8 years? Damn!
They give me a gun, train me to use it, show me who to shoot and send me out into the occupied territories to defend my country. We're at war with the terrorists right? So I want to shoot the bad guys, just like any loyal citizen.

Lucky me! I'm well-trained in sniping - like, I'm a crack shot! I've got the skills to pay the bills.

So one day, there's these hippies running around in a playground where the bad guys are. They're evil too, the government told me. So I line up the rifle (I'm like a way off in a tower, see) and BANG! I get this peace activist right in the head!! Mint shot, I tell you.

Then what? Medal? Honourable mention in dispatches? No. This twunting peacenik's folks in Britain get all upset that I shot their boy and get my government to prosecute me.

I mean - what's that all about? My country trained me to shoot this guy. They showed me how to do it and they taught me that it was right.
I get found guilty (just of manslaughter, thank Allah! I could have been scapegoated as a murderer by the government bastards), and get sent down for 8 years!!

Bollocks.
( no cake for the impuritay Patrick Stewart hasn't aged since, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 14:43, Reply)

I'm waiting....
I'm guessing that this week's QOTW is "How long can you keep an idiot in suspense?"

It's just a theory...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 11 Aug 2005, 14:41, Reply)

When I was a kid
we had a competition to list 5 things to put in a time capsule for future civilisations. Me being a spack, I listed things like model cars and canned food and a magazine. I won first prize.

Six months later, when I had progressed to big school, my name gets called out during Assembly. In front of 800 other boys, I walk up to recieve my prize "as a concerned citizen of the 20th Century," which had been forwarded there from my old school. And there, Im presented with a gaybo "Captain History" glow-in-the-dark t-shirt. Captain History looks a lot like the spaceman on a box of Ricicles. And his slogan? "The Past belongs To The Future!"

If that wasnt shame of all shames, the headmaster encourages me to put it on. Over my shirt and tie. So Im now sporting a glow in the dark "I love History" tshirt with a white shirt collar, black trousers and shiny shoes. In front of 800 young testosterone-fuelled future NBP members.
The bruises I "won" that day... *shivers*

Bloody education system
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 14:22, Reply)

MMM COFFEEE.
I'm just sat here, like Ogwen (albeit in another country), waiting for the new question... but I'm not Actually gonna try and bother with getting the first one as it's rather dull. I'm just going to wait for Ogwen to wear out his F5 key late into teh night, as I rekon Mod'n pals will cunningly make the switch after hours to ensure no silly "woo first-post" shenannigans.

So. The office coffee machine here in Sweden is a killer... it's got So many options and has just been retro-fitted with a sugar despenser. Not only that, but it's FREE!!

It used to be a "Wurlitzer" wich just made me giggle.. I'd imagine somone turning the handle on it and a monkey dancing on top... and rather fittingly, the coffee tasted a bit like monkey-wee, and that in turn always made me think of Weebl's mate "monkey". Mmmmm pie.

so... wehre was I . Oh yes.. Wurlitzer coffee machine. ow.. taht I THINK was the manufacture, but not so long ago, the compnay that supplies and stcks themachines was baught out, by a compnay called "SELECTA". Noone knows why I giggle by the machine now, muttering "and the crowd goes BO!-SeeeLeeehhhKtah." But I do. This has always been a thing.. You'd have to ask biskit whey that reminds me of Fiat Panda-automatics, But I guarnantee you'd not laugh if you knew. You'd just sit there and stare at me in a strange way, and while vowing NEVER to introduceme to your parents, siblings, Signiicant other or, infact, Maker.

Mm... so, With Free Coffe (Cafe Late's too) of extraordinary quality, I can be seen trolling backwards and forwards to the machine thoughout the day while getting dosed up to the eyeballs on caffiene. yuo'd have thought that I'd have learnt to use a decnt sized mug... but no. My desk is a living (litterally) tribute to the throw-away society that is the "SELECTA DISPOSABLE CUP". It's not unusual for me to erect the twin-plakky towers during a week's heavy coffee-consumption.

I wonder if Ogwen's still hitting F5... :o/

hmm.

