NEWSLETTER: "WHAT'S 22 YEARS OLD AND SMELLS OF OLD MEN? IT'S THE B3TA NEWSLETTER"
This Week:
* TYPE SOME WORDS - the B3ta Newsletter survey
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - Photoshop Sir Satan HIMself
* THE SMASH HITS BOT - back, Back! BACK!!!
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're shitting on every
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | single URL on the web
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| starting with aaaaa.com"
B3ta email 888 - subtitles available - 15 Dec 2023
Read this issue out on CB radio to truckers:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue888
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #1
Other than making their spots worse via picking
* CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS TALKIN' - Si Bennet is
wishing you a "merry Christmas" with his very
professionally edited video featuring that
dancer guy from the Fat Boy Slim video. Next
week maybe he could be 'Walken' in a Winter
Wonderland?
https://b3ta.com/links/and_a_merry_christmas
* RANDOM SMASH HITS IS BACK, BACK, BACK! Your
editor has been working hard to bring back the
bots that were so ungraciously destroyed by Elon
Musk fucking up the Twitter API, in the last few
weeks we've seen the return of Yoko Ono Bot and
Swearclock, and now it's the nostalgia bot that
posts old pages from pop-tatsic Smash Hits. Neil
Tennant probably has already blocked it. BTW: In
related news aren't we all looking forward to
the Tom Hibbert book, phew, eh readers?
https://twitter.com/randomsmashhits
* OLD B3TAN CONTINUES TO MAKE AMAZING STUFF FOR
JOE.IE - Swedemason writes, "I've been faffing
around with AI. I thought it'd make my job at
best easier, at worst redundant but it just made
it more complicated, if anything. Opens up a
whole new can of worms." This one genuinely is
stunning and will probably convince you all to
vote for the Natural Law Party, so that's
politics solved.
https://twitter.com/PoliticsJOE_UK/status/17345461...
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
Go on you fucks, buy some Christmas gifts
Our sponsors have a shit-load of ideas for gifts
for the men in your life, including a knife
that's only semi-legal to carry as it's
lockable. Ok you can carry it if you have a good
reason, so be *careful* out there. Safer gifts
include socks and belts, but what we're going to
link to is the gift card, as that's a perfect
present for the person you haven't got a fucking
clue what to buy for, which is most people isn't
it?
https://hebtro.co/product/hebtroco-gift-voucher
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK #2
Blimey we've got a lot of stuff this week
* SPEND CHRISTMAS INSIDE MATT ROUND'S BRAINS -
The Vole.WTF head honcho is selling tickets to
his new project launching on Christ's birthday
and implores , "Do consider buying a ticket if
you're into retro computers/nuclear dread/online
weirdness. It's got a whole OS, apps, games,
forums, messaging, videos, and secrets to
unlock. All the ticket money's gone to
contributors and I've built it because I wanted
it to exist." We're very serious - you should
buy a ticket to this. Matt is building a project
that's been on his mind since UsVsTh3m days and
the bits we've seen are extraordinary.
https://vole.wtf/arcc/
* RANDOM JOKE GENERATOR - DngDng writes, "Using
the world's most advanced AI, I made JokeGTP, a
fully sentient machine that has synthesised the
very funniest jokes possible for our simplistic
human minds to enjoy. (May contain some mild
satire, very little actual AI.)" We'll forgive
this then, on the basis that it's not putting
hard working comedians out of business this cold
cold Christmas.
https://dngdng.itch.io/jokegtp
* TAMAGOTCHI - Blombluss writes, "Speaking as
someone who doesn't much care for either
Christmas or Tamagotchis, I thought I might be
the ideal person to try and combine the two. So
here's 'A Tamagotchi Christmas Story'" Excellent
work, we smiled for the first time since we
googled our school bully and found out he'd died
in a scuba-diving accident.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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NEWSLETTER READER SURVEY
Speak your brains on this ASCII periodical
Realised that we're writing Newsletter 888,
which is just one of those nice numbers that
create pleasure, and we've never asked you why
you read this damn thing. Anon survey here so
you can tell us what you think. Although don't
be one of those smart-Alexas saying it's all
crap.
https://forms.gle/iKj5oZ4eZM61VRa96
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: FESSHOLE
Your confessions tweeted out as content
Each week you type any old bollocks into a
Google form and we pick out 16 a day to share
and then at the end of the week, select just
three to pop into this very newsletter. How's
that for an exciting description of an editorial
process?
* THIS SHOULD BUMP SUBS - "I pay for my friend
to have a membership to the Daniel O'Donnell Fan
Club. It costs less than £20 a year to hear him
go absolutely mental every time something is
posted or emailed to him. He fucking hates
Daniel O'Donnell and it's worth every penny."
* OLD JOKE'S HOME - "Went to the toilet once and
a guy in the next cubicle said "alright, mate!
What you up to there?" I replied "hey just
having a shit". An awkward pause followed before
the guy in the next cubicle said 'I'll have to
call you back, mate...' I hid in that cubicle
for an hour."
* ADVERT POTENTIAL - "Wife is still friends with
her ex. He's a massive coffee snob. Totally
coffee obsessed, spends thousands on coffee
machines, gadgets, rare beans and crap. Now
every time I'm at the same party as him, I rave
about Nescafé Gold Blend, not to him, in
earshot. Just to see him squirm."
