chinese
I was in the Chinese takeaway, ordering my usual chicken chow mein, when I realised I didn't have enough cash on my and would have to go to the cash machine.

'Ah, sorry - could you cook it for me and I'll be back in a minute with the money?'

'No, sorry, you have to pay for your food up front.'

'Oh. But you take telephone orders for people to order, and then come in and pick up and pay for don't you?'

I think she'll realise she's being daft. She looks at me blankly.

'Yes. So what?'

'Well... what's the difference between me phoning and order in and paying for it when I pick it up, to me running down the road to the cash point and paying when I come back?'

'But...your not on the phone.'

I pull out my phone.
'Shall I ring you and place my order then?'

'Yes please.'

'ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?' I'm laughing, thinking she's messing about.

Nope. So I actually rang up the chinese takeaway I was standing in to place my order. She answered the phone. I placed my order. I went to the cash machine. I came back. I paid.

I got my chicken chow mein.
(inflateable, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 17:09, 6 replies)

Black Country Genius
Pea roast.
Smash Monkey reminded me of these. Both from Merry Hill Odeon.

Me and the ex Mrs Kite went to see "Shindler's List". We sat through it, and were both teary eyed after the final "modern day" scene with the actors and relatives laying stones on Schindler's grave. As the house lights came up, a couple in front of us, in their 40's said "Ooh wouldn't it be terrible if all that was true"

Similarly, we were enjoying "Titanic"; the ship hits an iceberg. Woman in front of us whispers to her friend "ooh, do you think the ship will sink?"
(kitescreech still here, Wed 30 Nov 2016, 22:35, 8 replies)

one late wintry december afternoon, about 15 years ago now, a friend and i were trying decide where we should all go for drinks on NYE
we were in a pub at the time, and wondering if they were making any sort of special effort. so my friend says to the barman (think the spotty pizza dude from the simpsons):

"hi, just wondering what you are doing on new year's eve?"

a panicked flush galloped up his frantically swallowing throat and merged all his spots into one giant red spot.

"working, sorry," he stammered, and ran away. rejected!

oh and the same friend once rang a club to ask what sort of night it was, as someone thought it might be 80's night. the conversation went like this:

her - "hi, just wondering what night it is tonight?"

them - "Saturday, love."

her - "thanks very much," - and hangs up.

twat.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 21 Dec 2016, 11:43, 6 replies)

Matilda
A pretty, plump face, with a mouth wide like a frog's. Hair, spun gold, piled atop her head, straggled locks pulled loose and hanging here and there like decorative strands of gilded tinsel. A mind that wasn't quick, conventionally; a furrowed brow and protruding lower lip were the consequences of a question that taxed her brain, but when faced with something that had the slightest hint of prurience it reacted with an alacrity that surprised the lowest-minded of her male colleagues.
Her voice, musical, belied the vapidity of what she generally had to say, or perhaps confirmed it, if you were the type of mean spirited person to make assumptions. No matter. One didn't listen to her for the content, but for the beauty and cadence and tone, as one can listen to a chanteuse singing in a foreign language and be utterly enchanted despite not having a clue what she was singing.

And so it came to pass that one day I was dawdling through reception. I had plenty of tasks that required my attention; despite my best efforts, I hadn't yet been able to shift all my duties into other, more hapless wage slaves, but I wanted to let my eyes drink in this vision of flawed loveliness as she tidied the newspapers on the tables. Her rump, round and rippling, strained against the taut fabric of her dress, outlining each buttock and the heavenly crevasse between. She knew I was watching. It was harmless ogling, enjoyed by both of us, encouraged by her as she shifted her hams, causing the material to run deliciously together.

