Gran
It was Christmas. We were all basking in the afterglow of a slap-up dinner and Roger Moore was parachuting off a mountain on the TV.

"Want another mince pie, Mum?" my mother asked her mother.

No answer. Granny had died peacefully in her sleep, a half-eaten mince pie on her plate and a look of wrinkled serenity upon her septuagenarian face. We looked at each other in shock.

"Well, we can't afford a funeral," said Dad. "We'll have to dispose of the body ourselves." We all knew it was true - the cost of a coffin and a service on top of Christmas would have broken us. "Get that tarpaulin from the garage, Frank," said dad.

We rolled it out on the floor and tried to manoeuvre gran on to it. She hadn't gone stiff yet, so we were able to topple her off the armchair on to the tarp. "Don't break her glasses!" yelled mum, "We can get a fiver for them on Ebay." In no time, we had her laid out on the rip-stop nylon and trussed up like a salami.

"Right, off to the quarry," said dad and we all piled in the car (gran in the boot) to head out to the country. It was an emotional trip, as we seldom spent time together as a family. "Nice to be together," said mum. "Gran is with us, too, even if she's dead and wrapped in plastic."

At the quarry's edge, we manhandled gran out of the boot and dragged her to the precipice. "Should someone say a few words?" I asked.

"That tarp cost me £20," said dad.

As one, we all laid hands on the package and rolled it off the edge. It tumbled down the hill a bit and fell vertically to land with a delayed splash in the flooded quarry. "Goodbye, mum - you were the best," said mum.

"Right - who's for a turkey sandwich?" said dad, and we all piled back in the car for a slap-up supper.
(frankspencer, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:43, 4 replies)

Oh Mr S -
what a splendid story.
( Farmer Geddon - is on his way., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:51, closed)

A bit wasteful of her
to leave half a mince pie, was it not?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 11:53, closed)

Ha ha ha ha ha...
Cough, splutter, chokes on sandwich...

Resumes helpless giggles...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:09, closed)

...
A slap-up dinner, and a slap-up supper in one day.

What a day!
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 28 Feb 2008, 12:50, closed)