Baby, it's cold outside...
My ex used to work at the local Health Authority with a very nice woman called Nicola.

Nicola was very pretty, slim, and not without an impressive pair of norks (not as nice as my current missus, but nice all the same). Nicola also had a prediliction for wearing some figure hugging tops, which caused great distractions among the male members of the office.

The Health Authority HQ were, at the time, situated in the grounds of the local mental hospital (I'm not joking) and had some very nice grounds around which to walk. Nicola had decided to go for some fresh air at lunchtime.

It was, by all accounts, a fairly cool day. The combination of impressive norkage and tight top, together with the cold air outside, had combined to conspire against our heroine, for not long after she'd got back into the office, her colleague Ian went across to her to ask her something.

"Excuse me, Nippola..." he began, then realised just where he was looking and what he'd just said.

She turned red. He turned redder, and muttered something about "It doesn't matter, I'll ask 'X' instead", before fleeing the office in embarrassment.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 20:05, 8 replies)

Can I cringe on someone else's behalf please.
About 5 or 6 years ago I was living with my sister in a house on a cul-de-sac. We decided to have a small party which my then other 14 year old sister was attending with her friends from the neighbourhood. Lots of drinkie poos and people coming and going and we never paid much attention to my teenage sister. The night progresses and we suddenly realise that my teenage sister is as pissed as a fart. Oh well! her first hangover, no problem as she's with adults etc. We undress her and send her off to bed to sleep it off, laughing at the fact she's going to feel like shit in the morning.

We go back to our merriment......until a short while later a friend of hers comes running into the back garden where we all are, and tells us that my sister is stark bollock naked and running up and down the cul-de-sac.

I was too drunk to comprehend the full implications of this and didn't move a muscle. My other sister and her pal ran off to get her and brought her back where she then threw up copiously into the toilet. Packed of to bed and the front door locked we settle back into the garden. We all realise that a 14 year old girl who ran naked in front of some teenage boys up and down the street is never going to step outside the house again until she's 40.

Morning arrives and she gets up, very little hangover to speak of, (jealous moi?), and we say nothing as maybe she can't remember her escapade.

It transpires that she does remember the naked running, and although feels a little silly, goes outside to find her friends. The teenage boys tell her she has nice tits and all is well.

WTF!!!!

It gets mentioned a few times by people on our road and then forgotten. Of course we never told my mum and dad about this as they would never have let her visit again.

My sister is ace!
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 20:03, 1 reply)

Drinking a bit too much tequila
in a hot tub, getting naked and then rather inelegantly showing off all my lady bits to my friends as I swung one leg over the side to get out.
(birdwoman pissed herself at least once on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 20:01, 2 replies)

A sexual deviant, the vinegar stroke, and the phantom underpants.
3 for 1 special today...

First up, I was about 6 or 7 and in primary school. Somehow, I don't remember how, I had managed to dress myself by forgetting to put underpants on under my trousers. Going commando wasn't so bad, until I remembered it was PE that day.

Oh bugger.

In those days, there was no such thing as changing rooms, and everyone got changed in the classroom. So I made sure to try and hide my shame as best I could by crouching a little so the tables blocked the view of my little soldier.

Success! I got into my PE kit with no-one the wiser. If only I had been so lucky when changing back into my school uniform. Just at the point where I try and make a quick drop of the shorts and whip on the trousers, a girl calls out at the top of her voice "Miss! David's got no knickers on!". And everyone looked at me sheepishly trying not to wave my wang at the room.

So began my sexual deviancy...

Fast forward a year or three, and now I'm discovering girls. Still not quite sure what I'd do if I ever caught one, but I was determined to find out. I had a crush on my classmate Joanna. So, starting at the beginning, I asked her if she wanted to be my special little lady. No dice. So I decided persistence was more important than her actually liking me. I asked her out several times. I tried to be her friend. I generally hung around like a bad smell, until one day I get dragged out of class by the headmistress. It seems Jo's mother had written to the school complaining that I was sexually harassing Jo and could they please put a stop to the dirty little fucker's antics. I may be paraphrasing slightly.

So cut to the chase - I had to stand up in front of the entire class and publicly apologize for sexually harassing Joanna and promise to leave her alone from now on. Yay, not even 10 and I'm a sex offender!

Fast forward many years, and after the trauma of being a sex offender in shorts wore off, I discovered - perhaps shockingly - that I still liked girls. I'm on a date with this girl that I like, and we go to an American themed diner. Our food arrives, and I grab the vinegar bottle and unscrew the top. I pour some on my chips, only to find it's not a screw top. It's a flip-top, and it's also now half empty, because the other half is all over may plate and a little over the table too. I look around, and every single bottle of vinegar has a big yellow label on it that says "note: this is not a screw-top bottle" - except for mine.

