Ruined Beer Festival
Every year I hook up with a bunch of mates at a Beer Fest at a railway museum just outside Colchester. Normally, it's a fantastic occasion, we all roll up to the field adjacent to the festival, pitch tents and enjoy the late summer sunshine, beer and then retire for some quiet banter around a glowing stove.

However, the whole camping thing can be easily ruined by folk who labour under the illusion that everyone else for hundreds of yards around wants to listen to their noise pollution. Okay, I'm first to admit that perhaps in my younger years at the beer festival I was one of those annoying twats with a braying voice, but karma most certainly repaid me a couple of years back.

With the warm, fuzzy glow that tends to accompany some gentle beer imbibing, six of us shambled back to our tents, produced folding chairs and sipped the remnants of Golden Sunrise, Summer Lightning or Scrotts Old Dog's Dick cider, depending on our individual palette preference at the time. However, our peace was broken quite suddenly.

"Wwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Yep, some fifty yards away from us a small child was making a noise to rival that of an air raid siren with the tonal control of Geri Halliwell. Now I do sympathise with the fact that kids are going to be unsettled by being asked to sleep in a strange place, possibly an uncomfortable sleeping bag placed on lumpy ground.

"Wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

However, this child couldn't be more than a few months old.

"Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

So who the cocking hell brings a six month old baby to a beer festival?

"Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!"

What kind of selfish and arrogant attitude determines that everyone else would like nothing more than to listen to little Damien howling away like his leg is being amputated?

"Wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"

The six of us were now tired and the fallout from the six month old holocaust fifty yards away was snuffing out what little conversational exchange was taking place.

"Sssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" I hissed back in the loudest voice I could muster.

"Wwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!" came the plaintive reply.

I replied again "SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" with my finger pressed vertically to my lips for maximum effect.

"Wwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!"

Now I had visions of both parents either lying there comatose and oblivious to junior satan's constant noise, or perhaps in some hugely inadequate way they were being like those utterly ineffectual modern parents the government likes so much. "Now Damien, we'd like it very much if you could possibly be a little quieter for us. It upsets mummy and daddy when you're so noisy".

"Wwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!"

Admitting that I'd lost the battle I retired to my tent, wrapped myself in a sleeping bag and tried to chase the welcoming blackness of sleep. I had a hangover I was looking forward to enjoying in the morning.

"Wwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!"

Dear reader at this point I lost the capacity for reason. With the mumbled curse of "whathecuntingfuckerry?" I slid out of my sleeping bag, threw open the flap of my tent and yelled at the top of my voice:

"DROWN THE FUCKER!"

I'd dropped the nuke. There was hush over the campsite.

"Wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!"

Incensed, I went a step too far.

"EITHER YOU SHUT IT UP OR I'LL DROWN THE FUCKER!"

I stomped back to my tent and slipped into welcoming sleep.

The next morning, I awoke feeling slightly guilty. Despite my b3ta rants, I'm a very peaceful person and I slightly regretted my outburst, especially when a child is concerned.

I opened the flaps to my tent. Sure enough, fifty yards away the Modern Parents (no doubt called Cressida and Tarquin) were throwing me the very darkest of looks. You could see their eyes were saying "How dare that nasty neanderthal insult our dear widdle Damien."

I'd have loved to end this story with a punch, preferably on the end of the nose of Tarquin. However, as the Modern Parents departed in their fashionable BMW estate car, I noted one or two wry smiles from tired looking fellow campers, as I slipped back to bed to enjoy my hangover sleep with the accompaniment of birdsong.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sun 29 Jun 2008, 12:07, 20 replies)

Good work, chap.
It seems there is a plethora of these kind of people around now, just the other day I saw a family outside of a Little Chef at Sutton Scotney services, were potty training their sprog. Right outside the eaterie window, with accompanying straining face, followed by claps and "Good girl, you've done a poo-poo". And then they emptied it down the drain, dirty sods.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 12:13, closed)

