...
My parents went to Magaluf and all they got me was this lousy t-shirt.




Come to think of it, they've never been to Magaluf; so they didn't even get me one of those. Cheapskates.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 10:37, Reply)

A momentary lapse of taste
My wife usually displays impeccable taste (she married me, didn't she?), which is why I find it so hard to understand how we came to have a pair of solar powered, light-up-at-night plastic flowers (with wavy fibre-optic things sticking out!) in our garden. And when I say "light-up-at-night" I don't mean in a useful "providing a decent amount of illumination to stop you walking into a flower-bed" kind of way -- no, these things have tiny little bulbs in them, that slowly change colour without actually lighting up their surroundings at all. By day, they sit there looking like the cheap, ugly garden ornaments that they are.

In fact, while they are most certainly tat, I don't know for sure that they were cheap. I don't even know where they came from, they just appeared one day. I think possibly my mum gave them to us, but that's just a guess based on my mum's own...um...proclivities. But my wife made it clear that she likes them, so they're staying.

There's light (haha) on the horizon though -- one of our friend's kids has taken against the things, and each time she visits she manages to inflict some further minor damage to them. I've already (grudgingly) had to fix them several times with duct tape, but their days are numbered...
( reallywittyname veraciously conspues lexiphanicism on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 10:29, Reply)

Some shit called Dignity
I once bought a Deacon Blue tape from Woollies in the sale bin (this being a brave new world of compact disc technology) for 50p. 3 years later I gave it to my brother's girlfriend for Christmas. To be fair she did have a car with a tape player in it. One side played backwards apparently - she even tried to take it back to the shop to exchange it although I had 'mysteriously' lost the receipt. Unsurprisingly they weren't having any of it.
I also bought my entire family zoids one year which they considered cheap tat - although it was actually quite expensive tat. Next year they all got whimsical fairies in a jar. It's nice to know that there is a bottom drawer in my relatives houses full of shite bought by me.
( Woolworth Smells of festive spices, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 10:23, 1 reply)

eBay - Online Tat at the Click of a Button
Trawl through the wholesale and job lots section of eBay, true wonderment as to who wouldnt need this stuff;
cgi.ebay.co.uk/500-books_W0QQitemZ220189758085QQihZ012QQcategoryZ26185QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
cgi.ebay.co.uk/60-mr-fluffy-desk-mirrors_W0QQitemZ160196930369QQihZ006QQcategoryZ90955QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
50 B-Movie horrors? a snip at £15!
(Joe Guevara is well known for stealing your biscuits, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 10:14, Reply)

This Christmas
my present, from my parents of all people, was a wind up charger for a mobile phone.

Apparently winding this thing for 3 mins will produce enough power for an 8 min phone call.

It fits old models of phone from 4 manufacturers (Nokia, Motorola, Siemens, Samsung)....

I have a Sony Ericsson.


I can comfort myself in the knowledge that should for any reason there be a total loss of all mains, or even solar, power availability I can charge up someone elses phone.... so long as it's old enough to match the dated adaptors I have.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 9:57, Reply)

Holiday tat
Whilst on holiday in Blackpool my brother's ex (we'll call her Fiona for that was her name) decided she was going to get every one in my family a present - and it would be the tackiest thing she could find. My 'lovely' present consisted of a crappy plywood/chipboard box with a postcard of a Blackpool tram superglued onto it. There was a sign on the front with 'Telephone Savings Box' printed on it. I think it ended up being thrown on the bonfire.

Not to be outdone, my mother decided she was going to get her own back whilst on holiday in Austria. Whilst on a trip into Innsbruck, she came upon what must be the Austrian version of Superdrug which sold, like Superdrug, almost everything except food. It was whilst in this place that she came across an excellent present. Something no one (Austrian or an accordion loving hippy) could ever want. A CD of (in)famous folk songs for the bargain price of €3 (about £2). I think it ended up being used as a coaster.
(Prawn, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 9:50, 2 replies)

Another torch tale ...
I got given a solar powered torch. Worked a treat for about 6 weeks until the battery wouldn't take a charge anymore, so it became exactly what it said on the tin:
A solar powered torch. When the sun shone, the torch would light up. Sun goes behind cloud, torch goes out.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 9:44, Reply)

Question
Whats yellow and black and full of shit?



