Oh yeah, and in my last job
My mate Sonny was always calling me a fat bastard, until one day I said:

"Do you know why I`m so fat?"
"No, why?"
"Every time I fucked your mother she gave me a biscuit"

I still like that one.
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:49, Reply)

I liked this, about a potential sign image
i couldnt think of a caption, hummus exceptionally low.

Any ideas??

me: yes
delete it, so it doesn't bandwagon
( Wildheart Baby. Drunken Mess In A Good Way, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:47, Reply)

Oh yeah...
and when I was on placement, we had gone out for our Christmas lunch (yet another snotty boss). I got a bit drunk and he was hinting that maybe I should go back to the office.

His line was: "You know the door`s over there", and pointed.
To which I replied: "Why? are you going somewhere, Brendan?"

He was very kind and made me stand over the photocopier the rest of the afternoon, drunkenly photocopying.

Cunt.
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:47, Reply)

when i was at reading
festival a few years ago i was sitting round a campfire with my mates and some complete twunt who i immediately hated and just so happened to be camping near us. he was telling us about how he was doing a pharmaceutical degree and how he was going to be much richer than us when he left uni.
him: "when i leave i'm going to be earning £60,000 a year."
me: "doing what? working at the dispensary in boots?"
( krang, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:46, Reply)

my brother called me ugly.
i said, "yeah, but i'm stupid too!".
(martian, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:46, Reply)

One of my favorites...
"Look mate, if I wanted to hear from an arsehole I'd have farted, ok?"
( Fenris temporary Lazarus, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:45, Reply)

some kid just asked me what my password is
i told him my user is "I'm not" and my pwd was "fuckingtellingyou"
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:45, Reply)

We had a big status meeting on bug fixing a few months back
and the snotty man* hosting the meeting was really trying to show everybody up to be thick.

He shouted across to me:
"And this bug has been on the system for the past three months! Why has has this not been fixed?"

To which I replied:
"With all due respect, I haven`t been with the company three months". I had just joined.



* he looked like a fat, adult version of Fred Savage out of The Wonder Years
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:44, Reply)

Halfway up Mount Snowdon
Absolutely baking hot, sweating buckets, looking like a mad old tramp after two weeks' hiking without a whiff of a bath:

Me: "God, I can't wait to try out the pub at the summit. I'm dying here."

Smartarse, happily descending said mountain: "I'd get a move on if I were you, it closes in ten minutes."

Me, twitching provocatively: "If it is, I'll come after you, beat you to death with rocks and drink your still warm blood as it pumps from your dying body."

That shut him up.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:42, Reply)

Guaranteed to win you a smack
No matter what anyone says to you, you can always shut them up by saying 'Your Mother' in your most contemptuous voice.

Childish? Yes. Effective? Deffo.
For variety try 'Your Nan' as well. Also a winner
(Kong, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:41, Reply)

Two I can think of, one at my expense
1. I was writing out a HUGE check to pay for a couch at a furniture store. Now I am a big, ok really big girl and I favour the looser type dress. As I sign my name, the clerk smiles and says, "When are you due?"

I smile back and said, "I'm not pregnant, I'm just FAT!"

She became very interested in the floor.


2. In college, I was cooking for my house one day (a co-operative housing 50 people) so I was very busy. A new guy wandered over and chatted a bit. He stepped up to the shelves, about 6 inches away from the paper napkins (serviettes) right at eye-level. He said, "Where are the napkins?"
I snap, "Right in front of your face, dweeb! What are you, blind?"

He turns and NOW I can see the telltale eye shiver of the legally blind... With haughty dignity he draws himself up and replies, "Yes. Yes, I am."

Fucksocks.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:38, Reply)

Hello new person. Please read our FAQ. Cheers.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:38, Reply)

Hats
At Uni, we had a formal night that landed on the same night as my 21st. The Powers that be decided this was a Hat Formal - people had to go in amusing headwear. I got twatted on a bottle of Pernod, and had told to be told this story myself.

There was a guy at Uni I hated after he told my future missus that she should be seeing someone better than me. We had a real simmering hatred. Anyway, as I went into the meal, wearing a crappy old Leeds Utd bobble hat I had since the age of 7, he walked past and sneered "What are you wearing?". My brilliant, witty reply, apparently delivered in my near comatose state in Oscar Wilde/Stephen Fry fashion as if it was the most stunning retort imagined:

A FUCKING HAT, YOU FAT CUNT

That became my catchphrase until I graduated.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:36, Reply)

A particularly nasty customer
at a bar I work at sometimes didn't quite understand the idea of me serving the people at the bar in the order they arrive. Making some kind of sarcastic comment along the lines of he's a local, I should serve him etc etc I turned round and delivered the comeback:

"Mark, I have less time for you than I do for syphilis."