*clicks repeatedly*
Genius! Please come round to my local pretentious Fair Trade independent Guardian-reading coffee shop and sort out the designer organic eco-parents with their overengineered pushchairs and cloth bags of Soil Association groceries. Thank you.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 12:14, closed)

Fucking
well done my fellowychap have a clickles
i can't stand this "modern parenting" and that damned ADHD which is just a load of bollocks
how come there was no such thing as ADHD 50 years ago when people routinely twatted their kids with a slipper? we had law and order back then.
I was belted when young and it never did me any harm :)
(Freddles, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 12:18, closed)

Of course...
...none of you ever cried when you were babies. You sat in silence doing the Times crossword puzzle, and sipping port. Babies crying? The country's gone to the dogs, somebody go and find Oswald Moseley and tell him we want him back.
(Zegnar, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 12:56, closed)

If you'd bothered to read the post properly
It isn't about babies crying. Babies cry as sure as eggs are eggs.

It's about appropriateness. Is it appropriate for a baby to cry? Yes. If you live in a street with young families you have no right to complain about noisy kids.

However, it's not appropriate to take a six month old baby to a beer festival where the prime aim is to drink beer and let it wail all night long.

Some parents harbour the attitude that just because their offspring is at the centre of their world then it must be the centre of everyone else's too. Wrong.

As for the toddler being allowed to poo in front of a restaurant, it's not the unfortunate kid's fault. However, I'd pay money to see the contents of the potty being emptied over the heads of the utterly thoughtless parents.

So don't try and bring some half-arsed nazi analogy here, go back and lurk instead.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Sun 29 Jun 2008, 13:17, closed)

Yay! Camping!
And trust me, if it happens this time I'LL drown the fucker.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 13:47, closed)

And Madame Marlboro
I'll help you.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 13:51, closed)

Thanks superchickenlady
I think I spent waaaaay to much time in aeroplanes last year. My tolerance levels are fairly low these days.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 14:12, closed)

@Zegnar
Cry, as a baby? No! Back in the day, my parents had beaten it into me that I was not to cry. Instead I was to sit quietly playing with the bag of broken glass they gave me for Christmas while thanking my lucky stars they hadn't aborted me like they said they wanted to, and that I was fortunate to at least have one working leg to get me down the mine the next morning to help load the pit ponies, because not every malnourished seven year old is lucky enough to have an job. Children these days don't know they're born, what with getting to hang out with grown ups and drink real ale.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 14:13, closed)

*clicks*
That's usually around the time I start twitching, gritting my teeth and want to yell "DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GAFFER TAPE?" with meaningful looks at its parents! Cannot STAND screaming children where it's not appropriate.
( Maladicta, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 16:31, closed)

oh, hell, yes!
similar thing happened to me.
travelling home from spain by coach, very much hungover, a young couple and their 3-month-old baby sat right in front of me. hippies. you could spot them a mile off.
i didn't complain when they changed its stinking, festering, shit-filled nappy whilst i was eating my lunch, i didn't complain when the baby threw up half-curdled milk everywhere, i didn't complain when the bitch of a mother almost crushed me with a reclining seat(there was no need to have it that far back to feed the baby), i didn't even complain when they demanded i turn off the a/c over my chair as baby was getting a draught.
however, when i was woken at 3a.m by baby screaming for food, i was more than a little annoyed. "what's wrong?" i asked. "oh, she's hungry, but i'm not going to feed her, we're trying to get her into a routine" says mrs. twat.
wtf???
"sorry," i said, "but are you telling me that the whole coach has to be kept awake because you want to force your baby to stop asking for food?"
she gave me a really dirty look and said "please don't question my parenting skills, my parentcraft teacher was very impressed, so i know i'm doing it right."
this put the fucking tin lid on it for me.
"listen, you stupid cow" i said. "either shut the crying kid up, or i'm going to fucking punch you one."
well, she jumped up, ran down to the front of the coach and woke the rep to tell her that i'd threatened her, all while baby was still screaming. she came back looking very subdued and fed the baby, who immediately stopped crying.

i spoke to the rep the next morning and she told me that she'd said to the bitch that, if she continued to let her baby disturb the rest of the passengers, she would be asked to get off the coach. take that, hippie parents!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 29 Jun 2008, 23:04, closed)

hopefully...
... next year, they'll bring the new baby too.