A Netto carrier bag.
(Alf N. Safety - refusing you planning permission on, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 9:07, Reply)

Another Birthday
Just remembered another birthday one.

Twas a friend's 17th Birthday, and as such, we wanted to do something special, and make him feel special too. In the worst sense of the word.

At the time, I lived above a cheap tat store, creatively named Cutprice. So myself and 3 friends went in there to pick presents, because we're cheap. Instead of presents, we decided to be bastards, in the way only good friends can. We put our pennies together, and bought our goodies, plotting our devious scheme.

The evil plan was unleashed the next day, at college, sneaking our goodies out of our bags, we got the one of the group to pin the poor guy to a chair, while two of us attacked him with MASSIVE pink pants. Once we'd wrestled these onto him, we made sure to duct tape him to the chair so he couldn't escape the undergarment nightmare. To top it off one of us brought forth a plastic tiara and fairy wand, made sure the wand was taped in hand, and tiara on head. That's how he spent the rest of that lesson, and our lecturer couldn't keep a straight face. Neither could he, which was great, he was always up for a laugh, so we abused that.

So there it is, making a tit out of someone in the middle of a classroom on their birthday, for the cost of 3 whole english pounds!

We did bake him a cake too, to make up for it, but we're not that nice, so it was iced with 'Happy Birthday you smelly cunt'. That's friendship folks.
( Trijian, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 8:06, Reply)

David Hasselhoff Christmas Songs.
Bought it for my wifey 3 years ago for christmas.
It gets passed on to someone else every year. By coincidence I have managed to see the smiles on everyones faces when it has passed on.
I love it:)


The sleeve I made for the inside
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 5:29, 3 replies)

Dollar Store Music
I was in a local Dollar Store over here a couple of months ago and was able to pick up a copy of some wanker from Slough singing "If You Dont Know Me By Now" absolute wankage.

I requested a refund. He's shit really. Rubbish.
( Citadel Because the world needs less morons, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 3:36, 1 reply)

Chaconcy
You reminded me of my BEST EVER cheap tat purchase.

The local shitforshitall shop, in about 2002 had 50c tapes of Pop Will EAt Itself!!!!!

I bought 5, just coz no-one else in Wollongong, NSW knew who the Poppies were and I felt lonely for the tapes.
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 2:49, 1 reply)

Me, and my unforetunate torch...
I got a brilliant, if rather unusual christmas present a couple of years back.. A rechargable torch.

It is geniunely handy in one way. It is rechargable, and you charge it by shaking it. So, good in a power cut.

Trouble is, you charge it by holding it at a 90 degree angle to your body, and shake it length ways. If anyone (as happened to me when I tried it) is looking at you but not really taking much notice, you tend to look like you are wanking.

The other problem is that to get more than 30 seconds of charge, you have to do this for almost 5 minutes.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Thu 10 Jan 2008, 0:22, 6 replies)

Not bought, but given...
...and probably from a pound shop...

when slimtallgoth was with his ex he used to get some fabbo christmas presents from his in-laws

(a *lovely* family who put him down constantly mostly because he couldn't drive a car...were so far up their own arses their teeth got in the way of vision...whose dominating mother declared herself a microbiologist and scientist even tho she was just a teacher in a two-bit college ((nothing wrong with teachers btw, but its a bit like me describing myself as chancellor of the exchequer, y'know?))...who out did the Klumps in table manners...)

((sorry...off on a bit of a rant there!))

these 'presents' normally consisted of some scourers, some toilet rolls, and, one memorable year, a pack of nappy sacks - now I'm not dissing their usefulness, but, wtf?? Scourers?? Whyyy??
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 23:52, Reply)

A Close Friend...
takes great delight in spending as little as possible on the worst piece of tatt he can find... for his mothers Crimbo presents.

Worst of all he pretends they are serious gifts so that he gets to enjoy the uncomfortably strained, faked 'thank yous' and laugh at how his mum has to bear their presence in the flat until he leaves again.

