The only time Germany have played in the FA Cup
Our school arranged to have their new gym opened by the Queen. As a media stunt the headmaster decided to hold a subbutteo FA Cup, in which the Queen was going to take part along with a few minor B-List celebs plus one lucky student who would be in the hat. I was a subbutteo legend amongst my mates, so I bribed Mr Johnson, the Geography teacher, a tenner to fix it so it would be my name that would be in the hat. So, the day comes and the draw's being made and it gets down to the final tie being picked....."and finally, number 27....Lt Columbo will play......number 8....Jade Goody".

Needless to say I thrashed Jade 5-0 in my opening match, and on my way to the semi's I knocked out, the guy who used to play Ricky in Eastenders, Angus Deaton, Trisha, and in the quarters Geri Halliwell.

Then to the semi's....I was to meet her madge. This is where I feel cheated. Not only did the ref (my headmaster) dissallow 4 valid goals of mine, but he kept letting queennie have more flicks than she was allowed. He awarded every offside decision in her favour, and gave 3 penalties against me for handball when they were all clearly accidental. To his credit, he did come up to me afterwards and tell me it made better headlines to have the Queen make the final rather than a 'nobody student'. I could see his point. Still didn't deter me in letting down the cunts car tyres, though as I'd never actually seen him in a car I had to let down every car tyre in the car park just to make sure. I remember thinking "Surely the headmaster doesn't drive one of these lovely Rolls does he??? oh well, better safe than sorry" as the air whooshed out the wheels.

PS. Oh the irony when the Queen was beaten in the final by Ralf Little of Royle Family fame.

PPS. I beat who I thought was Matt Lucas in the 3rd place playoff, imagine my dissapointment when I asked for an autograph and it turned out to be Gail Porter whilst she was undergoing chemo.

PPPS. Keith Chegwin won the Fair Play Award (Though I think this was an act of pity, as anyone else who saw him on 'Naked Jungle' can testify).
(Lt Columbo, Mon 7 Aug 2006, 1:20, Reply)