The silence was rent asunder by the loudest, longest fart I'd ever heard. She finished - shook it out, or so it appeared to me - with a slight wobble, as though she was teasing the last of the ketchup from a glass bottle, before standing up straight, turning on her stiletto heel and winking at me. For my part, I ejaculated instantly and so rapidly that it made my testes ache. I had to run to the toilet and clean myself up as best I could. It remains to this day the most powerfully erotic experience of my life. She left soon after, following a complaint from a client which involved a pubic hair floating in his cup of tea. The lucky bastard. I've have paid good money for that.
(SalariosDecentes was under the radar on, Tue 20 Dec 2016, 21:15, 8 replies)

me, unfortunately
Spent an evening drinking caipirinhas in a bar and eventually got to wondering why, as our bit of the bar was so busy, we didn't go into the room next door that I could see through a porthole cunningly positioned in the wall.

When I suggested it, it was pointed out that this porthole was in fact a mirror.
( rofl harris, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 16:45, 3 replies)

my friend is quite academic but totally lacking in any form of common sense, as such people often are
we were about 15 and wanted desperately to sneak in to see an 18 rated film.

all the make-up in the world won't help you to look older when your dimwit friend asks the cashier for "2 halves please."
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 10:16, 1 reply)

Impossible
Overheard a girl talking to her mate on the bus after an unsuccessful job interview. Apparently in the interview they asked her

If there is a lily pad in a pond, and it doubles in size every minute and will completely cover the pond in one hour, how long will it take to cover half the pond?

they both thought about for a bit and decided it was "impossible"

I love the fact that the interviewer didn't tell her the answer just let her stew on it ;)
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 1 Dec 2016, 15:48, 15 replies)

Another one of those describing a word without saying the word game
Playing the game round my parents' place and my brother's wife was struggling to describe an alligator and then came up with the genius suggestion of describing it as 'opposite of crocodile'. Despite the exploding hilarity my brother got it and won the point. Hilarious and most definitely not a problem.

A couple of years later, playing a similar game with the inlaws and, as luck would have it I had to describe a crocodile. Eyeing a chance for some comedy and an anecdote I quickly described it as 'opposite of alligator'. There were a few tuts and a couple of laughs.

The point was won, but the bigger victory was yet to come. The father in law stood up and the C word was used. I was a cheat, apparently, and the whole party was witness to a now legendary tantrum and flounce as insults were hurled and the FIL stormed out.

We all watched as the pillock slammed the door behind him and the MIL just calmly suggested to everyone that her chances of winning had just improved immeasurably.
(mersault, Fri 25 Nov 2016, 12:54, Reply)

I live in a small-ish village on the outskirts of Edinburgh
Our High Street contains the usual types of businesses - a paper shop, a Scotmid (Co-Op to you southern lot), a bakery, couple of pubs, etc.

A vacant unit was taken over by a bookies. This was back before online betting really took off, so it seemed like the owners had cleverly identified a niche in the local market.

On it's opening weekend, Hearts were playing Hibs in a hotly-anticipated local football derby. However, all partisan feelings were put aside as supporters of both teams gladly placed bets on BOTH teams to take advantage of the bookies somewhat generous odds. Yes, that's right, you could put money on ALL outcomes and still come out ahead.

The bookies closed down the following week.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 25 Nov 2016, 10:56, Reply)

With the wife and her (drunk) friends playing 'Articulate'
For those not familiar with the popular family board game, you have 30 seconds to describe a word on the card to a team-mate.

Normally you would get through 3 or 4 cards per turn. After about 28 seconds, the drunk friend has managed to confirm that the category on the only card they have tried is 'animal' and the 2 syllables of the answer are 'sea' and 'horse'.

As the last dregs of the sand fall from the top of the timer, she leaps up and at the top of her voice shouts "HORSEY!"

Unfortunately it was incorrect.
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Thu 24 Nov 2016, 14:27, Reply)

Brother did a bit of IT helpdesk work years ago at company with lots of remote workers
One day a woman called in a state of distress.
"My screen just went off and it won't turn back on"
"OK, could you check that the power lead hasn't fallen out of your monitor?"
"Yes it's still plugged in"
"OK could you check at the other end of the monitor cable, where it plugs into the computer?"
"No I can't see. It's too dark"
"Could you perhaps get some light down there to see if the lead has come out?"
"No I haven't got any light. There's a power cut"
( propellerhed, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 21:23, 1 reply)

Took a delivery at work
Our address is 2 Suchandsuch Street.

