Ahhh... Thai food...
I met this girl at a convention - bright, intelligent, attractive, curvy. Lovely, and basically way out of my league. I managed to get her phone number, called, and arranged to go out at her place.

So, we meet up and she suggest going out for Thai food. Now, I was so nervous I spent the majority of the date in the bog having a massive panic attack. Never happened before, but even 12 years later I can't walk into a restaurant without getting a little woozy, much to the annoyance of my wife.

Still, she went out with me for a while, before dumping me for one of my mates, leaving me bitter and twisted. But hey, this is B3TA so that goes without saying, yes?
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 13:05, Reply)

A Spanking Good Time?
I met an American girl in a bar and we exchanged numbers, all very prim and proper. We spoke on the phone a couple of times until late one night the conversation started getting a bit steamy and she jumped in a cab to come over to my place.
However, very shortly afetr she arrived I realised I had let myself in for more than I had originally bargained. She'd brought a massive sports bag with her. At first I thought she was trying to move in, but then she opened the bag and began to arrange its contents on the table in my bedroom... I have never seen such a nasty collection of whips, paddles, old slippers and shoes, plus the usual "toys". I was really scared; she wanted me to pretend to be her older brother's best friend and "punish" her for being a "bad little girl". I intimated that there must have been some kind of misunderstanding and that I didn't have it in me to do that, but she was insulted by this and got really aggressive. She said that she wouldn't have come half way across London in a cab if she knew she wasn't going to get a beating! In the process of delivering this rant, she pulled her skirt up and her underwear down to prove she was for real - to reveal thighs and a backside almost mutilated from serial S&M torture. She pointed to the worst scar and said "I even paid for that one honey!".
Anyway, to cut a long story short (if it isn't already too late to do that), I managed to calm her down, helped her pack away her mobile dungeon and arranged a cab to come and pick her up. That was 6 years ago but the memory of it still makes me shudder. Seems that the throw-away remark she made in the preceding phonecall - "are you gonna spank me" - wasn't throw-away at all. Sorry for long (first) post.
(codenamebonkee, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:55, Reply)

I once went on a blind date with a scouse cripple with calipers.

( chobb ,ø¤ºGREATº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRAPISTº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤ºRECOMMENDEDº¤ø, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:54, Reply)

spontaneity
Went out with my first gf at the tender age of 16, attempted to get off with her but she was having none of it. Repeat dates over the next two weeks. still none.

Eventually, after a month, i decide to be a gentleman and actually ask if i could pull her to save further embarassments. she said yes and first pull ensued. wahey.

was dumped a few days later for "not being spontaneous".
( The Running Man, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:52, Reply)

Hijinks with a whore
My worst date ever was last night. This is going to be quite long, for which I apologise in advance.

Last week I was fortunate enough to swap mobile numbers with a very attractive young lady in a night club. Unfortunately it turned out that she's just started on 'the game', although to her credit she was surprisingly up front about it (no, it wasn't one of those sort of 'night clubs', I know what you're thinking).

She was absolutely stunning and I've been single for ages, so I thought to myself, "It's OK, I'll try and persuade her to stop doing it, and if she won't then forget it. She says she's only just started out and it's only 2 nights a week, so she's probably only had 3 or 4 clients". Big mistake.

She texted me yesterday saying to come and pick her up from work at 10:00, and then we'd go out and hit town. Sat in the car outside the brothel for what seemed like ages but she didn't come out, and her mobile was switched off, so I eventually plucked up the courage to go and knock on the door. I asked if she was there, and the guy said "No, she's busy with a client at the moment. Come in and wait, if you want".

Sat at the bar waiting, and she came down after 10 minutes with a fat man in his 50s. She explained to me that she was the only one working that night so she had to stay later, and went straight back upstairs with the next client. I sat at the bar like an idiot until half past sodding midnight, paying £5 a time for a glass of coke, watching her going upstairs with a steady stream of customers, most of whom looked like social misfits of some sort. Some of them were even trying to get it on while they were still downstairs in the bar.

Eventually I had a reality check and realised that being single is probably better than going out with a prostitute, and I left. Just glad I never kissed her on the lips (either pair).
(disaffected, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:50, Reply)

Dates? Bad ones? I've had plenty
However, I'll never forget the time I'd let my mate set me up with someone. He was doing me a favour, and I was pretty much desperate.

The night was set, he'd arranged everything. We were going to a classy little restaurant in Leeds, the whole suit and tie shebang. I arrived, and was taken to my table by the waiter. He assured me my date was just in the toilet and so I sat with eager anticipation.

