I see in the news that Trevor Nunn's wife has been trapped in a piece of children's playground equipment
Imogen seesaw vice.
(ubergeekian, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:16, Reply)

Emergeny its time for someone to have
an online nervous breakdown before the question closes
( Locus213 Slightly to the left of Bakunin, Thu 23 May 2013, 15:02, 1 reply)

"Mix Tapes II"

(McChinaman banned, Thu 23 May 2013, 14:12, 1 reply)

In the UAE
the headman's personal manservant/ecstasy supplier is the head of his own department;
The Emir Gent's E Services
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 23 May 2013, 13:50, 2 replies)

There used to be a mobile DJ booth in Somerset that traveled around in an old 1960s ambulance.
It was in tip-top, original nick (ha!), but they'd replaced the "Ambulance" sign with a perfect replica that said "Ambience".
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 May 2013, 10:17, 1 reply)

'E merged! N' see Sir Viss?
*rambling story*
(McChinaman banned, Thu 23 May 2013, 9:38, 3 replies)

A very pretty Scottish nurse once told me I was 6' tall.
A rather ugly Welsh doctor told me I was 5'11".

I know who I believe, but the NHS is clearly in ruins if it's employing such people.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 23 May 2013, 8:35, 3 replies)

In hindsight, this was a silly question to be asked....
So, there I was, lying on the cold hard tarmac, motorbike in pieces and leg similarly smashed up, one ambulance crew to my left, another to the right, a passing doctor on the periphery and the air ambulance landing...

Paramedic, "Right then, so where do you want to go?"

And after a brief pause as i tried to stop swearing and process the question...

Mr J.B., "Err....Hospital?"

Turns out they wanted to know which one (to which I replied "Whichever is best") i.e. closest to get to for family etc, but at the time the answer seemed pretty self-evident to me and the question worked better than the morphine at distracting my mind...
(Mr Joe Bangles, Wed 22 May 2013, 17:35, 4 replies)

Thank God for Firefighters
One night while on patrol in a small town, I pulled over a car which was all over the road and had driven the wrong way down a one-way street. We had stopped in the parking lot of a local restaurant popular with members of our volunteer fire department. The driver, who reeked of booze and almost fell out of the car, was cooperative until I tried to put the cuffs on him and the fight was on. Rolling around on the ground with this asshole quickly became tiring. My nearest backup was at least fifteen minutes off, I couldn't get to my radio to yell for help and, worse, he didn't seem to be feeling the punches and kicks which I was landing. Just as I was thinking of shooting him, he suddenly disappeared. Half a dozen volunteer firefighters who were having a quiet beer and watching the hockey game saw what was happening, came boiling out of the bar, grabbed the guy and proceeded to kick the shit out of him, finish cuffing him and throw him in the back of my cruiser. Asshole got taken to the hospital for treatment of various injuries including a broken nose and a couple of cracked ribs then went directly to jail, charged with a whole raft of offences. I was sore for a few days after but didn't have anything broken. If it hadn't been for those "hose jockeys" it might have ended very differently. Thanks, guys.
(Smudge the Demon, Wed 22 May 2013, 17:33, 12 replies)

What does an ex-Royal Marine do?
An acquaintance of mine from school joined the Royal Marines and had a great lark. He was fully sponsored to study undergraduate History at a posh university before taking up a commission and travelling the world. He was recently invalided out and was finding it quite hard to adjust to life in 'civvy street'. I hear he has now rekindled his academic career and is again being fully sponsored at university on a postgraduate course. His thesis reflects his one true calling though: "An early history of soldiers on ships: An emergent sea service".
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Wed 22 May 2013, 17:24, 5 replies)

Cant trust the Po Po
A good friend of mine is local plod and was asked to attend a suspected burglary a while back. The owner of the house had come home to find windows open etc... that weren't before. My friend arrives with a couple of other bobbies and do the usual containment by covering the back and front and my friend offers to cover the back. Now getting round the back was a bit of an issue as the house was terraced so he had to scale a few gardens to get to this one, climb over the back fence then make his way through the flower beds to get to the back of the house. On arriving he finds the door open and can see the other coppers waiting outside the front door through the glass so he decides he will check the downstairs and open the door for them.
In he goes, all CSI like, waiting for the would be burglar to pounce on him, so he is keeping his feet planted and ready to react by pretty much shuffling to the front door. No masked bandits leap out by the time he gets to the front door so he turns and puts the on light to let his colleagues and the owner in, only to turn round as he does this to find he has just walked dog shit all through this poor ladies house! He didn't take the opportunity to cough to it being him as her reaction was along the lines of "It's bad enough they rob me but they didn't have to do this!" Now me, my family and friends found this so amusing my children and I created this little vid in honour of him.
Clickety click click.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-RBSi_Aiug
(reverseit, Wed 22 May 2013, 15:55, 7 replies)

