The Good Sex Life
Jerry entered the bedroom. Laying under his bed sheets was Barbara.
"What on earth are you doing here?" said Jerry.
"Oh, don't pretend you're shocked to see me," replied Barbara.
"Where is Margot?" panicked Jerry.
"I think Tom is planting his shovel into to her compost bin."
"Err... What exactly does that mean?"
"Come here you starched-stiff collar twat and plough my garden."
"You mean make love?"
"No, I mean go around to my house and pull the weeds out then turn over the soil."
"I think Tom is--"
"Forget Tom, he hasn't mown the lawn in ages if you catch my drift."
"Alright, I shall proceed."
Jerry removes his clothes, apart from his briefs and shoes, and climbed into bed.
"Place your hand on my deep dark secret."
Jerry hesitated for a moment.
"Go on, it's okay," added Barbara.
Jerry, reluctant, patted her on the fanny.
"Oh, mother," said Jerry.
( $$ ✅, Mon 11 May 2015, 13:37, 7 replies)

I once wanked into my grandfather's Wellington boots
and he never even noticed.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 11 May 2015, 19:20, 1 reply)

Last autumn, I'd bought myself a largish boxed set of miniatures from Games Workshop, telling the missus that it cost "around £60" rather than £75
The day before Christmas Eve, she was really sick and I ended up buying and wrapping all the presents for our families etc. No problem and everything taken care of, except - "Wait," she said. "I haven't got you anything."
"No worries," I replied. "I don't need anything from you, just love and joy and happiness."
"No wait," she said. "Haven't you got that boxed set from Games Workshop? I'll transfer the money into your account and that can be from me. How much did you say it was? £60?"
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 7 May 2015, 17:07, 73 replies)

I hate mieces to pieces
Mrs Moon Monkey has a real thing about mice - can't stand any kind of small rodent, they give her the screaming habdabs. Unfortunately, our neighbour is a horder type, and lives in a cave amongst all the rubbish and rotting junk, so we get mice in our house reasonably often. Naturally it's my job to deal with the little fuckers.

She's also a bit of a germophobe, so I don't always mention some of the places that I've found mice. In the food cupboards: naturally I threw the affected food away, so no harm done. The one that ran across the shelf right behind her head - she didn't need to know about that.

But the one that would really have her screaming and probably demanding that we immediately put the house on the market and move to the other end of the country would have to be the one that I found in the dishwasher. After the cycle had completed.

Well, at least it was clean, eh?

What?
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 11 May 2015, 12:37, 3 replies)

Cyril Smith paid me a pound to fart on his bollocks
Cheers
( $$ ✅, Fri 8 May 2015, 12:01, Reply)

I am Bea

╔═════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╗
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Repost this if ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ you are a beautiful strong black woman ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ who don’t need norman ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
╚═════════════════ ೋღ☃ღೋ ════════════════╝

( $$ ✅, Mon 11 May 2015, 19:16, 2 replies)

Also, I sometimes
Drape bacon on my face and pretend to be Simon Weston
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sat 9 May 2015, 19:21, 1 reply)

Time Play / Whip Thief
I was once a part-time not very good dominatrix. I believe I was seeing a man who might have been called Giles and who might have been an ex-Etonian. I made him wear a pink lacy ladies thong and crawl around on the floor pretending to be some kind of beast, think I might have made him eat sweets off the floor scattered around too. May have locked him in the hotel wardrobe for a bit. When he was asleep I changed the time on his watch and other devices so that is was an hour or maybe more early. He had an early work meeting the next day which is why he could get away with the hotel escapade but he really didn't want to get up so early. My time play made him get up even earlier. I had left by then.

Presumably none of the above is what a professional dominatrix does, but it amused me to no end. A few months later he tried to see me again.

Just remembered whilst writing this I stole a whip from Ann Summers to whip him with. There was no way I was paying for something so ridiculous.
(Biscuitism Never knowingly oversold, Sat 9 May 2015, 12:41, 1 reply)

I've had a few hundred wanks while thinking about my mate's girlfriend.
She's not even that attractive.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 8 May 2015, 20:54, Reply)

s1.b3ta.com/host/creative/84237/1431544724/url2.gif
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 13 May 2015, 20:19, 2 replies)

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 12 May 2015, 14:52, 38 replies)

I happen to be privy to the fact that Lee Harvey Oswald strapped explosives to Shergar and rode it up the back stairwell of the World Trade Center

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 11 May 2015, 9:17, 2 replies)

This is how the story begins: In a dark, dark town there was a dark, dark street.
etc
tl;dr - my cellar has three bodies in it.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Mon 11 May 2015, 0:07, 1 reply)

I killed my annoying cunt brother's fucking kestrel.
Bastard.
(McChinaman banned, Sun 10 May 2015, 22:35, 2 replies)

In the days when men were men and pubs were pubs,my mate and I went on our local pub's darts n doms teams' annual trip to Blackpool. The day kicked off in the pub at 8am and after a few pints for breakfast, we clambered onto the coach lugging half a dozen crates of pale ale to tide us over until lunch.

After a roast chicken dinner at a large pub outside Blackpool,we staggered onto a large lawn outside and rolled heavy wooden balls across it for a few hours.Bowls,first to 21,but few could be arsed keeping score so the first to lose interest lost the game.An eventual champion was declared and we boarded the coach to hit the pubs and clubs of Blackpool.

Following much boozing and debauchery we found the coach and set off home in the early hours,singing,drinking and generally pissing about,literally in some cases.

Slight problem.It's four in the morning and as I stand swaying at my front door with my besht mate I realise I've lost my key. Bob,I can't use his real name for reasons which will become obvious if I ever get to the point,offered to let me bed down at his place for what was left of the night.

We made it to his house and were met by his wife,who had clearly had a drink or two also.Midway through our little nightcap it was suggested that I join them in their bed to sleep.Having already become aware of the dog hairs on the settee and his wife's ample,soft,curvaceous bosom I didn't feel able to decline the offer.As my best mate snored contentedly,I kissed his wife,caressed her tits and explored her wet pussy.

When I climbed silently between her legs I didn't foresee that in nine months time I would be sitting downstairs sipping tea. Sipping tea and making polite conversation as the newborn twin girls gurgled happily in their carry cots in the corner. Ignoring the fact that they looked remarkably like me.

No, that last bit was a lie.There was no pregnancy.In fact there was no intercourse.I was too pissed to get it up.

Still feel guilty though.
(mallyjoe, Sat 9 May 2015, 13:27, Reply)

I've found Dozy Dozy D's deep dark secret
Here he is!

Hahahaha
( Tesco Quality 60.825659, -0.788337, Fri 8 May 2015, 13:47, 2 replies)

I am a software enginear with a sideline in cosplay soft porn and my partner is an accountant.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 7 May 2015, 20:02, 13 replies)

I was the phantom raspberry blower of old London town
but it was the 1970's and you could get away with a lot more back then


The Phantom Raspberry Blower Of Old London Town EPISODE 1
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 7 May 2015, 18:01, Reply)

Fuck off, plod.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 7 May 2015, 17:51, Reply)