As I wait for everyone to get up and find out what has been emptied from Santa's sack
I have remembered a short article I wrote about my dark addiction, so this is a pearoast of sorts - I've not posted it here before and in the spirit of recycling.....

I realise this isn't a confessional site, but having been brought up Roman Catholic I just can't help unburdening myself whenever possible.

You see, I have a problem, an addiction some might call it. I've never been the addictive type, I mean all kids like sherbet dabs and then we graduate onto the occasional cider and before you know it you're being sick outside of Tescos after having one too many glasses of cheap wine.

But this isn't the problem I want to discuss here, no my present problem is far, far worse than that. I'm addicted to online kittens.



Ever since I got broadband I have discovered the wealth of free kitten pictures available online.

It all started quite innocently; someone suggested I change over to Firefox instead of Internet Explorer. Then I found you could use this thing called Stumble Upon, all you had to do was tell it what sort of things you were interested in, and that's where my problems started.

Let's be honest here, everyone who has a heart loves to look at cute little furry things; kittens are beautiful, playful and brighten your day.

So I clicked on the kittens box, thinking that maybe I'd just get the occasional image and no one would know, it can't hurt can it?


Well, sadly that's what I thought, but the first time I clicked Stumble I found some kitten pictures and I was fascinated at the variety of colours, sizes, long haired, short haired, different settingsand the different poses!

I kept clicking and looking at more and more kittens; kittens being cute, kittens being bad, in boxes, lying on tables, on beds, curled up asleep, on the prowl, any way I could get them, I just wanted to see more and more kittens.

I was sucked me in to the fluffeh world of hardcore kittens.

I started to go looking for pictures - something I'd never done before and certainly wouldn't admit to anyone. Before I knew it I was spending hours searching and viewing more and more kitten pics.

To my eternal shame I even got myself a Youtube account so I could look for videos too.


I soon knew where to go looking for fresh kittens; I had Rate my Kitten bookmarked. Then things just started to spiral out of control.


My need for fluffiness was taking over my life so much that I started to cruise local pet shops in the hope of seeing some real live kittens. I signed up to websites where I could meet other kitten lovers; some will even put their kittens on webcam.

My friends stopped inviting me over to their house because they knew I would only come if they had cats.


When my friends started to notice my fixation one of them sat me down and discussed my needs. They made me realise that I was loosing touch with the real world, that I probably couldn't keep a kitten myself, that my fixation wasn't based upon real life kittens, kittens who need feeding, who use a litter tray, who scratch the furniture and leave fur everywhere, they really laid it on the line for me - they even mentioned fleas. My expectations for kittens just weren't real and until I could accept that kittens are not just loveable bundles of fluff but real, living, breathing creatures, with needs then I simply won't be able to handle keeping a kitten of my own.



So I'm trying each day to cut down on the amount of kittens I look at online. It's not easy, but it was beginning to ruin my life; when you're in the pub it's far easier to admit to being addicted to alcohol or drugs even, but not teh fluffeh kittens.

One of the most effective ways to keep me away from them I've discovered is to look at online porn; there's no shame, everyone does it.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 25 Dec 2008, 7:59, 4 replies)

Caffeine
Not the hot beverage with a terrible smell that reminds you of history teachers' breath, nor the 'one-step-down-from-cocaine' energy drinks you find at the end of the supermarket drinks aisle.

For some reason, my caffeine addiction lies right in the middle - Coke & Pepsi, 'cola', 'soda pop' or indeed 'fizzy juice', if you happen to be a bell-end.

Juice is from fruit.

And anyone who uses the term 'fat coke' needs a lobotomy. Through their arse.

Anyway... there's something horribly embarassing about getting addicted to caffeine. You know it's your fault for drinking too much of it. You know when you should've stopped and you know that bloody headache is only going away if you get some caffeine in you or ride it out for about two days.

In particular, I remember hearing about someone who worked the night shift having to be weaned off of coffee. Then, I laughed at what I percieved to be absurd. When I realised I was drinking 2-litre bottles of a substance with higher doses of caffeine than coffee (honest, look it up. There was a graph and everything) I felt like a right tit.

So at some point I say "screw this, I'm going clean". Someone once told me that you need to stay off the bog-brown demon for a month or so to be free of its effects, and then must stay off it forever.

Then again, this same person once drugged me unconcious so she could sew up a hole in my jeans.

So, I relapsed. After a few years I've gotten into a system of moderation. (switching from bottles to cans helped) I'm starting to think I'm just addicted to the cola taste and the caffeine addiction happens regardless. I've left and gone back to it so many times that I don't think I'll bother giving up again. It's just the regular varieties too; diet and caffiene-free just don't taste nearly as good.

I'll put up with the slightly yellow teeth, the rubbish sleep cycles and the occasional headache-causing overdose. It doesn't even matter if its Coke or Pepsi, I migrate between the two with relative serenity. And I'll probably drink it until I die. Of dead teeth or massive coronary failure.

