ehem
also..

dad: "i met your mother 8 months before you where born"

which always confused me.

and more!!!

dad: "how's your bloody nose?"
me "what bloody nose?"
whack!! (not hard, but enough to prove the point of the joke)
(snitchell, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:48, Reply)

me "what's for dinner?"
dad: "pies.... P.F.I.E.S" (spelling it out)
me: "there's no f in pies!"
dad "i know, it's a flan .. chorttle"

also...

me "this food's hot"
dad "it's the heat that does it"
(snitchell, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:45, Reply)

my hilarious father
used to stare into the resident bag of mushrooms in our fridge and say 'There's not much-room in here.' Every time without fail. Every time. It made me wish I was dead.
(strangebutdrew, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:43, Reply)

See you tomorrow.
Same time. Same place. Potato clock.
( Ian Woosnam, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:40, Reply)

How high is a chinaman...
Me: "Dunno."
Dad: "How low is his brother."
Me: "Dunno!!!"

repeat ad infinitum.

Also, if I was unlucky enough to fall over:

"Have a nice trip!"

I fell over lots as a kid due to dodgy knees. How I laughed, every time.

Oh, and if I was foolish enough to get caught having a good old dig in a nostril:

"Pick us a winner!"

Mind you, that was marginally better than being caught nose-picking by my mum, who'd say,

"If bogies were meant to be eaten they'd be in tins in the supermarket."

The images conjured up by that simple statement haunt me to this day. But I have to confess I have said exactly the same thing to my spouse.
( Safetyfox, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:39, Reply)

Every time I travel on the tube
with my dad, I have to hope that there aren't any Chinese/Japanese tourists in the carriage, because the moment he sees any he thinks it's hilarious to 'whisper' "SAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRSSSSS" (SARS) in the loudest voice possible, until I tell him to shut up.
To be fair, it's usually quite funny the first time he does it, but after that people tend to notice and it gets very embarrassing.
( BrassMonkey PRUNES ARE PLUMS! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:16, Reply)

My Dad's pea 'joke'
When someone drops a pea on the table when eating, my Dad will chuckle to himself and pronounce the immortal phrase: "Ooh, you've pea-ed (oh ho ho 'peed') on the table!
He has done this for 21 years, possibly more.

Whats worse, I find myself saying it...
(El Doug, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:06, Reply)

dad in training
luckily my dad is not that bad (as in he says only the standard fair like the classic excuse me "why what have you done?" ones) but i'm 17 and already on my way, already in training for crap replies. My personal favourite is when someone is late
whoever "where's my car keys?"
me: "this is no time to be changing into a pair of fashional trousers"
the good old car keys khakis connection. Also there's the greatly annoying how long questions that have already been postaged, but hey, it is after all a classic and must therefore be used.
I swear to God i slay myself. And only myself
(sadsack, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 15:00, Reply)

I'm a Dad too and I've started to steal my Dads jokes...
It has to be done really ..corny jokes are what keeps the office world going. David Brent and the Office are testament to that !

My Parents are from Lancashire with the accent to match, although diluted a bit by having lived in Stoke-on-Trent for 30 years, One joke that my Dad likes to do at Christmas dinner or any time we are having a toast.. Is to repond to "Cheers" with "and tables" (it only works with the accent!
(MrPsycho, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 14:59, Reply)

When ever my mum
is turning and age of a equal number, he cracks the great joke of:

When your mum turns 50, I'm turning her in for two 25 year olds.
( AzToTheRescue The arsehole formally known as Az The S slur, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 14:55, Reply)

Every
single time he seen a 'vertically challenged' individual.

'oh look, there's Harry's half-brother'

always nearly loud enough to be embarassing

/relurk
(Montyphuq, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 14:53, Reply)

Dad Jokes
When I've been in the car with my dad, and we see a woman walking up ahead, as we pass he'd always say "ahh, she was good from far, but she's far from good"............classic.
(Daytona Dude, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 14:51, Reply)

bless him
on recounting a story from his youth my father would always say..."when I was a little girl" and which point congregation would in unison reply "you were never a little girl". His response needless to say was "oh, it was so long ago i never remember".
(wackers1, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 14:45, Reply)

I'm Dad and I'm Proud
Ah yes, 16 years a Dad and my jokes are honed to perfection. Most (I'm proud to say), are completely off the cuff and therefore totally forgetable within 30 seconds.

One of my most annoying ones is when someone will say - my daughter for example - "If Mandy rings, I'm in the bath"

Me:"Where will you be if she doesn't ring?" hurr, hurr.

I also annoy my daughter by repeating the following at least once a year: Three years ago we had a 'secret santa' at work. We were trying to decide who should be Santa.

"It'll have to be you because you're so old" piped up my late 20s team mate and general dick.

"Well it can't be you Mike, because he's supposed to be fat and jolly, and you're only one of those." was my stinging reply.

