Con-adian Pennies
A few years ago, when an American dollar was worth about $1.30 Canadian, I had the bright idea to pay for items here in the U.S. with exact change, but using one Canadian penny instead of a U.S. one in each purchase, since they look nearly the same, thereby profitting about 3/10 of a cent with each purchase. Of course, I didn't have an unlimited supply of Canadian pennies, so I'm sure I made less than 5 cents in total. And now the Canadian pennies are worth more than the U.S. ones anyway...
(chase, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 19:28, Reply)

Legless reminded me of this
Back in high school, the canteen ran a promotion at easter on Cadbury's Mini-Eggs - buy the big bag (RRP £1.something, sold for £2.50), get a scratchcard with the chance to win things like iPods, cheap hifis, etc.

Friend distracted the sweet old lady at the till with sweet talk while I nicked the whole box of scratchcards.

There must've been 2000 in there, and not a single one was a winner.

Dunno who got conned there, really.
(kimini touches your shoulder gently on, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 19:02, Reply)

Special kid con
I nearly got conned out of a fiver by a young lad with downs. I kindly offered to have a game of pool with him after which he grabbed the cues and the white ball, handed them over the bar and got my £5 deposit. Took me fucking ages to chase him round the pub and get it back. His parents chose to just laugh, brilliant. Probably makes a fortune out of it cos people don't want to make a fuss, little bastard.
(el perro grande, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 18:59, Reply)

Food Photography
I've had the, uh, "good fortune" to work with some food photographers, and was privy to some of the tricks they used. (Yes, those pictures on the front of your Totally Authentic Indian Meal (Made In The EU) are faked! Shock horror!))

Some of the more interesting ones:
The steam rising from the food? A wet, microwaved tampon. Not used, of course.
The mayonnaise appealingly splooging from the sides of the burger? PVC glue.
Wood blocks and wire used to prop things up, ranging from scenery, to the plate, to actual things on the plate.
Pasta placed on a bed of mashed potatoes to make the meal look bigger and fuller.
The oily, glistening sheen over meat? Sprayed on glycerine – though, this is understandable, as food left under 1200w worth of lighting does dry out quickly.
Another understandable one is wood glue substituted for milk when photographing cereal – it doesn’t make it go soggy.

Probably the biggest con of all is that a lot of the time, the food being photographed isn’t actually from the factory, but prepared fresh on set by a food stylist, with the best ingredients.
(kimini touches your shoulder gently on, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 18:46, 2 replies)

Hey! Leyxia's the xkcd black hat guy!

( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 24 Oct 2007, 18:39, 9 replies)

I was connered
It was late at night
I was lonely
Alright?
And a lonely man, who needs human touch
Who has the right to deny him such?
The bitterness and regret is moist on the face
A Thai man called Supat
Had developed a taste
For closeness regarded as immoral
And a waste
Of penis
Do i mean this
OF course i do mean this
A man loves himself
But is subjected to slander
And when he is alone his hands do... wander
In his pants
He was gay!!!!
Nice man though
Peace out, A Town
(Purple Jessop Jessoping Purple all over your father, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 18:17, 4 replies)

A con- vict?
This man, he wore spectacles,
but what did I expect(ickles)
Not for one as all to stand
And fight and sing and love.
But two as one to masquerade
Get my energy from Lucozade
But thats the commercialism

The man in spectacles, offered me a job
To take the plunge seemed apt
I lunge, react but not to break the pact,
For once I had started I had finished
And this man, my life, was gone,diminished
Me? I'm nought but nothing for the touch of my woman,
All I desired all I crave was the slender fingers
But the man had taken her too, no more was I
To slowly lie
Stare at the sky that was her eyes
For she had gone,the man my friend
Had taken her, the end
OF all that was and ever would be
That mans name- "Nobody"
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 18:08, 2 replies)

conned
big mamma, small mamma
aint we all the same mamma
no mamma
i aint yo mamma
or am i?
i aint
get outta my face
or il put you down
in the ground
cos i fell in love
with a one special girl
but she was the government
she came
ahe left
she took my baybay
never gon trust another government agen
i cant lose another baybay
damn
not another one
damn
(Purple Jessop Jessoping Purple all over your father, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 17:57, 3 replies)

My uncle, bless his soul...
runs this genius scam whereby he tells children he's got sweets and puppies in his car.

