some one told me that a b was funny some times

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 19:56, Reply)

www.bartleby.com/108/
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 19:54, 4 replies)

TIME CUBE!
TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE TIME CUBE

Time Cube.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 19:51, 9 replies)

It was late 2002.
I had not long moved away from the bar where I had lived and worked in the west end, but had returned to my old haunt like a dog returns to its vomit. I had bought a beer and sat in the window, watching the world drift past down oxford street, because, sooner or later, everything in the world will drift down oxford street. I wished it was summer, mostly for the bikinis.

I didn't really notice the man when he came in. He was wearing a suit and glasses and had short neat hair. He walked to the bar and stood next to me and bought three pints of inexpensive bitter. He was alone. The man left his bitter on the bar and walked back outside.

He came back after a few seconds. He was not alone this time. He had, in his company, a tramp. He led the tramp to the bar and stood him next to me, by the three pints of inexpensive bitter. He advised the tramp to 'get those down him', turned on his heel and walked straight back out. The tramp picked up and sipped at a pint of bitter. I tried to ignore the tramp, but his smell was distracting. I kept half-turning my head, looking away from the window. I began to worry that I might miss an unseasonal christmas bikini. The tramp chatted to the people around him. The conversations were short, as everyone walked away from him because he stank and was a tramp.

"Excuse me".
Oh great, my turn. I turned to face him. He was quite young, maybe a few years short of thirty, with watery grey eyes.
"Yeah"
"Have you seen this?"
I looked at what he offered in his outstreached hand. It was a biography of Diana, Princess of Wales.
"That's my book!", he said
"It's, er, nice. Do you mean 'your book' in the sense that you wrote it?". I mean, hey, you never know, right?
"No. But you like it?"
"It's ok, I suppose"
"It's a very special book"
"How so?"
"It's the book they talk to me with"
I backed away as well as I could, what with being against the window and all. "They"? "Talk"? "How"?
"From space"

Oh great.

"'They' talk to you from space? Using a bigraphy of Diana, Princess of Wales?"
"They use the book. They use it to try and get into my head and control me"
"Why would they want to do that?"
"Because they came and took me and put the all controls to all the nuclear weapons in the world in my head and they want to use me to set them off and destroy the world but I won't do it nono I won't do it no I'm good and I'm nice"
"Give me the book. I'll throw it away"
"You can't have the book. It's my book"
"But, er, destroying the world?"
"MY BOOK!"
"But if you throw it away you save the human race from certain doom"
"They can't. They won't. I won't let them"

Yorkie, one of my former colleagues, was the other side of the bar, watching, arms crossed. He gestured with his eyes and I distracted the tramp and Yorkie threw his bitter down the sink with a swift, clean action, then strode around the bar to stand the other side of him. He gestured again, and we grabbed him each by an armpit, and threw him out the door.

Yorkie pointed down the road and told him to piss off and not come back. I sniffed my fingers. They stank. My boot hit something on the way back in. It was the biography of Diana, Princess of Wales, which he'd dropped unnoticed. It was brand new and in off-the-shelf condition. The tramp had vanished down the road, and hadn't missed his prized possession. I handed it to Yorkie. He threw it and it arced into a nearby bin.

I am certain that at that moment, in a bunker in Siberia, Vladimir Putin slammed his fist into his desk and cried 'CURSES', as he sat in front of a screen with all numbers running across it.

I can't prove it, obviously.
(cs1ca, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 19:47, 4 replies)

"The Promise" by Girls Aloud has a very cryptic message hidden in it.
This revelation came to me when the song was in the charts, I worked 12-hour shifts and the local radio station was apparently playing it every hour 24/7. My reasoning ran something like this:

* The chorus has a train-like rhythm, "pro-mise-to-me pro-mise-to-me / pro-mise-to-me pro-mise-to-me".
* In Morse code, this is .... / .... / .... / .... (H H H H).
* HHH in World War I era radio signals means "halt".
* The rhythm and the Morse code translation suggest a train moving forward but halting as well. Reversing?
* Where on the rail network, apart from the end of a line, does every single incoming train reverse to leave?
* Castleford.

