unintentional ice-rink
A few years back I was a supervisor in Halfords. (a chain of shops that sells car parts and accessories and bicycles, for non uk people)

We had a uniform that consisted at the time of funky blue trousers and shirts, to which we had to add black shoes of out choice.
Being slovenly blokes, the shoes were always a bit tatty-looking.
On a visit by the area manager, he remarked that our shoes all needed a bit of polish. He was due back the next day. Obviously no-one had any polish or remembered to get any so at the last minute I thought that spraying some cheap dashboard cleaner would bring them up nicely. I grabbed a tin off the shelf and we all sprayed our shoes in the warehouse (concrete floor) they came up nicely and we reckoned we would get away with it.
Until we set foot on the tiled shop floor - our shoes were now incredibly slippy and none of us could walk for more than about 20 paces without falling over. we were all sliding about like a bunch of drunks on an icy pavement and most of us were in tears of laughter for most of the morning. The boss didnt see the funny side.
(dave likes cheese, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 22:42, 2 replies)

punched myself in the face really really hard.
A while back I was in the workshop doing a job that involved cutting through some very sticky masitc glue stuff to remove a bit of aluminium moulding. I was using one of those knives with the big long blade that you can snap sections off as it becomes blunt.
I was forcing really hard when the blade slipped and my hand shot upwards and I punched myself in the nose hard enough to make me see stars and have to sit down.
It was then I realised how close I had come to stabbing myself in the face. :(
(dave likes cheese, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 22:34, Reply)

erk
After a political rally i decided to stand up in the car and wave to my fellow supporters...cant help thinking that that was a bad move :(

i'm sorry...gets coat
(Foulkesy123 The one and only..., Thu 27 Dec 2007, 22:29, 3 replies)

New to clipless pedals
I was visiting an ex-boyfriend who was a keen cyclist, and we decided to go out for a ride. We lived far apart and I didn't have a car, so I didn't have a bicycle with me (couldn't take them on the bus in them days). No matter, says ex Mr. Armadillo, you can borrow one. Fine, save for one little problem: the bike had clipless pedals. They're fine once you get used to them, but I wasn't, and I practiced for a bit. Once I felt comfortable, off we rode. Before we went anywhere, I decided that I needed some money, so we went through the drive-through ATM around the corner. So, pedal through waiting area, snap LEFT foot off pedal to stop at ATM...and instinctively try and put down my RIGHT foot, leaning to the right. It didn't snap out in time, naturally, despite my frantic ankle twisting. I hit my head quite hard on the cement surrounding the ATM. Luckily, I was wearing a helmet, or I probably would have ended up with a concussion.

Needless to say, I had the piss taken for the rest of the relationship on the strength of this incident.

Edited to add: For those not familiar with clipless pedals, you have to wear a special pair of cycling shoes to use them that have a cleat in the bottom. The cleat locks onto the pedal, and you have to twist your ankle to get it off.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 22:22, 3 replies)

not sure if this counts but i laughed...
recently at work we had to take apart a display shelf made of wood,

basiccly we had to beat it into a loads of pieces and say it was 'broken' on teh shop floor, so we were told to use what ever we could to break it up.

i chose a lump hammer.

so there i was twatting this shelf into umpteen pieces, and i sneeze....
just as my NEW boss walks into the room...

the hammer flys out f my hand and straight into his balls...

you may ask what is dumb about that?

i denied any involvment.

even though i was the only one in the room with him at the time..

i laughed so hard i blew snot bubbles..
(tweedleDUMB Giving Up Smoking, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 21:01, 1 reply)

Drilling Tiles
We had the bathroom tiled not so long ago and I was putting up a new bathroom cabinet and had to drill two holes in the new tiles. Trying to get the bit to take on the first hole was proving quite troublesome. After about 15 minutes all I seemed to have achieved was a small circle just bigger than a pin hole. It looked like a tiny scorch mark.