This is where we claim that the account only has
a million followers because people have mistaken
it for the one that posts AI generated videos of
people squeezing Hitler's spots. Yes, Zitler, we
went there. Do follow:
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
Right, big up coming to see your editor pissing
around pretending to be a stand-up comedian by
doing the best Fesshole confessions and the bit
that's really kinda an accidental high-wire act:
trying to manage a roomful of two-hundred people
doing audience confessions and it not all going
horribly wrong. So far it hasn't but it's a bit
thrilling, for us, maybe more so than the
audience.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
It's not too late to buy the second Fesshole
book for Christmas, in fact it's the ideal time,
and we really hope you spend Christmas day
hiding on the toilet reading our little yellow
book of human filth. Best Amazon review? "It's
like the pure undiluted elixir of odd stuff that
comedians use for standup but from real people
and without the anecdotal verbal fluffing they
feel compelled to add. I'd be very surprised if
you regret buying this."
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BRIEFS
Reader's Digest of the information
super-roundabout
* DAVID BOWIE'S REALISTIC 'LET'S DANCE'
SIMULATOR - A dance-floor puzzle in which you
must try and stand on all the right squares in
the fewest possible moves. You even get rated
on your steps at the end, thankfully without any
of that annoying whooping you get on Strictly
Come Dancing. (Apparently. Never seen it.)
https://ludipe.itch.io/the-last-dance
* FESTIVE NERD PROJECT - Nerdy webcams are a
foundation of the web, and the more people who
click the button on this site, the faster the
German engineer's Christmas decoration will
spin. But will it take off or burst into flames?
We're truly living in the future.
https://tu-chemnitz.de/mb/mp/weihnachten2023/
* MINESWEEPER WITH A TWIST - the twist being
that you're playing on crazy paving. Next up:
Dry stone walling Tetris.
https://polyreplay.com/minesweepertwist
* RADICAL ARTISTS SMUGGLING POLITICAL MESSAGES -
Turns out a bunch of naughty lefties sneaked
loads of subversive art into a very tedious US
soap opera. Can everyone do more stuff like this
please? It makes our hearts sing.
https://slate.com/culture/2023/12/melrose-place-ab...
* THE WEETABIX POLICE - enjoyably nerdy study on
the differences between package delivery
companies, stress tested by sending a small bar
of solid breakfast cereal through the post.
https://builtformars.com/case-studies/ux-of-parcel...
* ONLY THE 'MOVE' BITS FROM MOVIES - Fascinating
video showing you how you can use your camera to
only detect motion within a scene. Should be
achievable on pretty much any video editing
software.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Christmas Decorations
Last week we asked you to reimagine Christmas
decorations only using the power of Durex Paint
2.0 on the Commodore Amigo:
* 'CUSTARD' answers the question on everyone's
lips, "Is Hellraiser a Christmas movie?"
https://b3ta.com/board/11401972
* 'OCTO' answers the question everyone asks
next, "Is 2001: A Space Odyssey a Christmas
movie?"
https://b3ta.com/board/11401678
* 'PLANKTON' has one for the dads who ended up
with a stiff arm after watching the Coronation,
and to complete the theme yes it was a Christmas
movie because, we don't know, something
something sticky white christmas,
https://b3ta.com/board/11401814
* Experience all the other images from the
'Christmas Decorations' challenge using your
eye-stalks.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/christmasdecorations/pop...
>> This week: SATAN!!! <<
Seeing as it's Christmas, we've turned over the
site for one week to the enemy of Christ, the
Devil himself. Do your worst, for we work for
him now. HAIL SATAN!
http://b3ta.com/challenge/satan/popular
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: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
Follow-ups on previous stories
* SHARDCORE ON THE BEEB - Shardcore tells us
that he's "delighted to announce that I am
doing a bit at this year's Royal Institution
Christmas Lectures - talking about AI &
creativity. It should be on your telly on 27th
December."
https://bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001tv98
* CHRIS THE BARKER IN BILLBOARD - Chris, whose
Sgt Pepper death montage we linked last week is
pleased to get his annual appearance in the only
US magazine that's set up to express tedium with
people who use the diminutive of William.
https://www.billboard.com/culture/lifestyle/2023-s...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Oh god we have to think up some ideas for this
Each week we slam our dicks into the fridge door
until we can think up three ideas to bung in
this section. Ow. Ow. Ow.
* 'WHAT PARTY IS THIS MP' CHROME PLUG-IN - a
long term infuriating thing on social media is
seeing MPs pop up who don't make it clear which
party they're from. This could be fixed with a
big list and plug in. Get to work Chrome-nerds.
* EVERY MOVIE A CHRISTMAS MOVIE - Surely it's
possible to rate every movie ever made on how
Christmassy it is, from Paul McCartney's Give My
Regards To Broadstreet to Schindler's List.
* IS YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIE MORE POPULAR THAN
PEPPA-PIG OR NOT? Matt Round asks us to point
out that "you can download a spreadsheet of
Netflix's viewing stats and do nerdy things with
it." So that's a serious suggestion should you
want one.
https://about.netflix.com/en/news/what-we-watched-...
Go on, tell us about your "project":
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: READERS' QUESTIONS
Like the Guardian's Notes & Queries but useless
Jeremyhurst3 asks, "I've always wondered what
Larry Hagman said for the product name in the
very first Muller Light advert. This bit was
overdubbed and he definitely wasn't saying
Muller Light. Do any of your readers have any
ideas?"
Hmmm. We've checked out the ad and can't even
see a bit where he says this on camera. So
fucked if we know. But if you have anything to
add - here's the mail form:
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (NP, K)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'MEET CUTE' FESSHOLE
"I approached my now wife in a hotel and she
always tells everyone how nervous I was. I can
never tell her, but I thought she was a hooker."
