Bah Humbug
Talk about your miserable bunch of cunts, did anyone have a good time...........
(myohmy, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 13:59, Reply)

Fuck Christmas
Christmas Eve, the pikeys that live two floors above us decide to host the Chav of the Year awards, meaning that there were loads of cunts in our block all pissed up on Pink Lady talking like a Dick Van Dyke take on a yardie, cue massive fight erupting, Old Bill everywhere, aforementioned cunts start throwing stuff at peoples windows, I end up with more ventilation than was necessary at this time of year, I shout at pikeys, she cries, Old Bill nicks me 'cause I called her and her pratt of a boyfriend a pair of cunts.

Merry Christmas, fucking bollocks
(ray bentos, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 13:44, Reply)

And i forgot.......
Not only have I had outrageous lung butter, not really eaten since 21st dec (and still have no appetite), no booze and dodgy presents
But.....
the ultra strong antibiotics have given me the worst watery runs of all time. Its like dysentry. I cant even fart. And there is absolutely no warning.
If you excuse the pun, I am really shitting my self about being back at work this week.
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 10:57, Reply)

Underwear heaven
ingredients:
12 pairs socks, blue, green or any bright colours unsuitable for wearing with work suit,
2 pairs socks with cartoons on them ,
6 pairs boxers,
3 pairs hideously tight looking "male hipster pants"
2 pairs pajamas,
1 fake smile,

Open all on Christmas morning giving them time to breathe, smile widely and lovingly at all relatives involved whilst remembering to add 'Undies' to your Christmas wish list next year in case someone forgets
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Tue 4 Jan 2005, 9:33, Reply)

Xmas good and bad
I had a the best and worst xmas this year for a long while. Started out brilliant, went to see the in-laws who I get on great with, feeling a bit coldy but ok. Meet up with wifeys cousin who is mental but a top laugh and her hubby and we have good fun in the pub until (rather diappointingly) we get chucked out for being too fun. Go home looking fwd to a jolly Xmas day. Wake up and 5 in the morning feeling like sheer hell in a handbasket. Flu. Can't move, but struggle out of bed for pressie opening as want to see wifeys face when she see the excellent pressies I got her. Did all that and even ate dinner despite feeling like I wanted to crap my lungs out of my arse. Thought I was feeling better and had a fun night doing a murder mystery, interacting with the wifes family as a Roman from Barnsley... Wake up on Boxing day feeling worse, but I am not alone, the whole house now has the flu and it's down to either me or the other guest who has it. Whole day is a write-off apart from dad-in-law firing a rocket in the field next door - way cool! Wake up following day feeling much better and ready to get pissed. Everyone else is minging with cold/flu including wifey and I and the other sickee are feeling rather guilty. Last reports from home are that they are all still sick and it's now January. Arse crackers.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 9:15, Reply)

car crash and mentalists
laaaast christmas was the one of evil. in october i was in a major car crash where i broke my pelvis in four places, the break messed up the blood flow in my body and a blood clot travelled into my lung.
after being in hospital for fucking ages because of my pelvis (and whilst being there being given two morphine overdoses, each nearly killed me), i came home on a drug called warfarin, to thin my blood, this made me haemorrhage at christmas time, i went into hospital where i lost in total two thirds of the blood in my body.
a couple of days before christmas, i'm sitting in hospital in and of conciousness due to blood loss, the curtain pulls back and reveals, HURRAY, my two time post op transexual MENTAL crazy father. oh joy.
when i come home for christmas (just), he proceeds to not talk to me for a week because i didn't go with him and the family to london on a train to see phantom of the opera stageshowness, which he had bought us all tickets for.
despite the fact i still couldn't actually walk. hurray.
incidently, just after christmas it snowed, i ventured out for the first time in ages, slipped on the ice and broke my wrist and elbow, which both swelled up massively because of the drugs. and then i broke my knee, and had it operated on. all just festive and fun reeeeally.... sorry for length
(gretelvonguhtts, Tue 4 Jan 2005, 4:32, Reply)

Hubert Mullet's christmas nightmare
sounds remarkably like the one my missus and sprog enjoyed manning the tea urn with no power on christmas day. Maybe even the same bunch of thieving pikeys with a white transit van.
( High Lord Phanty, Mon 3 Jan 2005, 23:42, Reply)

Shit Christmas
Apart from the usual family stress of who is going where on christmas day for lunch (cue threats of suicide from inlaws, a highly matriarcal family, if the whole deal is not on their terms entirely), and the stress of working myself to the verge of a nervous breakdown for my employers at such a busy time as they told me I couldnt recruit to cover my vacancies, I contracted a respiritory infection on the 21st caused by the broken ribs I sustained in a work related accident at Halloween.