Therefore, "The Promise" has a hidden message related to Castleford. Buggered if I know what that message is though. Probably something banal like "don't work anywhere where you can't escape from Ridings FM".
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 19:25, 3 replies)

I rather enjoyed stories about this fellow a few years back:
John Searle, inventor of a supposed anti-gravity free energy generator. Of course nobody believes him, because "conventional scientists" are such silly stick in the muds...

www.searlsolution.com/
( Moon Girl Technologies horrendous beanbag, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:57, 5 replies)

Jet engine contrails
Seriously, do they need to be that long?
(Zachariah Pardon, pardon. J'AI UNE POUSSETTE, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:54, 1 reply)

Conspiracy theories
Margaret Thatcher was a CIA plant.

"Cons piracy she tories" is a devilishly cunning anagram of 'conspiracy theories'.

EDIT: nearly
(roysin, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:35, 1 reply)

Do you want to know how they make Turkish Delight?
Alright, I'll tell you. They rub dogshit on leather (©"The Man In The Pub" - Britain's Most Ill-informed Columnist).
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:35, Reply)

Now, if it's a real conspiracy you want:
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-east-wales-15981541
Allegedly.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:14, Reply)

The '9/11 Truth' conspiracy theory
is a conspiracy to get everyone to use American date order.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:10, 1 reply)

I've just stumbled across this, and don't want to spoil the surprise, so click away
Click Here

It's pure gold.
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 18:06, 8 replies)

There's no such thing as mongs...
...just kids that really want a free trip to Disneyland.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 17:52, Reply)

Did Morrissey predict the death of Princess Diana?
Well, no, obviously not. But for a much, much longer and less sane answer go here.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 17:43, Reply)

The Con of course:
Most people are trying to make the world more boring and ugly.
They do not realize that they are doing this, so this isn't a conspiracy in the sense that folks are aware that they're conspiring, it's something that they've been duped into doing to themselves and others so it's anybody's guess who or what is at the top.
(Smoked Oysters Yes, magick helmet! And I will give you a sample!, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 17:29, Reply)

Rihanna's "Umbrella" is an hommage to the devil
This isn't my theory, it's something that I saw on t'web. Stunning (not in a good way). vigilantcitizen.com/musicbusiness/occult-and-prophetic-messages-in-rihannas-umbrella/
( parttimebabe is almost there..., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 17:28, 2 replies)

Cameron is a lizard
David Icke seems to think so and Charlie Brooker agrees so it must be true.
(bluehamster, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 17:02, Reply)

I firmly believe that
all conspiracy theories - we didn't go to the moon, 11/9 was an inside job etc etc - are created by THEM in order to quickly identify those of the population who have a working brain. Anybody who believes this shit can safely be ignored; they are no threat to the status quo.

But those of us here on B3ta who are laughing and pointing at the Conspiracy Nuts are actually identifying ourselves as dangerously intelligent. Don't blame me if you wake up with a government ninja inserting a black helicopter up your arse one night...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:50, 3 replies)

Birthers!
I'm a huge anti-fan of those desperate nutters who are still trying to get Obama removed from the White House on account of the fact that he was born in Kenya / Indonesia / cloned in a tank somewhere, then knowingly forged his birth certificate and social security number as part of a communist plot to bring down America.

Just Google 'Orly Taitz', a California dentist who is wasting everybody's time and money trying to prove that Obama's birth certificate is a forgery, when it isn't. I sincerely hopes she never does any work on my teeth.

Of course, the Birthers' hatred of Obama is NOTHING to do with this
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:40, 4 replies)

In the Children in Need 'Perfect Day cover version released a few years ago,
Michael Hutchence, pre-Asphyxiwank, sang the line 'You just keep me hanging on', whilst flailing his arms about as if either dying or orgasming furiously.

All we need now is for Suzanne Vega to be 'accidentally' mauled by tigers (feed animals in the zoo) and Either Tom Jones or M Peoples' Heather Small to be minced by a combined Harvester in a picnic related incident (You're going to reap just what you sow) and I think we'd have conclusive evidence that Lou Reed, Children in Need and the BBC are up to something very sinister indeed.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:36, 2 replies)

Google Earth
is watching you masturbate
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:09, Reply)

9/11 was an inside job
because nobody cared as long as the airplanes remained outside of the towers...
( BringYourOwnParachute Meet me here on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:09, Reply)

Shut that bloody door!


