law firms
seem to attract the ignorant and the arrogant. but the partner who headed up the insolvency team when i was a trainee was something else.

he would be at his desk, rain or shine, by 6.30am every single morning. sometimes at the weekend. and he made sure that we all knew he had exercised 3 horses or run 3 miles before leaving for work. at about 7.30am he would go for a stroll around the office. then the phone would be picked up.

"morning," he'd boom to the answerphone of whichever department head he had picked on that morning. "magnus here. just been up to your floor and it's like the marie celeste. where are you all?" thus ensuring that the hapless assistants got bollocked first thing.

did i see him going around after 5.30pm, or at 2.30am, telling people to go home? did i fuck.

magnus was (well, still is, unfortunately) one of those people who lives to make other people unhappy. with a shit eating grin on his face. he would say very rude things or fire career destroying missiles with a sweet smirk. a smiling assassin, i think the term is. my first experience of him coincided with the last experience of his 14th secretary of the year.

marnie was a really lovely girl and the best legal secretary i've seen before or since. i found her sobbing in a meeting room, two copies of a consent order in front of her. i asked what the matter was, and she sobbed, "it's magnus. he's sent these back four times and i... just... can't... see what's... wrong!"

i have a very anal eye (so to speak) for spelling and grammar, so i said i would read through it. there were no mistakes that i could see. one was to be sent to the landlord and one to the sub-tenant, and both covering letters were fine too.

eventually, the red-eyed marnie and i went to find magnus together. we explained that we just could not see the problem. magnus rolled his eyes in disgust.

"well," he sneered, "if you can't see that one of them is stapled this way (horizontally) and one this way (vertically) then you need your eyes testing."

FOR FUCK'S FUCKING SAKE. even if that weren't the most sadistically anal thing in the entire world, they are GOING TO DIFFERENT PEOPLE YOU EVIL NASTY PULSATING BOIL INFESTED SPACKING CUNT is what i felt like yelling.

"sorry magnus," is what i murmured.

marnie walked out the next morning, and the "staplegate" story made it around the firm in record time. it didn't do him any favours. what a cock!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 0:41, 7 replies)

Oh. My. Gawd.
What an utterly pedantic ringpiece, I hope he boils in the lowest pits of hell.
*click*
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 0:50, closed)

rectums and bumholes
D:
That's pretty much as anal as you can get. *click*
(TheChicken Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 3:22, closed)

What a bell end
People like that are best regarded as unsuccessful abortions.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 25 Jan 2008, 11:40, closed)

arsehole
I think you need to get the bedshitter to do a number in his chair.
(Lurkaloid awarded wanking black belt on, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 13:29, closed)

What a bellend.
Clicked.
( Fathter Puddytat Kill Kill dat widdle boid is mine on, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 17:15, closed)

*click*
But, fair play to him, staples make the document.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Fri 25 Jan 2008, 20:04, closed)

You should have stapled his face, left cheek horizontally, right cheek vertically.

Then you could realise your error, remove both and start again....whoops! Wrong second time round too? What a shame...
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 30 Jan 2008, 11:34, closed)