That shut the wanker up.
(jacko_here just here has some ducks, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Well once in
a heated debate i used the phrase
" nature ruined a good arsehole when she put teeth in your mouth"
he didn't say much to that AND I didn't get belted
( dhobi Mur Inhexha!!, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:35, Reply)

the best comeback when i'm
having an argument with my flatmate is, "yes, but i'm much stronger than you".

probably guaranteed to intimidate any man.
( krang, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:34, Reply)

Eat my goal!

( StickFigureNinja is worried he may be on the list, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:34, Reply)

From an episode of V, apparently
"I may have been born at night, but I wasn't born last night"
( butchbint, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:34, Reply)

One from me and one from my mate.
My mate was walking back home from a night on the piss once, and a girl from down the street (who happened to be Asian, and liked taking the piss out of people) shouted "You're just a fucking twat" at him.

To which he replied: "Yes, I am. But at least I'm not a gangrene-ridden black bitch!" - incredulously racist, so he'll be going straight to hell. Personally I thought it brilliant that he could get that sentence out in his inebriated state without buggering it up.

The other night, I was walking back home from KFC, with bag-o-goodies in hand. Walking past a set of traffic lights on red, a car full of girl racers pulls up alongside and shouts out "Oi! Geek! Got your meal then, have you?".

So I just turned around, and did my best spasmodeacon impression and said "Miss. Obvious 2004!". They drove off in a huff, and through a red light no less.
( GazChap, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:33, Reply)

I usually go for something offensive
There's been so many that I've used that have shut people up (telling an ex "I'd tell you to shove it up your arse but you already did that" was a goodun) but I think the winner was

"You're only upset because I've seen your mother naked"

which lead to someone being lost for words whilst foaming at the mouth!
(spudmonkey Now MrPineapple can sex me from behind. Don't ask!, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:33, Reply)

you fool
Reply: Fuck your animal soul - you should have been strangled at birth.

the women love it.*

*this is an asterisk
( WhoElse I'm what Willis was talking about, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:32, Reply)

Not one that I have given but heard
On a night out in Windsor you see a lot of underage Eton toffs larging it about in the pubs. One of them, after being a complete nobber all night after getting pissed on half a cider was coming past our table when he put an outlandish blue and white scarf around him.

"What the fuck is that?" one of our group said.

He just turn around and said very matter-of-factly "It's my school choir scarf."

There was nothing any of us could say.
(Greasy Chip Butty, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:30, Reply)

One day I was sitting at a traffic light...
This light is at the end of an exit not only for one of my Uni's parking lots, but for the large, regional post office as well. At this light there is a large, quite obvious sign that says "No Turn on Red." So I wait and wait for the light to turn green, when this fat bitch comes up behind me, yammering away on a cell phone. She hits her horn. I look in my mirror and she's making a "WTF?!" Gesture.

"What the hell?" I think to myself as she hits the horn a few more times. Then, in a gesture of rage, she leans out the window and says "YOU CAN TURN DUMBASS!" To which I cooly raise my hand, point to the sign and yell back "AND YOU SHOULD LEARN TO READ, CUNT!"

That shut her up.
(Nickface, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:28, Reply)

Also,
An old graphic designer mate asked if I had an aspirin

Me: "Why, have you got a headache?"

Him: "No, I'm hungry.
( isthisyou?, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:27, Reply)

One of these will fit almost any criticism, attack or slagging you may get..
For a plain dissing:
- Yeah, but I'm prettier than you.

If someone says something Totally bone:
- Are you missing a chromasome or something?

Someone taking the piss:
- You're about as funny as a rectal prolapse.

Only one of those has ever got me asked to leave a room...

Edit: Overheard bloke on train home last night, talking into mobile, saying "No, I'm on a camel crossing the bleeding sahara..." :)
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:27, Reply)

"You're annoying and we hate you"
"Your all gay"

or of course the playground classic:
"I know you are, but what am I?"
( anythingbutthisactually, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:27, Reply)

was out with a woman friend once when this happened
Random bloke: "Ere, love, sit on me face"

Her: "Why, is your nose bigger than your penis?"
( isthisyou?, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:26, Reply)

I always like a nice simple...
..."Cock of".
( Manofmilk walks without rhythm but still attracts the worm, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:25, Reply)

.
Accusation : 'You're a cunt'
Comeback : 'You are what you eat. Prick'

(thought of about 10 minutes after the accusation)
( Nath, Thu 29 Apr 2004, 14:24, Reply)