A couple of minutes passed, and seeing a couple of women come out the loo that were pretty foxy, and a few that were dog ugly, I was wondering where the hell this woman was.

I got a tap on the shoulder. "Excuse me, are you Luke?" I was asked. "Yes, I am" I replied, "Hi, my name is Andy, I'm your date."

Ho ho, what a funny guy my friend is, setting me up with a man - and how he laughed at me for weeks after. Bastard.
( mcdoof fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:47, Reply)

Not when sober...
So back when i was about 16 and fresh at college there was this girl. Her mates told my mates she was keen, me less so as she was somewhat repulsive (and me shallow perhaps?), anyhow, the college organised a few nights out and on the very first of these I indeed did find myself getting intimate with the lady, much to the joy of both mine and her friends who were unbeknown to us, watching. Oh dear.

Afterwards pretty much everyone in the college knew about it, all I could do was blame it on the beer and spout on about it never happening again.

Of course each time we were in town / at a gig / anywhere with alcohol, 'stuff' did indeed happen. And of course everyone knew... Ho hum.
(MrJelly, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:41, Reply)

Blind date, I would of had to of been !
In my infinite wisdom as a youth was convinced to go on a blind date by a “good friend”, Deal was I would meet said young lady outside the romantic location of the local train station and take it from there....

Events transpired as follows;

- Me stood there & spy’s comically large girl in exceptionally bright pink sweater walking across car park in my general direction,
- Me thinks ….you cant be serious ?
- Her “ Hi are you Chris”
- Me, (thinking on my feet) pull’s my best confused and quizzical face, “no luv, I’m waiting for my wife”
- Me...makes sly exit,
- Her stood there looking suitably awkward
- Me...makes some random excuse to our mutual “good friend” about my non-attendance

Anyhoo....Skip forward about two weeks, out for drinks with my “good friends” and who should walk into pub ( in the same unfeasibley bright jumper I might add )

Her mate, Hi "X" this is Chris who I told you about, X gives me a suitably female like scowl & I apparently adopted a rosy shade that put her jumper to shame, needless to say I experienced a suitably awkward evening!

That was the first and last blind date i was ever stupid enough to do!

P.s never try to cross a woman!, this was 5 years ago and, and my “wickedness” it is still brought out to haunt me at regular intervals!!
(I love it when a plan comes together!, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:40, Reply)

Cinema an easy choice for 1st date, right?
Not if you're 17, your beaming partner is 19 and you try to get into an 18-rated movie, it's not.

Argued with the ticket guy for ten minutes and ended up getting chucked out of the cinema.

Of course, SHE thought it was hilarious.

sigh...
(HectorProtector, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:40, Reply)

Where do I begin.........
1, Went on a blind date with woman i was told was very nice, but nothing special! All good, but then ended up spending a whole day with a woman who looked more like an ogre, all she needed was a club! Planned my own kidnap that day using a mates work van, stupid but very needed!

2, Met a girl one night, thought id take her out, all going to plan, perfect! Meet her, but she brings her mate!(uhm, no problem), then decides that she wants to meet her ex, SO HE CAN SEE WHAT THE COMPETITION LOOKS LIKE! I made my escape when i see him, the inbred scarfaced look put me off the idea!

3, Lovely girl who spent the whole night talking about all the major surgery that she has had, showed me the scars as well, bonus points for removing items of clothing so quickly!

But on the plus side i did sleep with the barmaid at my local, something many people have tried and failed, top bombing!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:38, Reply)

I was dating this stroppy cow of a nurse and wanted to end it.
I suggested that we went to see my mate's band at the Woolwich Tramshed.
They were supporting the psychobilly band, King Kurt. I knew what to expect 'cos I'd seen them at the Lyceum supporting Bo Diddley but she didn't.
So we get to the gig, my friend's band start playing and all hell breaks loose, with fluor, a jelly in the shape of a rabbit and all manner of projectiles are hurled.
The whole proceedings were broken after 2 songs up by the Metropolitan Police's finest, the Special Patrol Group. There were multiple arrests - nearly including my mate who the SPG thought had started it all!
Needless to say I got chucked by said stroppy nurse but I ended up shagging her housemate!
(Doctor Evil, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:28, Reply)

and for the short of attention span ...
worst opening line of a date ever:
"Sorry I'm late ... I just fucked my ex-boyfriend ... do you mind if we give tonight a miss?"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:24, Reply)

disclaimer: drugs are bad, mkay?
Fuck-stupid early-twenties bravado. Mucho drinking and smoking. In a room at a soirée with GF of time and another girl who seems oblivious to our passions. Start getting nekkid and nawty. Realise mid-coitus that I need to be violently ill. Wander through party green-around the gills and pan handle bobbing. Throw up. Wander back (pan handle somewhat less bobbing). GF and other girl miraculously still there ... which in my addled state I find quite arousing. Coitus. Sickness. Repeat pan-handle vomitting trip. When I return the second time they've both unsurprisingly fucked off. The adolescent in me is still convinced if I hadn't had that last bong I'd have been on for some threeway action.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:22, Reply)

