NEWSLETTER: "FROM YOUR INBOX TO BINBOX IN ONE EASY CLICK"
This Week:
* NEW IMAGE CHALLENGE - Star Wars adverts
* JAMES BOND - mucks up his catchphrase
* FESSHOLE DURHAM GIG - announced, hooray, etc
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________ ____ __ ___
____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're saving the web,
___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | to spin silk so strong
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| it could break dicks"
B3ta fax-o-matic newsletter 899 - 9th Mar 2024
Read this issue to your estranged ex-pets:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue899
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE MADE THIS WEEK
Other than making lots of poo and wee, hooray
* THE NAME IS BOND, BOND BOND - 'Dogfood' has
made a mashup of James Bond screwing up his own
catchphrase. It's funnier than it should be. We
rolled on the floor laughing out loud, Miss
Bond-penny.
https://b3ta.com/links/The_james_Bond_Names_Bond
* JANEY THOMPSON'S MARATHON RETURNS - Matt Round
writes, "I just put five old Flash games back
online. There are glitches, & they won't work on
mobile, but nice to see them running again."
BTW: If you can be arsed to win Space Cannibals,
you'll get 'treated' to a secret easter egg of
your newsletter editor singing one of his
'songs'.
https://mattround.com/flash/
* THUNDERBIRDS ARE GO...ING TO SING - For some
reason 'AVR2' has made Jeff Tracy of
International Rescue perform The Sultans Of
Ping's "Where's Me Jumper" and it would delight
an angel.
https://b3ta.com/links/Jeff_Tracy_Sings
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: HEBTROCO SPONSORSHIP
But some lovely clothes you clothes-shy fops
Each week we implore you to buy some clothes
from Hebtro as they support both b3ta and
fesshole and this means we have time to run
these projects. What we'd like you to do is buy
some clothes there, either for yourself or a
present for a bloke in your life. All clothes
are made in the UK to the highest standards and
built to last and your newsletter editor is
currently committed to wearing a thick leather
Hebtro belt so that when people ask (and they
do), "you know those ads for Hebtro, are they
really any good?" we can show them at all times.
https://hebtro.co/
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: FESSHOLE
Fessed up like an owl coughing up mouse bones
You know the score by now, approx five years ago
we asked you to start submitting confessions to
a form on the promise we'd tweet a few out.
Nearly 250,000 submissions later and really the
whole project has been great other than the
"didn't happen" crowd who think they're playing
"Would I Lie To You?" but don't even have the
wit to be in the audience. Our favs this week:
* DAD OF THE YEAR - "Off work I was due to pick
kids up from nursery. Fell asleep and didn't
hear calls, so my wife got called and rushed
home from work to get them. She came in furious
so I had to pretend I was unconscious. Ended up
having days of tests to see what was wrong just
to avoid a bollocking."
* MOVIE POTENTIAL - "When our friends got
married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure
we were invited she booked flights and hotel.
Turned out it was immediate family only, so we
spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort
until they left, and to my knowledge they still
have no idea we were there."
* CONFUSING BUT WORTH IT - "My ex-husband's
sister's husband's sister is the partner of a
famous actor. I met him backstage after a show.
Like a nervous idiot, I showed him a picture of
my niece and nephew. He was so gracious and kind
and said, 'Yes, I know them; they're my niece
and nephew too.'"
Follow the account that only has followers
because people mistook it for that funny one
that posts stats on Tory MPs about to lose their
seats.
https://twitter.com/fesshole/
TICKETS! Yes, come to Fesshole live, this week
we're just announcing a gig in Durham at the
famous Cricket Club and we still have tickets
for Glasgow (next), Dublin, Brighton and
Northampton. Also come if you like b3ta coz we
make sure there's a good chunk of b3ta stuff
too.
https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole
Buy the book that costs £10+ again because you
didn't grab it when it was half-price after
Christmas. Still, it's cheap, it'll be worth
over double that after the apocalypse and
there's no internet for shit lols.
https://amzn.to/40ySjVn
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: SITES IN BEEFS
Download WebUser.exe and play it on DOSBOX
* "MIKAELI SUCCESSFULLY HITS METAL SEVENTEEN
TIMES" - Strange time-loop sketch that you have
to let roll all over you and we'd spoil it by
talking too much.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* 1966: A SPORTS ODYSSEY - Loving this Stanley
Kubrick cartoon from the creators of Drunken
Bakers at VIZ comic. We felt clever for
understanding it all AND we laughed which means
it's truly the highest form of art.
https://twitter.com/HealeyCartoons/status/17657356...
