blind date party horror
a few years ago, my friend evie decided that a sailing club was a good way to meet men. happily ignoring the fact that she gets seasick in a bath, she duly crashed a sailing club party and she did indeed meet a man.

the first thing i knew about it, i was being told that i had to host a party, so she could get to pull him. my flat was volunteered because it is a good lay-out for entertaining. the sweetener: he had a hot mate that we could invite too. fair enough. and a party's a party. we decided to have a murder mystery party, as we'd never done that before (or since, come to think of it) and togged the whole flat up like a casino. everyone made a real effort, and the costumes were brilliant.

then there was a knock at the door. i opened it. there was a chav standing there in a ripped t-shirt and a baseball cap. this was evie's potential. he barged in, empty-handed, and helped himself to beer in the kitchen. "ahahaha your fridge says SMEG on it. your fridge has got smegma," he sneered. lovely. what a charmer.

half an hour later, there was still no sign of his hot mate, and we kind of needed to start the party. so we started with the ice-breaker, a pass the parcel drinking forfeits game, rigged to let evie get her first kiss. she slinkily sat next to the chav, and i deliberately stopped the music for her on the layer that said "cheeky snog for the person on your right". i thought she'd be pleased. but her face fell a mile. everyone else was clapping and cheering. i couldn't understand why she looked like thunder. until she headed towards me. yeah.... the chav was on her left, and i was on her right... spastic swipe. we settled for a peck on the cheek and much mockery.

then the door went again. i opened the door. there was a grandad standing there, blinking away under a teatowel. he brandished a half-drunk bottle of red wine at me. he smelled vaguely of vomit. after a minute, it dawned on me that this was the hot mate (his character was a sheikh, hence the amazing costume). w.t.f. i took the wine, murmuring, "you REALLY shouldn't have." and he snatched it back as soon as he had taken off his coat.

the actual party went well after that, apart from the fact that all our friends were wondering who these two dirty old weirdos were. and that the two weirdos drank half the booze between themselves. evie, blissfully oblivious, was getting on famously with the chav. my date was limping around complaining that his knee hurt from walking up two flights of stairs and shovelling pizza in his mouth.

at the end of the night, evie and the chav disappeared onto the balcony for a snog. it seemed to be going well, from what we could see of their frantically groping bottoms. we drew the blinds, and everyone was happy. my date was snoring on the sofa. then evie came back in. she didn't look that thrilled. i asked what the matter was. "nothing," she snapped. it turned out that the conversation had gone like this:

evie: so shall we go somewhere more private?
chav: sure. your place?
evie: what about your place?
chav: weeeeell, my girlfriend will be in bed, and she wouldn't really like that...

the final straw was when we woke up the next morning to start tidying up the carnage, evie announced that she had a tennis match at 9.30, and fucked off! there were no second dates.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 10:23, 34 replies)

Worst remake of Abigail's Party ever.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 10:30, closed)

i saw that when it was in the west end recently
brilliant. but the ending was probably less painful than mine.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 12:53, closed)

Good cast, Joe Absolom still growing and growing - but still the best acted breakdown ever.
"The terrain is 'the London side of Essex', 'theoretical Romford'" according to Leigh.


Anyho'. you evil witch.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 20:54, closed)

Did you just call me a ho'? MODS

( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 7 Sep 2014, 13:10, closed)

I always
laugh at Smeg appliances too. I blame Red Dwarf.
(yeswehavenopasties, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 10:43, closed)

But Red Dwarf isn't remotely funny?

(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 10:52, closed)

Guess
we find different things funny then.
(yeswehavenopasties, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 11:21, closed)

I guess we do. Agree to disagree and all that :-)
Sorry, forgot where I was for a minute - I meant: ^^^UPSET ONLINE LOLZ ETC!!!!!
(The Magic Number is neither magic nor a number, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 11:39, closed)

I used to find it very funny.
Then I saw some of it again recently. I don't understand what has happened... it appears that exactly the same footage is now total bollocks.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 12:48, closed)

^This, rather reluctantly.
I found it hilarious when I was 17. It doesn't quite have the same appeal now.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 12:56, closed)

it's shit.
and it's always been shit.

shit.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:58, closed)

Alright, Roger Ebert.

(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:11, closed)

i felt like drawling snottily, "yah darling, it's italian for £1,500 fridge freezer actually"
but i contented myself with, "do have another stella"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 12:54, closed)

how many
liters of salt water does it hold though?
(yeswehavenopasties, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 12:58, closed)

litres

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:01, closed)

I'm in the US
makes you spell like a twat.
(yeswehavenopasties, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:30, closed)

p m
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:06, closed)

Replies should be able to win

(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:32, closed)

I don't care

( MEATSNAKE Richard Hammond, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:43, closed)

i hope you replenished your emergency stores of wifebeater after the party

(Captain Give-A-Fuck #internetpals4eva, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:03, closed)

urgh, it wasn't my wifebeater
someone else had brought it. i had a cocktail fountain (my friend bought it for me, don't judge me) which was splashing out sex and the beach (1 litre absolut, 1 litre orange, 1 litre cranberry, everyone was plastered).
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 13:06, closed)

I put on my best Kryton voice and say "Oh Sir, I see you have a Smeeeeeeeeeeee, a Smeeeeeee...
small town on the outskirts of London"
( brown-wings Made with three kinds of butter, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:56, closed)

were you fifteen?
fancy dress and spin the bottle? Srsly?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:07, closed)

now now, we don't all snort lines of coke off our kids' torsos to have a good time

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:48, closed)

so you weren't fifteen?
jesus
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:00, closed)

Wait, Chompy's a chav?
:(
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:17, closed)

This is incredibly offensive "to" low-income, low-skill youths.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:24, closed)

you forgot these
" "
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:48, closed)

better?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:59, closed)

it's as good as it's going to get

( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:27, closed)

Fuck off Skagra.
/ac
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:19, closed)

this
may be the most offensive thing anyone has ever said on here.

it's more offensive than your mum raping your dad with maddie's severed arm and then offering you a go
.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 5 Sep 2014, 14:48, closed)

You have a very sick mind.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 5 Sep 2014, 15:23, closed)

tl;dr - your friend Evie is a prick. Happy to help.

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 8 Sep 2014, 12:14, closed)