I seem to be the star. My brothers, on the other hand...
My older brother ended up being browbeaten by his first wife into becoming the bagman for a North Shore drug ring and offered up as the sacrificial "mastermind" when that group was busted: he was eventually given a probationary sentence brought about partially, I have always hoped, by my letter to the judge stating that my older brother is so very stupid he could hardly successfully pick his nose (true), much less mastermind a major drug operation. He is an essentially harmless person as long as you do not catch his attention, whereupon he will astonish you with his amazing ability to hold a long conversation without your ever saying a word. I guess being diagnosed as a hyper-manic helps in that regard. I avoid him simply because if I don't, he will start talking and never shut up.

My younger brother is the one to worry about: seven years ago he decided to write very detailed and threatening letters to all of the major old missionary family heads in Hawai'i and their immediate kin, which quickly earned him the ire of those who can very quickly turn paradise into hell with just a few pulled strings or dropped hints. This might have resulted in only a slight embarrassment to mom and myself but he could not stop there, oh no, not by a long shot. In addition to his threatening letters to the extended family were found several missives that directly threatened the life of Chelsea Clinton (yes, that one), thus ensuring that everyone within three branches of the family tree was visited by the men in black suits. Fortunately for me, my only visit took less than an hour but it definitely earned the punk my enmity, which worsened when I was called upon as the person closest to him (hah!) to make a special visit to his cell a couple of years ago for a new offense. After first being committed to an asylum during the trial during which he made a positive recovery with the use of copious quantities of lithium, he decided he no longer needed the chemical crutch and ditched the pills and whatever emotional stability they had lent him during that time. Shortly after that, he learned about a real estate controversy in San Diego centered around some historic bungalow and decided to torch the place as a way of resolving the issue externally. He failed. The next morning, when the camera crews were recording the damage, he returned and with cameras rolling attempted to set fire to the dwelling again. Climbing into his van he then attempted to drive over the reporter and camera crews. I have been notified the footage actually shows the cameraman and reporter dodging the oncoming van while still trying to record the situation: points for dedication to the job but demerits for being stupid cunts and not running for cover, you guys. While he seemed quite pleasant behind the armored glass panel there was a hint of not-quite-there behind the eyes. He seems to be in hiding now which is fine by me: if I never see him again that will be an ideal interval.

It is just a bit depressing to realize that despite having a decidedly sub-par life as far as my close relatives are concerned, I am still the shining star of the family because I have never been arrested or thrown into jail. But only a very little bit.
( Felis Concolor, Sun 16 Jan 2005, 11:21, Reply)