Hmmmm thinks I... “Must be the wrong sort of drill bit or sumfing like that”. So off to Home Base I go and purchase some new bits.

When I returned home and put the new bit in the drill I realised that I had knocked the switch to reverse and had been trying to drill a tile with the drill rotating the wrong way.

Those two holes were drilled in less than 5 minutes after that.

Doh!
(SillyMoo, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 20:10, 3 replies)

Mornings and lifts.
I was in the lift about to leave the building when it stopped. There were people outside the lift and i scowled at them for not giving me the chance to get out before they entered. I then strolled out of the lift and went round the corner towards the exit. Except the exit wasn't there. Instead there was a window showing the view from the third floor. I heard the lift doors about to close, realising i could stop the doors and jump back in, i was faced with i dilemma. Do I get in the lift and look like a twat who got off at the wrong floor or do I leg it down the stairs and look like I meant to get out at that floor?

I chose the latter and just made it out the building before the lift stopped.

I wouldn't mind but this ain't the first time.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 18:43, Reply)

I don't agree but some would argue that.....
Getting certain parts of my anatomy peirced was very dumb - and at the time I would have concurred. *OUCH*

*And before anybody asks again - NO BLOODY PICTURES*
( girlinthehole, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 18:14, 17 replies)

Supermarket Self-Checkouts
As with computers, it seems when you put most people in front of a self checkout till they lose about 80 IQ points. I've seen people do all manner of inexplicable things at these tills, but the best has to be the time a quite young woman (so no 'senile' excuse) was, for a good minute or so, trying to scan a lettuce.
(bobming, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:07, 4 replies)

I got a new DRILL!!!!
I got a new drill a few weeks ago and was planning on doing some drilling!!!!

I plugged it in and I was ready to GO DRILL SOME STUFF!!!

All I need to do now is open the plastic bag which contains the screws.... I know, I'll USE THE DRILL!!!

As the cutting impliments are in the next room I used the drill as a primitive scissoring device which promptly wound the whole bag of screws and some of my finger up in to the drill bit causing blood, girlish screams and a shower of sharp screws...

End result: I have to do all my drilling and screwing (fnarrr!) with a poorly hand and niggling feelings of self-loathing as a result of my blatant foolishness which sort of ruined the whole drill experience...

Until I remembered you can do the robot dance with drill noise sound effects!!

YAY!!! Drill drill drill....
(aroe_m0rre, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:07, 5 replies)

Some people shouldn't be allowed to teach
This was recalled by someone much earlier telling tales of scientists doing stupid things.

For my sins, I am a science teacher in what would be politely referred to as a 'Comprehensive' school. Seeing as we're in the near-vicinity of several grammar schools, we are in fact more of a bottom-feeder. Needless to say, any illusions I once possessed of being a cross between Mr Chips and Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society have been crushed under the sheer weight of imbecility I have to deal with while attempting to be inspirational.

Most of the teenage twunts I have to deal with aren't permitted to go near glass or tweezers, let alone Bunsen burners, because of their incessant need to attempt to burn, lacerate or throw things at each other, rather than carry out the carefully-planned and sterile experiment I had in mind. The aforesaid seem to be very contented with the 'turn to page 152 and copy this diagram' style of teaching. It keeps them out of my hair while I sit at my desk and read b3ta and my email under the guise of 'writing reports'.

But every now and then, I get a fresh intake of wide-eyed youngsters who are pretty well-behaved and I feel inclined to show a bit of practical work to. So the first thing we do is a little Health And Safety exercise. I say 'little' - this can often drag on for several lessons. We're talking here about youngsters who will look straight down into a lit Bunsen to 'see if it is working properly', and take a sip of sodium hydroxide because they weren't sure what it was and thought their gustatory senses would be better able to cope with it than the complicated business of reading a fecking great big label with 'caustic soda - harmful' written on in child-friendly 50-point Comic Sans.