In classic reserved British wuss style, I decide not to ask for another plate, and eat my cajun-spiced vinegar chicken with spicy vinegar fries. Yummy.


Length? Width? Height? It doesn't matter to me, I was a sex offender before I hit puberty.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:57, 3 replies)

tongue-tied
My dad and his mate came to pick up my bed when I was moving house. I wasn't in the room when they lifted off the mattress. They carefully did not mention the knotted length of leather cord tied to the bedframe. Sometimes there is no pleasure in masochism.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:53, 4 replies)

Girlfriend
With a girl I was "seeing" as we fumbled about on my bed.

She said something about her being a rubbish kisser or something, I don't remember

Me: "Now stop that." I said gently.
Gf: "But it's so hard."
Me: I nod towards my bulging pants and say, "That's your fault!"

What the hell was I thinking? Why? Why would I say something that cringe-worthy?!

I am a moron.

Luckily for me she didn't think I was a freak and laughed.... and stayed the night. ;-P
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:51, 2 replies)

[pearost] Cringe-worthy Erotica
Back in my Internet dating days, I once sent someone this.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:47, 2 replies)

Karaoke
Now... Karaoke is generally embarassing and cringeworthy, but this was more so.

I sang Karaoke... without music... Infront of my whole class... when I was 12.

I Sang "Rotterdam" by the Beautiful South.
(Canazza is mostly listening to Yes, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:46, 1 reply)

Caught!!
My mum went to the use the computer only for her to say quite simply:

"There's a pube on the keyboard."

I'm not sure how many expletives ran through my brain as I sunk lower ino my chair and turned, no doubt, an extraordinary colour.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:44, Reply)

Hmmm....
How about the fact that I have so many answers to this question. That's pretty damn embarrassing!
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:42, Reply)

Aged 4 I was getting changed for PE
however, in my usual daydreaming state I failed to pay attention to what I was doing and thus joined the queue for the playground wearing just a vest.

It's one of my earliest memories and one that still caused me acute embarrassment into my teens.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:41, Reply)

Stag Do
I was on my elder brothers Stag do aged 18. So it's me and a bunch of 30 year olds, my dad, the father-in-law and my uncle.
We went paint-balling, quad-biking and go-karting. It was ace! A few drinks were involved too. (it's a bit hazy!)

Then we went clay-pigeon shooting with a 12 bore shotgun. After a while it was my turn. I lined up and shouted:

"PULL!!"

Only for the sound that came out made me sound like a pre-pubescent 12 year old who had Vinnie Jones with a tight clamp on his nether regions.

Very big cringe....

The last laugh was mine though as I beat both my brothers and my dad's shooting score! lol!
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:40, Reply)

What a tanned tummy
It was summer. I had met my girlfriend after work at the train station and we walked up the road to the local mini-mart to get a bottle of wine. I went down one ailse, her the other.

I went to the counter with my purchase then noticed that my girlfriend had a very tanned torso under her crop top. "I never noticed you had such a good tan," said I as I rubbed her tummy in an affectionate / bawdy manner.

"I don't!" she replied. From behind the woman whose naked stomach I was rubbing.

(Why I though my girlfriend who had just got back from work as a lawyer would have a cropped top on I don't know - probably too used to talking to her chest)
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:39, 1 reply)

New Housemate
Moving in on the first day at university I met a girl who would be living upstairs from me for the next year.
We said hello, nice to meet you etc. and continued running back and forth from the car with clothes and cider.

Anyway, on my way to the car I saw the girl walking the other way. My scrambled brain registered that I knew her but I couldn't think from where despite meeting her two minutes earlier. This wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't of stopped her and asked her:

"I recognise you from somewhere."

Cue confused looks from her and her mum. (Who I had also just met. She walked away and I continued down the path. I got 5 more steps before I realised what I had just done.

I wanted to claw my own face off with embarrassment.
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:34, 1 reply)

Not having
anything to say on the first page?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:34, Reply)

Drinks
A uni society I'm a member of holds a fund-raising BBQ at the end of every academic year in the summer: it's always well attended, and extremely drunken, given that you pay about £6 for eight drinks.

Last year, I was working on the bar. As the evening started, it was all going okay. Pouring (admittedly rather generous - generally doubles instead of singles, and quaddies for friends) drinks, ticking off cards, having the occasional one for myself... Then I open my eyes again, lying on the floor of my house with a head even more painful that is to be expected after a few drinks. It was literally as if someone had teleported me both a mile down the road, and also about 18 hours forward in time.

I'm reliably ensured that the reason for this was me implementing a 'one for you, one for me' policy at about 10pm, and then staggering around in the middle of the field the event was held in swigging from a 1.5l bottle of rum about an hour later.

