Bastards.
Until recently I rode an ancient Yamaha XJ550.

Utterly bulletproof, willing to start and run in all weathers, held onto the road like it was glued there and had more power at the top end than I was willing to use. The low tech, non vented disk brakes meant stopping in the wet was was scary as hell, but hey you can't have everything.

It was a bike that looked like a bike, no poncy chrome or dayglo plastic with go faster stripes. Even just sat there it said "Hey, I'm an awesome fucking motorcycle, get your leathers and lets go for a burn!" People would stop beside me at traffic lights and say ask me what the hell I was riding. Some would shake their heads in disbelief, others would ask if I was willing to sell it.

It's made out of that old fashioned material "metal", even better it's almost entirely steel, heavy, black, and subject only to the ravages of rust. Something which can be remedied by keeping the thing filthy and oily like a proper motorbike.

Unfortunately, some little ben sherman clad, acne ridden, ear studded, addiddas trainer wearing, blood type O, chavscum fuckpig with no sense of morals or decency broke into my garage and stole my bike.

Stole it, rode it too fast, lost control and went face first into the windscreen of a Nissan micra coming in the other direction.
Worse, the fucker had also spent hours using a brick to bash his way through the laminated security glass in the back porch to steal my crash helmet otherwise this would be a tale of Honda Accord level justice.
As it is he managed to escape from the police. On foot, bleeding heavily, missing a shoe, probably concussed, even then the met's finest couldn't catch up with him.

So what I have in the garage now is the remains of my proud bike, front wheel destroyed, forks bent in under the engine, all indicators missing, petrol tank mashed and dented.

Bloody but unbowed, it still starts and runs.
I can rebuild it, and someday soon I will ride again.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 15:24, 21 replies)

that made me a bit sad
shame the little scrote didn't get his comeuppance
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 15:34, closed)

He must have left a fair bit of blood at the scene
is it too much to hope that they might catch him through his DNA?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 15:36, closed)

It's possible.
If he ever gets pulled up on any other crime, and he will, then they'll be able to link him to this one.
But only if they a) keep the sample b) bother to check the records and c) actually prosecute him for the other crime.

So far of the miscrenats who've burgled my house(four times), stolen my bike(twice), emptied paint tins into my pond to kill the fish, smashed my car windows, taped fireworks to my car windscreen, and scrawled their frankly shitty tags on my workshop wall (within 15 mins of the bricklayers putting away their tools) the police have caught one 17 yearold scrote, and him only because they had a dog team handy.

They don't like to run you see, running really foxes them.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:03, closed)

Jesus, that awful!
Do you live in a crime ridden area, or are you just unlucky?
(Burt Burt, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:18, closed)

Not normally too bad
I live on the edge of an estate where, until two very active families were arrested en-masse, preschool children were routinely taught by their peers that stealing wasn't illegal until you were 18...

Which delightfully resulted in me apprehending two 6 yearolds standing on a box so they could reach to lever the ignition lock off my bike.
The conversation whent thusly:

Me: "Oi, what the fuck do you think you're doing you little scrotes"
Scrote1: "We're stealing this bike mister..."
Me: (blinks in perplexity)
Scrote2: "It's Ok. We've got our own screwdriver!" (exhibits stolen screwdriver)
Me: "YArrrag (insert various wookie and caveman noises)"
Scrotes: "Wahh! We're gonna tell our mam!" (fx of running away)

Police: "We've had a complaint that you've been threatening the children who break into your garage to steal things. Don't do it or we'll lock you up for being a hamtoucher."
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:42, closed)

Holy shitting crap!
Whenever I have doubts about moving to Canada, along comes someone to remind me why it's the best idea ever.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 2:26, closed)

Good story
Shame that he got the helmet though.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 15:36, closed)

Aye
Very much so.
Would have been a lot ickier, but a definite win for great justice.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:05, closed)

Presumably once it's up and running
you'll be able to hunt down the miscreant on your trusty steed and exact Yamaha levels of justice on his person?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 8 Nov 2010, 15:52, closed)

Perhaps.
If I can talk any of the local kids into dobbing him in.
It's reasonably well known that it's one of three lads (all brothers) who are responsible for about 80% of crime in the local area.
Unfortunately the alibi of "I woz at 'ome all nite wif Baz and Tezza, they'll back me up" seems to be unshakeable. Even when Baz and Tezza have posted facebook updates from their (stolen) phones about the wikkid party they were doing massive drugs at.

Not admissable in court apparently.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:09, closed)

If you have a personal name for the bike,
Change it to Steve Austin.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:05, closed)

(grin)
After a previous Engine Asplode incident he already has "Lazarus Long" inscribed on one side panel.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:13, closed)

At least you got it back...
... and it's going to be easier than you think to fix. Really, it is.
(gordonjcp, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 16:54, closed)

Fantastic bike, my condolances.
Just looked it up as I wasn't familiar. An entirely appropriate machine for cruising menacingly around the wastelands of post-apocalyptic Britain (which, either ironically or fittingly, I'm not sure which, sounds a lot like where you live).

Good luck rebuilding her. She'll reward the attention.
( Scrumper, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 18:38, closed)

here's hoping
It **really** hurt the little cunt. Bet he still won't learn to keep his thieving little pikey mitts off other people's stuff though.
(tjn whizzing on the electric fence of life, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 18:56, closed)

this makes me rather glad i've got a shitty pushbike
seriously, the only person who would find it worthy of theft is some form of ASBO granny.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 19:42, closed)

that engine should fit quite nicely into a number of frames.
see this as an option to go custom. get a frame, streetfighter it, spray it matt black and terrorise the neighbourhood.

I miss motorbikes. can you tell?
( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 21:33, closed)

Fuckin shit that mate
There's something about old bikes that just won't die (I've a CG125 like that!). Sadly I don't have any yam bits to donate, at least if the tank isn't holed it'll add a bit of character. Perhaps you should get a demon-possessed Norton commando like an obscure C-movie...:D
( Greenbat, Mon 8 Nov 2010, 23:21, closed)

I would
Sell my own grandmother* for a decent Norton commando.
Almost got my filthy paws on a rotary once, before the chap selling it did some thinking and added a extra zero to the price.


*She won't mind. She's dead
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 9 Nov 2010, 11:04, closed)

Not sure there's such a thing as a good Notrun Commando unless you detune a late Mk 3 to 250 Superdream levels of performance, they do look nice though.
(Benzyl, Wed 10 Nov 2010, 23:00, closed)

I hope he's suffered permanent damage.. that's all.
(wankymcwankwank Eels, tobacconists, hovercraft and bouncy bouncy., Tue 9 Nov 2010, 9:28, closed)