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NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S LONG, STIFF, AND SLIDING INTO YOUR MAILBOX?"

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This Week:
* FANTASY FOOTBALL - Football officially "ok"
* GOING OUT - Your b3tan social guide
* QOTW GOLD - That "Twix sex" story revived

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ | "We're replacing the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ | with 4 lines of javascript
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| calling everyone a cunt"  

B3ta electro fax 688  - 4th August 2018

Read this issue in your fancy telephone voice: 
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue688

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In the week where The Onion said that "Apple
Becomes First American Company That Should Have
Paid Trillion Dollars In Taxes" here's the B3ta
newsletter: late but hopefully quite readable -
and if you'd like to support our work here,
please consider bunging some money into the
Patreon. Thank you loyal B3tans, maybe we could
become the first Trillion Dollar newsletter. It's
good to have a target.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: B3TA FANTASY FOOTBALL
  Your secret code to join in

  A few years back we hated football but then we
  quite enjoyed the recent World Cup and realised
  we didn't hate football, we just hated second
  division 1980s football in a economically
  depressed Midlands town.

  Anyway, the point is TownsendsPublisher invites
  you to join in the fantasy football stuff with
  a B3ta League "Best of luck in the race for
  second" he says.

  League code 1475540-438206:
https://fantasy.premierleague.com/a/home

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: BEST ADULT TITLES
  Amusing titles from 70s porn
  
  @70sAdultTitles is reading old print grot and
  cropping out the titles. Here's just a few we
  liked:
  
  * Too Many Cocks Spoilt The Brothel 
  * Fussy Bummers
  * Boobs in a Hovercraft
  * Barkin Up The Wrong Twat
  * 2 fucks + 1 fuck = 1 massive fuck
 
  More at the Twitter website dot com:
https://twitter.com/70sAdultTitles/

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  B3tan Scaryduck has a book coming out called
  "Angry People in Local Newspapers" based on his
  popular Facebook group and would like you to be
  aware it's coming up. We would link you to the
  Amazon page but there's no pre-order button so
  here's the Facebook page instead:
https://facebook.com/angrypeopleinlocalnewspapers

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ABBA's "Gimme A Man After Midnight" is no longer
a problem given dating apps. Although the quality
of men that turn up might be bit of a cursed
wish, Agnetha.

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: BREXIT PODCAST ON VIDEO
  3 Blokes In The Pub... Talk NO DEAL Brexit

  Thatgingerscouser writes, "Brexit Britain is
  fed up with experts. These days we only listen
  to the bloke down the pub. So in this
  controlled experiment, we put three experts in
  a pub and recorded the results for your viewing
  pleasure."
https://youtu.be/Sx4AF-3Rd44

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: NEW UNDEAD TEDS AVAILABLE
  Spend your readies on monstrous teddies

  Long term readers will remember
  PhiIIipBlackman's mangled Theodores. Well,
  there's new ones out. BUY THEM!
http://www.undeadteds.com/

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: TROUSER TROUBLE? CALL HEBTRO
  Sponsored Patreon

  We reckon 99% of readers probably have legs.
  And most people who have legs probably want to
  cover them in some trousers. Speak to Hebtro.
  They'll sort you the shit out.
https://hebtro.co/

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: BEST DELETED WIKIPEDIA TITLES

  Wikipedian editors have high standards for what
  is suitable for their encyclopedia and here's
  some recent deletions:

  * Category: Wikipedia articles needing moustaches
  * Three penis wolf
  * Make your own wikipedia
  * Video Games in the 1800s
  * Assflakes
  * Paper- the fat free chocolate
  * Category: Wikipedians who insist on having the word lobster in every article
  * How the prequels should have went

  More at @DeletedWiki:
https://twitter.com/DeletedWiki

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Applying the Marks & Spencers / Marks & Sparks
naming convention to other duos.

