I was using a food mixer to mix up an omelette and put the wrong lid on the top of it
Boy did I have egg on my face.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:46, 13 replies)

I frequently have two versions of multiple-author papers open
one on desktop, one on the laptop. Makes it easier to track changes as several people are editing and re-circulating.

My brain cannot, will not, ever, be convinced that "copy" and "paste" doesn't work between separate machines.

what makes it slightly worse is that the laptop is a Mac, so I'm not even pressing the same fucking keys.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:38, 13 replies)

Supermarket Sweep
Many is the time I've wandered down an aisle, selected a grocery item from a shelf, returned and dropped it into my trolley before continuing pushing it around the shop only to discover several minutes and quite a few more items later that it's not my trolley.

Typical giveaways:
organic products - overpriced nonsense, shouldn't be in my trolley
processed foods endorsed by gurning 'celebrity' - unhealthy overpriced nonsense, shouldn't be in my trolley
small crying child - I left mine at home, shouldn't be in my trolley.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:38, Reply)

Psychometric testing
We were doing a psychometric thing for work and had taken the Myers-Briggs test.

For the uninitiated, this is a pseudo-scientific test where you are quizzed and then measured on four axes E-I (Extrovert/Introvert), S-N (Sensing/Intuition), T-F (Thinking/Feeling) and J-P (Judgement/Perception). I came out on the J-P axis as being a perceptive person (P).

Later, we were doing some other exercise and it took me quite some time to figure our why people were smirking at me, after I opined out loud that I was doing quite well because of my P-ness.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:05, Reply)

Last week, I was feeling particularly bleary when I got into work.
Go into kitchen, grab pint glass and empty mug. Turn on kettle, fill pint glass with tap water. Grab teaspoon and instant coffee, carefully tip a heaped teaspoon into pint of cold water. Fill mug with boiling water, walk to desk.

Take sip from mug, wonder why it doesn't taste of anything. Take large gulp from pint-glass, spit out and swear. Empty both vessels down sink, repeat process.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 14:01, Reply)

That Peter Kay moment....
.when you come out of the supermarket and sit in the wrong car. Same type, model, make and colour as my wife's, very nice lady sat waiting in the driver's seat, just the wrong very nice lady. She was amused at least. She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed failed to see the funny side of it. Can't say I blame her.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 13:53, Reply)

All the time - because, you see, I'm a commercial airline pilot!!!!!!!!!!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 13:53, Reply)

One new year's eve
I was very very drunk. When I got home at 5am the door was locked and everyone was asleep. I wanted someone to let me in the house, so I knocked on the door. Very very quietly, so as to not wake anyone up.

After ten pointless minutes I got my keys out and let myself in.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 13:39, Reply)

Not so much autopilot, however as some here know I am a headspaz; epileptic.
One of the most annoying side effects of this is what I call ‘brain farts’ such as filling the lawnmower up with lemonade instead of petrol , pouring water in to a whole jar of ground coffee instead of the cafetiere etc.

All quite mild eh? Yes. Thankfully nothing dangerous but still fucking annoying as it happens at least 10 times a day, every damn day.

Yes, a serious post. Stick that up your arse TTTers.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 13:35, 33 replies)

Calendars
I had a printed copy of my work calendar stuck on the wall to the right of my monitor. For several minutes I tried in vain to move the cursor off my monitor and on to the printed copy so I could click on it and make a new appointment. I assumed it was a fault with the computer, so switched it off and on again, only then did I realise my stupidity.
( Varmint, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 13:31, 2 replies)

Crown of Thorns
Took an old door up to the council tip to dump it. It was basicaly a 'garden door' wooden framed with about 12 small rectangular panes of glass in it.
All the workers at the tip sit around drinking tea for most of the day and only come to help you if you're about to dump something that they could keep for themselves or sell on Ebay. Their Portakabin is fully equipped with sofas, armchairs, TV, microwave, 'fridge etc all 'saved' from being binned.
As it was a summer's day they were all sat outside on some garden furniture, drinking tea and watching all the poor punters struggling to heave things into the skips. The door I had brought up to dump was not particularly heavy but as the handle had been removed it was hard to get a grip on it.
The tip staff watched me struggle for a while but none came to help. I had the brainwave of hefting it up onto my head and carrying it like an African woman going to market if she had a market stall selling garden doors.

I tried to make this look easy just to spite the hi-viz mafia but hadn't quite thought it through. As I easily lifted it on, the top of my head broke through the very centre glass panel and the jagged edges of the broken glass around the frame wedged onto my crown so I was wearing the door like a hat. Some of them heard the glass break and looked over but I made the decision to tough it out and carry on as though nothing had happened. Walked up the ramp, carefully lifted the door off my head (more painful than when it went on), threw the door into the skip and dusted my hands off in sitcom style before nonchalantly strolling back to my car.
After I got home I told my wife the story and we both giggled stupidly as she spent about 30 minutes picking shards of glass out of my scalp.
Length? Longest scar was about an inch.
(Barnetboy, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 13:15, Reply)

At Kings Cross this morning
I was standing at the barrier with my Oyster Card, logjam building up behind me, repeatedly swiping it but not getting the green light.

Bloke behind had to point out the gate was already open, the light was just broken.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:56, Reply)

Geography
Jeff: What river is Stoke on Trent on?

