Argh!
A child hood of nightmare-ish gags suppressed from my memory, lest I become scarred for life, has now come flooding back to haunt me... ARRRRRGGGGHHH!!!

There must be some place, some secret, unholy place, where dads-to-be get together and share these jokes among themselves. Either that or there is some b3ta-esque forum (www.d4d.com?) where they can share their jokes.

Aaanyway, back on topic:
My Dad used to walk into the room, silently produce *the* most rancid fart, leave the room, then come back in the room and blame you for the smell. Evil swine, but I loves 'im for it.
(minister of heresy, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 12:31, Reply)

My dad has plenty of lame jokes but
the one that comes to mind is a poem thing my mate's dad always tells at parties:
(in a West country accent):
When I's Larfs, I's farts and when I's farts, I's shits myself...

hehehe! *parp* oh bugger!
(nahguam, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 12:29, Reply)

My Dad is Down with the Kids
My go: my dad, bless him, tries to use 'cool' slang words to make him more ‘down with the kids’. The most recent word he picked and used in front of my whole family and my girlfriend (who was meeting them for the first time) was...... 'BONAR'.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with this term, it's schoolboy slang for erection. By some godforsaken process of reasoning he thought it meant good, excellent, cool.

Unfortunately I had forgotten to order a hole in the ground to swallow me at that point in time....
( sadako, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 11:43, Reply)

Every chrismas day, without fail
My Dad "what's the difference between a Jeweller and a *Gaoler?"
Family (en masse) "i don't know, what is the difference between a
Jeweller and a *Gaoler?"
Dad "One sells watches and the other....watches cells!"

*Note to americans: A prison warder (pronounced "Jailer" but spelt properly)
( mikemystery blames the parents, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 11:31, Reply)

when making tea
mum says "put the kettle on then" and Dad replies "i don't think it will fit"
every time
or when me or my brother rings the front door Dad or Grandad will answer and say "not today please" or "round the back" (old tradesmen jokes" and then shut the door in our face.
Hilarious.
( nononononoyes, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 11:27, Reply)

Fry up gag
Every time Mum cooks a fry up and asks "how many eggs do you want?" Dad replies "one egg will be un oeuf" and chuckles happily away.
(microsaulxp, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:47, Reply)

I had a paper round
when i was in my teens, that had too many papers to do on a bike (was one of the crappy shopper papers) so basically had to walk everywhere. My dad piped up 'well, is suppose it's better than walking the streets!' Guffaw.
Then 2 days later we were talking about postmen for some reason or another and my dad says 'not a bad job, it's better than walking the streets' Please stop dad
Plus he used to come up with amusing nicknames for my mates like Dan the man and my personal favorite Martin with the parting
Ye gods
(northern seth back is giving him jip again, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:34, Reply)

Upon sighting a "Pick your own Strawberries" sign
you brace yourself for the inevitable "Blow your own raspberries!"

that is all
( weevilstepmother, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:31, Reply)

kill me now
My Dad is a veritable fountain of crap jokes, crap sayings and crap poems. He's also faintly racist in that naive kind of way that only the post WW2 generation can be.
Some examples -
1.Upon hearing someone in a bar/restaurant dropping glasses or crockery -
"Sack the juggler!"

2. If someone in the room coughs -
"It's not the cough that carries you off
it's the coffin they carry you off in".

3. If out on a drive and he sees a hill (very frequent this one, he lives in Scotland) -
"On yonder hill there stood a coo,
it moved awa' it's no there noo".

4. If one is ever stupid enough, on getting past him in the hallway for instance, to utter the polite request "excuse me please" -
He will promptly lock you in a bear hug shouting "I thought you said SQUEEZE ME".

5. Upon sighting anyone of dark skinned ethnic origin -"Oooh, somebody's overdone it on the sun bed".

6.Anywhere with stuffed and mounted animal heads (lots of hotels in Scotland with deer heads above the fireplace) -
"It must have been going a helluva lick when it hit that wall!".

I love him but he's a pain in the arse.

I've been a father myself for over 18 years now, I've done my utmost not to turn into him. But - can I walk past a fishtank in a restaurant without pointing at the biggest and saying "I'll have that one"?
Can I like fu ck.
(The Pink Strat Copy, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:21, Reply)

Dad: The List (abridged)
[When told the price of something]"How much? Cheap at half the price!"
[When something is dropped] "It's on the floor, by your foot."
[When stuck behind a slow-moving passenger vehicle] "That's one of those Rolls-Kenardley coaches - Rolls down one hill, Kenardley get up the next."
[When given a weak cup of tea] "I'm sorry to inform you that your horse has diabetes." [When I finally quizzed him about this one, I was told that it was from back when people had horses and used to take a container of equine urine to a chemist for him to test it for disease. He inherited the saying from his dad, and I now use it - to the total bafflement of my colleagues.]
(theChimp, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:19, Reply)

Classic this
Old man: "pull my finger"
Me: *pulls finger*
Old man: *parrrrp!*
(rubberducky, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 10:13, Reply)

restaurants
At the end of a restaurant meal my Dad loves to shout out to the waiter to bring him "The William". (the bill)

My mum's jokes are more sarky. As a teenager I'd always be running around searching for something (keys, schoolbook, etc) When I'd yell out "Don't worry I've found it!", she'd reply, "Good, I can stop holding my breath then, can I?"
(sidekick_cg, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 9:32, Reply)

my grandad had one
that my dad (and older brother) inherited.

upon pouring a drink for you he'd say "say when", then when you'd reach the desired amount you'd say "ok thanks that's enough grandad". he'd keep pouring. "stop grandad!" he'd keep pouring. "er..when!" he'd stop, with a big grin on his face. obviously after the first few dozen times we knew the game even as wee bairns, but we let him get at least near the brim as he enjoyed it so much. although I have seen him overflow the glass when someone was slow to realise.