So, eventually, we work our way round to 'safely handling glassware', for which I have to demonstrate the use of a test tube rack. I make sure to warn the little chitterlings not to put anything containing glass on the edge of the bench and never to put an empty tube straight onto the bench, because it will roll straight off and break. I also deliver a stern lecture on the perils of broken glass, not trying to clear it up themselves, and making sure they don't have more contact with it than necessary. I tell gruesome, and largely fictional, tales of what happens to people when fragments of glass get into the bloodstream or the digestive system. To be honest, I terrify this bunch of 11-year-olds about as much as amorphous silica ever could do.

And then I lean over to the sink to carefully rinse out the tube I had been showing them. I had neglected to wear my lab coat for this bit of the lesson, as it's bulky and smells of cats' piss, for reasons that I've never been able to identify.

The corner of my suit jacket catches in a tub of 50 test tubes which I had, against my prudent advice, left on the edge of the bench. 50 test tubes shatter on the floor. I don't think I've ever seen so much broken glass. The floor of the lab ceases to be pristinely swept and now more closely resembles the shoot-out scene from The Matrix.

Every pupil in the room instantly flattens themselves against the back wall, terrified in their new knowledge that they might "inhale some and rupture their pulmonary blood vessels" (why did I tell them that? Why?!). The inevitable cynical kid, that even the nicest class always contains, is pissing himself laughing. The words "Oh Cock" have unavoidably escaped my lips and the Teaching Assistant, who is a firm Catholic, is standing there mortified and already composing a letter of complaint to the Head.

As I tell the youngsters not to worry (so much), I shift slightly towards my trusty dustpan-and-brush and realise that a large shard of hitherto test tube has somehow entered the top of my shoe and is burrowing along my instep, apprarently intent on severing any tendons it may encounter. The blood is already oozing out of my tasteful grey sock. Several pupils are then further alarmed by my bellowing like a werewolf with his goolies trapped in a vice.

I bend down to remove the offending glass, headbutt the bench on the way down, and collapse in a heap on the floor. Only the certain knowledge that there will be chaos if I pass out stops me going for a little sleep right there and then.

Trying to regain what's left of my composure, I lever myself up on the side of the desk, and address the class: "OK. Now you need to open the textbook to page 152 and copy the diagram".

Length? A full page of your exercise book, and don't forget to label with a pencil and a ruler.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 17:02, 14 replies)

Rushing related accidents
Most of the dumb things I've done seem to have been as a direct result of rushing through something. I know I should be more careful, and yet I cut corners to get it done. I think I've learned my lesson now, though, after my most recent incident.

I was at work late on a Friday afternoon, trying to finish up some doors for an industrial air conditioning unit I was building. Of course, I was trying to get away for the weekend as quickly as possible. Normally, I would clamp all four corners with large Bessie clamps, then drill. However, in my haste to get done, I decided to clamp only one corner. Of course, this gives things an opportunity to pivot, and pivot they did. I ended up with a 1/8" drill bit embedded in the first knuckle on my first finger on my right hand. Miraculously, I wasn't too badly hurt: it seemed to miss the tendons. I washed it, wrapped it, and it was fine about a month later.

I was lucky that time, but the moral is definitely don't rush through jobs to get them done. It's dumb, and you'll end up hurting yourself/taking longer to fix the mistakes/getting a bollocking from your boss for cocking something up.
(BlackArmadillo Avoided writing that article on, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 16:16, Reply)

Bought my 7 year old daughter a quad bike for xmas.
And then let her ride it in the dark on a country road...


Sorry its too soon isnt it?

- gets coat.
(Miggyman, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 16:09, 4 replies)

Fire!
Just remembered this one and it’s a “not-me-but”…

Whilst in the last year of school I went to hang around with a bunch of mates who were a bit boisterous to say the least. Let’s call them David and Matt, for that was the names their parents had given them.

