‘Stick’ with me on this…

Right then, now this might exactly blow the ‘cool-o-meter’ of the scale, but in my spare time I am a collector of different types of tree sap. It’s fantastic stuff, and can be used to make maple syrup, herbal remedies, air fresheners etc- it has many more uses than just entombing fossilised mosquitoes for Jurassic Park purposes you know. I have shitloads of the stuff and keep it in jars, stored alphabetically in my garage. Oh, yes, I am ALL MAN I tell you.

Anyhoo, Although I don’t even know the proper name for a tree sap collector, my hobby has led me to having an interest in all things to do with nature and wildlife…and it was in this capacity that I recently went to watch ‘Bee Movie’ starring Jerry Seinfeld (amongst others).

Upon leaving the cinema I was approached by a rather attractive young lady who asked me if I would mind answering some questions on my opinions of the film, and as a thank-you I was to be entered into a prize draw whereby one of the stars of the movie would come to my house and be my guest, he or she would sign autographs etc, before escorting me in a chauffer-driven limousine to the Ivy restaurant in London whereby I would be treated to a slap-up dinner before going to see a West End show.

Suffice to say – I didn’t think I stood a cunt’s chance of winning, so you can imagine my surprise when I was called and informed that I was one of 6 people that had won! Woo etc! I was then placed in another draw to find out which movie star would be my guest etc. The list was…

Bee Guest:
A. Jerry Seinfeld
B. Renée Zellweger
C. John Goodman
D. Matthew Broderick
E. Chris Rock
F. Patrick Warburton

I could hardly breathe with excitement as the draw was made… (It was a conference call thing with the other 5 winners on the line). I wasn’t really bothered who I got so was overjoyed when it was revealed that I was going to see Guest D - Matthew Broderick.

As the big day approached, I thought of all the questions I would ask him…’What was it like filming Ferris Beuller?’, ‘Did you have creative input in Godzilla, and if so, why was it such utter armpit?’, and ‘What’s it like being married to a horse faced moomin-momma?’ (Actually, they were the only 3 questions I could think of!)

The day finally arrived and all my family were round my house waiting to catch a glimpse of Matthew. I was in my best suit and although I’m not normally star struck, the moment I heard the knock on my door I thought I was going to faint.

But of course, as these pages have shown, the anticipation never matches the experience. As I opened the door, there he was, dressed like a mong and looking miserable ‘Let’s get this thing fucking over with’ he said.

I introduced him to my family who politely asked for his autograph and were promptly told to cock off. He stayed for about 3 minutes before saying to me, ‘Right, let’s get to the restaurant you cuntbag’

I was crushed, I was desperate to show him my tree sap collection and impress him yet here he was...acting like a proper wankbasket. I wasn’t going to give up though; I filled my suit pockets with a couple of my favourite jars, just in case the conversation cropped up later.

The trip in the limousine was awful. Matthew didn’t even acknowledge me; he just sat sniffing lines of coke and downing scotch like it was water. I couldn’t believe that this was ‘night of my life’ I had looked forward to so much.

When we arrived at the restaurant, He went straight to the bar and didn’t wait for me to catch up with him. As we were informed our table was ready, he mooched over, spilling his drink before demanding that some other people give up their tables for him, because he said he was ‘worth more than these useless fuckers’. I was so embarrassed…and seething with anger.

As he sat down we were each presented with a massive steak and two razor sharp knives. As I fantasised about ramming my blade into the shortarsed cumsponge’s eyesocket, Matthew slipped with his knife, slicing through his arm and severing his arteries!

Everybody screamed, and Matthew slumped over the table unconscious as his bodyguard uselessly shat bricks.

‘Somebody call an ambulance’ I cried, in secret shame as I had wished for this to happen. As guilt overtook me, I thought about doing something to help him – any kind of first aid must be useful – the man was dying!

Suddenly remembering my knowledge on tree-sap and its possible healing properties, I reached into my pocket, pulled out a jar and smeared the gloop over his gaping wound as it pumped blood like piss from the veins.

Miraculously, before my very eyes, the wound began to heal. The bleeding stopped, the flesh began to re-appear and the skin began growing to accommodate where there had previously been just a hideous gory mess.

In just a few moments, it was as if the accident had never taken place and Matthew was fully healed and conscious. Not only that, he was sober and clean.

Fair play to him, he was quick to be thankful and apologise.

“I’m so sorry, I was such an asshole to you, and you saved my life!” He said, “How can I ever repay you?”

“Don’t worry about it”, I said, being humbly heroic.

We finished our meals and went to the show, but Matthew was a changed man. Keen to hear about my sap collection, bright, cheerful and generous, we had a fantastic time and became close friends. He has even paid to fly me in Hollywood, where I stayed at his and Sarah’s house where he took me out to see his A-list buddies and introduced me as his ‘saviour’.

The other day, I received a call from Matthew.

“Pooflake ol’ buddy” he said, “I can’t get over how great that stuff was that saved my life that day. You should bottle it and sell it as a miracle healer”

He was on to something…I had stumbled across something that could change mankind forever…and make me a fortune in the process! All that was missing was the name. I wanted to Include ‘Matthew Broderick’ in the naming of the creation but was advised against it by his lawyers. So I thought long and hard. What could I call it that somehow honoured my friend but didn’t name him?

…and then it came to me.

…

I called it ‘My Bee Guest ‘D’ Sap ointment’
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Mon 30 Jun 2008, 15:56, 14 replies)

you blew it
with cuntbag.

I know for a fact Broderick calls people like us Fuckysucks

still, good punnage if too many words!
(Halfy By light alone, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:00, closed)

What I like most about you Pooflake is.....
............shit, can't remember now.




Arrrggghhhhhhhh!
( girlinthehole, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:00, closed)

Right, that's it
*Gets out the rolled up newspaper*

Do
*Smack*
Not!
*Smack*
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:01, closed)

WTF and LOL
Spring to mind.




while I stab you to death
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:09, closed)

I was so disappointed
I didn't see that coming.

I'll try to pretend it never happened.

*clicks through sheer perversity*
( FeralCatMan Unusual disease collector., Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:09, closed)

I got as far as
"Collector of tree-sap", then scrolled down to the last line and username.

Nice try, but too long to waste my precious, precious time on, Mr. Gaypond.
( Cawl, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:11, closed)

My biggest disappointment
Reading ALL of that only to be finished with a woeful pun.


-D could try harder....
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:21, closed)

Well I thought
it was brilliant!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:34, closed)

Booooo!
-500 points for a pun so bad its coming back round to being good, but +501 points for effort.

*clicks*
(CaptnJack isn't really called Jack!, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:36, closed)

Call me a masochist...
...but I love a long tale (fnarr fnarr) topped off with a pun that stinks so badly it could knock out an elephant.

And for that reason I *click* on this.
(I Was a Teenage Spaceship, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 16:40, closed)

Terrible
*click*
( waffle1 is lurking on, Mon 30 Jun 2008, 19:04, closed)

Pooflake..
Absolute. Genius.
(stiglfc And the big wheel keep on turnin', Mon 30 Jun 2008, 23:06, closed)

That was almost physically painful
*clicks*
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 0:14, closed)

HA
click!
(Ed Quarters has moved house!, Wed 2 Jul 2008, 16:08, closed)