Am I the only one to notice...
...that a lot more posts than usual seem to be from b3ta's female clientele? :o) Looks like we're going to have to buck up our ideas, chaps!
(reefus-, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:22, Reply)

Police Station Italian
I met her at Brussels Airport whilst waiting for a connecting flight to London from Rome.
She was called Erika, and we talked and shared a taxi back to Central London.
We exchanged details and agreed to go on a date in Brixton.
I chose Brixton because I had lived there previously for 2 and a half years and thought it would be a cool area to go with a variety of bars and clubs. When she arrived at the tube station she expressed concern at the area:

“It-a seem very-a dangerous here – a lot of dealer and drug addict”

I assured her that there was nothing to worry about, and in my time as a Brixton resident nothing had happened to me. Yes, it was “edgy”, but its bark was worse than its bite.

5 minutes later we were in a police car being driven to the police station after a guy had tried to attack us (randomly) on Coldharbour Lane. As we entered the police station, Erika informed me she was in possession of amphetamine. Scared that we would get searched as a matter of routine, I took the drugs and stuffed them down my under-crackers.

I spent two hours trying to get to know someone with poor English in the “Victim Suite” of Brixton Police Station with drugs in my pants. The conversation was somewhat stilted as you can imagine, as the environment was not especially conducive to romance.

Can you believe that I turned it around on the next date and we went out for 6 months?

N.B. In the end she coincidentally dumped after a night out in Brixton (putana!), leaving me somewhat broken-hearted and alone on Coldharbour Lane. 10 minutes later I was attacked on the same street where the first date had gone pear-shaped. In broad daylight.

Bad memories.
(redbrickterrace, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 12:21, Reply)

I was 17, he was 23.
He was an artist, while I was working as an assistant draftsman in an architect's office. I thought he was cool.

The feeling, unfortunately, was not mutual: particularly after he came to join me one evening when we were out with the firm's partners, drinking truly monstrous quantites of red wine.

After getting the train home, he had to hold my hair / coat / shoes out of the way while I sicked up pints of pinot grigio all over the platform and his suede desert boots.

Needless to say, eight years on, we are no longer together.
( furry numnah has returned from the dead (but her profile appears to be mightily fucked), Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:48, Reply)

Really bad with faces
New Years Eve and I'm so drunk I can hardly see, it's dark and someone thrusts a girl into my arms. I procede to get off with her and get her number and promise to go out with her. The big day comes around and I cant even remember what she looks like, still I though if she turns up i'll recognize her... I didnt. Spent half an hour standing around like a twat before ringing her... only to find that she was standing about ten metres away. She hadn't recognised me either. Only went down hill from there.
(Badger McAdams, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:46, Reply)

bored meeting
I met a girl in a club. She was nice, we kissed, I was plerased and we arrenged to meet in a bar a few nights later. We both arrived at the same time. Me, being the gentleman, offered to go and buy some drinks.

Nothing, nay, NOTHING, I could do at this fucking bar would allow me to get served. The barmaid literally served everyone, except for me. So I waited, rather than go back empty handed.

For 45 minutes. When I came back to the table she'd gone. I drank hers.
(pb4ugo2bed, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:45, Reply)

What's my worst date experience?
All of them. :(
( King Ralph is drunk, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:24, Reply)

Ooh dear
When I was about 15, I went on a date to the cinema with a girl who I'd just started seeing. During the film I had my arm around her, and then she motioned to me that she'd be up for some, erm, 'finger action', as t'were. However, being the big yutz that I am, I didn't use my one free hand, instead I tried reaching around and down. Needless to say, unless I somehow transformed into Inspector Gadget at that point, it wasn't going to work. Then the lights went up. Bugger.

However, that's not the end of it. I tried explaining to my mate, who failed to comprehend what I was trying to do with my crazy arm movements (understandably), so I drew a rather vivid diagram for him. I think the words "minge base" may have been involved.

