Back when I was about 14, I once built a hand-cranked
wanking machine out of Technics Lego.

It was a failure on several counts. The idea that "It's not me, therefore it must feel like someone else doing it" was immediately shattered because it didn't feel like someone else at all. Unless I was being given a terrible handjob off someone with a handful of Lego.
Also, because of the structure, I couldn't just use it like a Fleshlight, it had to comprise of three components which were assembled in situ. This meant that hairs kept getting trapped. I had to give up before I'd plucked my bollocks bare.
Finally, the laws of thermodynamics got in the way. Because it was manually operated, and notwithstanding any battery box and switches, I was putting more effort in than if I hadn't bothered.

I gave up, put my pants back on and adapted my creation into something that transported my cup of tea across my bedside cabinet.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 10:04, 14 replies)

You should have sold the design to George Alagiah.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 10:28, closed)

You're an animal
for doing that to innocent legos.
I hope you got all pubes in your tea, with the follicles still attached.
(Gritty, yet fluffy. kipperpillock is obsessed with me =), Mon 21 Nov 2011, 10:56, closed)

Surely the design should have included a marigold glove full of warm custard or something?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Mon 21 Nov 2011, 11:07, closed)

Mum, can you spare one of your marigold gloves?
And is there any of that custard left from tea yesterday?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 11:39, closed)

My favourite ever Viz Top Tip:
Fill a Marigold with Plaster of Paris, wrap the fingers round a broom handle and let it set. Voila: your very own jostle spanner!

:D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 13:23, closed)

jostle spanner! lol

( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 14:09, closed)

Exactly :D
That was the bit that cracked me up too :)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 16:19, closed)

Well
At least you didn't waste your time.
(rampants, Mon 21 Nov 2011, 12:31, closed)

Lucky you're not older.
Meccano could have crippled you.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Mon 21 Nov 2011, 15:19, closed)

Here, this might help.

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Mon 21 Nov 2011, 23:41, closed)

Want bitty.

(Vigilante Man weeps because you're stupid., Tue 22 Nov 2011, 0:29, closed)

It looks like
an arse
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 0:46, closed)

oh my.
...came here to say I'm glad I'm a woman.

Saw this and now feel somehow inadequate.

You were tossing coins or jewels or something to make her bend over, weren't you!
( kila is reading clocks upside-down as usual, Tue 22 Nov 2011, 2:57, closed)

Been there, done that
My best friend and I made one out of Mechano and a bit of foam rubber and an electric motor. I drew the short straw to be the first to use it. It didn't work very well.

Perhaps I'll give it another go, 24 years on.
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Wed 23 Nov 2011, 21:35, closed)