NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY WANK HOLIDAY WEEKEND, REMEMBER: NO TUGS 'TIL TUES"
This Week:
* AIRPODS - why you should feel bad about them
* WIN A HORSE - with Cyriak dot book dot net
* FREE EGGS - If you keep chickens
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the webs,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to make a cosy barracks
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| for our spider army"
B3ta e-fax-mail 724 - 24 August(us Gloop) 2019
Read this issue to your mum (+ bore her shitless)
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue724
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS WEEK
Other than holding in their wanks for mummy
>> The Death of Airpods <<
Rowlification writes, "An animation about
Apple's airpods and their chances of being
repaired or recycled. Not judging you if you
own a pair. Please watch / like / share if you
like it." We enjoyed this although obviously
you can argue the toss about what disposable
crap is the worst, hooking it all to a
currently fashionable technology is one way to
make a message cut though.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_Death_of_Airpods
>> 2019 :: The Last Summer <<
Shardcore is still pissing around with
deep-fakes and he's make Boris morph into
Trump, and ambitiously built a sort-of plot
around this.
http://www.shardcore.org/shardpress2019/2019/08/22...
>> How to flick Vs with coke bottle & glove <<
Apparently there's a clip on TikTok where
people are using a coke bottle and a rubber
glove to give people "the finger". Your
editor's son had a go and frankly improved it
by it not working properly and producing a good
old British V instead. Result.
https://twitter.com/robmanuel/status/1162678268627...
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The last thing you posted on social media is the
thing people will mournfully like after your
tragic, unexpected death.
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: WIN A SIGNED COPY OF CYRIAK'S HORSE BOOK
Yes, thank you, free wordy stuff for fre3tans
As you may know Cyriak AKA Mutated Monty has
written a science fiction book. We've got FIVE
SIGNED COPIES to give away. Complete this joke
"Why did Cyriak cross the road?" and we'll pick
the winners in a week's time.
Add your entries to this thread on the
messageboard.
https://b3ta.com/board/11293514
Cyriak's debut novel 'Horse Destroys The
Universe' is out on the 29th of August and is
available to preorder on Amazon.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B07NRYZQ...
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Bored? Sing "Jacob! Jacob & sons!" but change it
to "Mumford! Mumford and sons" and then cry a
little bit inside.
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: SHITES IN BEEF
Stuff made by wankers who spurn our website
* FOOTBALL MANAGER HAIR ON POLITICIANS -
Twitter account of the week, well probably of
last month, as all you lot would have seen it
by now. However, it's a good format that
continues to deliver slivers of amusement.
Which is all we can ask for really, other than
a quick death.
https://twitter.com/visualsatire
* FUNNY M.O.T CORNER - Go to the Gov website
and checkout the MOT history for For RJ04ZYX on
the 5th June 2015. Well it did work for a bit
but they fixed it, still, there's a screenshot
in the link. ALSO: Can someone scrape the MOT
site for rude words? There's gotta be more like
this.
https://b3ta.com/links/Go_to_the_gov_website_and_c...
* SOCIALISM MONOPOLY - the bastards who own
Monopoly have failed to read the room and made
a parody version of their board name stuffed
with tired gags about socialism being terrible.
Also completely forgetting that the game was
originally designed as a satire on capitalism.
Dry lols ahead.
https://twitter.com/nick_kapur/status/116423365679...
* GEEK SELF-OWN OF THE WEEK - nerdy man gets
personal license plate as "NULL" and ends up
with thousands of dollars worth of fines. Key
quote: "The 'minimum viable product' concept
has pushed a lot of bad code through that
doesn’t go through with the proper level of
testing." Oh how true.
https://www.wired.com/story/null-license-plate-lan...
* SURF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY LIKE IT'S
1994 - As much as we love the Internet Archive,
it's not the easiest thing to browse. This is
a useful proxy, and flags up interesting sites
for that quick huff of nostalgia poppers to
keep your web sphincter loose.
http://theoldnet.com
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People ask which was the best sitcom, Friends or
Seinfeld?