Because parents aren't allowed out anywhere, in case their children might upset the poor little single people.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 11:27, closed)

Quite
Parents must either hire a nursemaid to remain at their house with the child, or absent from all social contact, rather than force people to accommodate their selfish and distasteful life choice. We'll tolerate it as long as they don't rub it in our faces, right?
(Zegnar, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 11:41, closed)

Also
You people making physical threats to a child, and to their parents in front of them are pretty messed up, I'd advise getting some help for that.
(Zegnar, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 11:42, closed)

@ zegnar
we don't know these people or their children. they don't know us. we have no physical or emotional bonds to each other. why the fuck should we have to put up with them? a 28-hour coach journey is not the best thing for a very tiny baby, especially not when their ears will pop going across the pyreneese.
having a child was their choice, as was taking it on holiday at 3 months old. i paid for my holiday, just like they did. I DID NOT WANT IT RUINED BY BABY SICK, SHITTY NAPPIES AND CRYING.

that is not unreasonable. expecting strangers to have to put up with your screaming child in the wee hours of the morning because you're too fucking stupid, lazy or stubborn to give it what it wants and needs, THAT is unreasonable.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 13:47, closed)

"why the fuck should we"
A very modern sentiment. We've gone from 'it takes a village to raise a child' to 'having a child was their choice...why the fuck should we'.

Not just because we were all children once; or because most of us will have children; but because those children are the next generation of members of society. We can't regard them as some fringe interest that a few people have but should keep quiet about. You expect parents not to take public transport, go out to events, or go on holiday for 10 years, as thanks?

I'm not a parent, and I don't expect to be for a long while. But when I'm on the tube with a crying baby and the students and the investment bankers are tutting and giving the tired, stressed mother dirty looks while she tries to do the best job she can of raising a child, I think it's pretty fucking disgraceful.
(Zegnar, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 15:31, closed)

you're missing my point
i'm saying that a coach holiday, which entails a very long journey with tired, annoyed passengers is a bad idea when you have a very young baby. they didn't even try to comfort her when her ears popped, ffs. of course most mothers will take thir babies on some form of public transport, that's a given. i just believe it's selfish of the parents to put ther child and other passengers through hell because they can't wait till she's a bit older before they drag her to spain.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 15:50, closed)

Smash monkey
I have a 10month old laddy and agree with your comments completely. I would do everything possible to make him happy and content on a long journey, and do anything possible to make sure he didn't disturb my fellow passengers.

It's common sense - baby cries, parents do everything to make baby not cry. result = lack of dirty looks and grumpy people.

Zegnar - you sound like a bit of a "right-on" knobhead. That is all.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 17:19, closed)

Hang on a second!
All of you who are climbing up onto your parental high horse about this.

I have children.

I take my children out everywhere....and this is the real clincher...

WHERE IT IS APPROPRIATE

And by that I do not mean that I keep them away from all other adults, single or otherwise...

I take my kids to pubs and restaurants...always have done...

BUT

I would never, ever take my children to a place where I was in no fit state to drive home...

IF YOU'RE GOING TO CAMP AT A BEER FESTIVAL YOU ARE PLANNING TO GET PISSED AND NOT DRIVE HOME.

THEREFORE YOU ARE UNFIT TO CARE FOR YOUR CHILD

Unless some of you may have missed that point at parentcraft classes - you should NEVER be drunk in charge of a child.


The answer?

Take your kids (babies too) camping - hell, they're part of society!

But don't take them where they will be at risk...FROM YOU!

Go to a Beer festival without your kids...or wait until they're old enough to be able to care for themselves if you get rat-arsed.

Is it really that difficult?
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 17:21, closed)

@ spikypickle and chickenlady
thank you! someone else who understands that there are some times and places where you should not bring your child with you!
beer festivals and "booze cruise" holidays are not conducive to good child=rearing.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 21:22, closed)