Delivery genius hands me a parcel with "1 Suchandsuch Street" clearly printed on the label.

"This is for number one," says I.

"Yeah, but two includes one, doesn't it," opines delivery genius.

"No, sorry, you'll have to take this to number one," says I.

Delivery genius lets out a heavy sigh.

"Ok, fine, do you know where number one is?" he asks.

"Erm, it's that building on the opposite side of the road with the giant number one emblazoned on it," says I.

Delivery genius looks at me like I'm an idiot.

"No, I'm looking for number on on *this side*," he replies witheringly.

I shut the door.
(SimianKid internet faffer, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 12:33, Reply)

My ditzy pal Heather
Heather is a lovely girl, but just a little bit special. She's one of those people that has a 1st class honours degree in History, but absolutely zero common sense. How she gets through the day in one piece just baffles me sometimes.

One day Heather went to work. This involved driving a couple of miles up the road to the station, taking the train into Edinburgh, followed by a 10-15 minute walk at the other end. Being a librarian, she spends most of the day on her feet. At the end of the day, she headed home.

It was only whilst on the train HOME that she realised that she had odd boots on. Not only that, but one had a heel and the other didn't. It would appear that she spent the ENTIRE FUCKING DAY walking round with a limp and didn't even notice.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 22 Nov 2016, 13:53, 5 replies)

Gas and electricity do not mix, possible repost.
A friend who worked for the gas board told me this story.
Got called out after getting a report of an explosion at a house.
When he got there , the remains of the front door was in the garden, alongside the completely burnt out remains of a vacuum cleaner smouldering away.
Transpires, the lady of the house was hoovering the floor when a mouse ran out and was sucked up into the machine, she was worried iy was suffering inside all mangled up and decided to help put it out of its misery.
She got a canister of camping gas and emptied it into the hoover bag.
Waited a while to make sure it was probably gassed dead then switched the machine back on to continue vacuuming.
Marvellous
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Mon 26 Dec 2016, 17:52, 3 replies)

Google Earth
When Google Earth was newish, in the mid 00's, I was showing it to my wife.

I zoomed into our city, drilled down to our neighbourhood, found our house and zoomed right into the garden.

"Oh, that's amazing!" she said. "Go outside and wave"
(username failed moderation, Mon 5 Dec 2016, 12:45, 3 replies)

Can't use the lift, it says so
Moving house and (bored) watching two big blokes packing up my entire life into dozen of brown boxes to be taken to a lift, down two floors to a waiting van.

Noticed that one of the blokes is looking very sweaty and out of breath after half an hour or so while the other was breathing easy. Poked my head out of my front door as he walked out with a box only to see that he wasn't using the lift but the stairs. When I asked why, he couldn't speak but pointed at the sign by it:

'Do not use incase of fire'

Turned out he thought that the lift was only to be used if the building was burning down (and his 'friend' didn't correct him)
(sabre32, Wed 30 Nov 2016, 7:16, 4 replies)

An ex-flatmate went on a date with a guy she'd chatted to online for a while.
She texted a mate afterwards, to tell her she hadn't enjoyed the date, as the guy was really dull, had shit dress sense and a really annoying laugh.

She accidentally sent the text to the guy!

Realising her error a moment later, she texted her mate again, to tell her how embarrassed she was, because although the guy was pretty annoying, she'd wanted one more date, that would hopefully end in a quick shag, before telling him she wasn't interested in seeing him again.

...She sent that one to the guy, too!
(Porcupine, Mon 28 Nov 2016, 12:39, 1 reply)

Many years ago I used to get a lift to work from a young female travel agent.
When crossing the Runcorn/Widnes bridge on a particularly breezed Monday morning she pointed to the wind socks and asked me what they were for..."they are a method of being able to tell the time but it's all very technical".