If you could only see their faces when they receive a good rogering instead!
(Tip-Top Tomcat but you can call me Tommo, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 17:55, 1 reply)

Double illegal?
I once made some MDMA capsules and sold them to my friends.

They weren't MDMA persay, they were the Batman pills they thought were rubbish crushed up and in capsules.

They thought these were great! I gained all of an extra £10 across the whole lot and everyone thought i was the nuts!

I still feel genuinely bad about the lowness of my stoop. Sorry boys. You had a bloody great time because of my work though.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Wed 24 Oct 2007, 17:24, 1 reply)

I have taken up a part time hobby,,
As a post-modernist conceptual artist.
I spend one night a week in Hoxton Juice Bars talking to people called Quentin, or Jocasta in a loud voice about post modernist surrealism. I also submit highly questionable objects to the Tate Modern to be entered for the Turner Prize.
Last year I wrote my name in Semen on a leopard's forehead, and displayed it under a single anglepoise lamp.
The year before, I filled a jam jar with my nasal detritus over a year and submitted that. I called it "A celebration of brutalist architecture in a post modernist cold war", or "Money for Old Rope" to give it it's shortened title.
(Vic Flange, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 14:50, 10 replies)

A few more eBay tidbits...
Alright folks. I know you'll call me a cunt and all, but maybe this will help you avoid some scams in the future. After all, if I ripped any of you lovely people off I might just feel a little bad...

Paypal - It's fucking retarded. Deadset retarded. The system itself is infinitely useful but their 'security and investigations' are even more lax than eBay.
If there's a dispute, they'll do one of two things.
If the seller can provide proof of postage, they'll side with them. Doesn't matter what the nature of the dispute is, even if it's the item arrived broken or what not. If you can prove you sent it and just claim it was as described, you're in the clear. They leave item-description related disputes up to eBay.

Conversely if you CANNOT provide proof of postage, they side with the seller. No ifs, buts or maybes whatsoever.
More importantly, once they've chosen a side they'll either instruct eBay to remove any negative feedback the buyer has left, or Automatically reverse the transaction if siding with the buyer.

So, if you're a buyer and you've bought something quite nice and paid through paypal, SPECIFICALLY MAKE SURE you don't get registered/insured/tracked posted. Then a week or so after your good has arrived, send some nasty emails to the seller asking for a refund or proof of postage. When they refuse, chances are they don't have proof. File a dispute with Paypal, and when the seller can't prove they've sent anything voila money's back in your account.

Now, when you're a seller...
Send them an item. Not THE item. An item. Of approximate weight. Get the item registered, so you get a detailed reciept detailing weight, when it was sent, and when it arrived and was signed for.
Sure the buyer might file a dispute with paypal after you ignore their whinging emails, but when asked to provide proof you've got a very detailed reciept. Chump-buyer will claim you mailed them a brick or a dead rabbit or something sure, but Paypal does not want to know about it

Basically, if you're a buyer paying through paypal, demand registered post. It's a must or you're asking for trouble. Then, videotape yourself opening the parcel if it's something worth scamming someone for.

If you're a seller, just make registered postage a part of the deal. Even if you need to jack the price a little.
(Leyxia, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 14:29, 13 replies)

hazelkenny..
Busking? Living in a caravan? funny how you can afford a computer and internet connection.

Also, that thing about not finding work is bollocks. If you can find it in you to sit on the ground strumming a broken guitar and taking pennies from strangers, then you can find work.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 14:09, 19 replies)

I may have mentioned my dad before . . .
But he really is stupid. Way back when I was but a kiddy he decided to divorce my mum on the grounds she was a raging nutter. As he 'doesn't like trouble' he just moved out and signed over the house to my mum, the solicitors stating it was for the best as she had the kiddies. It was soon found my mum was not only a nutter but a raging alcoholic to boot so we were taken out of her care and put in his, but SHE STILL KEPT THE HOUSE. Whilst I lived with my nana and he was living with his sister and my brother, Alki Mum lived it up in a 3 bed in a posh part of Cornwall (there is one, you see).