I left work at lunch time on the 24th and have been signed off since then.

I have spent almost all of Christmas and New Year sleeping & felling like shit, ate next to nothing, coughed up enough lung butter to make a TB sufferer feel like a fraud, and I haven't drank anything since the 17th of Dec!
And my pressents were crap (esp Inlaws token gift)
Bastard bastard bastard!
( Fire & Forget it's the only way to be sure, Mon 3 Jan 2005, 22:52, Reply)

work smirk
i spent this christmas employed as teh co-ordinater for a charity which runs a three day event for homeless/disadvantaged folk in our home town.so far so good you think.
Christmas day...one serious fight between a smacktard and an alky,one of my fellow workers almost got hifingers broken while we were breaking up the fight.A big tribe of pikeys turned up and proceeded to strip the clothing store of all the good stuff meant for the needy so they could sell it no doubt.another junky od'd at the dinner table,much panic and doctor involvment.pikey's kid platoon raised hell by throwing fruit at innocent bystanders and three cups of hot cofee over a volunteer.A full ste of syringe and neeedle was found in the gent's bog.the power failed 3 times the cook for boxing day was ill so had to go home and sit on the toilet for the next 3 days.boxing day the boiler failed so had to call in the manager of the building..He was NOT happy.27th local yobbos spread half of the contents of an 18 cubic yard rubbish skip all over the car pak and it took me and two mates three hours to clear the filth up.
And it could have been plain sailing!!!
hahaha jibber tweet burble.
Still i'll do it all again next year i guess.
watermelon me i must be some kind of a cranberrying saint.
p.s sorry for legnht but i gotta vent at some watermeloner
(hubert mullet, Mon 3 Jan 2005, 13:06, Reply)

no real nightmares for me
I don't recall any Christmas nightmares...but I do remember one year getting a new Barbie and My Little Pony with a note from Santa declaring that "If you cut the hair on these two, you will never get another one again" (see I had made it a habit of giving them their own new, horrible hair dos)...I never did cut their hair again.

And also one year when I was about 8 or 9, I had measles for Thanksgiving and chicken pox for Christmas (woo hoo).

This year I'm just sick-have been for the last couple of weeks. No insurance or extra cash so I don't know what it is and won't be going to the doctor.
(Sinister, baby is waiting for ffej..., Mon 3 Jan 2005, 6:20, Reply)

Revenge of the lurgy!
What is it with Christmas and illness? I was really looking forward to time with the other half, who had been working solidly for weeks. We had got engaged and had a fabuliferous plan to tell both families over Christmas, as it's the only time everyone's together.
A few days before Christmas we are both struck down with some nasty virus, which meant much sofa time with neither of us wanting to get up and procure food. It was all looking like we'd spend the holiday in our cold, miserable flat starving to death.
However, blokie got well enough to drive to my parents. Yippee! His neice got chicken pocks. I've never sodding had it. Arse. So our wonderful plan was scuppered and we had to trawl around the home counties giving people the glad nuptial tidings individually and asking them to keep it a secret (cue the one upmanship we had wanted to avoid).
Oh well. Everyone's happy in the end. Had a great crimbo. But......The man gets ill the instant we get back home and spends his well deserved week off feeling shite. SO we had to cancel our New Year party. Pants. And big ones at that.
(Supernatural Jelly Window, Mon 3 Jan 2005, 1:49, Reply)

Xmas is a week before new years day...
which is when your fucking girlfriend tells your entire circle of fucking friends and family that you've promised (under duress) as a new years resolution to give up smoking...its that or marriage.