That's not the cringe part - nor is the nudity, licking of people's faces or inappropriate urination. Where things really went wrong was when I tried to put one of my flip-flops back on after a brief stagger to the other end of the bar. I bent over... Then just fell forwards. Directly onto my face - not even putting my hands down. Witnesses tell me it looked pretty much exactly like this.

I lost a large chunk of my nose, quite a bit of forehead skin, and also pretty much all of my dignity that night.
(Merrep, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:32, 3 replies)

and with a swing of her hips she started to strip
Every year the one-horse town in which I was raised has a carnival week that culminates in a hugely popular float parade on the Friday evening. As a shy (honestly), quiet (I've changed over the years) 18 year old fresh from her first year at Uni I went home to help out with painting a trailer or two. While doing so, people kept buying me very large gins. This pleased me. I was obviously doing a great job. A few hours later as I drunkenly slapped some emulsion on some hardboard, I was approached by the float coordinator- would I wear bikini and a grass skirt and dance my way behind the float? Seven gins said of course I fecking would, though I'd never worn a bikini in my life before, so self-conscious and shy was I. It was hardly the weather for it either- a Norn Ireland fishing village in June tends to be differentiated from the Arctic only because the Artic isn't as damp.

Fake tan - which was actually a Bisto and water paste - was duly applied, a bikini was borrowed, and I was handed a sellotaped bit of shredded brown paper which represented my grass skirt, and at 7pm the parade set off. We'd gone half a mile when, in a particularly energetic bout of hula-ing, my grass skirt fell off in front of 2000 spectators. It made the local paper.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:29, 12 replies)

Pity laughs
I was at a stand up comedy club at Leicester university and I've never cringed more in life.

The so called 'headliner' was some appaulingly bad comic who tried to relate to us and failed miserably. He pointed out one of my friends in the audience because her dress had stripes...

She didn't even notice that he was talking to her because like everyone else she was ignoring him and talking to the people around her.

As you'll all know this is uncomfortable for all concerned to see someone dying on stage. The worst part came when he actually said:
"Please applaude, please. My manager is coming in a minute and I don't want him to see the place like this."

Poor guy.

length? Considerable smaller after he managed to close the fire door behind him and get locked out. (It was a cold night)
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:26, Reply)

Morning after a 30th birthday party..
..I was informed that I'd spent the last half an hour before collapsing onto the carpet strutting around the house completely starkers, shaking a tambourine and gyrating like Mick Jagger. I'm just glad I don't remember..
(lost, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:26, 1 reply)

The girlfriend
A christmas a while ago she had friends over and her family were all there. For some reason or other they were rhyming things, like "pass the fork, stork" "peas please", "ham shazam" etc, you get the idea...

...a few minutes later her father rhymed when passing something across the table "there you go, woah!"

The reply that stopped time...

"Thank you wank-you"

I almost ate the tablecloth when I heard it
(Super Oaf Petit filous?, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:24, 4 replies)

Mind your pensions
I once told my dad the Robert Maxwell joke (which was topical at the time) i.e.

Q: How did Robert Maxwell die?

A: He foolishly asked an Irish prostitute to 'toss him off' on his boat.

Firstly, I was 11, and I didn't really know what it meant and I was just copying the big kids on the bus. Secondly my dad is Irish.

To his credit he didn't say much.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:23, Reply)

Can't remember specifics
Im painfully shy so if any girl finds out im interested in them, all me mates find out at tease me relentlessly.

just a shame im not a teenager anymore!
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:21, Reply)

First page, woo!
**POP**
(The Moomin Papa is behind you, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:16, Reply)

Aha!
First page! What ho.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:06, Reply)

When I was a pre-teenage Mr.Ons
I went to a cub-camp. It was top, running around fields with fire and such, but after coming in for the evening meal, and taking some rather muddy boots off, I ran towards the counter...I fell over, my socks being rather slippy.

Everyone laughed.

For an encore, I did it again.

There will be many more stories. This is (for some reason) the only one I can think of right now, but I assure you, I'm a walking embarassment machine.
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:06, Reply)

Doing a corporate stand up gig for a company I had been told were all solicitors.
Ten minutes of legal gags not getting more than an occasional giggle before someone in the front said "Erm, we're accountants."
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:04, Reply)

2?
Er... as if I care...

EDIT: well, 3 then. That was fucking weird. I clicked on QOTW and there was nothing there so I thought it was borked and refreshed it... to see Kaol's 1! I could've been first completely by accident...
( warmfuzzies Isn't here, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:03, 1 reply)

2nd!
I was only 8 in my defence..

i once was dying for the loo at a wedding and hammered on the door of the cubicle, thinking my cousins were messing around in there. Imagine my face when my Uncle emerged from having "dropped his own brown babies off at the pool"!
(Inflatable Aardvark, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:03, Reply)

Cringe eh?
The fact I sat there F5ing is pretty cringe-worthy.
( Cawl, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:02, 6 replies)