Both continue to say something about the world
today.
Seinfeld predicted that we would be endlessly
obsessed with the minutiae of modern manners.
Friends predicted that people touching 40 would
still be in flatshares.
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: POP MUSIC HITS, BEFORE THEY HAPPEN
Music recommendations from cool dads at B3ta
* ITALIAN SINGS MADE-UP ENGLISH AS IT SOUNDS TO
HIM - What a video! What a groove! This 1972
almost-hit is now our current favourite song.
There's also a Mike 'Oooh me plums' Reid
version knocking around that has some charm but
lacks this strangely sexy video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* SONGS BY CULTS - 1980s new wave song written
by the paedo-cult Children Of God, warning
members that they shouldn't visit the
supermarket because barcodes are mind control.
Maybe they have a point, not about diddling
kids, but you know, computers ARE diddling us
all. Sorry about that, computer fans.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* 'RULE OF THREE' MEANS THERE SHOULD BE A THIRD
RECOMMENDATION - fucked if we care. Go and
listen to Toyah Willcox or something. She's hip
and happening.
("Thanks cool B3ta dads for these rad tunes to
fill my Creative NOMAD Jukebox" - our reader
thinks.)
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Matrix 4 Pitch. Neo patches the Matrix code so it
reboots and without the Beatles existing and he
has a hit record with Yellow Submarine.
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Unlikely Movie Adaptations
Here's the best images from last week:
* CARRY ON - from Ninj
http://b3ta.com/board/11292747
* HITCHCOCK - from Andy_R
http://b3ta.com/board/11292769
* LEARNERS' TEST - from laplandes
https://b3ta.com/board/11292691
* See all the other images from the 'Unlikely
Movie Adaptations' challenge:
https://b3ta.com/challenge/unlikelyadaptations/pop...
>> This week: Everyday Effects <<
Life is very dull compared to the movies, so
lets make things more exciting by putting
special effects in to everyday activities. Give
us explosions, lens flares and CGI enhancements
to the most mundane of things.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/everydayeffects
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It's ok to speak ill of the dead if they're the
dead member of the Beastie Boys and in fact had a
'license to ill'
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: FRIDAY GAME
Trees vs ap
You play the trees in this game which pits the
ecosystem against humans. You'll end up really
hating humanity, if you didn't already. BTW:
Humans are the only organism that KNOW that
they are cunts.
https://avavt.itch.io/seed
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The Beautiful South had five members and three of
them were called Dave. 60% Dave. Ewww.
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: FOLLOWS UPS
What happened next to the B3tan generation
* OK THIS IS A SORT OF A SECOND PROMO FOR
CYRIAK - An interview with Mutated Monty about
books and hedges and things.
https://unbound.com/boundless/2019/08/20/how-can-a...
* B3TANS IN A PODCAST I KNOW, I KNOW IT'S
SERIOUS - news reaches us that Shardcore and Dr
Kate Devlin are in the 'Level Up Human'
podcast. Not out yet, but soon.
https://twitter.com/drkatedevlin/status/1164154107...
* SEXY BOOKY LOOKY - Dr Kate Devlin has also
written a serious book about sex robots. You
want to read about sex robots don't you? Yes
you do. Who doesn't want a handjob from Alexa
or sloppy seconds from Siri? Two for us please
and a USB port up the arsehole.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/14729508...
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Apologies to our readers called Dave for that
previous aside.
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: SPUNK ON NEXT WEEK'S TISSUE
Become "electronic e-famous" with b3ta dot eu
* POUNCE ON THE NEED FOR TAYLOR SWIFT 'LONDON
BOY' CONTENT - take her lyric "I love the
English" and ask some Scots & Irish for their
thoughts on this. And obviously only publish
the most splenetic reactions.
* HOW LEFT-WING IS MY FACE? Upload photo;
public votes; you know how this shit works. Do
it as an app if you insist that websites are
over. (Also make "How Tory Are My Tits?" if
that's your baguette.)
https://twitter.com/BestoftheMail/status/116483815...
