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This Week:
* BOB ROSS - Just his cleaning brushes bit
* IMAGE CHALLENGE - Monster film results
* STUFF - We promise more nonsense

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________  ____ __  ___
____/  _)|_  // /_/ _ |  "We're saving the web
___/  _ |/_ </ __/ __ |  to get high on spider
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|   spliffs... together"

B3ta e-telegram 699 - 19 Oct 2018

Read this issue whilst touching cloth:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue699

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: 45 MINS OF BOB ROSS 
  Just cleaning his paint drush

  Rhodri Marsden writes, "Bob Ross has
  unwittingly become the spiritual godfather of
  the so-called ASMR movement, where stressed
  people soothe their frazzled brains by watching
  slow, quiet videos of sod all. The bit in his
  Joy Of Painting shows where he cleans his
  paintbrush and beats it on the easel is quite
  compelling, so I edited those moments together
  across 403 episodes, and now it's 45 minutes of
  a man beating a 2-inch paintbrush which isn't
  very soothing at all."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M1iJ5dv_ak

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We could end global warming now if you could
return Gü ramekins to the supermarket and they'd
heap more pudding into them.

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: LIGHTSABER ART
  Using persistence of vision stuff

  Rich from Electromaker.io writes, "We made a
  prescience of vision Lightsaber. It allows you
  to upload photos which are then painted in the
  air. Skip to 0.23 to see it in action. Skip to
  9.36 for the obligatory cat picture ;)"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_qktNDjznQ

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When filing albums alphabetically, always file
The The from the second "The"

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: ART GALLERY
  If Banksy was a B3tan

  Drivelsieve writes, "This video is 7 seconds
  long, and 1 week late."
https://b3ta.com/links/Art_gallery

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Paper shredder, paper shredder,
Nothing makes hamsters deader.

(Popped into our head earlier this week, actually
an unrecorded song idea with b3ta/rathergood from
back in the day.)

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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
  Monster Films

  Last week we asked you to make new monster
  movies by adding monsters to movies without
  them.

  Our absolute favs included: 
  
  * The IT Crowd from JimmerUK
https://b3ta.com/board/11268848  

  * The Abominable Snowman from (a)lexistwit
https://b3ta.com/board/11268810
  
  * The Wolfman Of Wolfstreet from Tribs
https://b3ta.com/board/11268480

  * See all the other images from the 'Monster
  Films' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/monsterfilms/popular/

  >> This week: Buttons <<
  This week we've decided to do a one word
  challenge instead of the word play stuff we've
  done a lot of recently, and Monkeon suggested
  'buttons'. Be them chocolate, on websites or on
  clothes - you decide using the power of your
  cracked version of Photoshop or Pixelmator or
  whatever the hell you use these days.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/buttons

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If you're systematically rude to Piers Morgan on
Twitter he eventually blocks you and you can no
longer read his annoying tweets. Please take and
share this important advice.

-------------------------------------------------

: EGGPOD DOES "GIVE MY REGARDS TO BROADSTREET"
  With Iain Lee off the radio
  
  B3ta chum CCC's Beatles Podcast is going great
  guns and he's just done McCartney's crappiest
  LP with Iain Lee.
https://iamtheeggpod.com/2018/10/14/episode-nine-iain-lee/

  If you're interested, your editor helped out a
  bit with this one and prepared background notes
  - i.e. listened to the LP twice and wrote down
  what he thought. Come backstage and have a nose
  if you like:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BBD8VvX_F1A2cqIM5JEeLZeppEGPzEj4bThnumaCpqs/edit#heading=h.pfodjy9sni

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This is the week where the Sun ran the headline
"Meggers Preggers". Bit disrespectful. We prefer
the more formal "Megnant Pregnant"

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: RANDOM SMASHHITS BOT STRIKES GOLD
  What Pop stars voted in 1987
  
  When we launched Random Smash Hits the idea was
  that randomly sampling the backpages of
  Britain's best pop magazine might find
  something good and it finally has - seriously
  one of the most interesting bits of journalism
  ever published in a pop magazine. Robert Smith
  of the Cure? SDP. George Michael? Fed up of the
  lot and interested how the world will cope with
  automation. Amazing stuff. Even Bowie is here.
https://twitter.com/randomsmashhits/status/1051958458038267905

