For me battling the baby batter belching beef bazooka is a bit like committing the perfect murder.
Opportunity – check.

Consider the chance of being caught – check.

Disposal of the, errrr, evidence after you’ve choked the life out of the struggling, spluttering fucker – check.

Quick. Easy. Leaving no pesky DNA evidence for the Mrs to stain her jeans on when she settles down to watch Eastenders after getting home from work later. Perfect. Like a professional wank ninja-assassin. Only instead of a high powered rifle and a fuck off sword you’re armed with a roll of Kleenex, a dollop of Vaseline, and the genius and speedy application of the word ‘cuntflaps’ into google with the safe search switched to ‘fuck off – I was looking at the sort of porn that’d make your eyes bleed before I had hair on my ball bag, show me everything you’ve got, Mr. Internet Whoredog’.

So it came as a bit of a kick in the bollocks recently to find that I had to go somewhere and wank, by appointment only. My ninja-assassin skills stripped away. You see, since the end of last year the Mrs. and I have been doing this IVF twattery, which basically involved going to the hospital down in Euston and giving them various bodily fluids,* then waiting for the next appointment to give them more of the same.

And this is where the... little... problem... occurred.

After my last visit to have a wank (at 12:30pm last Monday), I now have to go and have some counselling. The Mrs. is absolutely over-fucking-joyed about it.

It went like this:-

12:15 pm – Get to the spunk collection department. Hand in my form to someone with a nice arse and a particularly fine pair of knockers. First problem; this is a fucking woman! I reason. I feel my cock get smaller. Fuck knows why, but I’d rather have a bloke sort my cum out than a woman. Just feels wrong giving a girl a cup of bollock broth without at least getting her phone number first.

12:20 pm – Loads of fit nurses (ladies, not men – I don’t turn gay when I go to the hospital despite what I said earlier) walk in. I smile, they smile back and walk by. The wank ninja-assassin is feeling exposed. I was here to wank and every fucker knew it. No wonder none of the nurses wanted an M & M when I offered them round.

12:25 pm – I get called up by the nurse with the arse and tits (Yep, definitely a fucking woman there), to go and strangle out a brigade of my finest bullock broth. I’m led to the room. Give a beaker with a screw top, and fuck me if the beaker isn’t ABSOLUTELY FUCKING MASSIVE. AM I SUPPOSED TO FILL THAT FUCKER? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I AM? A FUCKING HORSE?!?

12:26 pm – The door closes. No lock. Shit, this gets better. I can hear the congregation of fit nurses giggling outside and know, JUST KNOW, they’re talking about me... and my shrivelled up cock.**

12:27 pm – Unzip my fly and start stroking my helmet – the poor fella’s got serious stage fright and my nads seem to have fucking well disappeared. This is not good.

12:28 pm – Nope. This is not good. Houston we have a problem. Not even as much as a lazy lob on. And the giggling outside continues. And my love spuds, sore from five days of enforced abstinence (the bastards) feel like they’re being whacked by a pair of irate invisible midgets every time I try – Dr Frankenstein style – to batter some life into my petrified pork pelvis poker.

12:29 pm – FUCKING NICE ONE!!! I remember the HUGE BOX OF HARDCORE PORN in the corner. I amble over, trousers round ankles, and negate the padded chair (probably containing more traces of cum than your average seat in your average Soho wine bar one hour after opening on any average Tuesday night). I pull out a particularly nasty BBW interracial wank mag (a phase, I’m sure), and stroke my cock. Once, twice, thr-

12:30 pm - -ice... SCRATCH THAT HOUSTON; WE HAVE AN ERECTON, SORT OF... ERRR. WELL, NO... BUT WE HAVE SOME PRECUM, ERRR, ACTUALLY NO – WE HAVE. FUCKINELL, WE HAVE SEMEN! HOUSTON, I REPEAT, WE HAVE SEMEN!!!

12:31 pm – Then I realise I didn’t do it in the beaker. In fact, I’m looking at the beaker now, the silver lid still screwed firmly in place. Empty. The last splodge of gonad glue dripping out my japs eye and onto the floor like fish-flavored wall paper paste.

12:32 pm – Fuck.

12:33 pm – Still very much fuck...