* WHAT TIME IS TIME? - This story about the rise
of and fall of sundial inspired clocks is both a
tribute to creativity, the wonderful
collaborative power of the internet and most of
all, how important it is to be bored, as it
forces you to think. Our advice to everyone is
to take up something like swimming which forces
you to spend at least some of your day not
looking at screens or having podcasts pumped
into your ears.
https://ironicsans.beehiiv.com/p/life-death-bulbdi...
* INTERVIEWS THAT NEVER HAPPENED - Hoochalobster
writes, "Have you seen The Talk? Very well made
mash-up interviews - David Lynch chatting to
Cher is wonderful." No we haven't seen this,
well, not this one, we saw another in the
series.
https://www.youtube.com/watch
* AMERICAN LOLITICS - The missing context on
this is that when Tucker Carlson had his
not-suspicious-at-all outing to Russia, he went
around a supermarket acting amazed at some
really bog-standard things, such as the coin
release slot on a trolley. Dangle the objects
in front of his easily-impressed face.
https://impresstucker.com
* NAME THAT TUNE - A nicely designed game-a-day
in which you must guess the film from a song on
the soundtrack and a couple of clues. There's a
playable archive if you'd rather not bother with
the one-a-day format.
https://needledrop.me
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: IMAGE CHALLENGE
Art on a budget
Here's the winners from last week where we were
asking you to make great pictures with limited
finances.
* 'CHRISBARKER' - his entry went viral on Elon
Musk's shit machine and produced his biggest
ever 'X', which would have meant something in
2020.
https://b3ta.com/board/11404728
* 'DAVE BAGPUS FORESEY' - honestly we're scoring
this one highly as we wear the same watch.
https://b3ta.com/board/11404785
* 'HAPPYTOAST' - is it even a b3ta image
challenge if Toast doesn't do well? The highest
rated by public votes too.
https://b3ta.com/board/11404708
* See all the other images from the 'Art on a
budget' challenge:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/artonabudget/popular
>> This week: Star Wars vs Adverts <<
Chile has shown us the future by inserting a
beer commercial into Star Wars. Show us what
other product placement and adverts could be
shoe-horned into the Star Wars galaxy, or what
commercials the characters could make a cameo in
whilst George isn't looking.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/starwarsvsadverts/popula...
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Some ideas to jizz idea spunk in your third eye
* BECOME A MUSTARD INFLUENCER - it's clear that
if you want to make a mark in online bollocks,
then it's about zooming in and being very
specific. The time has come for there to be a
great moutarde content maker who spits vitriol
on anything that isn't hotter than Colmans.
* TOILET GRAFFITI - another thing we've noticed
in 20+ odd years of monitoring what goes big
online and people put far too much store on an
idea being original rather than the execution
being good. You could take a very tired idea
like photographing toilet graffiti and if you
did it well, i.e. found new stuff and you only
published funny ones, you could make a hit. But
you won't do this because you'll reject the idea
for being unoriginal, and the type of person who
leaps on it thinking 'easy win' is unlikely to
have the editorial taste to run it well. Yes we
did just ponder this reading the graffiti in a
public loo in a small Cotswold village. It said
"everyone laughs at your weird genitals", if you
really want to know. Truth hurts.
* THE INSPIRATION MACHINE - Spent a lot of this
week playing the ancient DOS game "The
Incredible Machine" and it still stands up.
There's just something solid about single screen
puzzles: solve them, advance to the next one. If
you want to write a hit game that appeals to
people who are more thoughtful than reaction
speed shooty bollocks, a few days studying why
this game is so compelling would be a fine use
of your time.
Oh go on, email us, what's the worst that could
happen? Your newsletter editor shrugs?
https://b3ta.com/mailus/
* BONUS IDEA, TITLE DROPS 2.0 - internet
trouble-maker Jonty Wareing writes, "Finally
answered a question I've wondered for years.
Which movie namedrops itself earliest in the
script?" The answer, disappointingly, is
something quite obscure. We wonder what the
answer is for a film we've heard of? Like, this
is a technical win, but what about films over a
certain threshold of public awareness? The data
is all there should you want to play.
https://github.com/Jonty/titledrops_data
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: PATREON THANKS
We love all these people. Almost romantically.
