roidin thur traaaactor
As a 14 year old I used to work on a farm at the weekends, doing (literally) shitty jobs and helping out in the slaughterhouse sorting out piles of still-warm and twitching cow guts.

This particular story is out on the fields though, so some pubescent slaughterhouse stories some other time perhaps.

The farm was a very small holding and the equipment was pretty damn old. They had one tractor which looked like it was built in the 50's and looks pretty much like this:

www.hpj.com/wsdocs/ffa/images/News/shane_blaes_old_tractor.jpg

Imagine it with inflated tyres, painted grey and with a sack instead of a seat and you're there.

The farmer was a smug cunt who I hated, but he also paid my wages (50p an hour in 1984 CUUUUUUUNT). He said he had a job for me to do and would I like to drive the tractor?

OH YES PLEASE, SIR!

So he drove this heap of shit into the yard, attached a scary-looking trailer to it and pulled up outside the cowshed. He handed me a shovel, pointed first to the floor then to the trailer and said, "this shit - in there". 2 hours later, the trailer was full of shit (much like the farmer) and I went to fetch him.

"Grand job lad" he said. "Now you get to drive the tractor".

So he drove it out into the entrance to the field and parked up. He then explained that my job would be to drive the tractor up and down the field, muck-spreading - for the scary-looking tractor was a mechanical muckspreader.

Now I don't know if anyone is familiar with these things, but it is basically a huge conveyor belt that moves the shit slowly towards the rear of the trailer, where scary-looking rotating prongs flick the crap out to the rear. The whole contraption works through the movement of the wheels.

As I had never driven a combustion-engine driven vehicle before, he showed me what to do.

"See that pedal there lad? Press that if you want to go faster. That pedal there? Press that down if you want to stop."

Seemed pretty straightforward and I did a 100 yard test run to check I understood the concept. He seemed happy, opened the gate and sent me on my merry way, me beaming from ear to ear on my very own tractor, flicking cow shit to the four winds.

The field was on the side of a hill and the first part was up, so I ascended the incline, pressing the "GO" pedal. The ancient old engine roared and I headed up the hill, looking back at my bovine dung fountain. As I reached the top, I hit the "STOP" pedal and slowed down, to do a U turn and head back down the hill.

Off I went again, little smiling Dixon shit flicker.

As I descended the hill, the tractor started picking up speed and I noticed this was causing the shit to flick higher and higher, so I hit the "STOP" pedal. This however caused the tractor to speed up further - so in a panic I tried the other pedal, which made the engine roar and gave more speed. At this point the tractor was going so fast it was causing the shit to be flicked violently and was going over my head, up my back, in my hair, behind my ears, with me all the while pushing pedals and pulling levers like the first chimp in space having a panic attack. I reached the bottom of the hill and it levelled off and the "STOP" pedal worked again.

I had to go through this "Up the hill, engine roaring, down the hill 'jester in the stocks being pelted by dung'" process another 5 times until the trailer was empty.

When I got back to the gate, the farmer was waiting for me with a bright red face and tears in his eyes from laughing. I got off the tractor and I looked like fucking yin and yang.

Later when I started to learn to drive properly and was slightly wiser, I realised the "STOP" pedal which he had showed me was in fact, the clutch.
( Dixipoos Bye Bye Blackbird, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 15:55, 6 replies)

haha
that farmer does indeed sound like a right bastard.
Nicely told sir!
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 16:04, closed)

ow!
I had to chew my lip to stop myself laughing out loud and my boss knowing I was having a little skive!!
Tractors are horrible things to drive (old ones) I used to have to stand (literally) on both pedals to get it to slow down - you just brought it all back - cheers!
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 16:08, closed)

"flicking cow shit to the four winds"
Beautifully poetic.

*click*
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 16:46, closed)

.
My first encounter with a tractor nearly killed me. Cocky, going too fast through a narrow gate, panicing at the last minute and jamming on the brakes - only to find that the rear brakes were unlinked at the time* and I only hit the left hand side. It didn't so much slow down as swing violently to the left towards one of the large concrete posts with all sorts of sharp farming implements strewn around it. Ooops. Missed it by inches.

* For those unfamiliar, the brakes on an older tractor are only on the rear wheels, are independent, and are controlled by two brake pedals next to each other that are usually linked by a little catch so that they move as one. If you need a tighter turning cirle, you flick the catch off, use the brakes on one side only and it'll pretty much pivot around that wheel...
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 17:12, closed)

Hahahahaha!
Even if I hadn't liked that story you'd have got a click for "pushing pedals and pulling levers like the first chimp in space having a panic attack"

Pfffft!

=D
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 20 Dec 2007, 21:23, closed)

Are you me?

( LordManley twitter.com/LordManley, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 2:58, closed)