more DIY car repairs
Ruptured your fuel tank? Not sure how to get petrol into the engine? Just build one of these babies out of a spare jerry can and the windscreen washer tubing, and run it straight into the carburettor:


Just don't lean out the window for a smoke. Oh, and remember that the fuel gauge will no longer work. And you won't be able to wash your windscreen.

(The fuel tank, by the way, was the least of our problems.)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:41, 68 replies)

Superb
Gets a click for sure.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:42, closed)

Ingenius!
Like a tiny metallic Elephant, dispensing it's trunk fuel to feed it's engine baby.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:44, closed)

...
And that's why I shouldn't come to Mongolia with you. I don't even know what a carburettor is.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:45, closed)

^
neither did I until I spent 55 hours in a French toll booth car park holding a torch over a clapped out jeep. I also now know the French for "crankshaft".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:46, closed)

Isn't it
le crankshaft?
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)

le crankshaft?
Definite click for ingenuity if nothing else!

Love the background - steppe somewhere?
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:49, closed)

after having got stranded in an Orléans car park...
...I took a stab at the French for "I think my alternator's bust" being "Je pense que l'alternateur ne marche pas", and was right. Woo!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:50, closed)

mais non, singe-sexe,
c'est le vile-brequin.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

@Edmund
Just south of the Tsagaanuur border crossing, Western Mongolia.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:52, closed)

Singed sex?
*sharply takes in breath*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:52, closed)

@Enzyme
You do indeed have gaps in your automotive knowledge. It's 'alternator'.

Wouldn't know what the French word for it is though.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:55, closed)

@K2k6
Ah, oui - d'accord. Je m'excuse. Regardez, mainteant: tout fait mieux!
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:58, closed)

^
and what is the French for "ninja"?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 12:59, closed)

^
le ninj.

Not to be confused with le minj
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:01, closed)

Mind you
I do know the French for battery (batterie) and clutch (embrayage) as they both went tits up (seins vers le haut?) when I first took a car over to France.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:02, closed)

Al...!
I can't believe you lowered the tone

AGAIN.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:03, closed)

Ninjer
Je voulait dire "je le suis ninjé"...

NINJER
Je ninje, tu ninjes, il ninjet, nous ninjons, vous ninjez, ils ninjent. Comme vous pouvez voir, la verbe prend pas "avoir", mais "être".

Bon.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:05, closed)

Je suis un
pickle.

All the french I'll ever need to know, because they smell. BAD.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

^^
Althegeordie and Bert, get a room will ya.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

that and
le sange et sur la branche
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

@BGB
we did, but it's got a bit goat milky in there.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:07, closed)

Hold this for me a sec, Al
*hands over goat milk encrusted butt plug*

BGB, it's up to us what we do, it's nobody else's business who we fall in love with!
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

Useful French phrases
There are only a few phrases required when in France, to satisfy most human needs (excluding monkey-related needs, of course).

Deux bières, s'il vous plait.

Avez-vous une chambre disponible?

and of course

Voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir?
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:10, closed)

Yup I read about your goaty goodness!!
If I wasn't so turned on I'd be tutting right now.

K2K6 - why would you want a disposable shirt?
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:12, closed)

you're more than welcome to join us, BGB
But it's strictly BYOBilly.

BGB, I think it means free room... Chambre=Room

Cha-something else means shirt.

But, K2K6, two beers, free room, would you like to join me... is it a man you're trying to seduce?
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:13, closed)

@BGB
"Chemise" means shirt. "Chambre" means room.

So, using the above phrases you can get a pint, a bed for the night, and a shag.

Well, you can ask for them at least.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:17, closed)

@Bert
What's BYOBILLY?

I've heard K2K6 isn't fussy!
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

While we're at it...
"Chamois" would cover the goat.

As it were.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:22, closed)

@BGB -Bring your own Billy Goat
K2K6 may not be fussy, but with me and Al already going at it, this place is getting to be like a sausage factory.
Any female volunteers, human, or goat, are welcome.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:23, closed)

@Bert
Er, no. I wasn't!

*deepens voice*

I may not be fussy, as BGB says, but my sexual partners do at least have to be female. And preferably human.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:25, closed)

K2K6
What if Enzyme had a shave, tied his hair back, and got on his knees...?
You would, wouldn't you?

I know I would.
*apologises to Enzyme*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:27, closed)

@ Bert
I think you'll make Enzyme blush in a minute.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:29, closed)

!!!
*runs for cover*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:30, closed)

On you go, Bert
Not my type...he's all yours.

*also apologises to Enzyme*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

Fill it up with water
This reminds me of a story,

My dear dad was touring through Africa in the mid 70's when his fuel tank developed a hole.

