My story...
I was driving down the road the other day when I saw some guy standing on the corner around some kids, looking really shifty.

I noticed he palmed some massive drugs into a kid’s hand, now I’ve got a long fuse but this was now personal, no one does this in my neck of the woods. I did a handbrake turn in my Accord and drove towards the child only to swerve at the very end and knock the bag of meow meow heroin out of his hand with my spoiler.

The drug dealer was in shock and started screaming at me, obviously not noticing the Honda badge. I now started doing doughnuts in the road with caustic rage. I charged towards him, and pressed the brakes so hard that I front flipped the car, pinning him against the shutters of the nearest newsagents.

I got out of my car but he got out a knife and tried to stab me which I deflected with my Honda keyring, then my 2 years of Taekwondo classes kicked in and did a triple roundhouse kick, catching him sweetly on the head, making all his limbs break.

He was trying to crawl away but I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and pulled him towards the Accord and said to him “KISS THE VTEC STICKERS… NOW!” he did whilst crying and pissed all in the gutters.

“Now, get out of my sight!” I said, getting into my car, I was about to burn out when I noticed in the corner of my eye 3 supermodels, all just looking whilst wobbling their fannies at me.

“We saw what you just did, we think you’re so cool and want to look at your penis” so I let them and they all laughed with fright at its masterful size. One tried to hold it and winced instantly. “Oh god, you’re the best man I’ve ever slept with even though I haven’t slept with you yet.” said the 2nd supermodel girl. The 3rd had passed out with lust and done a gush so fierce that she knocked over a bin 20 meters down the street.

They all jumped in the back seats of the HA and we drove off back to my penthouse and we had the sex and played my custom game of dungeons and dragons whilst drinking home brew until the early morning. The End.

Cheers
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:01, 31 replies)

And if you told that to the kids today,
they wouldn't believe you.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:08, closed)

That's because kids are thick
I'd just make all twelve of them line up in a queue and then I'd rest my broom-on across all of their shoulders whilst burping along all of their haircuts.

Then I'd do a plopsie on a dockleaf and ride away on my skateboard on my belly like a stunt tortoise.
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:11, closed)

Kids today...
huh, don't know they're born, eh.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:13, closed)

I did. I got a video. clots all over my face. I even sucked in a bit and drank one.

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:15, closed)

*boke*

(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:19, closed)

Don't worry, I didn't digest it. I burped it back up out my nose and my mum kept it in an earring case.
wanna have a look?
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:23, closed)

Only if
it looks like solidified unicorn farts. I like them.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:50, closed)

you forgot this:
"Cheers,"
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:12, closed)

noted and ta

( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:12, closed)

I love you DG.

( Blue Star was working part time at the 5 and Dime, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:35, closed)

This is how internet LIES are done.
Cheers DG2.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 17:48, closed)

I don't get this.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 18:05, closed)

Nicely done DG
Click from me for the "gush so fierce that she knocked over a bin 20 meters down the street". Shame Accords aren't given the recognition they deserve by the judicial system.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 19:58, closed)

I fucking love this...
...I may very well love you. I think you've turned me into a gay...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Mon 26 Apr 2010, 20:44, closed)

Fine work, DG.

( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 22:13, closed)

This is the why of the internets.

(anvil, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 23:12, closed)

and the howto as well
*click*
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Mon 26 Apr 2010, 23:25, closed)

Class
*Clicks*
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 10:03, closed)

*click*

( spesh., Tue 27 Apr 2010, 10:10, closed)

I'm clicking this.
My supermodel grlfriend said not to. That was her first mistake.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 10:36, closed)

Dear gods, I do love you, you skinny freak of nature.

( Wicca'd Witch needs ideas for a new sig on..., Tue 27 Apr 2010, 10:43, closed)

Thank you,
the world is one step closer to being better.
( Moey, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 11:13, closed)

KISS THE VTEC STICKER
Top notch internet, right here.
( RR I love you ... in a way, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 11:13, closed)

This is excellent although I was disappointed at the lack of a length joke.
Still though 9/10 would read again.
( TFD is sporting this season's finest necropants, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 11:55, closed)

winner

( WormuIus, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 12:49, closed)

b3ta.com/questions/vote.php?id=707939&verify_code=215932387
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 13:53, closed)

Win
Clicked.
(Archeleus hates cabbage, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 15:09, closed)

DG
Fixing the internet one board at a time.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 27 Apr 2010, 18:33, closed)

Soup-herb
Extra points for "all just looking whilst wobbling their fannies at me."
( Droog is too orangey for crows, Wed 28 Apr 2010, 12:56, closed)