NEWSLETTER: "THE NEWSLETTER THAT LOSES ITS DEPOSIT IN EVERY BY-ELECTION"
This Week:
* CHALLENGE - Post-Barbie, make toys into film?
* WORD GAME - Are you ready for 'Bonggle?'
* WHAT?! - Veitch is back with the Quiznos stuff
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | by reforesting the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| marquee tags"
B3ta email 870 - 21 July 2023
Read this issue, sipping wine, on a park bench:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue870
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making their pets confused
* PLAY THE GAME FANS ARE CALLING 'BONGGLE' -
Matt Round has made a "Big Ben Word Game" where
"Every second of the day generates a different
puzzle, and there's a satisfying BONNNGGGG that
shakes the game if you get a really long word."
Beautifully executed as normal, and a better use
of parliament than what we actually use it for.
https://vole.wtf/big-ben/
* QUIZNOS HAVE BROUGHT BACK THE SPONGMONKEYS -
In 2005, Joel Veitch single-handedly ruined the
Quizno's sandwich business when they licensed
his strange creations to help sell food. Years
later, and under new management, they've come
back for more. "Aren't they beautiful!" he tells
us.
https://www.quiznos.com/spongmonkey/
* CAN YOU FIND A FIVE LETTER WORD? - It must be
the week for word games because Jonathanellins
writes, "I made an annoying crossword puzzle
where there are loads of 4-letter words, but the
goal is to find the only 5-letter word each day,
please give it a try." Honestly we were shit at
this one - it's tough.
https://identifive.com/
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Buy some clothes, you clothes-less fools
Each week we ask that you buy some fine togs
from the sponsors of B3ta and Fesshole, Hebtro,
that fine clothing manufacturer. Their USP is
everything is made in the UK to the highest
standards and it's perfect for gifts for men, or
yourself, if you're man, or just like wearing
slightly butch clothes. DIG IN.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions this week
Four years ago we started a project where you
submit your confessions and we tweet out a few
for likes. And quite frankly it's taken over our
life. It was never meant to turn out like this,
but fuck it, you play the cards you have, so
this is our life now.
* THE STASI IS REAL - "Someone who bullied me at
school runs their own cafe now. They started
selling 'Colin the Caterpillar' biscuits with
the Colin the Caterpillar chocolate faces from
Marks and Spencer on them so I've let M&S
customer services know to ask them to
investigate."
* FOOTBALL CONTENT - "For some reason the wife
decided to surprise me by wearing the full kit
of my favourite football team. I had to really
concentrate to get past that she had put my
favourite classic 1992-93 shirt with the 2019-20
shorts."
* WOOF - "I wanted a dog so badly as a child,
that I stared at the sun for a prolonged period
of time in the hope I'd go blind, making me
eligible to get a guide dog. It didn't work, I'm
35 and still have 20/20 vision."
If this is your bag, then join the account that
frustratingly doesn't quite have one million
followers - so if you know 7,000 people, please
ask them to follow it.
https://twitter.com/fesshole
BUY THE FESSBOOK BOOK - just 99p on Kindle
version, so that's fuck all. Behind the scenes
we are prepping book two, The New Fesstatment,
so look out for that in the shops for Xmas.
https://amzn.to/3EQU6wb
COME TO THE SHOWS - We've got two shows for sale
at the moment, London and Leicester. We hope to
announce more soon as we have 4 or 5 under
discussion all at new locations.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Content for your Palm Pilot emulator
* SLEEPING WITH THE ZUCKERBERG - A boring
read-through of the endless Instagram terms and
conditions made as an attempt to lull users to
sleep. We assume you'll hear something like
this in your head when your Neuralink first gets
turned on, if you don't go the way of all their
dead monkeys that is.
https://zzzuckerberg.com
* YOU ARE ATLAS - In this idle game, it's
everyone's job to keep holding the sky up. If
you're the only person on the site, then that
person is YOU. Could really do with a high
score table, though - being able to write POO on
the screen would really make leaving it open for
8 days worth it.
https://youareatlas.com
* AMBIENT CHILL OUT AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL - Fred
Zeppelin recommends "Combining ambient/chill out
music with air traffic control, a possible
opportunity for relaxation and extreme tension
simultaneously. You can choose your own personal
favourite airport." We couldn't get it to tune
into London airports, which was a shame.
https://www.lofiatc.com/
* "CAT PERVERT!" - the joy of everyone owning
camera phones means we're now all the Stasi,
turning our mental neighbours into enjoyable
viral content.
http://b3ta.com/links/1606664
* INTERVIEW PRANK - This prank from Simon Pegg
upon a lowly interviewer whilst promoting the
latest Mission Impossible movie is both mean and
probably the funniest thing he's done since he
was funny for a living 20-odd years ago.
https://twitter.com/joshieonfilm/status/1679967149...
* YOU ARE THE YETI - Proving it is always more
fun to play the bad guy, this remake of Windows
3.0's SkiFree allows you to play as the Yeti and
gobble up all the skiers. A remake of Emlyn
Hughes International Soccer where you get to
play as a pitch invading streaker next, please.
https://miltage.itch.io/yeti-upsetti
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Mundane Video Games
Here's the best images from last week:
* REALISTIC FLIGHT SIMULATOR - just a good
observation that's never occurred to us before,
that an accurate flight simulator for 99.9% of
us would put us in the position of the passenger
- thanks Razzle.
https://b3ta.com/board/11396185
* BARBER IAN - maybe this could be a challenge
itself: new things from adding spaces in
existing things. Thanks Tinglto.
https://b3ta.com/board/11396261
* NINTENDUCKS - Monkeon's entry makes us wonder
if he's been told off for feeding the ducks
bread like we were 20 odd years ago. We only
feed them vegetables now.
https://b3ta.com/board/11396232
* See all the other images from the 'Mundane
Video Games' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/mundanegames/popular
>> This week: Toy Movies <<
The Barbie movie is everywhere, and we'll
inevitably end up with loads of toy-themed
movies in 2024. Let's predict what rubbish toy
films we've got to look forward to, or just add
some toys to classic film scenes.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/toymovies/popular
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to kick you off
* A GAME WHERE YOU KEEP COUNTING UP - this forum
where people entertain themselves by counting
together is possibly a hit multiplayer game
waiting to be made.
https://community.giffgaff.com/t/forum-games
* THE WORLD'S BIGGEST CELEBRITY HALF-SIBLING
BUSH - ok, follow us here, Ray Davies had a
child with Chrisie Hynde who had a child with
Jim Kerr who had a child with Patsy Kensit who
had a child with Liam Gallagher who had a child
with Lisa Moorish who had a child with Pete
Doherty. Can you beat that?
* AN INTERNATIONAL COMPETITION ON WHO CAN DO THE
LONGEST SLIDE IN SOCKS - this was prompted by
the tiles on our kitchen floor getting lethally
slippy after grooming our hairy cat with some
conditioning spray.
Don't fail us:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; HappyToast for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (Righto - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'TEA' FESSHOLE
"Wife likes her tea weak, so I dunk her teabag a
few times, then leave it by the jar for next
time. I get 3-4 cups from each teabag. She hates
that I do this, calls me a tightarse, but by my
reckoning we save nearly £2 off grocery bills
every year. Can't argue with those numbers."