  * Ant & Dant
  * Robson & Jobson
  * Shaggy & Saggy
  * Batman & Ratman
  * Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Heckle 
  * Posh & Bosh
  * Guns n' Runs

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Michael Jackson claimed "ABC, it's as easy as
123" but he was wrong. Numbers naturally ascend,
whereas the alphabet ordering is utterly
arbitrary and driven only by convention.

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: QUOTE OF THE WEEK
  Chairman of British Onions speaks out

  In the endless shit about Brexit there's been a
  recent scare that an onion shortage could fuck
  up the essential British Cheese & Onion crisp
  supply.

  "When I took the job representing British
  growers as chairman of British Onions, I
  imagined it would be the quietest of jobs. And
  all of a sudden it's the worst year in our
  history."   (Tim Elcombe)

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: YOUR SOCIAL DIARY
  Coz going out is the new staying in

  * LOVE BOTS AT EDINBURGH FRINGE - we appreciate
  that most people who read B3ta are internet
  shut-ins who never leave the house, but if you
  are attending #Edfringe2018 then go and see
  Bilal Zafar coz your newsletter editor Rob
  helped him with bot stuff.
https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/bilal-zafar-lovebots

  * SMERSHPOD LIVE - B3ta chum John Rain writes,
  "I'm doing a live screening of Norbert Smith: A
  Life at the Everyman Cinema Maida Vale,
  followed by a Q&A with HARRY ENFIELD. Get
  tickets here before they sell out!" We'll be
  going to this coz we got free tickets. Thanks
  John.
https://www.everymancinema.com/film-info/norbert-smith-a-life-qa-with-harry-enfield 

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"Never work for free" says writer who puts more
effort into their tweets than anything they do
for work.

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: ED ZITRON = PUBLIC RELATIONS
  Sponsored Patreon

  Do you need some PR in your life? Best call ED.
https://twitter.com/edzitron

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: QUESTION OF THE WEEK /GOLD/ - SEXY FOOD
  Twix Of Doom

  We've dug into the archives to bring you this
  classic of sexual experimentation gone wrong:

  My first girlfriend and I were together for
  about two and a half years. A few weeks before
  we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel
  in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my
  auntie's boss. We had a nice time there,
  wandering around the priory, eating toasted
  teacakes and crumpets in a small tea shop, but
  a more deviant event was on the horizon.

  "Would you eat something out of me?" she asked
  one evening.

  I confess I was rather bewildered and wondered
  what she could mean: A banana? Some chocolate?
  A pie? I suggested these things and she decided
  that a Twix would be a good idea.

  The next morning we walked to the local Spar
  shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed
  her to choose her Twix. As the chocolate was
  slightly soft I suggested that we should maybe
  put it into the freezer for a while so that it
  wouldn't melt in a flash (amongst other things)
  and she agreed.

  "I'm ready," she said late that evening. She
  went upstairs before me while I retrieved the
  Twix from the freezer, following in her
  footsteps moments later. When I reached the
  bedroom she had already undressed and was lying
  on the bed, her legs apart. For a moment I
  wondered how I was going to do this: do I
  actually remove it from the wrapper or do I
  shove the whole lot in? Do I put one finger in
  or both of them? I didn't want to ask as I felt
  this would just make her nervous and would
  hardly instil confidence in the poor girl as
  she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be
  penetrated by a chocolate bar. I decided to
  insert a single finger and opened the wrapper,
  suddenly noticing that the chocolate was
  covered in a slightly grey sheen of
  condensation having been in the freezer all
  day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my
  thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I
  tested it.

  "This is going to be cold," I warned before
  introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid
  inside and I left about an inch of it sticking
  out. For a moment I looked at the rather
  ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me,
  before bending down and biting off about half
  of the exposed finger of Twix.

  Without warning the whole thing vanished inside
  her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,
  wondering what I should do. I didn't think it
  would be The Done Thing to prise apart her
  labia like a mechanic lifting a bonnet before
  rummaging around inside, so I just lay there,
  staring, wanting to cry for a moment.