Because it tastes so damn nice.

I love you, cola-flavoured drink with vegetable extracts.
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 25 Dec 2008, 2:23, 5 replies)

My mum is addicted to 'knickers'
My mother appears to have a strange addiction of referring to the underwear of me and my elder brother as 'knickers'.

Whilst I'm fairly certain that knickers refers to undergarments worn by females, she's been referring to the boxer shorts of her two sons as 'knickers' now for 22 sodding years without any adequate reasoning.

Please click 'I like this!' to show your support and make her stop before she blurts it out in public and embarasses me so hard my brain parachutes out the back of my head.

Sorry for the mildly-misleading subject title, but surely you'll agree it's for a worthy cause
( Iki I think my camel is dead., Thu 25 Dec 2008, 2:09, 1 reply)

This evening
I watched a man who had drunk his bodyweight reverse his car at speed across a car park and into a wall.

He narrowly missed my (sober) brother's car and dragged his newly shortened Rover 200 off the wall and into the town centre. Had my brother been outside 30 seconds earlier he'd have wiped out him and his friend.

As we drove home, we spotted him planted into a set of traffic lights and having his hair held back by police.

Remember; if you must pursue lady alcohol, don't even think about getting behind the wheel. Sorry for lack of lulz, but what I've seen tonight has been a very sobering experience.
(Generator cannot be named for legal reasons, Thu 25 Dec 2008, 1:41, Reply)

My addiction
I was living in an apartment behind a large perfume advertisement, in New York. I was some sort of seemingly artsy hunk, with a nice beard, at the time.

I must have been the only person in the world who didn't know who she was. She jumped into a taxi I was in and demanded "drive" (the cheek!).

I asked her who she was.

"I'm a dancer," came the reply, "I love to dance!"

Then an old man came into the apartment.
"You must be there tomorrow!" He demanded of her.
"I don't care about tomorrow!" She exclaimed "I only care about today." (Because she as a total free spirit and shit.)

Then she fucked off to some premiere or something, presumably because by the time tomorrow came round, it was today, therefore she cared about it.

Sometimes I wonder, if she has forgotten. But I will not because bla bla bla Chanel no.5. That's right, romance is now so homogenized all we need is brief snapshots of a trite cliche-ridden love story to sell you shitty perfume that smells of piss and jizz.

And that's how I beat my addiction.
( Paedosmile service with a grin., Wed 24 Dec 2008, 23:22, 6 replies)

ooh....just a few
Heroin
Benzos
Ketamine
Amphetamine
Cocaine
Cannabis
Alcohol
MDMA
Acid
Magic Mushrooms
Sex
Spending money

13 years of using daily.

How low have I sunk?

Financially bankrupt.
Crim record for dealing, crim damage and violence. Crown and Magistrates Court,
Getting parental home raided,
Sucked cock for drugs,
Slept with skanky men for a bed for the night and drugs,
Lost numerous jobs,
Lost numerous friends,
Severly pissed off family,
Stomach ulcer,
Burst vessels in my nose,
Scars from self harm and smashing various objects over other peoples heads,
Chunks of teeth missing,
Heart strain,
Eating disorder,
10 years (and counting) prescription of anti-depressents...
...am sure there is more...may need a later post...memories abit fucked these days...

I am an addict. I will always be an addict. Being an addict isn't just a reliance on substances its a spiritual deficiency that relies on outside things to make you feel good when there really is a massive void inside that needs to be worked on. Putting substances down doesn't make it go away. It manifests itself other stuff and behaviours can define it.

I know all this because.......4 years of therapy, 6 months and one week of intensive rehab. Continuing ongoing daily recovery work...its something that is always there.

No booze for me this christmas.

Im coming up 18 months abstinent.
Im coming up to 30 years old.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Wed 24 Dec 2008, 20:31, 7 replies)

The Tea Aisle

Whenever i'm in a soupermarket, i must always lurk in the Tea Aisle for at least 20 minutes before continuing with the normal shopping.

It's not like i'm some creepy lurker who hides himself within the boxes of PG Tips and then jumps out at old ladies, i just REALLY love the smell of the Aisle.
(LiL_Arsewipe licked your face on, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 20:29, 1 reply)

Java
I have always loved a good cup of coffee and bought myself a good italian stove top pot from bialetti that cost quite a few quid.

The best brew that I have found for ages however is the Java single source coffee from Aldi, the only one with a flavour rating of 5 on a scale of one to 5 and its cheap as chips.

Its like crack. it even gives me the shakes if I drink too many cups (well mugs really).
Merry Christmas B3tans I'm off for some Java.
( notsosecretagentman, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 18:05, 3 replies)

'Twas the night before Christmas
and most everyone
was sleeping, not trying
to think of a pun.