Dis man, him advise talkin' trees "watch out, dat lady tree's up to no good" ho yus.
Him urge Ents sees 'er vices


The birch is too good for me.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Wed 22 May 2013, 15:52, 12 replies)

Right
The Three Wise Men ate some dodgy hummus and got transported through time to the modern era, where they exchanged their gifts for the modern forward-facing multimedia equivalents. Fortunately for them, this experience in no way affected their depth perception, so it can still be said that e-myrrh gents see surfaces.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 22 May 2013, 14:52, 3 replies)

AttennnnnnnnSHUN!
MAN POPPING HIS HEAD OUT OF THE LITTLE 'OLE OVER THERE! PREPARE TO VIEW THE FLOWER HOLDERS!


EMERGENT! SEE VASES!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 May 2013, 12:58, 2 replies)

Two-year-old pearoast. Seems that I haven't had any run-ins with uniforms since then...
Riding home from work one night, I was surprised to see the old flashing blues behind me, and an official finger indicating that I should pull over. The usual panicky feeling, but as far as I could remember there was nothing wrong with the bike - paperwork up to date etc - so it was a bit of a mystery.

The two policemen emerged from the car, talking into their radios and looking severe. But as they got closer they seemed to relax, and were actually positively friendly. It turned out that there had just been an armed robbery nearby, and the "perp" was seen to escape on a bike which was similar to mine. The cop said that he could see that it wasn't me, so it was just a routine stop. All smiles and relaxed chat. But then it took a turn for the worse...

"So, if I can just have a look in your rucksack, sir, we can all be on our way."

Oh shit. Why today? Why did I have to get stopped today, of all days, with what I have in my rucksack. My blood ran cold, but there was little I could do: I'm sure I must have looked pale as I wriggled out of the straps and unzipped it.

The policeman reached in, then hesitated. He looked at his colleague, then pulled out the contents. This was it. It was all over.

They looked at the complete set of Status Quo albums, then handed them back silently and waved me on. Oh, the shame.

insert "criminal record" joke here
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Wed 22 May 2013, 12:47, 4 replies)

Acid and coppers oh my MASSIVE DRUGS
me and my mates were on our way to a acid house rave in the dim and distant past. It was happening in some disused warehouse in Bristol and We had taken the precaution of taking the microdots well in advance because as well all know LSD stands for Long Sodding Day.

So three space cadets were wibbling our way through the centre when suddenly we were surrounded by coppers. We were split up and interviewed separately.

"a report has come in that 3 youths matching your description were seen smashing Laura Ashley's windows"
"whos she, don't know her, never met her, what windows?" I babbled while starring at his walkie-talkie which was making weird noises
he looked at me staring at his walkie-talkie and tried to move it out of sight slightly
"it's a shop, can I look at the bottoms of your shoes?"
"why"
"Because if you have smashed a window there will be broken glass on your shoes"
So he inspected my feet like he was shoeing a horse and to me they were like sparkling jewels covered in glitter. To me I was fu-ck-ed.
I put my feet down and continued my close inspection of his radio. Blushing head spinning and reeling. He then made a call on his radio like someone trying to do their work at school without people copying them ie to stop my creepy staring.

Then suddenly we were free to go to leap about like gibbons in a strobe to repetitive bleeps.
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Wed 22 May 2013, 12:16, Reply)

You know what?
It wouldn't surprise me if some business tossers decided to start referring to people employed in developing new market areas as "The Emergency Services", since the market is emerging and whatnot.

AND I bet such people would be from working class backgrounds.

AND probably foreign.

You couldn't make it up - we're going to hell in a handcart, we really are.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 22 May 2013, 11:36, 10 replies)

Something about a large male bird that grabbed a board and rode the waves whilst doing Snake impressions...

The Emu gents Sea surf hisses
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 22 May 2013, 10:23, 3 replies)

I once asked a policeman the time
WITH SOME HASH IN MY POCKET! FUCK THA POLICE!!1! GANGSTA SOULJA!!!
(McChinaman banned, Wed 22 May 2013, 3:48, Reply)

They lie to everybody.
They lie to the fish.

But that doesn't give you any special right to do what you did today.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 22 May 2013, 1:46, Reply)

Dunno about peas but someone got roasted.
A cautionary tale.

My granddad Bert was a fire-fighter in London during the war (2) he was too old to sign up so he and his best mate Wally helped put out burning buildings, got kittens out of trees and sifted thru rubble to find dead burnt babies after a heavy night on The Blitz. You know - the usual.

