Stuck in a lift one night,
me and one other guy (a geek from IT) - so late we had to wait for the lift people to arrive. I turned to him after about 25 minutes and said - "You know, I'm beginning to resent the amount of oxygen you are using". His response was to hit the panic button - a lot....it was a joke goddamnit !
(The real vlad the impala, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:48, Reply)

Me and My Mate Russ Were Discussing His New Haircut. . .
Me "You look a blond Gareth Gates"
Russ "Really? Well I've fucked your mum"
Me "My mum's dead"
Russ "I know, I'm the cancer that ripped through her body"

Stunning, and all the more effective as he didn't know my mum is still really alive
(le renard, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:44, Reply)

Whenever somebody tries to tell you that....
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, you can retort: "And pop psychology is from Uranus."
(junglejim, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:28, Reply)

I hope all your children have small penises........
and that includes the girls!

/goldblum
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:19, Reply)

Not me, but two of my mates
were having a light hearted argument, which finished with the line " shut up Stu, or I'll rape your sister, impregnate her and make her call me daddy" Cue silence and then painful laughter. From me anyway.

And I went to Bristol to see a mate, and this student twat was making an arse of himself. He then asked his friends "why am I so stupid? HA HA HA" So I yelled "Genetics"
(Willboy:, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:18, Reply)

not the best thing to say....
Imagine the scene....I'm drunk in a night club and getting on really well with this woman, things couldn't be going any better, then she noticed my tattoo and said:

"Thats a bit of a crap tattoo"

I'm not sure if she was joking or not, but for some reason my come back was:

"Yeah, but you're a f*cking whore!"

...Needless to say I went home alone that night.
(Cletus, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:15, Reply)

Probably already here about
six or seven times, but what the hell...

Unknown lady: "Sir, If you were my husband, i'd poison your tea."
Winston Churchill: "Madame, if you were my wife i'd drink it."
The man is a veritable goldmine of these.
(Tuesday the Super Apple, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:05, Reply)

If you get one of those twatty people who say "There is no 'i' in team"
simply say 'Yes, but there is a 'U' in Cunt'
( the_fabulous_dancing_yak You like game? You come see 5punk.co.uk. You like!, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:00, Reply)

Nobody ever lends money
to a man with a sense of humour.
( Zuowan, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:59, Reply)

May dysentry turn your shite to blood
and may poverty force your children to eat it
(pikey, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:53, Reply)

Mate from work
Had been diagnosed with leukemia and had just begun his kemo.

Mate walks in one monday with no hair, and a colleague (who didn't really know him) walks up and slaps the top of his head, and says "nice mug, slaphead!"

mate turns around and says in the best "well ppfftht on you" tone I've heard:

"Oh yeah, well I've got CANCER!"

priceless.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:50, Reply)

Jaeger Man
I was in a bar with some friends and we kept slagging this other guy off behind his back (we didn't know him) on account of his wacky dress-sense etc.

After a few minutes he came up to us and said "I hear the word on the street is I'm a cunt"...

Well that shut us up. Strangely, he became our "best mate" for the rest of the night.
( dr_fonz, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:39, Reply)

Comedy heckling
There was a compere called Rob Heeney at my local comedy club in Guildford, who my friend and I would occasionally heckle. Once his microphone wasn't working and he asked, 'What am I doing wrong with this mic?' My friend replied, 'Talking into it'.

Another time, Alistair Barrie was compering a show and was taking the piss out of me for being an Oxford student. 'So, Oxford student, what brings you here then?' 'The train.' Not the best ever, but he clapped briefly and moved on to someone else.
(DoctorJ last upset some twat who doesn't like swearing on, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:38, Reply)

Set Way-Back Machine to 1977
Scene : Private School, with me a young teenager.

I made the error of judgement of calling one other pupil a Boring Little Turd. The other lad was in fact, the son of the headmaster, and a snotty little shit with it.

Other Lad : "Do you know who my father is?"

Me : "No. Don't you ?"




Maybe you had to be there.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:37, Reply)

One of my most vivid childhood memories
About five years old - I was walking home with my mum after going to the supermarket. She was weighed down with bags in both hands etc, and I asked her for a piggy back.

She turned around and said "What am I going to pick you up with?"

"With your great big fucking arms" came my witty reply.

No TV that night.
( gronkpan https://twitter.com/VomitingLarry, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:28, Reply)

Detentionus Maximus 2 - the sequel.
Same teacher, outraged at my having translated a Latin text to infer that Grumio and Caecilius were indulging in manly love.

"'Grumio est in Caecilius?' Grumio is IN Caecilius. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS?"

"Come on sir," I replied "you know the Romans were all a bit AC-BC."

Again, the headmaster laughed and laughed and laughed when I told him why I was in his office moments later.
(microsaulxp, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:27, Reply)

Detentionus Maximus.
Old school Latin teacher:

"Equus. The word means calm, even, fair, and is the basis for the English word equal.