(Is it still a conspiracy if there is irrefutable evidence?)
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:08, Reply)

The fucking freemasons
Many moons ago I became involved with the freemasons. What was I thinking? Well I don't know what I was thinking but I knew very little about it except my uncle was supposedly "Big in the Masons" and he seemed to be pretty successful, rich and care free. I could do with some of that I thought and so got myself roped into the local lodge as the new candidate.

After a couple of years of prancing about and spending a ridiculous amount on various Weapons, Jewels, sashes, gowns and other costumes I pretty much had a handle on what the exactly the point of this secret society was.
But I wouldn't dream of telling any of you lot what it was - Oh no, I'd never do that. The very fabric of modern society might unwind before our very eyes if I were to ever do that.

EDIT: Look they are at it as we speak: messing about with the number of replies - you count them for yourself, what happened to all the missing ones?
They've got a finger in every pie I tell you !!
.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:03, 5 replies)

'They' tell us it's Fenton
I'm still convinced it's Benton
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 16:02, 4 replies)

Hollywood films with an inverted hermeneutic (fairly long post)
You've all seen films with Satan. Either he, or one of his minions, is harassing young women or little girls, getting them to talk dirty and vomit pea soup all over the place while wearing spooky contact lenses. That's the Satan everyone's seen and is yawningly familiar with.

How many of you are aware you've seen literally dozens of depictions of Satan disguised so you wouldn't know you're cheering him on?

For example, the movie The Chronicles of Riddick. The bad guys in the Chronicles of Riddick are the Necromongers. They're a religious order that fly around in crucifix-shaped ships looking for the Underverse. They "crusade" across the star systems telling people they must "convert or die". Their deity is a three-faced trinity. Their leader, the Lord Marshal, has died and been born again and is now neither living nor dead but "something else". They are, in short, Catholics in space with a zombie Jesus figure in charge.

But if they're the bad guys does that mean Riddick is Satan? Yes. Yes it does. Riddick is depicted with the hallmarks of the adversary from various religious traditions.

He is captured and confined to Crematoria (Hell) from whence he must escape for the "day of days" fight with the Lord Marshal (his own words).

He is suspended in Crematoria, just like Satan is said to be suspended perpetually falling into Hell eternally in some traditions and the Lord Marshal even says "your fall will be eternal".

He falls in Crematoria. Satan is a fallen angel, he is always depicted in the inverted hermeneutic as literally falling.

He is destined to fight the Necromongers. Riddick's entire race refused to bow the knee to the Lord Marshal. The Furyans are the fallen rebel angels of Satan.

He is immensely skilled with weapons. In the inverted hermeneutic Satan is always depicted as a skilled fighter due to one of the fallen angels of the Book of Enoch, Azazel, being credited with teaching mankind the art of combat.

He was confined to a pit and is hurt by the light. Riddick was initially imprisoned in a penal mine and had his eyes doctored to see in the dark and is now hurt by the light. Azazel was cast into a pit and buried under rock and is likewise hurt by the light.

He performs a false miracle to come back from the dead. He shields himself with an opponent's body and pretends to be dead, only to come back and haunt the bad guys.

And so on. There's a checklist of attributes of Satan that are used when portraying Satan and if you stick half a dozen up there, those in the know know just who they're watching.

And Riddick is just one example.

Martin Riggs in Lethal Weapon, just like Riddick

Falls when handcuffed to the suicide nut when handcuffed from a building

Is suspended and tormented under a shower by the bad guys

Is immensely skilled with weapons being one of the 8-10 best snipers in the world.

Performs a false miracle by "coming back from the dead" after stopping a shotgun round with his flak vest.

And just like Riddick who tells the imam in Pitch Black he believes in God and just hates him, Riggs tells Murtaugh to "hate God back, it works for me".