So now every xmas will now become a reminder of a how I was happy once.

the world is a cunt and so is xmas.

48 hours without nicotine. cunt fuck fucking fuckerry
(notatoosyet, Sun 2 Jan 2005, 16:29, Reply)

How to piss off the g/friend & her family...
I'm not an xmas person, and this year having been forced to work til 8pm by uncaring miserable bastards who pretend to be managers (told in November, oh you don't need to use up those 4 hours of holiday on xmas eve, we'll all be finishing at 4!) I was in a real pisser of a mood all throughout xmas day itself. When talking about presents I muttered 'I hope nobodies bought me any tat, the last thing I need is some useless crap thats going to gather dust blah blah blah' and the g/friend had bought me some tat, and so she was upset and thought that i didn't like the present before I even opened. Then she knocked something off the side which I tried to catch and which smashed, hurting my wrist and then she blamed me, so I let rip with a large rant full of expletives, which didn't impress her folks, so i spent the rest of the day drinking and slumped in front of the telly. Wasn't the vicar of Dibly shit btw, and why did they replace dawn french with a baby elephant?
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sun 2 Jan 2005, 13:56, Reply)

They stopped the swearing
And what's more, I had to eat a whole steaming bowlful of watermelon.
(Turnipton, Sat 1 Jan 2005, 22:43, Reply)

Erm....
Apologies for the length.
( Black Moon Not cracked, I'm all up to be., Sat 1 Jan 2005, 22:10, Reply)

this year has to be the worst...
well, me deciding in a moment of teenage randomness that i hated christmas on christmas eve, i then refused to get out of bed (which was very bah humbug cos no one was allowed to open presents until i woke up.) i let them sweat it out for a few hours, while i lay in bed watching a cartoon about a polar bear. to my dismay, everyone had opened their presents by the time i got downstairs, foiling my evil plan.

quite sadly, my best present was from my little neice, who got me a carebear sweat band. when i say 'little', shes actually 14.

the only siblings i like either live miles away or are quite selfishly in rehab.

and to top it all off, iv had to spend the last few weeks listening to my mum cursing every time she sets off a tacky interactive christmas decoration.
(PAMPAMPAM, Sat 1 Jan 2005, 15:11, Reply)

Xmas Dinner
Not quite a 'worst thingy ever' post, more a 'watermelon all your traditions' post....

I watermeloning hate turkey - dull bland tasteless shite meat. So this year Mrs ZenMaster says 'Xmas dinner then oh Infinite, wotcha want?' and I replies 'ham egg & chips'. And that's what we had.

Top drawer ham, eggs with yolks two inches across, sauteed spuds and stuffing balls which are incidentally watermeloning ace with eggy yolky tasty yum. I has a spicy beanburger from Tesco in there too, and a beer.

Tuirkey my dead dogs' danglies, this was the business - and washing up took ooh ten minutes as opposed to 'until mid February'.

Otherwise Christmas is a pain in the cock with the exception of making sure my little boy has a great time.

Shouldn't sound as cynical as it does, length, girth and duration etc.

Cheers
(InfiniteZenMaster, Fri 31 Dec 2004, 22:30, Reply)

Good and bad
Few weeks before xmas my girlfriend came home with a cat. Merry christmas, got you a cat. Oh great, hate animals. I got used to the big gay cat demanding attention and even loved the bugger. Then on xmas eve he decided he wanted out with me, so out we went. Turned my back for 5 seconds........ Gone, no cat, legged it. Had to go back in and tell girlfriend I'd just lost her present to me. Bugger still hasn't came back and the local cat homes and stuff haven't picked him up either.

All his toys are still here which is just prolonging the agony. Though at least he doesn't sleep on my feet now and destroy the walls with his claws.