We were going through the “fire and burning things” stage of life that all young boys go though and this hot Saturday looked as fine a day as any for some adolescent pyrotechnics. This being a fair few years back the petrol station attendant didn’t bat an eyelid at three spotty teenagers filling up a jerry can. We paid our £1.50 and departed back to David’s house, his parents were away for the afternoon so we wouldn’t be disturbed.

Fast forward to when we reach our destination and we now need some other container to put some of the petrol in… After rummaging around in the kitchen we find a Kia Ora orange squash bottle that’s about empty so we all polish that off (hardcore or what?) and then proceed to fill the bottle from the jerry can using the black filler nozzle that screws onto the can.

To set the scene we were filling this bottle on the back doorstep of the house outside the kitchen. The filler nozzle fitted inside the Kia Ora bottle very tightly and this was going to prove to be our doom. As I filled the bottle and it reached the top I withdrew the nozzle and the weirdest thing happened – a six foot cloud of petrol squirted up from the bottle and covered the entire door frame and surrounding brickwork. Cue astonishment and then manic laughing from Matt who then calmly produced a box of matches, lit one and threw it on the door step. The entire doorframe was then instantly alight. Cue panic shutting of doors flapping around etc… The fire lasted for about a minute and I believe that Matt lost some hair and the door needed re-painting. All the neighbours saw it and those two guys got in a shit load of trouble. Somehow I was not involved as far as the parents were concerned.

I’m still not sure what caused the petrol to squirt up like that. It could have been something to do with the tight fitting and possibly squeezing the Kia Ora bottle or some other physics phenomenon. It was an impressive fire to say the least but talk about a stupid thing to do.
(SillyMoo, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 16:07, 1 reply)

telephone cables
reminds me of something my ex did. I was repairing the extension wire from the phone. re soldering the wires together as it had somehow snapped. But stupidly i left it plugged in. My ex comes in and is like, is that ok to do that when its plugged in? I said, yes its fine as theres only volts going down the line if the phone rings. And as it was 11pm it was unlikely.
A minute or so later and im just using the human wire strippers (teeth) and suddenly i feel an absolutle whack in the mouth. OWCH! She decided to test my theory and ring the phone from her mobile.

Cheers luv!
(Miggyman, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 15:42, 3 replies)

when i was a kid...
I tried spacehopping down the stairs. Whacked myself out on the top of the door frame at the bottom.
So just stuck to lilo'ing down the stairs instead.

Unwrapped a stocking filler at xmas which i thought was a blackcurrant drink.. turned out to be bubble bath.

Poked my younger brother in the eye to make sure he couldnt cheat the blindfold.

Tried to pull a wheely on a bike where the handlebars were loose.

Dropped the tin of coco powder on the carpeted kitchen floor. Then decided a bit of water would help clear it up.

Íll no doubt think of more soon. I did many stupid things.
(Miggyman, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 15:26, 3 replies)

My brother (he's gonna hate me for this)...
...once came running to the kitchen sink, foaming at the mouth and nose and with (rightly so) a look of panic on his face. After minutes of spitting, dry heaving, trying to drink water etc to clear it all, he was finally able to explain.

He'd had a dodgy stomach, hadn't bothered to read the instructions on a packet of alka-seltzer and assumed they were to be swallowed with water like every other pill he'd ever come across...
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 15:11, 4 replies)

In keeping with a post below...
on the subject of relationships-

I left a marriage that was full of emotional and verbal abuse, one in which I was being gradually forced into a position that I really didn't want to be in by an increasingly shrill and screeching control freak of a harpy. She fit all of the classic signs of an abuser- how I didn't see this for that many years still mystifies me- and when I was finally separated from her, I knew that I needed to do a lot of self-evaluation and healing.

So what did I do? I found a woman who I could talk to, whose manner fit well with my own, and who I felt comfortable with. I found her within a couple of months of moving out. And do you know why she felt familiar and comfortable? Because I had found my ex-wife in a different body.