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: SITES IN BRIEF
  Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates

  * THE TRUTH BEHIND AIRPLANE! Famously an old
  script with added jokes. But we hadn't realised
  that that the old script was filmed. It's kinda
  fascinating to watch the trailer as it's quite
  literally Airplane without the gags. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kN5orElkXdY

  Oh and if you want every gag in Airplane ranked:
https://bullshit.ist/every-joke-from-airplane-ranked-bada7d0e7c0f

  * BOB MORTIMER'S EGG STORY - Vic Reeves' old
  comedy partner is so plausible - probably 
  because he trained as a solicitor he can spin
  any old shit and make it compelling.
https://b3ta.com/links/Bob_Mortimers_back_on_Would_I_Lie_To_You

  * DAVID SEDARIS SIGNS THINGS STUPIDLY -  Rico
  Monkeon writes, 'and my Image Search of The
  Week is "signed book david sedaris", after I
  heard him on Adam Buxton's podcast taking
  pleasure in writing inappropriate things at
  signing sessions.' This would make a great
  article that we're too lazy to compile. 
https://www.google.com/search?q=signed+book+david+sedaris&source=lnms&tbm=isch 

  * DAY IN THE LIFE OF BANKING EXEC - this will
  make you agitate towards a communist revolution.
http://uk.businessinsider.com/a-day-in-the-life-of-hsbc-executive-melania-edwards-2018-10/

  * GEOMETRIC FOOD - Matt Round writes, "not very
  b3taish but I rather liked all these geometric
  pies."  Very much the Instagramification of
  everything.
https://www.lokokitchen.com/

  * INSIDE THE BAY AREA'S CRAZIEST SECRET
  UNDERGROUND PARTIES - "This is worth a read"
  writes KLF author John Higgs.
https://medium.com/s/story/inside-the-bay-areas-craziest-secret-underground-parties-d1529c0fad03


-------------------------------------------------

: HEADLINES OF THE WEEK
  All human life is in your local press.

  * "Croydon Tesco worker reportedly suing for
  £20,000 after colleague 'farted in his face'"
  (Croydon Guardian)

  * "Irish presidential candidate insists he can
  defeat a horse-sized duck using judo" (INews)

  * "Anger then confusion after stray cat's head
  mysteriously explodes" (NZ Herald)

  * "California student 'baked dead grandmother's
  ashes into cookies'" (BBC)

  * 'Clown pleas for help after losing size 16
  shoe on bike ride - "I had to turn up at a
  kids' party with one shoe on. I looked a right
  idiot"' (Brighton Argus)

  * "Burnley man flouted driving ban to get his
  dad a Pot Noodle" (Burnley Express)

  Compiled by Scaryduck
http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07GL8ZDLK/b3ta-21

-------------------------------------------------

: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
  Make a shit and post in our letterbox
 
  * BEATLES TAPE PROJECT - loads of Beatles LPs
  had diff tape order. Would make a nice / easy
  Spotify playlist project for someone. And
  writing about how it changes the listening
  experience:
https://web.archive.org/web/20080224080103/http://homepage.ntlworld.com/carousel/BtleCas3.html 

  * TORY BLOCKER - Can someone make a block app
  that blocks every Tory MP and every Tory
  journalist? It would do much good but it would
  annoy them and that would be fun.

  * A LIBRARY OF OBVIOUSLY UNPORNY CONTENT -
  content for porn sites to stay under the 1/3
  porn threshold in UK. Finally a use for all
  that bus CCTV video that TFL collects.

  Send your bags of HTML spunk to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/

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: THANKS
  Matt Round, John Higgs, Monkeon, Toby Slater,
  Ambegris.

-------------------------------------------------

: DO YOU NEED PR STUFF?
  Patreon ad thingie

  Do you want some PR? Maybe you want relations
  with the public? Then there's one man you
  should call and his name is ED.
https://www.ezpr.com/

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: PATREON THANKS
  You lovely people 

  *STOOBERT*, *JOSH MCMILLAN*, *TOM JENKINS
  BATES*, *JON GRANT*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
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  TOP TIP:
  The one way to stop hiccups is to hold your
  breath for 500 seconds exactly.
http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/  

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