Circus of DEATH
"This is a passenger announcement," said the tinny voice on the public address system. "Due to engineering works, train services have been disrupted. A replacement bus service will call at all major stations to Bournemouth leaving from the station concourse."

I take my bag and hump it out of the front of the station where the smart double-decker coach is awaiting us. Immediately I sense there was something wrong. The driver's unfeasibly large sideburns, his bootlace tie and his far too cheerful demeanour. The coach looked like a mid-1970s nightclub. The other passengers look shocked, afraid, trapped, with rictus grins on their faces like they've been drugged.

In a blind moment of panic I realised what was wrong. It was the music. The coach resembled a 70's nightclub, because it was a 70s nightclub, and the driver its oh-so-cheeky compere. He loved his music and he was going to inflict it on all of us. And worst of all, it was the Black Lace Party Album. The doors silently slid shut behind me. Welcome to Royston Vasey.

Agadoo-do-do
Push pineapple shake a tree

The driver turned to me and asked where I'm going. I reply Bournemouth, a mere seventy miles and an entire lifetime away. This was the Circus of Death, and he was the clown, the tormentor-in-chief. He were at his mercy

As we pulled from the station forecourt, the Clown turned the volume up even higher so we could be entertained even above the noise of the engine. Already some of my fellow victims looked shellshocked. Several were actually phoning friends, relations, the army, anybody for help. But it was no good. We were trapped.

Hooray, hooray, it's a holi-holiday

By the time we reached Basingstoke, we were already huddled together for our own safety. Some of our number had tried to use their iPods to drown out the music. It was no good. Even with Led Zep IV turned up to ten, Black Lace still won. They were turned up to eleven.

We hit the M3, and the group huddled on the floor at the back of the coach cracked. It was "Oops Upside Your Head". They had assumed the infamous rowing boat formation and were lost to the world. Tragic. We could only pray for their poor, lost souls and the sadness of their families, knowing that they had succumbed.

I am the music man
I come from round your way

In Winchester, our frantic attempts to stop more victims joining the Circus of Death were thwarted by a South West Trains official with a clipboard. Forgive the poor, innocent fool, he knew not what he was doing. By then, we had all exchanged addresses and vowed, should we ever get out of this mess alive, to set up a support group.

And so Southampton. As The Birdy Song finally sapped the final vestiges of sanity from our minds, I sprung the emergency door just outside the station and ran for my life, telling myself over and over not to look back lest I be turned to stone like some hero in a Greek myth.

"Don't look back. Never look back. They'll be OK. Don't look. Just run."

Somewhere in the south of England is a bus. The driver is the evil clown of your nightmares, picking up innocent passengers, reaping their souls, leaving nothing but empty husks chanting his evil mantra "Y - M - C - A".

He will not stop.

He cannot be stopped.

I survived to warn the world.

Be afraid.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 15:40, 10 replies)

I kinda scanned this.
I've just cracked it though.
You and SpankyHanky are the same person.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 15:43, closed)

I sincerely hope not
;)
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 15:47, closed)

You would say that,
If you're trying TO HIDE THE TRUTH!
I'm onto you, Duck-man.
( Cawl, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 15:53, closed)

This...

Is quite simply exceptional.

I have interrupted writing my latest 'Encyclopedia B3tannica' length effort to reply, laugh like a drain, and click this.

My post will probably have to wait until tomorrow now.

You see? this post is a gift that keeps on giving.

*clicks damn hard*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Jun 2009, 15:48, closed)

Dark...
I begrudgingly click this.

The resentment stems not from the quality of the post, it's more that I'm going to have "The Music Man" in my head all bloody week now...

Nice post, though, sir.

All together now, "pi-an, pi-an, pian-o..."
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 15:54, closed)

Stop it! STOP IT!
Damn you!

Great Post BTW



(Ooompa Ooompa Ooompa-paaa............)
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 18:20, closed)

Hang on... this might help
Human League - Circus of Death

Fuck me, that song's over 30 years old now.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 25 Jun 2009, 18:48, closed)

This is just lovely...
Oh, and I can confirm that you're definately not me and I'm definately not you. I'm sure we'd know about that, or someone would've pointed it out to us. Possibly my girlfriend would've had a thing or two to say on the matter... Well, I hope she would, anyway.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 0:35, closed)

No...
...she didn't say anything at all.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 29 Jun 2009, 8:47, closed)

I was sure this was going to be a pun
But instead it was terrifying. I think I would have slept better with the pun option.
(LittleKitty, Fri 26 Jun 2009, 4:33, closed)