You know how some people just keep going from one bad relationship to another? How some women seem to only be attracted to losers? It's because they don't take a good close look at the person they just left, so when they meet another person who drinks a lot, has a loud and flambuoyant lifestyle and won't let anyone push them around, they don't recognize that the new person is just another abusive self-centered asshole like the one they just left.

Even now I still get a chill when I think about just how close I came to falling into that particular trap. *jibblies*

Lesson to be learned: when you get out of a relationship, don't spring immediately into another one. Take some time to really dig inside yourself and figure out not only what they did wrong to you, but what you did wrong to end up in that bad situation. And take the time to figure out what the characteristics of your ex were that should serve as warning signs, so you don't end up just going into an identically bad situation.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 27 Dec 2007, 14:50, 6 replies)

not me but a mate.....
year 9 at school and we were about to sit are english exam to see what groups (high,low that stuff)we'd be in next year..........my mate was in bottom.....he got stoned and ate a worm he spent the next year in the top group with me......

Length? bout 4 inches of worm
(the heretic, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 14:39, 10 replies)

Don't piss the dog off...
When I was 7 years old. I was perched on the foot of the stairs with 'Prince', the family labrador sat loyally at my feet.

Wondering if dogs feel pain, I took the compass that my irresponsible sister had left lying around and plunged it into Princes' heed.

I can now confirm that dogs do indeed feel pain, but not half as much as I did when the little shitbag bit my hand leaving me with a scar to this very day.

Bastard dog, and I blame my bitch sister for getting me bitten...
( addickted has attained freedom, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 13:51, 6 replies)

Scale Models
My decidedly geeky* hobby is building and flying large radio controlled scale models.

Anyway I had just finished a lovely model of a Hawker Hurricane and assembled it ready for engine runs and stood back and admired my work. Some photos in order I thought.

I bent over to casually wipe some dust away from the wing at the same time the screwdriver in my top pocket made its bid for freedom straight through the covering of the wing.

24 months work.

Full wing recover.

Fucksocks.

*yeah, and I don't care!
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 13:30, 4 replies)

This is one for the Darwin Awards
Lying in the bath aged 9 or 10. I notice the bulb is missing from the socket above my head. The lightswitch was one of those string things that you pull. Hmmm... was the electricity on or off? There was only one way to be sure - stand up and poke my fingers into the socket!

One blue flash and loud bang later and I had to go have a lie down. :-(
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Thu 27 Dec 2007, 12:04, 2 replies)

Twas a beautiful Christmas morning....
Enough of that shit! Basically I was brushing my teeth post bath when one of my cute little kittens walks in to the bath room to say hello. Not being the most dextrous of cats he managed to slip into the bath.
Anyway, after heroically saving him; while being clawed, I wrapped him in a towel. But no, he decided that darting off down the stairs and sitting by an extension lead would be a far superior way to dry out. The last thing I remember is pursuing him down the stairs.

When my girlfriend found me I was in a heap at the bottom of the stairs, naked with tooth paste foam around my mouth!

Apparently I slipped on the wet tiles; that will teach me to ever try and help anyone or anything!

The worst part is I really fucked my finger and was unable to play all those sexy games I got for my new PC.

(I'm sure there will be photos somewhere on teh net, some time soon.)
(Valuablelesson, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:50, Reply)

Many many years ago...
...I worked in a little sales company in the middle of rural Essex.

One day we decided to build a partition wall to split the large office into 1 smaller one and a reception area.

This took a few days, and at one point consisted of bare studwork (wooden frame), and a door propped in the doorway, unattached. To get from one side to the other you had to slip through a gap in the studding.

(Within about a day) I forgot and tried to go through the door. Luckily my colleague was sitting the other side of the wall, and looked up just in time to see the door falling gently towards him, accompanied my me, hand on doorknob, feet jammed against the bottom of the door, unable to do anything.