And that's how a pissed up old bitch conned my dad out of a very nice house.

My dad then became friendly with his cousin who has lots and lots of money and thinks he's a bit wide, the cousin then 'gives' my dad the down payment for his new house (not my new house mind, I live in a cupboard at my partner's parents house as baliffs piss me off) but keeps demanding 'favours' in return, meaning my dad pays him a shit load of money, gave him my car as a payment and has to run the many miles to the Lake District all the time to fix stuff for him and his friends (my dad is a lecky)

My dad really is a tit.
(missc, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 13:54, Reply)

street people
never bothered to post before but some of these answers have really got my goat.
just to redress the balance a bit, i busk (badly) in the street for my income right now because i live in an area where the only jobs available are of the middle management/office type and as i combine the two qualities of being highly overqualified for low-end jobs but having no workplace experience since my teens due to being signed off sick for years, i simply cant find any work at all. so i play my guitar in the street with my dog on a bit of string. i often get comments of the "i bet your really rich, bet you live in a palace" type. not to mention the people who kind heartedly buy me dog food (usually tinned food which makes my dog sick) or greggs pasties (im vegan) because if they give me any money i will of course spend it all on crack and starve my dog.not that im ungrateful, its the implicit assumption i object to. so to set the record stright, i live in a 20 year old caravan in a field,not a palace. if i want to keep warm i have to go out and collect wood for my stove, if i want to poo i have to go and dig a hole, and i get a large percentage of my food out of skips. dont get me wrong, i love my lifestyle, my time is my own, its incredibly cheap, environmentally sound, and the world is my backyard but its not an easy ride.
for every smackhead and scam artist there are loads of others like me who struggle to find work in todays competitive job market. the prejudice in some of the QOTW answers to this question would be unacceptable if it was aimed at a racial or religious group of people.
one more thing, would you rather someone asked for your money or went out robbing people? you dont have to give anything to beggars but you dont get a say if you get mugged and lets face it the war on drugs aint gonna be won any time soon, addicts are a fact of modern life. sorry to rant, just couldnt let it lie.
(hazelkenny, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 13:39, 31 replies)

US Punnage story reminded me
of the infamous London Bridge episode.

I'm not sure of the exact details, but here's some paraphrasing.

Apparently an American millionare heard that London Bridge was being demolished and rebuilt. So he thought he'd buy it. Unfortunately, he didn't do his research and thought he was buying Tower Bridge. The GLC didn't see fit to correct him and he took delivery of a somewhat unremarkable concrete road bridge, which is now spanning some lake in Arizona somewhere.
( Kroney, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 13:18, 2 replies)

Royal Mail
Back when I was a nipper (and the Internet was a relatively new thing to me) myself and a friend may or may not (we where) of been looking at pictures of women-not-wearing-all-that-much on teh interwebz. Anyway we printed a picture or two off and I had this great idea of posting one to a friend so his parents would see it and get all annoyed with him. So I folded over the picture and drew a picture of the queens head in the top corner with a box round it (just like a stamp) write his address on it, and then popped it in the post box.
A few days later I talk to the intended recipient of the picture and he says that he got it (W00t!!!!) and he says he is not impressed bla bla bla and that they got a little note with along with their post as well says that they owe royal mail £0.xx pence for postage cost. Anyway they didn't pay it and we got free postage so take that royal mail!!

Try it out for yourself, not sure if it would work now-a-days though.

Size? stamps are not really all that big.