Oh and who does Riggs fight, at Christmas time, in LA? That would be a corrupt general whose side he initially fought on and his chief henchman Joshua (which is the same as Yeheshua which is the Hebrew name of Jesus). In fact, when Joshua is tortured for no good reason other than to lampshade who he is, the guy watching says "Jesus Christ" half a dozen times. They are, quite literally, telling you who the character is whom you are watching being tortured.

Similarly, Shane Black who scripted Lethal Weapon and who in interview has said he's fascinated by "fallen" heroes, reprised the character of Riggs with Joe Hallenbeck in The Last Boy Scout.

And on it goes. You can play this game yourself with a lot of Hollywood movies, preferably ones with two male characters who are based on Shemyaza and Azazel from the Book of Enoch.

Han Solo and Luke Skywalker - fall down chasms, check, threatened with a 1000 years of torment in a pit, check, blinded temporarily by the light after encasement in carbonite rock, check, etc etc. And who are they fighting? Oh that's the Godlike Emperor and his right hand man who was born without conception, was prophesied to be born, talked to temple elders as a youngster, stormed the same temple as an adult, is obsessed with life over death and actually quotes the words of Jesus in the gospel of Matthew in the final prequel. Star Wars is the story of the rebel angels, told from the rebel angels point of view and they even tell you it happened a long time ago.

This is, by far, my favourite conspiracy theory I've ever come across and I like it because it's testable anytime you sit down to watch a film.

Anyway, apologies for length but I find this theory very interesting and thought I'd put it out there so everyone can enjoy it.
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 15:58, 38 replies)

IQcarrier
is recording your soul. Or something to that effect.
( Steerable_forehead Our Lady of Blessed Acceleration,don't fail me now, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 15:57, Reply)

The Titanic Conspiracy Theory
I'm not sure I'd say this is my favourite conspiracy theory, as conspiracy theories generally get right on my tits, but as they go it's superficially plausible but completely insane: the Titanic Conspiracy Theory (Titanic as in the famous iceberg-beleagured ocean liner, not as in, "This is a really big conspiracy theory, so big that Huge, Colossal or Gigantic Conspiracy Theory just don't cut it - I know, let's call it the Titanic Conspiracy Theory!"; neither is it anything to do with James Cameron or Lew Grade).

The Titanic was the second vessel in a class of three virtually identical ocean liners, the first in service being the Olympic. In late 1911, the Olympic was involved in an apparently minor collision with a Royal Navy light cruiser, HMS Hawke. The Olympic was withdrawn from service for repairs, which was a financial disaster for her owners, the White Star Line, because not only was Olympic thus not collecting passenger revenue but the completion of the Titanic, still on the stocks, was being delayed because resources were diverted to repairing the Olympic. To make matters worse, a Royal Navy inquiry exonerated HMS Hawke of any blame (almost certainly wrongly), so the likelihood of the White Star Line collecting a fat insurance payout was remote.

The conspiracy goes that the White Star Line secretly switched the Olympic (which had suffered far worse damage than admitted to) and Titanic around during the Olympic's repairs, and planned to sink the damaged Olympic, now re-named Titanic, during her 'maiden' transatlantic voyage, thereby ridding themselves of a damaged liability and collecting on the insurance. There were supposed to be other ships nearby which would rescue all the passengers and crew, but for various reasons it all went tits-up resulting in the disaster we all know and love...

For a number of reasons this theory is, of course, completely fucking bonkers.
(Harry Webshiter Spiggley biggley bog., Thu 1 Dec 2011, 15:57, 6 replies)

the pub....
...is a wonderful place to hear some corking conspiracy theories either from pissed up builders who've been listening to Talksport all day or from groups of overweight, unattractive computer games nerds in black clothing talking too loudly and excitably...
my favs Ive over-heard:

* Some bloke once invented a engine for cars that used water for fuel and gave off an exhaust that smelt of strawberries and that the Saudis bought the patent and murdered the inventor

* The writer Stephen King killed John Lennon for COPYRIGHT fraud (???)

* the Devil set up the UN so that he could wipe out humanity
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 1 Dec 2011, 15:38, 5 replies)