Me: erm...... the Trent.

Jeff: Nooooooooo [face appears to implode as he realises what he said]
(Barnetboy, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:55, Reply)

St Albans in the 1980s again
Parked my pride and joy 'A' registration Ford Escort in a big car park in St Albans. It was my first reasonable car and was only a few years old so I looked after it, cleaned it every week, never parked it near other vehicles so inconsiderate drivers couldn't scratch it.
Had a stroll through the town centre for about 2 hours, get back to the car then get a horrible feeling when I reach into the pocket of my Levi's 501 jeans (it was the 80s)to discover that my car keys were not there.

Retraced my steps back through town, going into every shop I had previously visited, asking staff if they'd found any keys and if they did could they hold on to them for me. This takes me about a further two hours and eventually I reach the car in the middle of a now empty car park. I circle the car a few times on my hands and knees in the dirt searching for the keys before resigning myself to the fact that I'd lost them.

Desperate times call for desperate measures so I decide to smash the window and get the spare keys from the glove compartment. Eventually find a rock about the size of a house brick, walk back to the car and it's as I'm in the backswing of throwing a rock at the window that I finally see my car keys ..... in the ignition !!
In the 30 or so years since this happened this has only happened to me again about 4 or 5 times.
(Barnetboy, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:50, Reply)

Cold Cash
More than once I have put my wallet in the fridge together with the groceries. Once I even blocked the credit cards, because I thought my wallet was stolen.
The wallet was found by the then girlfriend, she had a good laugh.
(fat_skua, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:48, Reply)

Same bloke
His name is Matthew. He is simultaneously the luckiest and unluckiest person I know. He either possesses a charming level of gullibilty or conveys Jedi mind trick powers to anyone he holds a conversation with. Last year he crashed a plane into a field and walked away unharmed. Not even a bruise.

Anyway.

Class 9E exit the classroom in an orderly fashion. Entropy increases. One boy steps on another's shoe from behind, prompting jostling and ear-flicking as we maraud down the corridor to the Doors of Escape. The weekend is here, the sun is shining, it's a beautiful day outside, and some of us want to get back home to play Team Fortress on our PCs.

Matthew increases his pace as he reaches the doors, no doubt wishing to keep his heels healthy. He turns the handle, and begins the normal exit proceedure as detailed in the forthcoming health and safety government manual about safe passageway through doors. He steps out into Freedom, having barely slowed. He's almost out.

His mistake? He forgets to let go of the doorhandle. Somehow. Imagine Superman flying backwards, feet first, wearing a green blazer and a terrified expression on his face as he flows gracefully through the air to hit the concrete cushion below.

How do you forget to let go of a doorhandle?
(searlichek, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:47, Reply)

I shut my head in the fridge
Because I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and forgot to move out of the way when I put the milk back and shut the door.

I then had to explain to my wife how I got a cut on my nose.
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:47, 1 reply)

Hello?
I was having a meeting with my then managing director. The phone rang and he picked up his cup of coffee and said "Hello" into it!

Naturally I was in hysterics at the time, but sadly old age must be creeping up on me because I recently did the very same thing!
( Vambo, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:41, Reply)

Spending hours carefully crafting a nuanced stock only to strain it through the colander into the sink.
That moment of realisation never gets any less frustrating however many times I do this.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:41, 10 replies)

In work yesterday
I took a penny off a pint of beer, but I forgot about a prior ECJ ruling in favour of wine producers and distributors that says I can't do it without also reducing taxes on wines and spirits as it is contravenes European fair trade regulations!!!
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:41, 3 replies)

Somebody needs to resurrect prickbot to call everybody who posts a massive bellend.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:41, 1 reply)

I read the title as Brian Fade and wondered who he was
Does that count?
( Peej, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:38, 1 reply)

I have tried to unlock my house
with my car key!

(Remote central locking for your house would be a great thing, at least I think so.)
( Squiggy Alloria makes theme parks., Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:35, 1 reply)

Flicks kettle on.
Spoons two teaspoons of coffee into the mug.
Stares into space until kettle clicks off.
Empties kettle into jar of coffee.
Swears.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:33, 6 replies)

My lad goes to nursery.
You need to use a key fob to get the front door to unlock.
This fob won't work on your car door. No matter how long you stand there waving it at the lock. As it continues to rain. In Tesco car park.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:31, 3 replies)

I was walking around our house during some renovations
staring at the latest set of plans ... and walked face-first into a doorway that we hadn't yet built.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:26, 8 replies)

i was trying to write first and enter it
but was typing on my calculator...
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:26, Reply)

I used to have a double-sided set of bike pedals
One side regular flat pedals and one side to be used with proper clip in bike shoes. I stopped using them because I always forgot which side I was using. If I was using the flats it wasn't too bad - I just looked a bit silly trying to twist my foot out. If I forgot I was wearing the proper bike shoes, I fell over sideways still locked into my bike; to the amusement of all around me. It was when I came an inch from falling under a bus that I decided I needed new pedals...
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:26, 2 replies)

Second

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:24, Reply)

First
no brain fade today, at least.

edit: my usual one is walking into a room for something and forgetting why I went in there, but that could just be Alzheimers or something.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 21 Mar 2013, 12:23, Reply)