Their minds were at peace
and their souls unconflicted.
They needed no wordplay
on being addicted.

Their stockings well-hung
(in the G-rated sense)
while lonely apeloverage
was tired and tense

and...no, actually fuck it.
I'm not spending all night.
Merry Christmas to all
though this poem is shite.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 14:46, 6 replies)

Play it in your sleep
I used to be utterly, hopelessly, beyond remedial action addicted to Dungeon Master.

Not the D&D book based nonsense, no no - the classic from FTL Software, which spawned a fair few imitators.

It got to the stage where I was seeing walls and corridors in my sleep, and solving puzzles during a kip (applying what I'd dreamt of the following day).

Even to this day, I still have an install of it stashed away for PC, Amiga, ST and even iPaq. It's fair to say that game hoovered up a substantial portion of my late teens.

I can quit any time I want.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 14:16, 5 replies)

Nose picking
I love picking my nose. It tastes great.

I can't understand why people think it's gross.

Maybe its just my snot that tastes good.
Anyone fancy a bite?
(John Elton, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 14:03, 1 reply)

This reminds me of the Boer War.

( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 12:40, 2 replies)

Breathing
I'm addicted to breathing, I can't go more than 2 minutes without it
(Kebabo Calling all cars, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 12:35, Reply)

I'm addicted to Silence.....










...
(Vic Flange, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 12:31, 2 replies)

kitteh!!
im going to regret this....

I AM ADDICTED TO MY CAT.
You know how they say most people think about sex every few seconds of the day? well replace sex with cat and youve got yourself in my world.

I look forward to coming home just to get made a big deal of by her...Ive cancelled holidays, gone hungry so she can eat, spent hundereds at the vets making sure she is 100%, and I love to bury my face in her fur and sniff her. Cos she smells so nice. Ive never raised a finger to her, rarely shout at her... shes gets whatever she wants (within reason), oh and if she doesnt approve of a potential new lover he gets the sack. She is one of the healthiest, happiest, friendliest cats youll ever meet.

She is my addiction. I am a cat addict.
(Serbitar Has a furry shit canon called Whitey., Wed 24 Dec 2008, 12:29, 12 replies)

Sad but true
I’m not addicted to alcohol, it does nothing for me and drugs they are just pointless as they seem to have no affect on me no matter what the dosage.

With all that said I will admit that I do have one addiction though, and that is I am addicted to power. Not electricity power but the ability to command people to do your every whim. This may sound like a stupid thing to be addicted to but the buzz I get from telling one of my lackeys to go do some mundane task while I spend the afternoon planning up more ways to increase my following.

I hear people complaining about how they lost relatives etc due to drink and drugs but my addiction became so bad that I actually changed most of my body (The look of it that is) just to become stronger.

To make this long post a bit shorter it came about when I made a deal with this dodgy sounding bloke to help me get my fix. He then changed my tough looking persona into a horrid purple crowned appearance and also my transformation became a cannon shaped like a novelty dildo.

The plan with the bloke didn’t work and now I’m stuck looking a prick and trying to take over the universe.

Love


Megatron / Galvatron
(mon bison powered by magnets, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 12:02, 3 replies)

Surgical Enhancement
It all started with a nip and tuck to remove some unsightly wrinkles.

In the last 12 years I have the following procedures on my person.

1. A tricep enhancement
2. Enhancement to my pectoral muscles.
3. Lip implants
4. A hair weave in my chest, back and stomach, to enable me to look more swarthy.
5. A buttock lift to firm and seperate.
6. A foreskin extension
7. A false testicle which allows me to perform moneyshots of epic proportions.
8. Skin grafts on my glans to give it a more polished sheen.
9. My bunghole bleached.
10. Replacement nipples, (much more pert and semi-erect.)

I'd say it is money well spent, I'm now looking at having a music box grafted into the base of my penis so it plays music whilst it becomes erect. Should be a winner with the ladies, that one.
(Vic Flange, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 11:54, 1 reply)

MarioKart doubledash
A while back I lived with a mate of mine who had a gamecube with MarioKart doubledash, we lived together for about a year and a half and played that game every single day.

By the end, we were unbeatable masters who had come up with theories about 'The Mario God', and how we could curry his favour.

And to concur with the gentleman below who mentioned playing Tetris in his sleep, when I closed my eyes at night I was racing around various tracks, dropping banana skins etc..

That is the greatest game ever made, IMO :D
( Finite "Aardvark sorted out my shit!" on, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 11:23, 1 reply)

mint spies
Canteen vending machine now accepts any coin, or coin-shaped object - potential for free festive baked goods overdose. Yay!
(bastardboy loves his mummeh, but hoo is daddeh?, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 11:21, Reply)

Addicted?
You bet!

Shrimps and Bananas!