:)
( jme, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 9:28, Reply)

I'm Sorry.....
"Pleased to meet you Sorry, I'm Dad"

/shudders

Twice a week for 25 years I had to listen to that joke - popular variations include:

I'm tired
I'm annoyed
I'm bleeding
I'm in need of medication
I'm pregnant
I'm HIV+
I'm Gay
I'm going to leave you if you say that again

.....we don't speak any more
(huge massive ken, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 9:28, Reply)

my dad ALWAYS says
(in a god awful Australian accent)
Whats your wifes name Sheila?
What do you do for a living Digger?
Whats your favorite colour Blue?

Funny for the first time
repeated ad nauseum ...no so
(fuztownsend, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 9:08, Reply)

On the way
to my Dad's we'd have to drive to Suffolk, we'd always pass Bury St Edmonds and when we saw the sign my dad would always say "Didn't know he was dead"



Pure hilarity.
( Hankster, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 8:29, Reply)

dad jokes
a hopeless case, the joke that filled my childhood with mirth:
dad: where's the andes?
me: i dunno i'm 4
dad: on the end of your wrist-ees
to be followed by much hilarity
thing is i'm not a dad yet and i say it from time to time...
(jumblesale, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 7:14, Reply)

heard them all
There must be a "Dad Joke Book" out there somewhere 'cause my old man uses many of the ones I've read.

His Favourite is
Me: It's going to a cold night tonight.
Dad: Yes, and a dark one too.
(Gordon Shumway, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 4:18, Reply)

On being asked
would you like a napkin?
"No thanks, they don't go down very well."

Stiches, that had us in. for weeks.
(Fantastic Mr Porter is bored, and wishes it was, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 4:07, Reply)

dad jokes
dad + fortune cookies = "this insert has a protective coating"

every time
(heatmiser, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 4:03, Reply)

26 here, it makes me a participant!
As we step in a restaurant, the host will ask:
"-Do you have a reservation?
-Oh no, I don't have any reservations about this place! (Turns to us) Do you have any reservations?"
To which, of course, I reply as the stand-up comedian's sidekick that I have become with age:
"-I certainly do not have any reservations about this restaurant!"
And finally, the dad to conclude with the host:
"No, we do not have any reservations."
(st0pid, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 3:48, Reply)

A few from my Australian friend. She says:
Here are a few for you to add:

1. on getting out of the shower, asking the first person he sees "Whose the
cleanest boy in the house?" (my old housemates STILL say this, 5 years
after Dad's visit to Melbourne). You HAVE to reply "you are" or he'll just
keep on about it.

2. on looking in the mirror - "hey handsome, how's your ugly daughter?" -
to be recited ad nauseaum within my earshot

3. on getting home from work, asking me the same three questions
Q1: Did you eat your lunch?
Q2: Did you get the strap?
Q3: Did you get sent to the corner?


Classics, every one. Jesus, no wonder I'm so screwed up now.
(Robertvaliant, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 3:32, Reply)

the guy who searched all his life for the meaning of life
and his fruitless ardous trek across the world. He eventually ends up in some terrible country about to give up but someone tells him there's this guy lives on the mountain that guaranteed knows the meaning of life.
and the guy climbs the trecherous mountain and braves the obstacles and finally in the back of this cave is a very old man sitting naked in lotus position with his beard grown into the rock and shit.
and the 9old man opens his eyes
- what have you come here for my son.
- i heard you know the meaning of life. i have searched all my life and learned nothing.
- indeed i know the meaning of life . . .

. . .life is a fountain . . .

. . .

and the guys like - what? what the hell? i come all this way and you tell me life is a fountain? what kind of stupid trite lame ridiculous bullshit is thus.
he's all raging around like this and the old man looks up and says,

- you mean it's not?
(mixtapes, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 3:25, Reply)

The old classic...
Every time somebody drops something, such as a waitress drops a plate in a diner, he says "Just put that anywhere."
( Sea Urchin Ceviche, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 2:46, Reply)

Actually, come to think of it...
My dad did have one particularly lame joke that went like this:
An old bloke in hospital doesn't want nurses giving him a sponge bath, so he just asks for the water etc.
Nurse returns, "OK mister Jones, how did you go?"
To which Mr Jones replies "Well, I washed up as far as possible and down as far as possible"
Nurse: "And what about Possible?"

Lame enough by itself, but thereafter whenever we went swimming, 'Possible' was the term used for the last step you took as you waded in icy waters before the stinging cold reached your precious parts!
More often than not, he'd then repeat the joke! aargh!
( woowoowoo, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 2:39, Reply)

If ever anyone mentions being deaf
or not having heard you, the correct dad reflex action is "PARDON?"

I have to make a monumental effort not to do this as well, although as I get older I may just give in to the urge. In fact I found myself saying it to my girlfriend's daughter last night.

I think it must be a dad thing because you have a fresh new audience who should be receptive to your jokes, no matter how lame they are. Alternatively it could just be the natural perpetuation of weak humour which is why we can still watch Last of the Summer Wine.
( crouchingbadger, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 2:37, Reply)

my dad's
only joke


( amaryllis, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 2:32, Reply)

I'd a dad (x3!)
And I love telling lame jokes - nothing beats the pained expression of your offspring as they realise you've set them up for another of your most pathetic jibes. I particularly like it when they say something is "cool" and I can reply, "no, actually I think you'll find it's rather hot" - equally devastating for all ages!
( woowoowoo, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 2:25, Reply)