  And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze
  from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin
  the sheets  which, after all, were not ours 
  I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught
  the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my
  hand quickly filled and I was then forced to
  consider what I was going to do with a hand
  full of rather hot melted Twix as I could
  hardly say "just crimp yourself off, love  I
  need to go and wash my hand", so screwing my
  eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my
  other one was slowly filling.

  Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any
  worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely,
  eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and
  caramel, like an albino penis. I pulled it out
  and, hands full of chocolate, quickly ate it
  while I awaited for her sugary genital deluge
  to stop.

  I don't think I've eaten a Twix since.
  (nasalhair)
https://b3ta.com/questions/foodsex/post497151


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: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  The work of Britain's finest journalists

  * "Shark disguised as baby stolen from aquarium
  in pushchair" (Sky News)

  * "Jamie Oliver blocks fan on Twitter for
  suggesting he will cook his children"
  (Entertainment.ie)

  * "Dad puts out Southend pier fire - by peeing
  on it" (Essex Echo)

  * 'Titanic historian warns the ship 'has never
  been in more danger than she is now'" (Belfast
  Live, we would beg to differ)

  If you've spotted a good one, tell us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Film Combos

  Last week we asked you combine two films and
  it's gone quite well actually. We like
  challenges that have clear instructions, which
  if you follow, you might produce something
  amusing. Like funny maths.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/filmcombo2/popular/

  We're also doing a challenge called "Holidays"
  as Happytoast is on holiday.
https://www.b3ta.com/challenge/holiday/popular/

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1958 was a golden year for popstar babies:

  * Michael Jackson
  * Prince
  * Madonna
  * Simon Le Bon
  * David Sylvian
  * Belinda Carlisle
  * Paul Weller
  * Joan Jett
  * Mark King
  * Grandmaster Flash
  * Kate Bush

All 60 (or would be) this year. 

And Ian Broudie - 60 today. He's had a nice
little boost to his pension pot this year.

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * HAS TOM CRUISE EVER SEEN A MOVIE? As
  @shockproofbeats writes, 'Holy shit I am now
  ***100%*** a "Tom Cruise Has Never Seen A
  Movie" truther.'
https://twitter.com/ryguyperez/status/1023978515060809728

  * THE MOST MESMERIC VIDEO YOU'LL WATCH THIS
  WEEK - or your money back.
https://twitter.com/RaminNasibov/status/1023607259727888384

  * RUBBISH FONT - yes, a font made out of
  letters stuck to bins.
http://www.fontspace.com/frazer-price/rubbish

  * SHIT MP GETS MOCKED FOR SHIT PHOTO - check
  the replies.
https://twitter.com/ABridgen/status/1024205093921607681

  * BEST AMIGA MUSIC - Is it controversial to
  find old Amiga music more listenable than old
  C64 music? Sid chip stuff gets much more
  attention but the Amiga stuff has its own DIY
  sampler aesthetic. 3 hours of it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PvSfqBJi0ss

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: CONTENT THANKS

  Links via unclepills, benito vaselini and
  Jim-skinner. Subjlols via mauvedeity. And site
  thanks to HappyToast, Wil, Kris, ScaryDuck &
  Monkeon. 

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: PATREON THANKS

  They bought ads: EdZitron & HebTroCo.

  *THEY BOUGHT CAPS AND ASTERISKS!* *STOOBERT*,
  *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *AARON HOLMES*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
  *TREVOR BURTON-MCCREADIE*, *MR PHIL DONNELLY*,
  *KATE*, *JAMES PETTS*, *STEWART NOLAN*, *MARK
  MCCREADIE*, *ALEX MORRIS*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*