3 packets for a quid and I’m as happy as an easily pleased sand-boy.

You can keep your cola bottles, nice thought they are – your strawberry laces and your flying saucers. The drumstick comes nowhere and as for Haribo…. Don’t get me started. Fangtastic? I think not.

I think we all know the future is shrimp and banana shaped. And boy, what a combination. Who would have thought that 2 so very different food stuffs would go well together?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 10:56, 9 replies)

Tetris
Probably been mentioned I'm sure.

When I go back to my parent's house in Kent I sometimes dig out my old Gameboy for nostalgia purposes and promptly waste a good chunk of my life playing tetris.

I then go to bed at night only to see blocks falling in front of my eyes as I try to re-arrange them and make them fit together. I wait patiently for the line shape to appear; only to realise that I'm in charge of the whole dream hallucination thing and could cheat.

I need to get out more.

I'm at work today and want to go home. Merry Christmas everyone.
(Eldoofus, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 10:45, 2 replies)

Fieldrunners on iPhone
I got this little game called Fieldrunners for my iPhone last week, and can't put it down. It's a nifty little tower defense game with great graphics and strategic challenge.

I've even found myself looking forward to going to work so I can play it on my commute. Highly recommended, but perhaps less so if you have an addictive personality when it comes to games.
(cheez is feeling ergophobic, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 10:09, 1 reply)

I used to think it was porn...
For some time, I have thought that I have a porn addiction. Any opportunity I had, I'd nip on t'internet and look at some barenaked ladies. Nothing too kinky, just girlies of legal age in the nip.

Thing is, I'm married and get regular (like at least once a day) nookie, so I wasn't cracking one off while surfing left handed websites, I was just perusing them.

What I have now discovered, is it's not the porn that I was addicted to, it turns out it's just getting aroused / feeling horny.

The way I have discovered this is that what were flirty emails between me and the young, busty lass in work have recently become more towards the "obscene" end of the spectrum. As a result of this, I spend a large part of the day hiding a semi- to two thirds- on under my desk. Since this has been going on, I have logged onto certain art sites, only to discover I'm just not interested.

So, for those of you addicted to pron, try getting a bit on the side! Instant cure!
(ScousersPet, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 9:23, 6 replies)

I'm also addicted-icted
To talking-alking in echo-echos.
I've been-een to see a therapist-erapist, but we had only got to me telling her-er my name-ame and address-ess, before the hour was up-up-up....

I was particularly bad that day-ay and I recall-all-all.
(Vic Flange, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 9:10, 4 replies)

Anal Sex.
A girl I once dated was a slave to the anal g-spot. On our first foray into making the beast with 2 backs, I was slightly bemused, and more than a little aroused when she insisted I penetrate her rectally.
This was fine when she had douched prior to the act being performed, but when she became randy at work and insisted we engage in velocitous and frenzied fornication on our arrival home from work, I often pulled out with more than I went in with.. ergo, a couple of large and unsightly winnits adhering to my manhood.
Sadly my wish to use her mauve envelope instead fell on deaf ears, and eventually led to the downfall of our relationship when, after a series of shuddering orgasms, each more climactic than the last, I withdrew my spent phallus, and was rewarded with a payload of arse-gravy of biblical proportions.

It took me weeks to get the smell out of the mattress and eventually I was forced to dump it in the doorway of a nearby charity shop.

We parted shortly after. The last time I saw her she was being prescribed anusol in bulk quantities and required 3 pile cushions for her distended anus whenever she sat down.
(Vic Flange, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 9:03, 9 replies)

I'm addicted to hardware stores.
If I don't go to one for a few days I start to get with-doorbell symptoms.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 7:45, Reply)

I can't work out what to do.
I'm addicted to cold turkeys.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 7:40, 3 replies)

addiction
Forget alcohol, forget drugs, forget sex, forget food, the best addiction in life is moving your body. It is a huge universe of space and muscles which is totally wasted on most people who just walk around in it and otherwise abuse it without realising it's an endless, limitless paradise. Running, swimming, bally-sports with basic motor skills ok,I suppose, but the pinnacle is dance. Until you do this, or maybe some forms of martial art you have no idea what you grew up in and what you are walking around in. Dont waste it .
(cherrypie, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 6:46, 7 replies)

masturbation
sometimes there just isn't enough time to cuddle afterwards.

but a serious addiction.... i have tried to stop. after about 4 days being clean, i generally have a wet dream.

even my own body wants the fruit to be spilled.
(amauriosis fugax took more than one snow day off, Wed 24 Dec 2008, 0:51, 1 reply)

One of my mates likes a drink
And when I say drink, I mean a lot of drink. One night he vomited all over the kitchen floor of his parents place. His mother yelled, "You're such a dick, Ted".
( glasnt is playing herself off., Wed 24 Dec 2008, 0:42, 1 reply)