Incedentally, I wrote a post about getting a remarkaby sore bell-end after an allergic reaction to Aqua-Glide Lube... You'll all probably be pleased to hear that All's cool like Fonzy now, and my tackle is well and truly kicking ass again. yay for me (and Mrs Humpty)

We've got a bit of a fruit fl problem here... The cleaners have gon on holiday, and the fruit flies have taken over... I bloody HATE those little bastards.. They're FAT, but small... lke the whining little fat kids on "fat farm" who keep on saying it's not their fault... and weasling out of excercise at school. Each time you try to swat them, they use Jedi-like mind tricks to convince you taht you've hit them.... and then they totally FAIL to re-appear. NO.. they're not flat on your hands.... and they're no longer airborne in the vicinity either... I mean.. how the HELL do they DO that???

Dod i mention our Coffee machine?? it's GREAT!!! tehy fill it up with Zoegas Skane-roast coffee.. *drooool* that stuff has the ability to create coffee with Bovril-like qualities. The stuff is Astoundingly tasty, and makes ANYTHIGN i've come accross in the UK taste like weak tea... Havin said that, Noone here can do a good English Breakfast.... I'm fully awaer of the fact that Actually cookign them turns me into a walking stereotype, but hell... it impresses!!! Mrs Humpty and I had 12 people staying the other day, and I single handedly cranked out enough Bacon, Fried Eggs, Eggy-Bread, black pudding, toast, hash-browns, Sausages, fried tomatoes and baked beans to feed a frikkin' ARMY. Best breakfast EVER, and they were.... blown away. It's the only english Stereotype I fulfill... I hate football... hmm I've got a good way with dealing with Swedes who ask what my fave Team is... I tell them that I favour no team, but always go ans sit with the hard-core fans at any footy game, becuase I LOVE the fighting.

I'm Quite well-built and have short hair... so Arse.. So I fill the Hooligan-look Stereotype :o(

The other one that I enjoy playing with is the "don't beat your kids...it's bad mmmmkay".

since 1512, the peace-loving swedes have been living without hitting thier kids. They think that us brits are, infact barbaric. So... When asked "Are you ever going to return to the UK" I now have a standard Answer... "yes, Mrs Humpty and I are gonna go back before we have kids"
They like that... then they ask why.
"Because I want to be able to beat the shit out of them"
they don't like that...
"Becuase My dad beat the shit out of me, and I'm looking forward to ebating the shit out of THEM" (yes, I know its A Dennis Leary line, but they don't know that do they??)

So.. 2 cups down since I started writing this post, and onto the Third. This one's a Cafe Au Lait, with extra sugar. It really IS rather satisfying you know.

So um.... Porn.Anyone like Porn? I suggest www.jizzhut.com to be honest.. it's all free. So..

hmm.. getting bored now.

Yet... there's more. Just had an argument online with a Merkin who was slagging off teh UK for having Tax on petrol... you know they pay less than half what we do??

anyhow.. he was making claims that the taxes we have a purely punitive... and that we tax everything an we suck. this is teh SAME guy who has just ben made bankrupt after getting a $35,000 medical bill, because his country doesn't have an NHS-type-scheme...

Idiot.

I usually proof read my offerings here, but today I can't be arsed. you'll have to suffer. "Teh" means THE... etc. you'll get teh hang of it. After years of obsessive self-abuse, my left hand is not as fast as my right, even though it wins wherever strength is concerened... that's why it's a bit slow on teh "h" in the. Ooh.. got it then....

Wascally Wizzeasel has it right... though I'm not in suspense... i'm just bored. I SHOULD be working, chsing up arts that are missing and are vitally needed in Spain.. But I can't be arsed. at the avge of 15 I decided I wanted to be an engineer... I thought woohoo... I want to build stuff... not sit infront of a computer.... yeah yeah... heard it before, it backfired. Here I am, bored, whacked off my tits on Caffiene, and surfing teh Web in Sweden. Shit... could be worse...

these coffees ar rather small really.. tehy don't last long. I guess that they give it away in small cups so that we don't cost them too much... I think I might have to insulate a pinit-mug and start double-tapping the machine to get enough out of it.

