter? His name
is Thom Wong."
https://allknown.info/
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What idiot called it YouPorn instead of Grotify?
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: YOUR NEW FAVOURITE BAND
Has made an LP about tennis
"Hi B3ta! Long time reader, first time email
beggar. Me and two friends wrote a short punk
album about Andre Agassi balding, John McEnroe
flipping out and Pete Sampras (not) being a
robot. We're the world's greatest Tennis Punk
Band, Boris Becker."
We gave the first track a listen and thought
this was great. It's utterly mad in a good way.
http://borisbeckerband.bandcamp.com/
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: RULE OF THREE
Best comedy podcast we've ever heard
We've got a bit of a man-crush on the comedy
writers Joel Morris and Jason Hazeley. They're
known for writing for Charlie Brooker,
Philomena Cunk, and all those Ladybird books.
However, the reason we're actually fans isn't
so much their brilliant work as the fact that
we've enjoyed so much having them as Facebook
friends and reading all their thoughtful
threads about comedy and writing.
We're utterly delighted they've turned all this
stuff into a podcast: comedy writers talking to
comedy writers about comedy.
You couldn't think of a podcast idea more up
our street if you tried and they've executed it
brilliantly. It's four episodes in and you're
in for a treat:
Published every Thursday, leading us to shout
with delight "thank fuck it's Threesday!"
https://www.acast.com/ruleofthree
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: REMEMBER USVSTH3M?
Five years ago
UvT was launched 5 years ago this week, and it
briefly shone bright before crashing into the
ground.
Matt Round was one of our game developers and
he's put together a handful of his best
material for you to remember what it was all
about.
We recommend Super Tory Boy.
https://mattround.com/usvsth3m/
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We've learnt that Michael Caine going shopping
for sausages in Harrods. There's a butchers in
there. Michael will buy his sausages and then say
"have a couple of sausages yourself".
Michael Caine tips in sausages.
Maybe he thinks they’re cigars.
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: GET YOUR GRANT FUNDING APPLICATION WRITTEN
Sponsored patreon
Need grant funding for a tech project or idea?
Get Cutting Edge Analysis to write a no-win, no
fee proposal for you. Go on: click this link
and make the guy who paid us money happy.
https://www.cuttingedgeanalysis.com/
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I've got a new job as the triangle player in a reggae band.
I just stand at the back and ting.
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: NEED PR? BEST CALL ED
Sponsored patreon
"I'm Ed Zitron and I'm running the best PR
company in the world - and I've been reading
B3ta for 15 years so have sponsored them."
Thank you Ed. This week let’s link to you his
Twitter account - why the fuck not?
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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: DRUNKEN BAKER BOOK
Viz bloke does book
If you're a fan of VIZ and if you read B3ta
then you probably are you'll know all about
Drunken Bakers.
The guy who writes it has turned into a book.
We went and saw him do a turn on Thursday night
and he was brilliant - it was like watching
Lenny Bruce, sporadically stumbling between
being funny, profound, and then drunken and
crap.
A wonderful time - you should buy the book -
you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll be £14 poorer
but your soul will be richer.
http://wreckingballpress.com/product/drunken-baker...
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: Credits
Newsletter written by Rob Manuel
Jokes by Andrew Higgins, Rebecca McManus, John
Davis & Chuckman.
Proofing by Steven Chicken & David Stevenson.
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: SPONSORS
Josh McMillan, Ed Zitron, Kevin Prescott & HebTroCo.
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: PATREON THANKS - WE LOVE YOU PEOPLE
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Why does Noddy have a bell on his hat?
Because he's a cunt.
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