Examples in the past few years include:

- A 4ft "Rasta Man" sculpture with his hand out- in his hand is glued an ashtray (she doesnt smoke).

- A second hand inflatable garden pool (their 'garden' is a 5ft square courtyard).

- [and my personal favourite] A fully life sized scupture of the ancient greek discus thrower- crafted & glued entirely out of uncooked penne pasta.
( the dalai farmer always likes tea, but especially on, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 23:26, Reply)

Beans!
In Sunderland in the early 90's, there was a lowest-price baked beans war between Netto and Food Giant (aka Food Pig). 10p per tin... 5p per tin... 4p per tin, etc...

Netto won; 2 free tins of Netto-brand baked beans with every purchase. You could go in and buy a loaf of bread for 19p and get 2 tins of beans free. 2 meals, with enough money left for plenty-o-booze.

Marvellous, although a little heavy on the quackage after 3 weeks.
( MrHeed, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 23:19, 1 reply)

Hyper Value
Hyper Value was a chain of shops selling very cheap merchandise. I think it may have been limited to Wales. It sold a lot of rubbish, as I'm sure you can imagine from the rather OTT name. In addition, its slogan was the slightly sinister "More than you bargained for!".

I remember seeing tins of spaghetti in tomato sauce of no particular brand, a month out of date, being sold for 5p. Isn't that illegal? How old are tinned goods by the time they go out of date, anyway? I'm sure they would have been fine...hmm.

They also had cassette tapes of singles that obviously had some surplus surviving for a few years, mostly 90s era...I suppose they had to go *somewhere*. I bought one; it was Dubstar - quite a good song actually.

They had a range of board games that shamelessly copied the products of more established companies; for instance there was an obvious replica of "Frustration!" called "Don't be Angry!". Could have been perfectly serviceable, I suppose.

The Hyper Value chain apparently owned some sort of holiday park on Barry Island. I dread to think...
(Ovaltina, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 22:41, 7 replies)

Daddy
My dad (God rest his silly soul) was a...scrub that...THE chief purveyor of cheap tat. When he died in 2004, we cleared out his drawers and wardrobes (twas sad, but I laughed at some of the shit in there)

His purchases included:

1) Pair of yellow - the yellowist yellow that ever there was - desert boots - £3.50 from TK Maxx. Still living under my bed - he's been dead 3.5 years.
2) Countless pairs of towelling socks from God only knows where - they were all bobbly, and that was still in the packaging.
3) An orange tracksuit - fuck knows, but the label was still attached, it said "CLEARANCE 0.99"

He was funny my dad, aye. He'd bring his bargains home and show me and invariably I'd roll my eyes behind his back and say "Well done"

He taught me the value of money though. Bloody spend it while you're still breathing for fucks sake.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 22:32, Reply)

Secret Santa DVD
I bought my workmate "Teen Wolf Too" (not starring Michael J. Fox) on DVD for Secret Santa.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 21:36, Reply)

My 21st birthday
A few years ago I turned 21 and my friends, being poor students decided it would be an idea to buy 21 items for £1 each. This resulted in such delights as:

a doll's tea set.
a grotesque figurine of a tennis player who I can only assume is Pete Sampras.
a pack of 5 childens' toothbrushes.
a cannister of butane gas, and
an LP of Middlesborough steelworkers singing various folk songs.
(Agent Buckwald, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 21:35, 3 replies)

Are things that hard to translate?
Almost bought a confusing kids toy from a pound shop near my house.

On the cover was a picture of a small boy looking excitedly over at this little girl.

According to the speech bubbles the boy was saying :- "Are you succeed?"
To which the girl replied :- "Yes I can 100"

Still not sure what the game was about though.
(mookiepookie 1 third of a spoon, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 21:05, 2 replies)

We were that poor when I was a kid....
Our clothes were given to us by the Education Department (Leopold Street Building in Sheffield, if anyone knows it - it's a posh wine bar now) at discount rates.

I remember the sweaters cost about £2.00. They felt like it too - just look at them the wrong way and the sleeves would fall off, never mind playing football in the school yard or having a scrap in the corridor...