During their training as volunteer firefighters many years earlier Bert & Wally had been taught the command "Stop!". Now as anyone who has done any type of safety training knows, this command means - "freeze or play statues now because I have seen something that is dangerous to you (or us) that you may not be aware of". Fairly simple stuff you'd think.

Anyhoo - 1 night while Wally & Bert were in the throes of tiding up the mess being caused by those beastly, unkind Luftwaffe pilots they found themselves in a burning building trying to save some ladies and children (where were their fellas during all this? I ask you).
Wally comes out of a smoky room holding a young girl in his arms. My granddad spies a large burning beam above him, probably about to break. He shouts above the din at Wally, telling him to "STOP!". Wally ignores Bert and runs forward trying to hand the child to him. Burning beam about 2/3rds the thickness of Wally (I hear rations weren't so fattening in those days) falls down on top of Wally and kid, killing them instantly.
That's how my granddad came to watch his best mate and some innocent child die in front of him. If Wally had stopped, the beam would've fallen (relatively - burning building remember) harmlessly in front of him.

Granddad told me this tale with a glint in his eye & a quiver in his voice (hay fever was playing up that day apparently) as a sort of safety parable - something like "do as you're told 'cause sometimes your parents can see danger where you may not be able to". Most emotion he ever showed me the grunggly, old bastard.
I told it to my daughter to try and get her to do as she's told. To little or no avail. Still she hasn't been run over by a bus - so plus sides and all that.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 21 May 2013, 22:40, 52 replies)

I was once talking to a gynaecologist who had a terrible stutter trying to describe an incomplete uterine prolapse.

He kept going on about "the emergent c-cervix"
( da5id <YOUR SIG HERE>, Tue 21 May 2013, 19:30, 2 replies)

Something about the image challange.

( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Tue 21 May 2013, 19:22, 3 replies)

There's a group who specialise in delivering ecstasy to miserable, moody males with a bad poetry fetish and a penchant for suicide and floppy hair.
aka..... wait for it.....

The Emo gents E service.


It's alright, I'm already leaving.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Tue 21 May 2013, 17:57, 2 replies)

My dad was a volunteer reserve fireman for a few years.
We had a bell in our hallway and when it rang he would jump on his Royal Enfield and head for the station, about two miles across town.
He rarely talked about his call outs but one he did mention concerned a house fire where he was first up the ladder. A mother was in the bedroom window, holding a small child and screaming for help,. Just as he reached the top of the ladder the floor collapsed and they both disappeared.
He never quite got over that one and left the service shortly afterwards.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 21 May 2013, 17:07, 4 replies)

Oh, will you now?
(Co-incidentally, this happened in exactly the same spot as the last story)


As I may have mentioned before, I'm a rickshaw cyclist in Edinburgh, working mainly in the Grassmarket and Cowgate area.

Now, due to the high concentration of drunken fools stumbling around the Cowgate on any given night, no vehicles are allowed through between 10pm and 6am except for the emergency services. There are big signs and barriers at the top and bottom of the road to re-inforce this.

I was rolling down the Cowgate at about 4am after a long shift when I was stopped at the lower signs by a policeman who stepped out into the road in front of me, giving me about three seconds to slam on the brakes rather than hit him.

Him: "What do you think you're doing!"

Me: "......"

Him: "What does that sign say! What does it say?!"

Me: "No access..."

Him: "So what are you doing?"

Me: "Except for cycles"

Him: "WHERE DOES IT SAY THAT?"

Me: "Just there" *Points to smaller sign partially hidden under a sticker, but still fully visible*

Him: "...I'll let you off this time"


Prick.


Edit: I later found out that the same guy does this quite a bit, just to throw his weight around. How does doing something that makes you look like an idiot make you feel big and clever?
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 21 May 2013, 17:04, 17 replies)

Hmm
In seven months of rickshaw cycling, I've had numerous near-misses. Buses, taxis, other rickshaws, drunks and people who just don't look where they're going. But the only time I've actually been hit... Was by a police Landrover. Which I had been following for half a mile.

Apparently the police don't have to check their mirrors before reversing at speed.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 21 May 2013, 16:51, 17 replies)

I was a cop, and good at my job.
But I committed the ultimate sin - and testified against other cops gone bad. Cops that tried to kill me, but got the woman I loved instead. Framed for murder, now I prowl the badlands ... an outlaw hunting outlaws ... a bounty hunter ... a RENEGADE.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 21 May 2013, 16:50, 9 replies)

I run a company whereby people can pay to climb out of something and witness the unhealthy habits of recipients of knighthoods.
Emerge 'n' see Sir vices.
Hahahahahahapunslol!
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 21 May 2013, 14:51, 1 reply)