Having a jerry-can in the car he was easily able to divert the fuel intake through the boot into the can and keep going.

However, this didn't stop him pulling into every fuel station and asking the attendant to fill the tank to the top with water...
(zero.coke, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

I was just thinking
about the other week when there was that discussion about CHCB in her sex dungeon, I felt like I couldn't participate because that would be disrespectful towards my mrs...

Yet i have no qualms about gay and/or goat sex. Meh.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:32, closed)

^
and posting about your and her and the DIY sex isn't disrespectful to your missus? ;)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:34, closed)

Of course it isn't!
That was just a vaguely amusing incident, she'd see the funny side to it.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:36, closed)

Bloody hell Bert
I go out for half an hour and you leave me and my goat for a clean shaven Enzyme.

I'm hurt.

But, since we're back talking about the sex dungeon, and it's S&M Tuesday and all...
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:38, closed)

@Al
Didn't you know that Enzyme is thinking women's crumpet!

*apologies to Enzyme but it's true*
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:41, closed)

^
seconded, but swapping "crumpet" for "rock-cake".

*apologises to Enzyme for nothing*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:41, closed)

There you go al,
lowering the tone again with your sex dungeons.

You know there will always, always be a special place in my pants for you, and the goat.

Thinking women? *OXYMORON ALERT!*

*awaits slappings*
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:42, closed)

@BGB, CHCB
Awwwww, shucks.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:43, closed)

^
It's actually spelled "sucks".
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:46, closed)

^^
MFOTFABL
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:47, closed)

Whereas..
Bert and Al are the comotosed women's crumpet.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:54, closed)

or
the thinking goat's crumpet.

*apologises to goat*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:56, closed)

Comatose
Or heavily sedated, either way really.
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:56, closed)

BGB and CHCB
Oi! That really hurts my feelings!

I would never do anything to a comatose woman....

...see? There isn't even a punchline or anything.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:58, closed)

Sorry CHCB
But I think the goat would have to be comotose also. *laughs*

Edit. I do love you both really!
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 13:59, closed)

^ ah now,
I said "goat", not "woman"!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:00, closed)

Click
Cos you're pretty :-)

And the photo's fun too - ha ha :o)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:01, closed)

I'm starting to get concerned
that this may have gone a little too far.

*shifts uncomfortably in his seat*

*removes goats milk encrusted butt plug*

*sits more comfortably*
(Bazongaloid, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:03, closed)

Rubbish!
I go to the pub for lunch and things explode while I'm away.

And everyone but me gets "crumpet" brandings.

I hate Tuesdays.

*cries*
( Cawl, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:07, closed)

@Kaol...
I'm sure you could be the thinking crumpet's manwife...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:11, closed)

Kaol!
You can be confused women's crumpet.
( girlinthehole, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:11, closed)

I may not be crumpet
But I have today had a style of fanny-maintenance named after me.

*beams proudly*
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:14, closed)

Can I be
the confused crumpet's monkey?
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:14, closed)

Confused?
As in "this mysterious man has just held a rag, that may or may not smell of chloroform to my mouth... Hmmm... How confusing."?

Or "confused" as in a polite way of saying "mentally ill"?
( Cawl, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:14, closed)

The polite way of saying mentally ill
is 'psychologically hilarious', everybody knows that.
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:16, closed)

Erm, CHCB...
FWIW, I agree with James_Tiger_Woods, above.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:40, closed)

It's suddenly gone really quiet
I'm alone, all by myself,
don't need anyone at all,
I know I'll survive,
I know I'll...
..stay alive.

/Madonna
(tiger blood and Adonis DNA, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 14:41, closed)

From slightly dodgy DIY car maintenance...
To disguising Enzyme as a woman and making him perform an act of fellatio in just a few replies...

I worry about you lot sometimes, I really do...






Not really, I've just been in a meeting all day and have missed out on all the fun. Hmmph.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 8 Apr 2008, 16:13, closed)

Dressed as a woman?
Whence came that?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 16:23, closed)

^ahh
now it gets interesting.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 16:34, closed)

OK, maybe not dressed as woman...
but the scraping the hair back put the image into my head and...

Oh, bugger it. I'm tired and have just emerged from an all day meeting about rural development and hill farming. I don't have to justify myself to you lot...

*Looks at watch and wonders if it' time to go home yet*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 8 Apr 2008, 16:50, closed)

hill farming?
...goats??
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 8 Apr 2008, 16:52, closed)

^ hill farming...
Sheep, mostly... and the marketing/pimping of...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 8 Apr 2008, 16:53, closed)