Taxi Fun
I was in the queue for a taxi late one night, finished work much later than I should have and was in a foul mood. Behind me a women talking loudly on her mobile starts to walk up and down the side of the queue while chatting. The girls in front of me get into a taxi and as the next one pulls up she makes a move for it. I get my hand to the door handle first but she has the back of the handle, she looks at me in disgust:

‘I was actually before those girls!’ she lies to me

I take a moment to look at her and then out of nowhere say:

‘There are 2 certainties in life, 1 is that people die and the other is that I’m getting into this taxi the order in which these things happen is up to you’

She takes her hand from the door and stares at me.

I get in the taxi and go home.

I'm usually a nice person :)
( HornO, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:38, Reply)

P.E Teachers
Are nothing but naked Gibbons, So after being fed with the line "Nobody likes a smartarse Driscoll!" The words "Well then, everybody must LOVE you, sir" seemed to escape my mouth somehow. I was 14.
(VinylSqueakyDogtoy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:32, Reply)

couple of female friends having a typical girl talk
and the topic inevitably turns to sex. It transpires they both fancy the same guy, and the discussion becomes a little more heated. It ends with this classic:

"I envy you not needing foreplay - he can just stand behind you, slap your ass and ride the waves all the way in"
(bblgoose, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:32, Reply)

Gerrof moi laaaaand
Out mountain biking with a few mates, got a bit lost and cut across the edge of a livestock field. Angry red faced farmer comes steaming across in his tractor, "If I had a penny for every one of you b*****ds that come tramplin' across my field I'd be a millionaire!".

Without thinking I said, "Cool! you wouldn't need to sponge so much subsidy that way..." Farmer explodes in a cloud of expletives...
(El Juico, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:31, Reply)

Quick & Crap
Me: Hi Ho!!!
Mate: Why are you calling me a ho?
Me: I'm not.
Mate: Where does Ho come in to it all then?
Me: The front door, usually.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:26, Reply)

On a course, which was so utterly pointless...
..as to constitute criminally defrauding the taxpayer by spending good money on sending people on it(course consisted of a bit of playskool level psychology, new age arseery, a personality test - turns out I didn't have one! - and the overall conclusion that 'we're all diffrent and have to learn to work together people), the course 'facilitator' asked us all to write down our expectations of the day, seal them up in an envelope and then she would open them at random at the end of the day.
Anyway, come the end of the day the comments are being read out, mostly sheep like stuff like 'I would like to learn empowering strageties for more integrated collaborative working with my colleagues' the writer then being asked to identify themselves and then being asked by the increasingly smug 'facilitator' if those expectations had been met to which the answer was 'yes', hence the increasing smugness of said 'facilitator'.

Then my envelope was opened.

The legend 'I'm expecting a lot of buzzwords, playground level psychobabble, my intelligence to be insulted and to actually prefer to have spent the day at work doing something useful' was read out.

Cue stunned silence, before the reply came 'Well, I hope I've NOT met those expectations'.

Another silence with whole room expecting me to be contrite and say 'oh yes, I'm a much better person for being here and promise never to be so cynical ever again'.
My actual reply was 'You've more than met them and what's more I want to know how to set myself up in your trade becuase I reckon I could have put this course on for fifty quid in the pub and done in half the time' and waltzed out feeling like a job well done.

Mind you I've not been allowed to go on any courses again since then..

PS sorry about length.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:20, Reply)

o yeah....
also one night after some particularly unsatisfiying sex...
guy: i forgot to turn the radio on
me: i know how that feels... you forgot to turn me on too....



also a great reply to you stink: thats just your upper lip you turd sucker
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:10, Reply)

More annoying than witty
In the 6th form we used to argue about anything and everything. One of my best friends would NEVER admit he was wrong, even if 5 others all said he was.

We got so bored with these endless arguments that we came up with the totally under-stated put down "OK, you're right, I'm wrong".

You have to say it very calmly, but with a smug expression on your face that says "You are so wrong that I can't be bothered to argue any more with such a numpty". It's guaranteed to annoy anyone.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 12:06, Reply)

I was growing my hair through the last two years of secondry school
And I often got asked how long I would grow it, which I don't know. So I'd just say "Untill it's as long as my penis." Unfortunatly, those that knew gave comments about cutting it now...
( Whillow, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:58, Reply)

More ex-girlfriendyness
My ex and I unfortunately have to travel into London on the same train in a morning, We manage to avoid each other most of the time. The last time we spoke we had managed to avoid each other for some months.....When I saw her I remembered about my laptop the bitch had kept and I asked for it back.

Packed train....