I thang you!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 14:09, Reply)

Dinner
Always, after the massive main (usually our first) course: "Mmmm, lovely starter, what's for mains?"
(sentinel, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:53, Reply)

My father, a great proponent of ethnic diversity....
and a fellow of entirely Italian extraction, has one little gem of a joke that occasionally rears its less-than-PC head. At the end of the day, he'll come home, and Mom will ask, "So, honey, how did your day go?" And Dad, in his stellar wit, replies, "Hey - who the hell are you calling a Dago?"

hmph.
(laramieman, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:51, Reply)

2 jokes
1. Whenever leaving the house, or going somewhere, if my Dad was watching me go, after about 15 seconds he'd call me back. I'd turn around, walk back and he'd ask "How far would you have got if you hadn't come back?".

Took me years to spot this one coming and be able to call over my shoulder "twice as far up the road" without turning around.

2. At the dinner table, whenever we had food that involved either mustard or custard being on the table he'd ALWAYS pronounce them "mouse-turd" or "cows-turd" (as in "Pass the mouse-turd") with a hug grin on his face becasue he was being funny and rude at the same time in front of my Mum.
(origami_army, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:49, Reply)

Dad used to spot a young woman and say -
"Marks out of ten? I'd give her one"

Every time.
( expf, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:44, Reply)

grr
one of my dad's pedantic things..
I grew up in america, and tend to put the word'like' in , like, every sentence... a godawful habit i know, but please take the mitigating circumstances into consideration. anyways, every time i tell my dad a story and, the word pops out of my mouth, he will invariably say 'like what?'
excusable the first twenty times, but im, like, getting really annoyed now dad!!!!!
(blubear, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:38, Reply)

unique joke (there's a reason)
The joke my dad always comes out with whenever we are all together as a family is:

"What has four legs, feathers, and a brick in the middle?"

(sighs) "Don't know, Dad"

"A feather bed"

(deeper sighs) "What's the brick for, Dad?"

"That's to make it hard."

(groans all round)

He also used to be in the habit of making 'improving' remarks such as "A place for everything and everything in its place" and then qualifying them by saying that was "Proverbs 32 verse 1 (2, etc)".

It was years later that we finally figured out that the book of Proverbs has only 31 chapters...
(b3dw, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:23, Reply)

dad jokes
without fail, my dad used to pick up bananas and point at his nearest child shouting"CAREFUL THIS BANANA'S LOADED".
He also used to do a tapdance while reciting the line " they told me i'd never tapdance again with my wooden leg, but i sure showed them" oh dear
(sonicboo, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:23, Reply)

the scary thing is about all these
is that i've found that i've started making the same jokes. I'm neither a dad or male...

My father-in-law always makes the same joke at christmas, he sits at the head of the table and says in a really solemn voice 'we are gathered here today to celebrate this special day of *Cliffmas'

* Cliffmas - a reference to Cliff Richard who ineverably releases a christmas single every year in a cynical attempt to exploit the christmas market.
(angeluk666, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:21, Reply)

re: BONAR
This is from 60s Radio sitcom "Round the Horne", Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick would do a sketch every week in which they were a couple of very camp homosexuals. This was when being gay was illegal remember. So they spoke in this gay slang called palari or polari or similar. "bona" means "good" as in "ooooh! Bona!".
So he prob did not mean Boner at all but as you are not familiar with 60s radio shows it probably zinged over your head.
Dads know this stuff its our job.
(FunnyOnion took his trowsis off, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:12, Reply)

When driving down country roads
in the dark my dad always says 'this is where the pixies mugged Noddy'

I thought that was really funny when I was 7, but somehow I've found that the joke has worn a little thin.
(angeluk666, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:06, Reply)

When getting out the Jig-saw (as in the electric saw)
My dad without fail will say:
I've got another one of these in a thousand pieces,
(maximcondor, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 13:05, Reply)

shaming....
i once made the same joke as my dad at the same time

it would be ok if it was a normal joke, but it revolved around gazpacho sounding a bit like gestapo

"vhy is zis soup cold?"

quite obscure
(note, gazpacho soup is the one you're meant to eat cold)
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 12:56, Reply)

Upon me asking where the toilet is
my old grandad always (as in without fail) says "Mention my name, you'll get a good seat". It always makes me cry with laughter.

Oh, no, I just meant cry.
(Ian O'Clock, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 12:53, Reply)

On hearing an ambulance drive past with sirens on
my dad always, and I mean always, says 'he's late for his tea!'
( jmptdc Mark the perfect man and behold the upright, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 12:49, Reply)

His favourite seems to be.....
Q. Where did Napoleon keep his armies??
A. Up his sleevies

(insert laughter here)


And on much the same French empirical leader theme:
Dad would ask "Can you tell me what nationality Napoleon was?" .... to which we were supposed to reply "... 'course I can"

Get it? "course I can" = Corsican

Hil-fucking-arious
(No6, Thu 11 Dec 2003, 12:48, Reply)