  THEY BOUGHT CAPS: GEORGE STEPHENSON, NAT KING
  COLESLAW, ANDREW WREN, JAMES CRONIN, ALISTAIR ,
  IAN SHEEN, NEIL HEPBURN, MARK ADAMSON, ANDREW
  FLEMMING, ALAN CHARLTON, SPAZZCAPTAIN , WENDY
  GOODE, JAIMIE VANDENBERGH, CHRIS BLAKENEY,
  BEVAN JOHNSON, CRISS MORENO, JO APPS, CHRIS
  LOCKE, ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, GREG MCGOWAN,
  RICHARD BARCLAY, PATRICK CATES, 24-7 DEATH, TOM
  WRIGHT, JON BINSTEAD, SIMON NICHOLLS, CHRIS
  CARLINE, BRIAN EELES, MICHAEL TRINDER

  They bought a mention: Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan,
  lee burnett, Peter Cooper, Rebecca McManus, Bex
  Cook, Hannah Chubb, Martin Davies, George
  Preston, Chris Saunders, Mike Middleton,
  Richard Matthias, AuntieSash Hazlewood, Brad
  Gregory, Graham Licence, Paul Rose (Mr Biffo),
  Ed Can Do, C Bond, Fergus McKay, Steve herman,
  Alex Walsh Atkins, Mick Curtis, Craig Turner,
  Joshua Thomasson, Dog Byte, Fearghas ,
  unklefiction , Chris Gough, fourstar , Jonty
  Wareing, Basel Kirmani, Montocat , Rob Affleck,
  Rhys Wynne, Matt Machell, Marina de Joslin,
  Jasper Koning, Ryan Rhodes, Chris Whitworth,
  James Macinnes, Geoff Tidey, John Higgs, Daniel
  Chote, Geoffrey Balme, Byron Geoffrey Farrow,
  Mark Wilson, Paul Cherry, Nick Ross, Ian
  Beveridge, Alex Mastin, Raul Arreola, Faith H.
  Martin, Tim Williams, David King, Jaymie
  Thomas, Sam Russell, David Knoll, Ben Watson,
  Simon Holmes, Steve P, Gaynor Clarkson, Saleem
  Ahmad, nicholas martin, Jim MacArthur, John
  Hammersley, Andy Yates`, Andy Webber, Jack
  Barton, David Gardiner, Adam Molloy, Simon
  McDougall, Craig Tonks, Anna , Peter Gosling,
  Jason Stewart, Dave Nattriss, Philip
  Kinchington, Ian Boltz, Matt Drewry, Derek
  ROBERTS, Robbie Lesiuk, Bertram Wooster, Adam
  Inglis, James Clayton, David Harrison, Jim
  Frayling,  Mike Middleton, Scott S. Kramer, Joe
  Simmonds, Julie Brumlik, Rob Mahon, Paul
  Leader, Ivan Kelly, J&#464;m McN&#464;ven, Paul Healey,
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  Martin Beer, midnightrambler , matsimpsk , Jim
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  Peter Willman, Sarah Williamson, Kevin
  Johnston, Richard Chamley, Tom Gleeson, Mark
  McGowan, Ed Cook, Darren Stanley, Catroaster ,
  Iain Fuller, Iain Ruxton, Jim Woodward,
  Alexander Jamieson, Tom Crick, Ben Burton,
  Peter Ashtray, Adam Atack, AC , Derek Law,
  David Catley, John Foster, Matt Buchanan,
  Matthew Collinge, Joey moore, Mark Hill, Joe
  McNally, Tom Ryan, Peter McMinn, Ryan Doran,
  Konrad Petrusewicz, Wil Hadden, James Donnelly,
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  mackenzie, Gus Nicol, Martin Holloway, Mike
  Davis, Steve Thornton, Tim Mouncer, peter
  wouda, Fraser Lewry, Matthew Morris, Rob
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  Simon Smith, @mattdawhit , Brian Lancaster,
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  Fiona James, Robert Hills, Anne-Marie Scott,
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  Carteret, Stephen Waller, Luke Mepham, Stuart
  Alldred, Adam Lloyd, Andrew Scheuber, Chris
  Branch, Jonathan Wooddin, OBiW4N SHiNOBi,
  Dominic Haigh, TownsendsPublisher , Steve
  Anglesey, Iain Brassington, Heidi Colthup, Ross
  Carter, Chris Evans, Edward Almond, James
  Golbey, Johnnie Shannon, Alex Lovett, Peter