He managed to get up and put his shoulder to it, and pushed us back upright. Then he called me a twat =)
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:22, Reply)

Self-harm with a steering wheel
About 20 years ago, decided to replace the bus-sized steering wheel on my Mini 850 with a sporty faux-leather sports jobby.

Old steering wheel successfully removed, I fitted the new one and went for a quick spin. All was well, exceot that the wheel was off-centre, pointing a bit left when the car was going straight. Not being happy with this state of affairs, I decided to remove the wheel and replace it correctly, except that it wouldn't come off. I tried pulling it, tapping it, wiggling it, cajoling it and threatening it, but it just wouldn't come off the spline shaft.

After 2 hours, I was really losing my temper and had my feet on the dashboard and my arms behind the wheel, pulling it towards me as hard as I could, without actually considering what would happen if it came off...

Which it duly did, enabling me to smash myself in the face with the rim of the wheel, breaking my nose and cutting my lip badly enough to require 3 stitches.

Ah, happy days...
(Toooldforallthis, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:08, 3 replies)

Ok, so I'm sure lots of these stories start with "getting married"...
The stupidest thing I've ever done is try and be something I'm not to fit in with girls I've gone out with. My last 3 girlfriends were all older than me and had kids, and over the time I was with each of them I tried to accommodate what they wanted and told myself that I was happy making compromises because that's what life's all about.

The worst of the 3 was the last one (who I actually married); in the 3 years I was with her I practically lost contact with quite a few of my friends and even some of my family because she either didn't like them, didn't want to meet them or had always got things planned for us to do so that I didn't have the time.

I play guitar (not in a band at the moment, through moving to Derby and not knowing anyone, but I will be in a band again). With my wife, although she knew I was in a band before we got married, she decided that rehearsing once a week and playing a gig every couple of months meant that I was away from her as much as could be tolerated and if I started getting more gigs then I'd have to decide where my priorities were and probably leave the band at that point... there are many more examples but I don't want this to just turn into a rant.

Now, I'm living with another b3tan, and we get on like a house on fire. We've been together since May and we haven't had one argument or fight. We love each other's company and most importantly, we respect each other's individual interests and needs. I can go and rehearse without feeling like I need to hurry back or else, and if I get gigs all over the place that will be cool (and ironically because of this I don't want to be out playing all the time). Similarly, we can both go out and see our friends and we both understand that it's not always essential that we do this together; she's off to London for a couple of days in January to see her friend and that's totally cool.

For the first time, I can be myself and it feels great to be accepted for that, without having to try and be what someone else wants me to be.

So... I'm not advising you all to go home and leave your partners if you're not happy, but make sure that it's not you who's doing all the compromising, make sure you're being allowed to live your life too.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 11:07, 17 replies)

Fireball
While tinkering with an RC car when I was about 12 or so, I was in my bedroom cleaning adhesive residue off something or other by rubbing it with a WD40 soaked rag. Having done that, I thought it might be fun to light the rag and wave it around a bit before blowing it out*.

Whump! It was such a fireball that I dropped it instantly out of shock and burned fingers, and started stamping on it frantically to put it out.

It wasn't working, but I could think if nothing else at the time. It took what seemed like hours to put it out, and when I did I could hear my mum shouting as she came up the stairs, "What are you doing up there?". I shoved the rag under my bed**, picked up my guitar and shouted back "headbanging!", just as she came through the door.

That's when I noticed that a hole the size of a dinner plate was missing/melted from my carpet, showing the floorboards underneath. "Well, stop it, it's too bloody loud" she says as I casually shuffle over to a position between her and the burnt patch, and she leaves.

I covered it with a rug, and when she found it about a month or so later I manged to convince her I'd spilt etching chemicals (I used to mess around with electronics and etch circuitboards).

Phew!

* Yes, yes, I know. That's why the story's here.
** This story could have been worse, but the rag was, luckily, as out as it seemed.
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 27 Dec 2007, 10:57, Reply)