EDIT: Also when I used to buy chew bars from the sweet shop I made sure I always had one on top of the other so that I got two for one every time, wooooooooooo!
(Rt Hon Quargflax, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 12:22, 1 reply)

dave
About a year back I was invited to a jolly in a formet soviet republic. Anyways, I seen this guy who I work with on Mayfair called Ramtin coming out of a brothel in Skopje, and he said he was all surprised, looked embaressed, red in the face, got his end away etc. I go in to this place and I see a decent (for a Macedonian) looking bird to whom I give fifty of my finest gold to. I ram her in the 'tang, and then i digged her in the head and ran off and bought new pants with afore-mentioned gold. Yessssssss, gerrin I thought, them me and Ramtin tuck some drugs
(Purple Jessop Jessoping Purple all over your father, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 12:15, 3 replies)

not quite so legal minicabs
we tend to look for the drivers wearing sandals.

they cant run so fast when we bolt.

they are generally illegal anyway, so

BOVVERED
(magictorch, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 12:01, 1 reply)

Can't help it
I can't help but feel conned by those people on B3ta who have such great usernames, but then post absolute drivel on QOTW.

Did they use all their imagination on just the one word?

I know it's a gripe, but it's small and efficient!
(Jugular, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 12:01, 9 replies)

Fantastic US punnery
Sadly I've lost the JPEG of the scanned original newspaper article, but in summary (and apols if already done)...

An American salesman was suing his company for misrepresentation and various other things, for the following reason. For months his sales manager had verbally promised whoever was the best salesman by Christmas a Toyota.

This guy had gone all out: weekends, overtime, the lot. Lo and behold, Christmas came and he was indeed the best salesman. He'd gone to claim his prize, and was presented with

...a toy Yoda.

Utter, utter class - and a true story (or at least it made the papers in the US).

***EDIT SEE REPLY FOR LINK TO ARTICLE (I nearly remembered it right!)***
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 10:07, 4 replies)

My mother conned me
We were playing the card game "Strip-Jack-Naked", and she offered to shuffle while I went to the loo.
I came back, and she had an unprecedented good streak of luck, seeming to have all of the highest-scoring cards in her pack!

It turns out she *did* have all the highest-scoring cards in her pack. She'd put them all there while I was peeing.

And the worst thing?

I was 5 years old.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 9:56, Reply)

High Street Burger Bar Pictures.
I was in such an establishment the other week and thought I'd treat myself to a greasefest for lunch.
The picture above the till showed a thick, juicy burger with a large rasher of smoked bacon, thick slice of melted cheese and dripping out of the side, a chunk of tasty relish, all garnished in a veritable landslide of fries, so I parted with my £7.45

What I got was a sad, joyless slither of beef which was probably the finest cut from the scrotum, what looked like a strip of my granny's buttocks deep-fried in old chip fat but which actually turned out to be very sorry looking bacon, a slice of cheese which bore no earthly resemblance to any cheese I had ever seen, and on lifting the burger bun found the relish masquerading as something which looked like a smear test.

I could've counted the fries on the fingers of 2 hands.

I tried remonstrating with the staff that their advert was misrepresenting the final product, but there was no point. The poor sod behind the counter probably took home in a week what I take home in a day, I had no wish to make his day even less palatable.

I suppose you could argue both he and I were being ripped off.
(Vic Flange, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 9:27, 7 replies)

How to stop biting your nails
Don't know if this is an urban myth, but it's quite good.

An advert would appear in the local paper for a guaranteed solution to nail-biting misery. Send £5 to PO Box 12345, blah blah blah.

A few days later, an envelope would arrive in which was a piece of paper with the legend "Keep your hands in your pockets".

Honest, effective and easy.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 9:10, 1 reply)

Fabulous World Atlas
Many years ago, my dad once sent away for one of those offers that come in Sunday papers - not the Reader's Digest but the same idea - for something or other which came with a free gift of a "Fabulous Leather-Bound World Atlas".

So off went the claim and back came, to be fair, a leather bound world atlas. However, the dimensions and content of the tome were rather meagre, to say the least and it could not really be described as fabulous. It measured about 9 x 6 cm, had 8 pages and was covered with a very thin skin of purple coloured pseudo-hide.

It was at least free though (well, included with whatever the hell else it was he had to buy to get it), and gave us a lot of laughs.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 24 Oct 2007, 9:06, Reply)