* USELESS HUMAN BLOCKER - A function for real
life that when someone is repeating a tedious
pop culture factoid that everyone already knows
like "Frank Beard was the only member of ZZ Top
not to have beard", it deposits illegal images
to their laptop and calls the police. Nonce
jail is too good for them.
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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"Look ma, no hands!" the helicopter pilot said as
he threw up his hands from the controls and into
the blades where they were cut off and went
"wheeeee!" into the distance.
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: SORRY I'VE WRITTEN A JOKE
Crowd-sourced japery from the professionLOLS
This week it's over to the legendary Spacefish
who wishes to apologise for writing a gag:
What do you call a big reptile that gets
someone else to bite you? A deligator.
Why not write one yourself?
https://b3ta.com/questions/imsorryivewrittenajoke/...
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: YAY WE HAVE A NEW(ISH-ISH) NEWSLETTER SPONSOR
Mediamasters Podcast
Paul Blanchard has got in touch to sponsor the
newsletter "My primary purpose is to see you
prosper! Love your work" and also promote his
podcast. There's lots of big media names on it
like Sir Trevor McDonald and Alan Rusbridger,
so get stuck in:
http://www.mediamasters.fm/
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Imagining that Kubrick faked the landings is
missing out on the fun possibilities of other
directors. Like whoever made the Carry On films
or Woody Allen.
-------------------------------------------------
: PATREON THANKS
Thanking you, the best crew
* BIGGEST BROTHERS: *EUGENIE VT*, *ALEX
MORRIS*, *HEBTROCO*, *JAMES O'BRIEN*, *JAMES
PETTS*, *JON GRANT*, *KATE*, *MARK MCCREADIE*,
*MR PHIL DONNELLY*, *SHOWRAT*, *SIMON JAMES*,
*STOOBERT*, *24-7 DEATH*, *ALAN CHARLTON*,
*ALISTAIR*, *ANDREW FLEMMING*, *ANDREW WREN*,
*BEVAN JOHNSON*, *BRIAN EELES*, *CHRIS
BLAKENEY*, *CHRIS CARLINE*, *CHRIS LOCKE*,
*CRISS MORENO*, *GEORGE STEPHENSON*, *GREG
MCGOWAN*, *IAN SHEEN*, *JAIMIE VANDENBERGH*,
*JAMES CRONIN*, *JON BINSTEAD*, *MARK ADAMSON*,
*MICHAEL TRINDER*, *NAT KING COLESLAW*,
*PATRICK CATES*, *RICHARD BARCLAY*, *SIMON
NICHOLLS*, *SPAZZCAPTAIN*, *TOM DOLAN*, *WENDY
GOODE
* BIGGER BROTHERS: NICK MORGAN, LEE BURNETT,
@MATTDAWHIT, ADAM ATACK, ADAM COONEY, ADAM
INGLIS, ADAM LLOYD, ADRIAN WOODFIELD, AL
DAVIDSON, ALBION GRAY, ANDREW SCHEUBER, ANDY
ASHTON, ANDY STORRAR, ANDY TILLETT, ANDY
WEBBER, ANDY YATES`, ANNA, ANNE-MARIE SCOTT,
AUNTIESASH HAZLEWOOD, BEN BRICE, BEN WARD, BEN
WATSON, BERTIL HANSSON, BERTRAM WOOSTER, BEX
COOK, BLOSSOMSHED, BRAD GREGORY, BYRON GEOFFREY
FARROW, C BOND, CARL MORGAN, CATHERINE
MCALLISTER, CATROASTER, CHEF TWAT, CHRIS
