James Herbert's "The Fog"
.

This was the book that taught me a valuable lesson at the age of 13. The lesson? Read the blurb before reading the book. Oh, and don't ever trust an elder brother with a sick sense of humour.

The parents had gone out for the night, and 16 year old brother had been entrusted with my well-being, by two mature, sensible adults. What the hell were they thinking? It wasn't that I would get up to mischief if unsupervised, more that I was such a wee scaredy-cat I'd be weeping in terror before they left the house. He'd happily accepted the proffered cash, and said nothing of his plans. The parental car was barely round the corner (about 150 metres away) when he had his coat on.

I asked what I was supposed to do until he came back (hoping he'd take me with him - aye right!) and he threw me said book, commenting that it should "keep my mind occupied" until his return. Sick, sick, boy.

I sat down and started reading.

A very short time later I was huddled in the corner of the room (still reading the book, because I had to know how it ended) and stayed there until he came back. By the time he returned I had almost finished the bloody book, and was near-prostrate with horror. Mum and Dad came home not long after, to find their first-born child still trying to coax his red-faced wee sister out of the corner. I flew into Dad's arms, babbling nonsense about fog and school buses. Mum picked up the book and figured out what had happened.

It was a long time before we were left unsupervised again, about a year if I remember right, and my bro was left in no doubt that any repetition of the "book-lending incident" as it became known, would result in swift and painful reprisals.

I actually finished the book a couple of days later, in broad daylight and sitting on the floor between Dad's feet - my favourite "safe place" in the world at the time. Many years later, I spotted it for sale in a second-hand bookshop and in a fit of unbelievable stupidity, bought it. For about 20p (bargain). I really thought that as an adult I'd be fine reading it, but the damn thing dragged me in again. I ended up reading it sitting on the floor between my husband's feet - my new favourite "safe place"!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 14:25, 28 replies)

That's a brilliant
"safe place" to have.

good story too. I remember getting "Domain" out of the library and it terrifying me. I started making my "in case of nuclear war and subsequent attack by mutant rats" plan. Of course now I only worry about serious things. Like the inevitable rise of the zombies.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 14:39, closed)

I like the Rats books.
The one set in Epping Forest creeped me out a bit, as I pretty much grew up there.
Not in the forest, you know what I mean.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 14:49, closed)

al
It's the only place I'll sit to watch scary films (I'm a right wee coward even now).

I'm not sure which I'd rather deal with - the rats or the zombies! I think I'll pray that I'm in the first lot to go!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 14:50, closed)

What about
ZOMBIE RATS!
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 14:55, closed)

Don't toy with me Kaol
I'll have to come up with a whole new set of plans now.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:01, closed)

@Kaol
you just had to, didn't you? Scare the poop out of me when my "safe place" is currently miles away, encased in steel toe-capped boots?

*goes off to quiver in corner*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 15:01, closed)

Hmmm....
*does the zombie-rat dance*
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:06, closed)

Steel toe-capped boots?
Is he a knight?

*imagines a zombie rat dance in the style of the thriller video*
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:07, closed)

I'm wearing
Steel-toe-capped boots.
Doesn't make you a knight.
More likely you're a steel-worker or a nazi thug if you wear them.

The zombie rat dance is like Thriller, but lower to the ground and scuttlier.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:11, closed)

I wear steel toe capped boots too
but I was just wondering if the wee witch had snared a chivalrous knight under her wicked spell.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:13, closed)

I doubt it...
Surely a Knight would wear steel boots?
Totally steel.

And have a polishing fetish?
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:15, closed)

true
*polishes his helmet*

*is disgusted that he lowered himself to such a cheap shot.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:15, closed)

It's ok...
A cheap shot would be a small glass of Aldi vodka.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:16, closed)

Boys, boys
yes, steel toe capped boots, add in the hard hat and the hi-vis vest, definitely not a knight. I kidnapped the construction bloke from Village People and turned him straight!

*giggles nervously*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 15:19, closed)

Does he
polish his hard hat?

*is even more disgusted with himself*

Where's Bert? My tone lowering is so much more creative when he's here.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:23, closed)

He polishes
whatever I tell him to ....

He's a very good boy! Very well ... trained ... at what he does.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 15:26, closed)

Oh dear...
Bert is so much classier at lowering the tone.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:30, closed)

I know
all I got from TWWs reply was the idea of sex. Raw, unbridled, mad passionate sex.

Bert would have made me feel dirty and wrong. And a goat.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:34, closed)

Al
the crucial, missing word from the above description is ...


dirty


Construction? Filthy, filthy job. Filthy, filthy, man.

*opens window to cool down, checks time, and offers kids twenty quid to disappear for an hour later on*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 15:37, closed)

My mental image of 'TheWeeWitch' has been completed.
She is now sitting in between her husband's (who is wearing a hard hat) steel toecapped boots, stirring a cauldron of wee and cackling nervously in case 'the fog' comes and she has to say 'bubble, bubble, toil and trouble' to make it go away.

(Oh, and my housemate works as a builder - how exactly do you put up with his feet when he comes home? I know I can't stomach it.)
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:38, closed)

I've said it before
And I'll say it again.

Children kill sex life.

(Ok, I don't have children. Or a sex life. Apart from Wednesdays, at 4pm.)
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:39, closed)

My mental image of TWW
is just not suitable for posting anymore.

*wonders what time his Mrs will be home tonight*

@Kaol - children kill sex life, Kaol kills children. And the cosmic balance of the universe is restored.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:42, closed)

SF's right buttock
Two words - Odour Eaters. Three more - bicarbonate of soda.

Kaol: Let me check - I have kids and a sex life. You have neither. How does this work, this, kids killing sex life thing? We just send them to bed early!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Tue 20 May 2008, 15:42, closed)

@Kaol
True,

Which is why I've booked a day off tomorrow to go round and see my new girlfriend while her kids are at school. May not have to resort to the traditional 4pm.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:45, closed)

See!
Boss Keltoid agrees, so it must be true.

Ha!

Oh and for the record, I don't kill children. I throw them back in the river.
I only kill what I'm going to eat.
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:47, closed)

@Kaol
They're not too bad, really.
we just have to be a bit sneaky.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:57, closed)

Grilled?
Or boiled?
( Cawl, Tue 20 May 2008, 15:58, closed)

Nah
I must have been a little bit too old when I read The Fog, although I loved James Herbert as a kid. I got to the gang-rape of teenage boys and wet myself laughing. This probably makes me a horrible person, but it was like something out of Monty Python.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 22 May 2008, 11:19, closed)