Her..."No, youre so bloody greedy only interested in you and your things"

Me. "Yeah well, I've banged you up the arse"

You could hear jaws dropping 3 carriages down.
(higeldypigeldy, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:39, Reply)

Shit I just rememberd why I failed my first driving test...
Driving test instructor: So your names Robin, would you prefer me to call you Rob or Robin?

Rob: YOU can call me sir.

Hadn't even got in the car but I knew I'd failed then.... fat bastard only passed lasses anyway
(Mr Smuts, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:38, Reply)

when i was
about 4, wasnt me, but there were these two (also 4 year old) girls who were always arguing:
"Oh go to Mars and back Rebecca"
"Go to Mars and DONT come back Sarah"

What wit from the young. Its really sad that I remember that.
(Caligula, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:38, Reply)

lame DJ questions
I remember when a radio 1 DJ was asking some popstars one of those pathetic questions "like if you were stuck on a desert island ..."

DJ: "if you were stuck in a lift who would you like to be stuck in a lift with"

1st star:"erm I think it would have to be Kylie"

2nd star:" a lift engineer! next stupid question"
(himmler, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:38, Reply)

It's not all work, work, work

So, I used to work in an office where I was the only bloke out of about 40 staff.

One day, one of them stands up and shouts across the office at me "Oi, why can't men get BSE? Because they're all pigs".

To which my unthinking reply was "It's just as well I can't - I think one mad cow in the department is quite enough".

One stunned silence from the comedienne, one round of applause from the office.
(Steve The Monkey, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:37, Reply)

Headphone leakage causes comeback classic
I was on the train listening to some tunes (the Jesus and Mary Chain although Im not a goff). This guy behind me taps me on the shoulder and says
"Can you turn it up I can't hear it clearly enough"

so i turned around and said...

"Sorry mate, its as loud as it goes"
(cowkicker, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:36, Reply)

Unusual for my mate
But one night he said the funniest thing he's ever said...

Bit of history: About a week before this incident me and a mate had succeeded in getting barred from a local boozer for next to nowt - using the disabled loo. Unsurprisingly we both gave the bouncers some serious grief and so, the story begins.

7 days later, Friday night and we decide to go to a bar near the one we're barred from. Thinking ourselves smart we thought we'd give the bouncers that barred us some grief on the way past. All went well and we found ourselves in the new bar. 5, maybe 10 seconds passed before we found ourselves being railroaded out of the bar by the bouncers - who it seems are good mates of the w*nkers who barred us from the other place!

"Cross over the road or else" they shouted at us. Being beligerent sorts we told them to stick it up their b*llocks, to whit they resorted to 'helping' us across the road.

We stood, waiting for the lights to change but when they did the meatheads didn't notice.

My mate turned to the bouncer feeling his collar and spoke to him in his best 'little baby' voice:

"The green man is showing now sunshine, we can cross"

I don't think his feet touched the ground until we reached the other side...
( TooMuch2AM, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:34, Reply)

stupid kids
i was at the movies and this cunt had her kid with her he was like six, and with just me and a friend there she chose to sit in front of us, stupid cow, well before the previews come on theres this commercial for web site where you can by tickets for the movies online, you know the one with the little paper bag puppets, well the puppet was talking about how his wife laughed like an ass and he couldnt take her to the movies, my friend at the point goes "that kid smells like piss" and i luaghed.... like the wierd puppet lady.... i sound like a puppet....anyways the kid turns around and says" are you the fandango lady? you fatter in real life." to which i reply "thats cuz ive taken up eating lillte kids, but not you you smell like piss" hehehe... right? no his mom turns around and says "he cant help it hes mentally disabled" and walks out. opps owell atleast the smell didnt linger.
(shylo_sequoia, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:34, Reply)

Circa 1989, and I'm in an A-Level maths class
and the teacher, one Mr. Roberts, decides to eschew maths for a moment to ask us a philosophical question.

"I have a machine," he says, "which, when I turn it on, would produce infinite happiness for everyone on the planet forever. Now, how would you convince me not to turn it on?"

Up pops classmate Danny Gianni with the priceless, "Well, I'd probably just break both your arms."

Shortest philosophy class I've ever had.
( djol, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:31, Reply)

OK, not really a comeback but
I went through an assessment centre that was trying to pick 7 managers out of the 13 that existed at that level.

All very positive feedback from the external assessors, everyone feeling positive (foolishly)

Review with the Manager choosing these 7 lucky individuals.

"Your review states that you are: Highly motivated, committed to the company, highly intelligent with top marks in both the english and mathematic tests" {Just gotta say here - after 25 years they needed to assess me on that ?!?)

"There's no place for you on my team"

I was speechless for, oh, a good five minutes. She asked "Are you alright ? Have you no questions ?"