BRANCH, CHRIS EVANS, CHRIS GARRATT, CHRIS
GOUGH, CHRIS PATERSON, CHRIS SAUNDERS, CHRIS
SHAW, CHRIS WHITWORTH, CIARÁN R, COURTENAY
FERRIS, CRAIG LIDDELL, CRAIG TONKS, CRAIG
TURNER, DAMIEN SMITH, DAN STOTT, DANIEL BROWN,
DANIEL CHOTE, DAVE NATTRISS, DAVE TICKLE, DAVID
AULT, DAVID CATLEY, DAVID GARDINER, DAVID
GREEN, DAVID KING, DAVID KNOLL, DAVID MILLS,
DEREK LAW, DEREK ROBERTS, DOMINIC HAIGH, ED CAN
DO, ED COOK, EDWARD ALMOND, EMMA LAY, ERIC VON
BORSTEL, ESSY DAVE, FAITH H. MARTIN, FEARGHAS,
FERGUS MCKAY, FIONA JAMES, FOURSTAR, FRASER
LEWRY, FUNKSTER, GAYNOR CLARKSON, GEOFF TIDEY,
GEOFFREY BALME, GEORGE PRESTON, GIA MILINOVICH,
GNEISSROCKS, GRAHAM LICENCE, GREENFOX, GREG
NEILSON, GUS NICOL, HANNAH CHUBB, HEIDI
COLTHUP, HELEN GASKELL, IAIN, IAIN BRASSINGTON,
IAIN FULLER, IAIN HENSHAW, IAIN MOFFATT, IAIN
RUXTON, IAN BEVERIDGE, IAN BOLTZ, IVAN KELLY,
JAMES CLAYTON, JAMES DONNELLY, JAMES GOLBEY,
JAMES KERRY-BARNARD, JAMES MACINNES, JAMES
O'MALLEY, JAMES PEARSON, JAMES SHAKESPEARE,
JAMIE TAYLOR, JANE BAKER, JASON STEWART, JAY
ROCHE, JAYMIE THOMAS, JERRY QUARTLEY, JIM
DABELL, JIM FRAYLING, JIM HALFPENNY, JIM
MACARTHUR, JIM WOODWARD, JOE BANNER, JOE
MCNALLY, JOE SIMMONDS, JOEY MOORE, JOHN
FARAGHER, JOHN FOSTER, JOHN HAMMERSLEY, JOHN
HIGGS, JOHN MATTHEWS, JOHNNIE SHANNON, JOHNNY
WATTERS, JONTY WAREING, JOSH MCMILLAN, JOSHUA
THOMASSON, JUDE EVANS, JUSTIN BRETT, JǏM
MCNǏVEN, KATE DEVLIN, KEV ADAMS, KONRAD
PETRUSEWICZ, LISA WESTHAVEN, LOUISE ALLEN, LUKE
MEPHAM, MARINA DE JOSLIN, MARK HIBBETT, MARK
WILSON, MARTIN BEER, MARTIN DAVIES, MARTIN
HOLLOWAY, MARTIN PEACHE, MATHEW CLAYTON,
MATSIMPSK, MATT BUCHANAN, MATT DREWRY, MATTHEW
COLLINGE, MATTHEW FORMAN, MATTHEW MORRIS,
MATTHEW WILKES, MICK CURTIS, MIDNIGHTRAMBLER,
MIKE MIDDLETON, MIL JAMIESON, MONTOCAT, NEIL DE
CARTERET, NICK ROSS, OBIW4N SHINOBI, OLIVER
BEWES, PAUL CHERRY, PAUL LEADER, PAUL SMITH,
PAUL WESTERMAN, PETER ASHTRAY, PETER COOMBE,
PETER GOSLING, PETER MCMINN, PETER WOUDA,
PHILIP KINCHINGTON, POOKONG, REBECCA MCMANUS,
RHYS WYNNE, RICH POPE, RICHARD BECKETT, RICHARD
MATTHIAS, RICK LINDLEY, RIVEN A BUCKLEY, ROB
AFFLECK, ROB MAHON, ROB VINCENT, ROBBIE LESIUK,
ROBERT HILLS, ROBIN, ROSS CARTER,
ROSSOVERTHERE, RUPERT HULL, RYAN DORAN, RYAN
RHODES, SALEEM AHMAD, SAM ANDERSON, SAM
RUSSELL, SARAH WILLIAMSON, SCOTT S. KRAMER,
SEAN CASELY, SIMON COWAN, SIMON HOLMES, SIMON
MCDOUGALL, SIMON SMITH, SIMON WATERFALL,
STARLORD MIXTAPE, STEPHEN WALLER, STEVE
ANGLESEY, STEVE LAKER, STEVE PROWSE, , STEVEN
SMITH, STEVEY GARLAND, STEWART NOLAN, STUART
ALLDRED, STUART ASHEN, TIM JOKL, TIM MOUNCER,
TIM WEAVER, TOM CRICK, TOM HEBBRON, TOM
REES-WILLIAMS, TOM RYAN, TOM WRIGHT,
TOWNSENDSPUBLISHER, TYRONNE MANN, VICKI JAKES,
WIL HADDEN, WILL GOULDEN, GAVIN TOMMEY, IAN