*HEBTROCO* *JAMES O'BRIEN* *KATE* *MARK
MCCREADIE* *MR PHIL DONNELLY* *SHOWRAT* *SIMON
JAMES* *STOOBERT*
24-7 DEATH, ALAN CHARLTON, ALISTAIR, BRIAN
EELES, CHRIS BLAKENEY, CHRIS CARLINE, CHRIS
LOCKE, CRISS MORENO, IAN SHEEN, JAIMIE
VANDENBERGH, MARK ADAMSON, RICHARD BARCLAY,
SPAZZCAPTAIN, WENDY GOODE, NAT KING COLESLAW,
ALBERT MARSHMALLOW, DANIEL MUDFORD, CARL DENCH
Ed Zitron, Eugenie vT, Tom Dolan, Tom Wright,
lee burnett, Richard Matthias, @mattdawhit, Adam
Atack, Adam Cooney, Adam Lloyd, Adrian
Woodfield, Al Davidson, Albion Gray, Andy
Storrar, Andy Tillett, Andy Webber, Anna,
Anne-Marie Scott, Ben Watson, Bertram Wooster,
blossomshed, Carl Morgan, Catherine McAllister,
Chris Evans, Chris Shaw, Craig Tonks, Damien
Smith, Dan Stott, Daniel Brown, Dave Nattriss,
Dave Tickle, David Ault, David Catley, David
Gardiner, David King, David Mills, Derek Law,
Dominic Haigh, Emma Lay, Eric von Borstel, Faith
H. Martin, Fiona James, Fraser Lewry, Gaynor
Clarkson, Gia Milinovich, Greg Neilson, Gus
Nicol, Iain, Iain Brassington, Iain Fuller, Iain
Ruxton, Ian Beveridge, Ivan Kelly, James
Donnelly, James Kerry-Barnard, Jane Baker, Jason
Stewart, Jerry Quartley, Jim Dabell, Jim
Frayling, Jim MacArthur, Jim Woodward, Joe
McNally, Joe Simmonds, John Faragher, John
Foster, John Hammersley, John Matthews, Jude
Evans, Jm McNven, Kate Devlin, Kev Adams, Konrad
Petrusewicz, Martin Beer, Martin Holloway,
Martin Peache, matsimpsk, Matt Buchanan, Matt
Drewry, Matthew Collinge, Matthew Forman,
Matthew Morris, Matthew Wilkes, midnightrambler,
mil jamieson, Neil de Carteret, Nick Ross,
OBiW4N SHiNOBi, oliver bewes, Paul Cherry, Paul
Smith, Paul Westerman, Peter Ashtray, Peter
Coombe, peter wouda, Philip Kinchington,
pookong, Rich Pope, Richard Beckett, Rob Mahon,
Rob Vincent, Robbie Lesiuk, Ross Carter,
RossOverThere, Saleem Ahmad, Scott S. Kramer,
sean casely, Simon Cowan, Simon Holmes, Simon
McDougall, Simon waterfall, Stephen Waller,
Steve Anglesey, Steven Smith, Stuart Ashen, Tim
Jokl, Tim Mouncer, Tim Weaver, Tom Crick, Tom
Rees-Williams, Tom Ryan, TownsendsPublisher, Wil
Hadden, Will Goulden, AuntieSash Hazlewood,
Byron Geoffrey Farrow, Chef Twat, Chris Gough,
Chris Whitworth, Craig Turner, Daniel Chote,
Fergus McKay, fourstar, Geoff Tidey, Geoffrey
Balme, Graham Licence, James Macinnes, John
Higgs, Jonty Wareing, Mick Curtis, Rhys Wynne,
Rob Affleck, Chris Saunders, George Preston,
James O'Malley, Martin Davies, Mike Middleton,
Bex Cook, Hannah Chubb, Ben Ward, James Pearson,
Shane McHugh, Stevey Garland, Ciarn R, Craig
Liddell, Helen Gaskell, Christopher Orr, Will
Moody, Nick Morgan, Ben Brice, David Green,
Justin Brett, Louise Allen, Robin, Gavin Tommey,
Stuart Richards, Tobie Fysh, Pete, Carl Mesner
Lyons, Chris Johnson, Emma Sykes, Jan Spielhoff,
Mike Congreve, Sean Flanagan, Tom Freke, Sam
Anderson, Jess Baker, Adam Beardwood, David
Stark, Julie Brumlik, Alastair Dodd, Alexandre
Strube, Andrew Robinson, Andy Candler, Connor
Parslow, Craig Naples, Daniel Moeller, Duncan
STrickland, Harry, Irene Semanchuk, Joseph
Mulvaney, Michael Kitt, Nicky Hewgill, Paul
Topping, peter royal, Richard Speed, Sentient
Meatbag, Tim Beachy, Dominic Le Garsmeur, Mark
Benson, Danny Kodicek, Deny Coughlan, Nick Kent,
Russ Anderson, Adam Kaczmarek, Andrea Vail, Andy
Shirling, Ben Chapman, ben cowell-thomas, Ben
Groom, Ben Sugden, Cat Conner, Centuries of