  Coombe, David Ault, Kate Devlin, James
  Shakespeare, Tim Weaver, Lisa Westhaven, James
  O'Malley, Emma Lay, RossOverThere , Tim Jokl,
  Catherine McAllister, Steve Laker, Damien
  Smith, Jim Dabell, John Faragher, Eric von
  Borstel, Malcolm Franks, Richard Beckett, No
  Reward Description: (None for No Reward), Nick
  Morgan, Rog Sharples, Ben Brice, Iain Moffatt,
  Justin Brett, Louise Allen, David Green, Riven
  A Buckley, Robin , Luche , Ian Appleby, Pete ,
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  Johnson, John Field, Emma Sykes, Carl Mesner
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  Johnson, Paul Topping, Connor Parslow, Daniel
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  peter royal, Harry Wearne, Duncan STrickland,
  Andy Candler, Deny Coughlan, Russ Anderson,
  Nick Kent, Jonathan , Phil H, Andrew Anderson,
  Ian Silvester, Ben Webb, Graham Freeman, Dave
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  Philadelphia, John Griffiths, Nick Murdoch, Rob
  Potter, James Meers, 5telios , Paul Mancini, Al
  Napp, Tanya Kant, Jon Ramster, David Whittam,
  Jace Otting, BSG , Andrew Harris, Chris Ward,
  Adam Tickner, Peter , Emily Payne, Tim
  Polglase, Ted Bowyer, Matt Carr, Bobod ,
  Michael Bryan, Richard Midwinter, Neil Ives,
  Mark Ryan, Ben Chapman, David Bond, Ben ,
  Robert Simpson, Gary Sharp, Andy Shirling,
  Fenris Games, James , Jim Lucking, mark
  madgwick, Ben Sugden, Russell Webster, Sham
  Courtney, Louis E, Andrea Vail, Rohan , Sam
  Brown, Marc Lindberg, Hugh Noble, Nigel Ford,
  Gwyn Fisher, Matt Loren, Centuries of Sound,
  Amy Oliver, Christina Freeman, Paul
  Braithwaite, Tom Clark, Gregg Kuljian, Richard
  Abraham, Paul Slade, Alex Wrottesley, Ivan
  Shiel, Claire Allen, Iain M Barker, Dan Fairs,
  Tony East, Cat Conner, Jennifer Moquin, Claire
  Zolkwer, Seirian Hanner, Thea Mallett, Nick ,
  ben cowell-thomas, Robert Purkis, Oli , Andy
  Nattan, Alex Wren, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Ilya
  &#268;olak-Anti&#263;, Adam Kaczmarek, Mike Carter, Daz
  Wright, Stewart C. Russell, John M, P
  Underwood, Thepfy , Hadleigh Charles, Mark
  McIntosh, Stephen Williams, Peter Wood, Darren
  John Harris, Mike Booth, Simon Lumb, Tim
  Knight, FuzzyFreaks , Stephen McAuley, Phil
  Barns, wigglywigglyworm , Lyra Jay, Lee Ball,
  Richard keeling, David Ellinor, Rachel Tougas,
  Ben Groom, Mr Flibble, David Parry, Emma Nicol,
  Paul Bayfield, Swedemason , Jon Bounds,
  Stéphane.

  Thanks everyone for supporting us, and if you
  don't, please consider it.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta

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: REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY SOCIAL MEDIA PROMO
  Block / unfriend B3ta NOW!
  
  Social media is the worst thing that's happened
  to mankind since heroin was given away free
  with Cornflakes. Delete your accounts and
  report us for hate crime.
https://www.facebook.com/b3tan
https://www.twitter.com/b3ta

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Comedians! Create the experience of Edinburgh
Fringe by reading out a joke from lollipop stick
at three people in a bus queue and flushing £5000
down the loo.

-------------------------------------------------

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