Now if I can just take the hamster for a walk....
(Billy Sastard, Fri 31 Dec 2004, 12:35, Reply)

My Christmas Nightmare
A few years ago, I came down with this complete nightmare of a flu bug just before Christmas, Christmas Eve being it's worse point - I couldn't move, my stepdad had to carry me to bed (I was 15, for christ's sake), it was awful.
Anyway, I went to sleep about 10pm on the 23rd, and didn't wake up until about 8pm on Christmas Eve (22 hours sleep!). My parents kept checking me to see if I was OK (not dead or anything...), but when I woke up I was sodden through with sweat (if I'd have wet myself it would have been even worse, but I'd not drunk anything for 24 hours so it can't have been that!), and my stepdad had to bath me, cos I wasn't capable myself, I think my stepdad was more embarrassed than I was...

Christmas Day was spent in a corner of the living room in a sleeping bag opening presents given to me at arm's length by my folks. That bit of Christmas being all the family together definitely wasn't on the cards that day!

Thing was, by Boxing Day I was fine, I must have sweated the thing out. Odd.

Daft thing is, ever since then I've been always been getting colds over the holiday period, and I've got one now. Damn it.

Apologies for length...
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 31 Dec 2004, 11:25, Reply)

Another one for the 'Flu' here...
Both me and t'missus were full of cold/flu this year. Didn't stop her doing a full dinner, blass 'er, even though nobody could actually eat their portion.

Couldn't be bothered to play happy so I tried to snooze after the meal - failed at that. Nobody could really be bothered with it this year, Missus spent ages choosing prezzies for her side of the family only for them to go "oh yeah, thanks.. what is it?" and so on.

My side of the family are all skint this year, so the pressies were kinda desperate. Got my bruv a Weeble clock, then realised I'd better throw some choc in there too or it's gonna be a bloody boring Christmas. And it turns out it was anyway, GAH!

Mum did suprisingly well out of it this year tho - which was nice.
( Biggus Dickus , it was like that when I found it, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 23:17, Reply)

my christmas this year sucked big fat hairy donkey balls
I woke up at 2am on christmas eve with the flu, I had to go into work to drop off the keys at 7 then I went home and went back to bed.
I woke up for about an hour every four hours for the next three days, during which time I managed to heroically haul myself over to my PC and look at b3ta.
I finally opened my solitary present (a mug) on boxing day at about 6pm

what a Christmas
( MrSanity has maybe kicked the WoW habit forever, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 22:21, Reply)

Best yet....somehow.
I hate Christmas with a passion. Conmercialism, forced to see family etc etc.
This year me and wifey broke up in November so I thought, watermelon it, I'm not doing Christmas. Explained to all my friends that they wouldn't get cards and shit this year. Somehow, by not doing the whole Christmas thing this year has been much easier and to top it off i'm loads better off financially.
Woo Yay!!!

btw, whats with the swear filter?
(MrJelly, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 17:44, Reply)

I don't do Christmas any more
Don't even put up decorations or a tree. Ever since the HB's disorganised, dysfunctional 3 children all got married and reproduced the next strain of horrible, badly behaved, never disciplined kids themselves, I decided Christmas was off the calender forever. This meant that my own family suffered with the "no presents" syndrome but I make it up to them on their birthdays. They understand exactly why as well. When HB's offspring told me they didn't know what they were doing but just turned up here unnanounced over the holidays expecting expensive presents, I'd had enough. Every year HB says he's going to give the grandchildren "cheques" but as I refuse to write them they never get any. We went to Weymouth this year instead from 27th-30th to ensure we weren't at the house if they turned up unnanounced, which they would do anyway. Don't you think that's rude ? I'd never even go to my own mother without phoning or making arrangements first. Luckily other relatives all fight over the grandkids xmas day/boxing day so we are 99% sure they won't turn up here. We ensure we go out over new year so the problem is solved.

Will someone please tell me what Christmas is anyway ?? I now save about £1500 not doing it and we have a nice 2-week holiday in February to the Caribbean instead. HB said he'd put up the Christmas tree midsummer and have a massive BBQ, the kids can run around outside my child-unfriendly house and hopefully poison themselves on eating toadstools in the woods next door.

F*ck Christmas, it's all b*llocks.
( Tiggy the diver, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 17:17, Reply)

1st xmas with my folks...
...after 3 years with "her". (Not my words, I stole them off someone further down). True though. It was nice. My favourite bit was my new all time top xmas moment.
Picture the scene:
Me, mum, dad and gran (maternal gran, posh, 84 years young, deaf) all watching xmas celeb millionairre.