I finally dragged my self-respect up off the floor for a nanosecond to ask
"Why, do you only want puppets ?" (And in retrospect that should have been muppets)

Within 12 days I had my redundancy (which is what I wanted anyway)......
(The real vlad the impala, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:23, Reply)

Some cunt squaddy
was hassling me and my rather attractive lady in the pub.
He was pissed and abusive, and was generally upset as he was jealous that she was going out with such a skinny, unhunky specimen as me.
I was getting fed up with his jibes and in the end when he said for the umpteenth time "Why are you so skinny?" I cracked, and screamed very loudly
"Cos I've got fucking cancer you cunt!"
He bought me drinks for the rest of the night.
( Hankster, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:22, Reply)

Not that related, but I thought it was witty...
I and a very attracted person I was trying to get with were talking about a mutual friend and he said "She's one of those annoying drunks, they shouldn't be allowed to drink, and if she is she should be locked up in another room with just water, bread and maybe condoms to be fair to them..." Another friends drop backs into the conversation and asks "What's this about bread and condoms?" Quick as a flash, I replied "It's to stop the spread of yeast..." We all thought it was brilliant and he laughed a lot, but we never got it on :( damn.
( Whillow, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:17, Reply)

Cuntpuffin.
Use this information wisely.
( Prof. Slocombe, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:16, Reply)

On sharing a can of coke with a friend
I'm driving the car and he's in the passnger seat.

AT the traffic lights, I had had a big mouthful of coke and he was hinting that it was his turn.

He gets the can and starts wiping the top around the hole with a hanky.

"What are you doing?" I ask.
"I'm wiping the top so I don't get any of your germs," he replies.
"I haven't got aids you know," I respond
He takes a big mouthful and shrugs his shoulders.
"But I did just give a dog a blow job," I add.

Cue vast amounts of coke being sprayed onto windscreen.
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:15, Reply)

We had a team event
and after the first day I expressed my opinion that we hadn't shared things, I felt excluded from the group etc.
Following day, charging aimlessly and pointlessly around the woods in the Lakes, a guy turns to me and says

"Are you feeling better about beinbg involved today ?"

My positive, caring sharing response ?

"Make another fool comment like that, and I'll rip your head off, shove it up your arse, and bury your carcass where it won't be found for a thousand years" (Hey I was tired, and in a bad mood ok ?)

My assessment oddly majored on negativity. Errm "Not a team player" (durrr)
(The real vlad the impala, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:13, Reply)

After 28 years
I got redundancy - so I could take the opportunity to say to B - my boss of years - "You're just a cum stain on a soiled tissue" - I haven't been invited to any re-unions....
(The real vlad the impala, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:08, Reply)

Smoking
I asked at the first dinner of a new team of workmates (after dessert of course)
"Does anyone mind if I smoke ?" to which Claire retorted
"If you don't mind if I fart". Cue laughter, I smoked, and I don't know to this day whether she farted. Though later on the dance floor, the smoke machine caused further hilarity.
Good team, great times.
(The real vlad the impala, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:05, Reply)

Many years ago
Back when I was at College in sunny Wigan.

Picture the scene. 11:10pm in one of Wigans fine ale houses. In walks Joe Lydon, at the time a collosus of a man, the back bone of the all conquering Wigan Rugby League team.

J: "Pint of bitter please barman"

B: "We're shut son"

J: "But you can serve me, right?"

B: "No son, we shut at 11"

J: "Do you know who I am???"

Barman turns to assorted regulars lined up in the snug...

B: "Does anyone know this lad? He seems to have a spot of amnesia."

Cue 'man mountain' Lydon shrinking to the size of a wet leprechaun...
( TooMuch2AM, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 11:05, Reply)

From the mighty Penny Arcade:
When someone says or does something really lame, I deliver in a deadpan voice:

"See, this is why no-one likes you. It's because of shiz like this."

Only to be used in extreme circumstances!
(gavD, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:55, Reply)

My best ever...
I used to work with a twunt called Mik3 (to disguise his real name). He was a Geordie, and a big, beer-bellied bully to boot. I worked in a team of about 8 people, most in their late 20s, the manager was 35, I was 39. Mik3 used to rag me all the time about being old.

Anyway, come Xmas, we were doing a 'Secret Santa' - everyone buys a pressie for £5 for another member of the team picked at random. We were discussing who should be Santa, and give out all the gifts.

Mik3 comes out with a pathetic "Well Che, it should be you, because he's an old man", to which I quipped with lightening speed:

"Well it can't be you Mik3, because he's fat and jolly, and you're only one of those."

HAH! It took him a minute to work that one out, but it was great watching his face as he did!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 30 Apr 2004, 10:53, Reply)