Nothing much more was said about them.

Until on the way home she was telling me she had told all her work colleagues about the "time socks" (this is the name I came up for them) and that all of her work colleagues are going to be looking out for them now.

She stopped giving me a lift shortly after this time.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 26 Nov 2016, 22:32, 5 replies)

Mental Block at the Checkout
On Saturdays I will call in at the Bakers to buy cakes and whatnot and usually be served by the cute assistant. This day the bill was £1.50 and I had the right money - so three 50p's went into her hand.
"It's wrong" she said
"I've given you three 50 pence pieces" I said
"I know - but it's wrong"
"Mmm, that adds up to £1.50 you know"
"Yes I know that does but IT'S WRONG!!!"
That last call was heard throughout the shop, so sensing some kind of breakdown I took her hand and quietly said "Lets count it together then, 50p, £1 and one more makes £1.50"
"Err.. oh yes so it does".
"Thank you Heather".
(luckylife , 0 guests and 3 bots are online, Thu 24 Nov 2016, 20:42, 3 replies)

Tropical fish shop
I asked for six feet of air tubing, and was told they only sold it by the yard.
( Varmint, Tue 22 Nov 2016, 12:35, 8 replies)

A quote from my ex-wife
"When I'm in the back of a car I like to sit either in the middle or by a window"
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 2 Dec 2016, 18:12, 1 reply)

Metro Man
one of the headlines in monday's metro was about there being a suicide in jails every 3 days. a young couple got on the bus and the bloke picked up a copy and started to read it. his partner saw the headline and exclaimed "oh, that's just stupid! how can you have a suicide every 3 days? you can only commit suicide once!"
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 30 Nov 2016, 15:56, 7 replies)

gas
In Malta, cooking and heating it generally by Gas. You can pick up bottles at specific points and some entrepreneurial grocer shops. So, I need gas and visit a local shop that I know normally has a few bottles. The conversation.

Me ; Do you have any Gas bottles please?
Shop: No. Try tomorrow, eh.
Me: Are you having a delivery tomorrow?
Shop: No
Me: So will you have any in tomorrow?
Shop: No
Me: So why should I come tomorrow?
Shop: Just try eh...

Since this incident, I have spontaneous combusted due to 'idiot' frustration.
(ir0nic, Tue 29 Nov 2016, 17:18, 6 replies)

I currently work as a sort of one-man elearning department and so have to take support calls from the public
as such, I get confronted daily with ignorance and idiocy. I'll list a few here:
*Complain about some aspect of the website. Find out they're looking at a completely different site that has nothing to do with us.
*A charming belief that their login credentials for our site should work on all sites, such as our competitors.
*A charming belief that my support includes telling them how to set up their printer, negotiate problems with their ISP, hear about all their medical or workplace issues and family tragedies, diagnose why their computer is slow, and stay on the line while they complete a three hour module so I can somehow divine what is wrong from the faint sound of mouse clicks
*Have managed to enroll in an online module without understanding such concepts as browser, address, webpage, page, menu so that many of my instructions go something like: "look at the top left of your screen and you should see.... yes that's top-left, right up the top of the screen on the left-hand side, you should see a big grey rectangle with some words written in it in blue? Yes, you see that? One of those words says login. L-O-G-I-N. one word. that's right. now I want you to click on that word....Ah, I think you've right-clicked. I want you to click it with the button on the left side of your mouse...ok?...Now tell me what you can see..... Now you see where it says password?...Yes, well I want you to click inside the empty box and type in your password..."
And so on.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Wed 23 Nov 2016, 2:02, 3 replies)

Irish pub in Atlanta
Pint of Guinness please.
Is that a small pint or a large one?
(Tugnut I got them all..., Mon 21 Nov 2016, 12:03, 9 replies)