Question: Where was Martin Luther King born?
c: Atlanta d: somewhere else

me: Somewhere else
mum: Somewhere else
gran: *mutters like a mad old woman*
dad: *snore*

Tarrant: That's right it's atlanta! You've won 8 quid. hu hu hu hu. marvellous.

gran: (shouting) I KNEW IT WAS ATLANTA. WHEN WE WENT, I REMEMBER IT. IT WAS FULL OF THE BLACKS.

Bless. I'm still laughing now.
( Tone Depear fucking rocks, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 14:45, Reply)

The Da Vinci Code
It was present opening time and my wife was squeezing a book shaped prezie I had just given her.
"It is The Da Vinci Code?" she asks me.
"No, I was going to get you that, but it got terrible reviews on Amazon.co.uk" I replied "It seems its realy crap, poor navative, badly written, full of factual errors and only liked by non-readers and Americas" I continued.

You can guess what she bought me...

I didn't know where to watermeloning look!

P.S. I think the sware filter encourages me to sware more!
(NiceButDim it wasn't me, Thu 30 Dec 2004, 13:51, Reply)

This year was ok...
we didn't argue much, sister being a bit of a bitch but then she should be tolerated because seh's spending the Academic year in Germany (3rd year Uni Student) so I don't have to put up with her :)

I'm chilled, i've grown up a lot since i went to uni (just finished first semester of first year), and I decided not to eat a lot this year :)

plus, we didn't play scrabble. We normally do, and it disintegrates into a "who can get the longest and most erudite word" competition (i know thats part of the game, but it gets past the point where it is fun)
( mr_wicksy is.... old., Thu 30 Dec 2004, 11:34, Reply)

Some traditons should be broken.
I hate Christmas. My brother started planning before Halloween, that I would be at his new place for Xmas. When December comes, my feeling of dread begins. I start the card sending, baking, shopping, making of gifts and preparation. The goddam awful Xmas week comes and the carnage begins. I win $50 from the work party but the next day my vaccuum breaks and I have hurt my lower back. I have a cough, bad combination.
I arrive at my brother's new place, 'starts out fine. He ends up being morose, mean-spirited, dredges up past grievances, placing the blame for just about anything on anyone but him. When he kicked his old, sick cat out of his way, I nearly lost it. He continues his hardcore, intense behaviour until everybody is uncomfortable. I went home later with that familiar feeling again. ("I'm staying home next Xmas. I will not be available.")
For this weeks holiday off work, I have bronchitis, barking every few minutes. I'm hanging for a smoke, my head is swimming. I hate Christmas. I hate it more every year. My Dad died when I was 12, on Dec 19th. My Mum went into the Alzheimer's ward at the home, two Christmas's ago. My brother spoils almost every Christmas with his assholic behaviour.
I am normally the most cheerfull, easygoing, laidback person you'll ever meet but this time of year it's sheer hell. Some traditions should be broken. Maybe I'll just have another Halloween next year on Dec. 25th. Oh yeah! I'm feeling better already! I'm actually smiling right now....and this ciggy-butt tastes wonderful.
(OGH, Wed 29 Dec 2004, 22:30, Reply)

Worst Pressie ever
1991 - back with parents after 3 years living with "her" (their words).
Trot downstairs on xmas morning and find a present addressed to me stuffed through the letterbox.
Open it - in front of deeply religious extended family - and the present falls from the wrapping onto the living room floor.
It's a porn mag, which flops open to a picture of Heidi enjoying Hans, with "remember me?" crudely tippexed across the top.
Thanks Judith. Sorry family.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Wed 29 Dec 2004, 22:09, Reply)

Being forced...
....to watch the Queen's Speech. No offence family, but I'm glad I moved out.

Plus Monopoly every year; we had to get me gran into the spirit of things - we let her be the banker. Only prob was she was crud with numbers. So if you landed on Mayfair, you were not as bad off as landing on Old Kent Road. Made no sense.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 29 Dec 2004, 17:53, Reply)