NEWSLETTER: "DON'T FORGET TO WIND YOUR COCKS FORWARD TONIGHT!"
This Week:
* JACOB REES-MOGG IS A CUNT - we have proof
* QUIZ - Can YOU find the vegetable?
* ALT-RIGHT - Gently mocked by Larry Grayson
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Ok Poogle, play
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | some shits!"
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_|
B3ta CB radio essay 713 - 30 Mar 2019
Read this issue slowly to make it last longer:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue713
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: JACOB REES-MOGG IS A CUNT
And we have the proof
You might read the B3ta newsletter to escape
from such cuntery as Rees-Mogg but this is
good, we promise you. B3tan Merkinhead has
worked out that if you fold Jacob's family
motto it both looks like a cock AND says the
word "cunt". Genius.
https://www.b3ta.com/board/11282287
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Knock knock
Who's there?
Yes that's correct, it's Roger Daltrey and Pete
Townshend so we'd suggest not mentioning Brexit
or sharing your WiFi password.
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: CRAP ALT-RIGHT TROLLING BOT
Prison Paul is a twit
Your editor writes, "I once wrote a bot that
found people replying to Prison Paul and then
replied to them with a UK TV catchphrase and
saw how long it it could keep it going. It was
quite effective." Oh you are awful, but we like
you.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1109969930580...
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If anyone wants to start a Chiptune Britpop band
we've got a name for you:
Manic Street Miners.
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: QUIZ 'FIND THE VEGETABLE'
Coz Tomatoes are actually a nut
Wildyles writes "I made a site where you have
to find the vegetable by clicking on the
vegetable. Are you able?"
https://wildishandco.co.uk/projects/vegetables/
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U2 are called U2 coz no one knows the names of
the other two members: "Fuck off you two, you're
not Bono or The Edge"
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content made by people who aren't our friends
* SWEARY BERCOW - how would you even begin to
explain Bercow to the uninitiated? In UK
parliament we have "the speaker" whose job is
bit like a headmaster, keeping the MPs in order
during debates, and he's become famous for
shouting "ORDEUUUUUH!" And now he's a parody
Twitter account. Of course.
https://twitter.com/BercowSweary
* CAN YOU DRAW IN A PERFECT CIRCLE? Missing a
trick by not framing it around the myth that
only insane people can do this. We couldn't get
above about 97% on our phone, therefore we're
not mad.
http://users.ox.ac.uk/~wadh5221/bestcircle/
* POLICE SQUAD JOKES - being short and snappy,
they work well on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/policeincolor
* BORING VIDEOS ARE COMPELLING - pleasingly
mundane videos which have been uploaded to
YouTube without a title. No needy
like-and-subscribe Youtubers here.
http://defaultfile.name/
* SKULL SEARCH - Neat search engine that allows
you to search by angle of skull rotation. Which
is truly the best way to search.
https://x6ud.github.io/
* IT'S NEARLY AS GOOD AS CHESS IN 1k - Stunning
1K javascript demo, even has a special ending
https://js1k.com/2019-x/demo/4209
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No one can remember the plot of any Netflix
series they've watched. Don't email in, you can't
remember, it's a false memory.
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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
Mediamasters Podcast
Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/
And if YOU also want to be a big sponsor then
fill "company sponsorship" in on the old
Patreon:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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If you want some sage advice: serve it with pork.
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Free ideas for your brain stem
* PARK BENCH QUIZ - you know when you see a
park bench and it's dedicated to someone who
died in their 20s, do you try and guess if it's
suicide, drugs or cancer and then google them?
Or is this just us? Well, there's an
interactive quiz right there.
* KLF INVESTMENT TRACKER - if they'd invested
£1m in 1994 instead of burning it what would it
be in Apple shares? Write a bot that tells them
exactly how many billions they lost out on. Or
make them feel better by pricing it in Enron
shares.
* MAKE ALL GOV PETITIONS INTO REFERENDUMS -
Every petition should have a button to vote
against the petition. Make them all referendums
for maximum chaos and division. It would be
very viral. YOU HAVE TO VOTE. THE OTHER SIDE IS
WINNING.
* DANNY DYER BOT - "Can't believe it's been
[exact time since 9/11] since them slags
smashed into the twin towers it still freaks my
nut out to this day."
* A SCOTT WALKER GAMING TRIBUTE - Er.. Scott's
Walker, press Z & X and "walk" him into Heaven.
* SIDEIFY - Spotify but rejigged so it plays
sides of albums. There's very few acts that
don't get annoying quite quickly but 4 or 5
tracks in 18 or 20 minutes chunks and then a
silence with the implicit question "maybe
something else now?" is the perfect way to
enjoy music.
* ADRIAN MOLE BOT - all his measuring his dick
in real time via a bot. Reckon it would work
well, even if it did piss off the estate of Sue
Townsend.
Send your shite to:
https://b3ta.com/mailus
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TV Show Pitch: "Three contestants to choose from,
one has gonorrhea, it's THE CLAP TRAP!"
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Photoshop the films of Ridley Scott
Ridley Scott rhymes with diddly-squat. Stanley
Kubrick rhymes with dangly poo-bits. Neither of
these things are relevant so on with the
photoshops:
* ALIENS - brilliant Xenomorph entry, would
love a whole short movie of this. Thank you
(a)lexistwit.
http://b3ta.com/board/11281602
* BLADE RUNNER - Monkeon mashing up old
computer mags and Blade Runner to amusing
effect. BTW: Just misspelt Blade Runner as
Bladder Runner and there's something in that.
70 y/o Deckard stumbling around future-city and
not finding anywhere for a piss.
http://b3ta.com/board/11282189
* MORE BLADE RUNNER - nice Facebook gag from
S4RK.
https://b3ta.com/board/11282232
* See all the other images from the 'Ridley
Scott' challenge.
https://b3ta.com/challenge/RidleyScott/popular/
>> This week: SuperheroSoapOperas <<
We're combining two of the nations favourite
things, superheroes and soap operas. Show us
the Avengers of Albert Square and Batman in
Brookside. It's Soaperheroes week!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/superherosoapoperas
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"The Rob Manual (A Guide To Burglary) by Rob
Manuel" If any publishers out there want to write
that for us your B3ta editor will stick his name
on it for cash.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
We love you
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Newsletter written by Rob Manuel with some help
from Monkeon, Matt Round Wil & Kris. Alt
newsletter title: "B3ta Newsletter Editor loses
no-confidence vote from readers for the 18th year
running.")
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: AND SPECIAL THANKS TO ED
For being our patreon
Follow him on the Twitter. Go on.
https://twitter.com/edzitron
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Britain is going great: we haven't got a fucking
clue what to do. Seriously, does anyone? We've
crawled out of the sea, got clever, fucked the
planet and there's no solution. Britain is just
ahead of the curve in losing our minds early.
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: TOP TIP
When you buy beef mince, flatten it as much as
you can in cling wrap before you freeze it.
then when you want a piece for a burger or
whatnot, you can snap it off easy, and it
defrosts really quickly. (hixy)
http://b3ta.com/questions/toptips