Who knows what the word Equanimity means?"

Silence from class.

"It means a fair and balanced mind. The next time your parents are angry with you simply tell them 'I understand your position on this matter, but you must consider this matter with Equanimity.'"

He then proceeded to ask the class individually whether or not they had done their homework.

I had not done mine.

"WHY ON EARTH NOT!?!?" boomed the old-school fear-monger.

My response?

"Sir, I appreciate your position on this matter, but do try to consider this matter with equanimity."

The headmaster laughed and laughed and laughed when I told him in his office moments later.
(microsaulxp, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:23, Reply)

he asked for it
me and my mate (let's call him Steve) were in tech one time and this townie was getting rude and talking slang at us. We pissed him off for a while and he said, and I quote,

"What, man? You want beef? You want me to fuckin' hit you? I'll blow you, man, I'll blow you fuckin' hard"

to which Steve replied quite simply, "Dude, I'm straight."

It took said townie about five minutes to work out what we said.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:20, Reply)

ONE THAT WORKS
HER: go and get {insert items here, NOT THAT ITEM}

ME: what did your last slave die of??

HER: BACKCHAT!!!!!
(Jinxy - Spontaneous Randomity awaits those who question my pic-a-nic basket, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 9:14, Reply)

Not mine, wish it was
My cunt aches for you.
(Firestarter, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:38, Reply)

Kind of stolen from The Young Ones but hey,
While in a meeting at work with the boss I love to hate (and take the piss out of behind his back). We got into an argument about the team looking scruffy for not tucking their shirts in or something. The hilarity went like this:

Boss: I don't know why I bother sometimes.

Me: I don't know why you bother ever.

Everyone else: Trying not to laugh, or speechless with horror.

Later that same year I moved to a new job, now I am free to take the piss as much as possible.
(Trancemaster, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:36, Reply)

whilst at a mini b3ta bash last night

getting bored to death by some idiot in the toilets....

upon exiting the toilet, Supermoore turns around and says..

"this cunt walks into a toilet..........."

i swiftly followed supermoores vapour trail
( mostly harmless John Leslie raped me on, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:32, Reply)

gonna be a new craze
"thats what she said"

can be used in many situations.

eg. yesterday,

teacher: "right, now this is a hard one"
me: "thats what she said"

and my all time favourite -
i was having tea at my mates, and he kept sayin it at perfect times, i was laughing so much i couldnt eat

me: "iv been eating this for 5 minutes and i still cant swallow"

we both just looked at each other and burst out in laughter.

best.... phrase.... ever
('Andeh', Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:16, Reply)

After telling an appallingly tasteless joke
My mate said, "Ah, you're a cunt, you are".

To which I replied with a shrug,

"You are what you eat".
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:12, Reply)

at a terrible club in essex
an attractive but drunk blonde was chatting to me, it was all rather fun and flirty until she asked me if I lived there...

I said "No but I did my A levels round here."

She pushed her nose up in a mock-snob gesture and said, "oooooOOOOOH!!! A LEVELS eh??"

My comeback was to turn around and walk away.
(soma9766, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:09, Reply)

this one probably doesn't count
as i only thought it and didn't have the courage to say it out loud...

Not being many seats on the bus, a mother thought it a good idea to have her obnoxiously loud child sit next to me. After some wailing she looked embarrassed and said sorry to me. I immediately considered saying

"That's ok, in fact it's quite arousing" - really would have guaranteed my own double-seat but I thought better of it and just grimaced instead.
(soma9766, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 8:03, Reply)

My face
tends to have an unnnaturally unhappy look. Many times a jolly commuter has commented "Cheer up, it might never happen!!"

These days I reply "My daughter died from cot death yesterday."

*snort*
(soma9766, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 7:54, Reply)

The Bronx
We work in a questionable area known locally as Australia's answer to the Bronx. We went down to the local shop for lunch the other day, and there were pre-teens riding around on rusted undersized BMX's. They ended circling our cars in the car park.

The kids started with a bit of banter like "Hi! What the fuck are you doing here?". Which we ignored.

But what happened next was poetry in motion.

Rebellious Pre-teens: *insert name of workplace* FUCKIN SUCKS!

Co-Worker (says whilst giving double barrelled fingers to the kids): Yeah? We only work here. You LIVE here. . .

We promptly peeled out of the car park with everyone in the car giving the kids the finger. We figured it will be their word against ours.

As we did a middle aged lady came out the servo and yelled "get out of here, white trash". I'm hoping it was aimed at the kids.
(Firestarter, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 7:52, Reply)

i'm a bad person
"shut up!"

"or what?"

"shut up or i'll rape your childeren"

he didnt take me seriously, not having childeren, but you should have seen the look on his face.
(HalfwayHebrew, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 7:23, Reply)