APPLEBY, PETE, STUART RICHARDS, TOBIE FYSH,
CARL MESNER LYONS, CHRIS JOHNSON, EMMA SYKES,
JAN SPIELHOFF, JESS BAKER, JOHN FIELD, MIKE
CONGREVE, SEAN FLANAGAN, TOM FREKE, ED ZITRON,
ADAM BEARDWOOD, DAVID STARK, ALASTAIR DODD,
ALEXANDRE STRUBE, ANDREW ROBINSON, ANDY
CANDLER, CHRIS GOODE, CONNOR PARSLOW, CRAIG
NAPLES, DAN TASSE, DANIEL MOELLER, DANNY
KODICEK, DOMINIC LE GARSMEUR, DUNCAN
STRICKLAND, HARRY, IRENE SEMANCHUK, JOSEPH
MULVANEY, JULIE BEACOCK, MARK BENSON, MICHAEL
KITT, NICKY HEWGILL, PAUL TOPPING, PETER ROYAL,
RICHARD SPEED, ROSE JOHNSON, SENTIENT MEATBAG,
TIM BEACHY
* BIG BROTHERS: Deny Coughlan, Peter Cooper,
Nick Kent, Russ Anderson, 5telios, Adam
Kaczmarek, Adam Tickner, Al Napp, Alex Wren,
Alex Wrottesley, Amy Oliver, Andrea Vail,
Andrew Harris, Andy Nattan, Andy Shirling, Ben,
Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben Groom, Ben
Sugden, Ben Webb, Bobod, BSG, Cat Conner,
Centuries of Sound, Chris Ward, Christina
Freeman, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Dan
Fairs, Darren John Harris, Dave The Hammer
Parry, David Bond, David Ellinor, David
Whittam, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
Fenris Games, FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Graham
Freeman, Gwyn Fisher, Hadleigh Charles, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ian Silvester, Ilya, Ivan
Shiel, Jace Otting, James, James Meers,
Jennifer Moquin, Jim Lucking, John Griffiths,
John M, Jon Bounds, Julie Brumlik, Lee Ball,
Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Mark Ryan, Martin Vindahl Olsen, Matt
Carr, Matt Loren, Michael Bryan, Mike Booth,
Mike Carter, Mr Flibble, Neil Ives, Nick, Nick
Murdoch, Nigel Ford, Oli, P Underwood, Paul
Bayfield, Paul Braithwaite, Paul Mancini, Paul
Slade, Peter, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter, Rob
Potter, Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan,
Russell Webster, Sam Brown, Seirian Hanner,
Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb, Stephen McAuley,
Stephen Williams, Stewart C. Russell, Stéphane,
Swedemason, Tanya Kant, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim
Knight, Tim Polglase, Tom Clark, Tony East,
Victoria Wood, wigglywigglyworm, Wine School of
Philadelphia.
Also thanks to Matt Round, Snotters, Monkeon,
HappyToast - also Fadgebadger & Tribs. Joke
from Spacefish.
Final thought: imagine Empire magazine but
published three months late so everything in it
is available to stream / download.
Please sub us some cash, thank you:
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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What do you call a cunt who writes about
underwater boats?
Subscribe, you cunt.
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