Thing is, most of the estate we lived on were in the same boat, so most of the kids on Shiregreen had the same clothes in the 80's.

Good times.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 20:59, 1 reply)

Worst time to feel ill/sick.
When did you feel sick, and why was it terrible timing? Was it your just before, or during a friends wedding?

Tell me your stories! and i might make one up during the week..
( Cae1, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 20:12, 2 replies)

On 99p DVDs
Costcutter gold over the years:

Omega Cop - Stars Adam West as commander of a post apocalyptic wasteland where a rogue cop is hunting down mutant pirates via the twin methods of really slow, poorly executed kung, fu and collecting random hotties in his armoured truck.

Psycho Cop - teens are hunted down by a serial killer cop who on some hideous oversight of the LAPD has failed to have his license revoked. Lines include "Move out of the way! You're obstructing justice!" and "Bitch!" (delivered by Psycho Cop in the middle of a completely unrelated scene about a mile away in some awesome display of telekinetic prowess, or possibly poor editing).

Dangerous Orphans: I'll let the tag line speak for itself on this one - "A bullet made them orphans. Revenge makes them dangerous."
(jabboy, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 19:55, 5 replies)

Best Present Ever
I decided to go out of my way to buy my mate the worst, cheapest DVD ever for his birthday (as I'm crap at buying good gifts anyway), so off I went to the land of the pound, and struck gold with: 'Pole Fishing with Bob Nudd'. Success!
(Ryuken-Kai, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 19:22, 1 reply)

Shockers
Working on a big outdoor arts event in birmingham, about 15 years ago, I set out to find some lunch for my crew. It was sunday and everywhere around the site was shut. Kept looking and finally found a little corner shop open.

All I could get my hands on was a sorry assortment of biscuits, sweets and crisps. All were mysterious crap brands. One thing that caught my eye was packets of 'Shockers' "Four licorice flavour gumballs, which ones the shocker" Bought a packet each for everyones desert.

Back at base after our hearty meal our game of gumball russian roulette begins.

Taking it in turns to chomp on the gumballs we speculate on what the shock might be

Could it maybe be really hot?
Or really sour?
Oh hang on, has it made my tongue blue?

Three gumballs gone, one left in the packet and so far no shocks.

I bite into it and immediately start to retch uncontrollably

Squinting at the packet I discover that the mystery ingredient is.... Ammonia. Like biting into one of the bleach blocks you get in urinals. Well I have to confess I didn't see that coming, that was indeed quite a shock.

Never saw them on the shelves again either
(lankygingerfool, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 19:11, 3 replies)

Just remembered another. I should start shopping at classier establishments.
Ever been to Netto? It makes Lidl and Aldi look like Harrods.

I bought a loaf of bread for 9p. I didn't expect it to last long. My suspicions were correct. I opened it, and it was mouldy.
( Queen of Cheesecake, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 18:39, 4 replies)

Poor Aldi/Lidl...
.... Are getting a right kicking on here. And now I'm going to put my boot in.
I lived next to stables, and so, in Summer, the whole are was buzzing with flies. Opening a door or window (As you are wont to do on a summers day) meant letting in the winged pests, who would happily buzz around my house annoying the crap out of me. I'm a poor drop out, so when a "friend" pointed out that one of those cheap foreign shops was selling electronic bug zappers for something daft like a fiver, I tought "Wahey! That'll do nicely." I plugged it in, and watched, waiting to see which fly got caught up first. They all ignored it. Dancing around the air in front of me, taunting me. I kept it though, thinking that if I even got one fly with it, I'd be happy. I did hear a crack come from it once, but when I looked, I saw a fly flying away, woozily, from it. Blasted thing.
(Beauty School Drop-out, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 18:03, 1 reply)

Am I...
the only person who finds it amusing that one of the rotating Google ads below 'cheap tat' on the front page is 'get free Primark clothes'?

*irony-ometer explodes*

EDIT: it seems I am.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 17:49, Reply)

your mother
suck it, Trebek
( intesvensk can't recall when I last checked the newsletter, Wed 9 Jan 2008, 17:39, 1 reply)