Nr 4.... This one's a Stright up, as you come Black one. Jeeeeez it kicks. This would make GW Bush look awake and smart...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 11 Aug 2005, 14:10, Reply)

Timberwolf (and mod)
How exactly does the "I Like this" voting work anyway?

Og, bored and waiting for new QOTW to have the weekly battle with humpty for first (see first page of this qotw)
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 14:03, Reply)

Short circuit
In 1988, when I was seven, me and my five year-old brother won a competition on Radio Bristol. The question was 'Who was Han Solo's co-pilot'.

We didn't know we had won, as we hardly ever listened to the radio - the tv was broken on that day, until we received a big parcel. I was all ready for some Star Wars stuff, but instead got promotional stuff for the recently released film 'Short Circuit 2'.

We go a t-shirt each and weird mobile (like the things you hang over a child's cot).

I still haven't seen the film...
(spangle the wonder cat, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 14:01, Reply)

crappy prizes
i am proud to say that i have only ever won a prize once and it was

a grow your own loofa kit
(THE_TRUFFLE_PIG, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 13:39, Reply)

never
ever won anything ever.

boo
(dogboy, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 13:29, Reply)

Raffly crap
At a scouts coffee morning when i was about 8. Lots of mums shouting at kids to not have fun. Grannies napping, with coffee. I must've been blessed and damned all in one. On the raffle I won 2 bottles of wine - one red one white. Prizes, obviously nabbed by the folks with a knowing wink and 'that's our girl!'I also entered a competition to guess the number of marbles in a pot. I guessed it right and won the marbles. About 150 odd chipped pieces of glass that didn't roll, but had to be pushed.

Years later I won a box of black magic at school for knowing what 'passing the buck' meant. Nasty chocolate to give child. Wondered if the dog would like em, seeing as i didn't.
They came out almost exactly as they had looked when they went in.
(ell, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 13:14, Reply)

dancing
when i was 7 i was at a school fete and for some unknown reason, there was a square dancing competition. i hate dancing immensely, and i always have, but on the stage at the front was an enormous pile of chocolate, boxes full of it, and i was a chocoholic. so i joined the other dancers and square danced more enthusiastically than i would like to remember, and for much longer than i would have liked to. after an age they called me up to the front to give me a prize. i grabbed for the chocolate, but the lady pulled my hand away and gave me a packet of those horrible bland milk biscuits that are usually only fed to children below the age of one. she said, 'oh no, you can't have the chocolates, they're for the little children.'
i was seven. i shall never dance again.
(peacelove_deathmetal, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 13:13, Reply)

timberwolf
bindun & regrettably doesn't work.

The magic donkey will weed you out.
(8-Ball, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Super Spaceshuttle model
When I was about ten I won a competition in the local paper, writing some story about the future and doing a drawing, I think. In any case the prize was a big model of the shuttle. Like one of the cool big Revell ones, 1/24th or something. I could barely get my hands to stretch around the box - that's how good it was. Then they took my picture and wrote a whole piece about the "space genius" kid.
Ruined my chances with all the hot p7 chicks - that's for sure.
Anyway, did any of the buggers who went and bought it bother their hairy arses checking if all the bits were there? Did they feck! The sellotape was still on it. I wasn't allowed to open it at the presentation ceremony in the town hall either, for which I hold my mum eternally responsible.
Finally I get home and discover that half the tail is missing, like the mould wasn't totally full or something. It wasn't like I could take it back to the shop, we never got a receipt, did we? I tried to persuade my mum to get a new bit from Revell but she told me I could fill it up with papier mache and "nobody would notice". NNNGGGG!!!
After getting my pic in the paper everyone kept asking me how it was going, and I mumbled something about it being great but a lot of work to do it right. Bastard thing is probably still in the loft somewhere.
(foolish_child, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 12:22, Reply)

Rod Hull and Emu
I once won a lunch with Cecil Parkinson! Great stuff, so after a few swift ones he met me in a restaurant in soho. My first question:
"I bet you were really nashed off when that emu attacked you"
His Reply
"I'm sorry son, i think you are mistaking me for Michael Parkinson the chat show host"
...oh yes!
(martin_bell, Thu 11 Aug 2005, 12:18, Reply)