This diagram then got passed on to someone else in my year who was a bit of a wrong 'un, who then passed it on to someone else, whose sister just happened to be in the same class at school as the girl involved. Shite. The ear-bashing I got the next day was the stuff of legend.
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:11, Reply)

Valium
This lad called Wayne had liked me for ages. He wasn't really my type so put him off for ages. Eventually agreed to go on a date with him. Little did I know he was so nervous that he took a load of valium before he came to meet me. Half an hour later he is asleep in the pub. Five minutes later I had to carry him home. That was the end of that!
(kirstickle, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:08, Reply)

I once got off with this rather fit 18 y.o. in a kebab imporium.
Everyone was rather impressed and let out a loud cheer.

The net day we went for a drink and she was the dullest, least interesting human being on the planet, ie:

ME: so, what kind of music do you like
HER: dunno, anything really.
ME: so, er... what do you think about X then
HER: nothing really, dunno.

etc.

Neadless to say we cut the date short and I went out and got ratted with my friends instead.

Only thing is, she had the cheek to say to a mutal friend that I was 'boring when sober'

To which I replied:

'Well... at least I'm intersting half the time!'

Bu-bum tish!
(coding_monkey, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 11:01, Reply)

worst date
Many years a go now I went out with this girl that likes an odd drink or 2, had a nice night till she ends up getting taken home in a police car and told off for being drunk and disorderly. Not bad for a first date me thinks..
(teaboy of death, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:58, Reply)

Ouch
Had a horrible great stone in - I broke my tooth!
( giant_squid, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:37, Reply)

dates
met/pulled a guy in a club hammered, met up the next day at mine to watch a film. Feeling a little rough from the night before ended up falling asleep with my head on his chest drewling and snoring- very sexy. still we did end up going out for a bit!
(asil-b, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:28, Reply)

never to forget my friend
who made a date with a girl we knew from school. he decided to meet her in our local pub. now my friend is pretty shy so she was standing there alone looking around while he is hiding behind the fruit machines. he plucks up the courage to go and meet his own date and then i had one of the best laughs of my life.
i don't want to embarass her but her name was Rachael Thompson...
anyway he approched, she smiled, then he put his hand in her drink got an icecube and threw it on the floor, saying well that broke the ice. Funny. Then she demanded another drink. He tried to take drink off her pouring it over her chest in the process. Never one to cut his losses he decided to dry her using his hands to wipe her, sexually harassing her it seemed to the pub. Next my friend goes for a napkin on the table, drops it, picks it up and as he rises headbutts the poor girl in the chin knocking her back onto a table of drinks. Completely drenched she turns over to reveal a nice shard of glass in her back. Obviously needing medical attention she says to her moronic date, "ben can you take me to the hospital please", "after me beer" i think was his reply...
They are getting married next year!!
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:24, Reply)

Dog Boy
Just moved to London, decided to go for a drink with a guy I'd met. Told him there was no chance of him getting laid - I was just out for a few beers and a laugh that night, and we'd take it from there.

Should have known it wouldn't work out when he ordered cranberry juice for himself (what guy does that in a pub?!). Fast forward....oooh about 5 minutes - he's humping my leg, panting down my ear and licking my face (not sexy)so I made my excuses and ran to the bus. He followed, so I lied and said I lived out in Zone 6, then ignored him as he climbed aboard my bus..... thank god he got bored and got off 2 stops before my stop (I live in Zone 2), otherwise i'm pretty sure he'd have stalked me home......

The moral? Cranberry juice-drinking, leg-humping, panting face-lickers are best avoided....
(emma_fisi, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:24, Reply)

Interview With A Vampire
I went to see Interview With a Vampire with a girlfriend. We were 16, it was an 18 cert movie - I thought I was the mutts nuts. Started violently snogging about 30 mins into the film (as you do). About 20 mins into the snog I noticed that my face was getting very warm. I pulled away from her to find that I'd been having a nosebleed, there was blood all over my face...and hers. This being an old cinema, we both had to walk to the toilets at the back of the theatre, smeared with blood, whilst Interview With a Vampire was on. Surprisingly, she didn't dump me but it was all a tad embarrassing.
(raymeister, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:21, Reply)

pizza express
good looking girl. me thinks it funny to make jokes of the fat lady stuffing her face. find out the lard arse in question was her mum. cue me in toilet trying to dry the wine from my shirt.
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:11, Reply)

beggars can be choosers
Blind date.
Picked him up, he chose dirty sweat pants to wear.
Demanded we eat at a vegetarian restaurant.
And insisted upon seeing the worst movie ever to be released in theatres. (From Justin to Kelly, if you're unfortunate enough to be familiar)
I payed for the whole bit.
Afterwards, he attempted to "get him some."

I laughed in his face. And stranded him at the theatre.
I don't let my friends set me up on dates anymore.
(kitsune, Fri 22 Oct 2004, 10:07, Reply)