Sound, Claire Allen, Claire Zolkwer, Darren John
Harris, Dave The Hammer Parry, David Bond, David
Ellinor, Daz Wright, Emily Payne, Emma Nicol,
FuzzyFreaks, Gary Sharp, Gwyn Fisher, Hugh
Noble, Iain M Barker, Ilya olak-Anti, Jennifer
Moquin, Jim Lucking, John M, Jon Bounds, Lee
Ball, Louis E, Lyra Jay, Marc Lindberg, mark
madgwick, Matt Carr, Michael Bryan, Mr Flibble,
Neil Ives, Nick, Nigel Ford, Oli, Paul Bayfield,
Paul Slade, Peter Wood, Phil Barns, Rachel
Tougas, Richard Abraham, Richard Midwinter,
Robert Purkis, Robert Simpson, Rohan, Sam Brown,
Seirian Hanner, Sham Courtney, Simon Lumb,
Stephen McAuley, Stewart C. Russell, Stphane,
Swedemason, Ted Bowyer, Thepfy, Tim Polglase,
Tom Clark, Tony East, wigglywigglyworm, Adam
Tickner, Al Napp, Andrew Harris, Bobod, Chris
Ward, Jace Otting, James Meers, John Griffiths,
Paul Mancini, Rob Potter, Tanya Kant, Victoria
Wood, Graham Freeman, Caroline Kahn, Matt.
EDITORIAL THANKS: Monkeon & Matt Round
additional links; Monkeon for image challenge
help; and Dr Dunno for extra support. Proofing
by Kat E. Thanks Kat. (that is quite alright
eggs - Kat)
And thank you to newish Patreons Ben Rout, Tim
Clarke, Simon Balch, Clemence Saussez, Derek
Colley. Martin Pritchard, Stephanie Wissinger,
Dion Ashton and Paul Blanchard. Thanks to EVEN
NEWER ONES: Fadgebadger, Mark (Mavis), Joshua
Rackstraw, Mike Stringer, Eliot Beer, Harri
Bionic, Chris Lindley, Stuart B, Jon Morris
Smith, Daniel Malbon, James Heaver and Phil
Lovell. And further thanks to newer ones: Ben
Oliver, James Wise, Claire Turner, Omnipiss,
Lindsay Mclaughlin, Mellyfish, Simon Edwards,
Dave Wong & Stafford Lawrence. NEWEST - special
love to NEW PATREON Phillip Spowart. NEW NEWSEST
- extra love love love to si Jobling & Daniel
Calvin. And bonus new love to Douglas Pennant,
Roy Santos & Will Thompson. We love you. OH GOD,
and more bonus love to Alex Collin-Oakley, Phil
McGuire & Paul Blanchard - you sexy people. And
Mike Powell and Damion Brown and Ross Carter and
PJ. Ooooh and John Daly. Oooh oooh ooh and Rich
Corcoran. Love you. And a special thank you to
the super generous Paul Topping. And a thank you
to the return of Carlos Fandango. Much
appreciated Carl. OOH AND NEW ONES! Alistair
Murray Swodeck, nevillebartos, Blargity Blarg
Blarg. YAY! Oh and more thanks to Ian Walker,
Attila Eros, Calanish and Mike Wolcom. WE LOVE
YOU. And new new thanks to Dale Goodall, Gillian
Parrot, Albion Gray & Gary Alan Norton. Thank
you, you kind humans. And... Leighton Stevenson,
Ben Cowell-Thomas & Phil Bennett. Thx. BONUS
THANKS: Gillian Parrott, Funny_hat & Gub~gub.
BONUS THANKS TO NEWEST: Niomi Wightman, Matt &
JonC. Super-newest thank to Benjamin Blundell
and Stuart. Super bonus news thanks to Luka
Mikec,
Peter Henningsen & Mike Coats.
And do please donate as you get occasional
"bonus" content. Maybe. No, actually done a
couple of bits recently, do sign up.
https://www.patreon.com/b3ta
Like Liz Truss, we too are victims of the Deep
State, who've conspired to prevent the B3ta
newsletter having more subscribers. Take a blow
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https://b3ta.com/subscribe/
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: AH FUCK IT, BONUS 'JUST ONE MORE THING' FESSHOLE
"At school in the 70s I decided I'd look cool
wearing a long sand coloured trench coat. I wore
it for one day. I've been called Columbo now for
50 years."