12:43 pm – Eventually I’ve managed to pull myself together. Trousers up. Hands washed. Shoes, wiped. I even had to clean my spunk off the floor having stupidly left the dog at home (the dog dog, not the Mrs., before you ask). I no longer have the post-cotial hue of a beetroot that’s been under a sun bed while pissed. I've wiped the sweat off my brow and off my arse crack. Infact, I’ve got a plan. I take the empty beaker back to the sexy nurse and explain I just couldn’t, errr, perform. She asks if I need more time, I explain: “No, nothing’s happening with me today.” And I bugger off, knowing I’ve gotta wait at least another five days before I can come back here and release the hounds.

I get home. Explain to the Mrs. I failed in my attempt to fertilize a plastic container etc etc... and to cut a long conversation short, we’re going for a bit of counselling next week where we have to talk about the emotional problems associated with IVF etc etc
etc....

...when, I suppose, all I really need is a quick five minute tutorial on how to successfully unscrew a fucking jar, stick my cock inside and do what I’ve been doing for the past ooooh, twenty-four years or so, namely get down to the serious business of some seriously sexy self love...

Wanking disaster??? I think this qualifies...

I just hope to fucking Christ it’s not a group session.***


*All I have to give them now is a steaming turd and they’ll have the full set of everything my body puts out.

** OK, maybe not – but having a tommy tank should be a private affair. And if there should be a group of nurses present, they should at least have the common decency to be paralytic, naked, and preferably wet in the axe wound and oiled.

*** The counselling, not the subsequent wanking, I mean.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 3:38, 22 replies)

"Opens Arms"
Welcome back and such an apt question to return to :)
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Tue 22 Feb 2011, 3:55, closed)

Cheers bud
Been a while. work, or lack of I should say what with that cunt cameron in charge. got that sorted now n in a new job so wont be here as often, but a little more than i have been recently... Which was never... Fuck it, its late/early.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 4:11, closed)

Heh...
I like the way you snuck online to post at 3.38...
*sniggers*
( snee held his breath since, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 8:25, closed)

Woo it's Spanky
Alrite mate, qotw just hasn't been the same without you
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 8:35, closed)

Flawless
*clicks*
( Trollman, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 8:41, closed)

Welcome back Spanky
I hoped this question would er..flush you out.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Tue 22 Feb 2011, 8:49, closed)

My
Sister in law had IVF and now she has two healthy baby boys (chances are you will have twins or triplets)

We went out for lunch with them yesterday, what a handful!! One little fella boked all over the table and it was hard work to say the least. All made better at the end of lunch buy one of the little fellas saying,

"Goodbye Unck", with a big cheesy grin on his face.

Kind of summed up everything people have told me about fatherhood. Hellish but with sparkles of gold that make it all worth it.


Good post btw.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 9:23, closed)

Welcome back and good luck with the IVS
Good to hear from you again.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 10:36, closed)

QOTW has missed you!
And a brilliant question to come back on. Good luck with the IVF mate, we all know you both deserve it.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 12:15, closed)

Whoop!
Welcome back mate.
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 13:59, closed)

Good story to come back with!
And good luck too:-)
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 15:30, closed)

Do my eyes deceive me!
Welcome back me old mucker. The place wasn't the same without you!
( Evil Bastardo, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 16:19, closed)

Woohoo, welcome back
and good luck!
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 16:42, closed)

Wanker.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 16:54, closed)

Pffft

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 17:08, closed)

We need a few more daft tales around here
Good to see you posting again.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 17:12, closed)

nicely done!
Gosh you've been missed matey..
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 20:02, closed)

You don't mean me, do you?
Nah....
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Thu 24 Feb 2011, 14:42, closed)

Tosser

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 17:16, closed)

Double Pfft

(Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 17:19, closed)

YES YES YES YES!!!
Welcome back mate, and dont you dare leave us again!
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Tue 22 Feb 2011, 21:11, closed)

This beats my story
*sigh*
( Sonic the Hedgetrimmer doesn't care what you think, Wed 23 Feb 2011, 9:47, closed)

Welcome back!...

And continued good luck on your quest to get the present MsHanky up the proverbial duff.

Fate can indeed be cruel, but when a world champion dispenser of gentleman's relish such as yourself is in charge of production, then surely it's just a matter of time before the spanklet you crave is on it's merry way :)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 23 Feb 2011, 20:24, closed)