Water fights - Im sure we've all done this as a kid.
As a kid I never had the best water gun. While the other kids had supersoaker 2000's I was stuck with the crap 99p water pistols from the newsagents.

Anyway, thinking on my feet. I realised its not the gun but the amunition it fires which is the important bit. So came up with an awesome idea to piss into my gun and then ran around shooting everyone with that.

Once people realised what I was loaded with, even the kids with the biggest Super Soaker 3000s were running away like little girls screaming. Mwhahahah! I was the king of water fights with my awesome fire power.

Sadly and inevitably, the adults found out and I was ordered to now bin my prize weapon. Nope I couldnt empty it and fill it with water. This gun was now stained with death and must be disposed of.

I had great fun smashing it up though.
(Miggyman, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:42, 2 replies)

First Time
.
The first time I went to meet an ex's family wasn't a good place to start experimenting.

I spent the whole meal being sniped at by her younger sister, a good-looking wench of about 22. She just wouldn't let me be. For some reason she'd taken an instant dislike of me that bordered on the psychotic.

Now I'm a peaceful kind of chap. Live and let live is my motto but I do have points where it's really unwise to push me beyond. 'Cos then I push back.

So after one more smarmy dig I let loose the Kraken.

"So, Legless, do you not think that the age difference between you and sis might be a problem? Do you not think it'll be a bit of a handicap?" - (I was 5 years older than my ex)


"No more than anyone else who has to work with a handicap Spock. I thought that Vulcan/Human children were the realm of fantasy 'til I saw you. Do you have to wear weights in your pockets during high winds to stop you taking off?"

And I was off one one. Imagine the scene in Roxanne where Steve Martin tells a hundred 'nose' jokes in 5 minutes. It was similar to that except it was ears. Eventually she threw a glass of wine over me and legged it to the ladies rooms.

In my defence, I'd put up with two hours of digs while her family just laughed at her witty sallies.

But, to be honest, perhaps I should have kept my mouth shut. It's not a good way to win friends and influence people.

Dad had had enough. He called for the bill, waved away my attempts to pay for it, and the lot of them headed for the door - including my now ex-girlfriend.

"Wait! Wait!" I shouted. Dad turned round.

"Don't you think you should get wing-nut from the toilets before you leave?"

Like I said, as experiments go, it was some sort of success. I now know that, even if someone is being intolerably rude, if you fight back, families will always stick together.

Ah well. You live and learn.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:39, 3 replies)

Pointless experiments?
How about every single cuffing chemistry lesson I sat through from the ages of 11 to 16?

Has one single, solitary experiment that I was forced to perform proved to have any point in my adult life?

Has it buggery.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:34, Reply)

I once
tried to create a liquid that would disolve anything and everything till my mum asked what i was gonna store it in......bugger :-(
(djgalaxe, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:33, 4 replies)

Once upon a time
I thought this was a great idea. But I wasn't going to go to some overpriced piercing emporium, no. I shall do it myself.

So I got together my specialist equipment. Namely your average sewing needle, and a bar that had previously been through my tongue.

After some pain relief (spliff) I managed to get the needle under the skin between my knuckle. This was the easy bit. The next trick is to wiggle the needle under your skin until a suitable exit point has been found. To do this, poke the needle up so that you can see it pushing against the inside if skin.

Painfully force what is actually a very blunt spike through skin from the underneath. Remember that you have forgotten about sterilisation.

Use the thicker 'eye' of the needle, having pushed it through, and twiddle it around to stretch the hole.

Realise bar is thicker than needle. By a long chalk.

Remember that bar has a thread, and can therefore logically be screwed in. Do this.

Realise that you have to screw it out the other side too.

Finish.


Take out 4 days later with an explosion of green pus, after realising that the swelling has rendered you unable to bend hand.

Still have the scar.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:29, 7 replies)

The Other Tale Of Kaol And The Locusts
In no way related to www.b3ta.com/questions/publictransport/post166916
Apart from the locusts as a major plot device.

As a Zoologist, I frequently wonder what animals taste like. I assume that's something that we all do.
I really hope so at least.

This frequently leads me to order "odd things" on menus when I've been in various countries, including aligator, bear, sea cucumber and live baby eels.

Anyway, I keep lizards, and feed them live locusts.
The Mind Of Kaol^TM came up with the fantastic idea of trying one, raw. I mean, the lizard can eat it, so surely I can...

So, here follows a step-by-step guide to eating a locust.

1) Select your locust. It should be wingless, as bright yellow as possible, and lively. Do not accept inferior specimens.

2) Grab the locust firmly by the head, with clean forceps. Take a clean mounted needle (a metal spike with a handle), and stab it through the brain, killing your chosen locust instantly.

3) Take a clean scalpel blade, and cut around the "neck" of the locust. With a bit of skill, you'll then be able to pull the head off, and the entire digestive tract will remain attached to it, leaving you with a locust body that isn't full of shit faecal matter.

4) Remove the legs. You can do this by pulling them off, or cutting them away with the scalpel.

5) Dip the prepared locust into vodka to give it a semblance of sterility. Dry with kitchen paper.

6) Insert into mouth, chewing slowly.

For the record, it was flacid, creamy inside, very bitter and waxy on the outside. Absolutely disgusting.
( Cawl, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:26, 12 replies)

Boredom + Office means potential death!
One boring afternoon at a certain bottle water company I was working at (might have sounded something like wowwop) me and a fellow coworker, who we shall call Nobby decided to try and 'motivate' ourselves using the following:

Pro Plus caffeine pills x 2
Kick drink from Tesco's x 1 (bloody awful stuff it is!)

Nobby, being a gung ho sort of chap, went first.....

After 5 minutes he started to sweat...

After 10 minutes his head was on the desk, still sweating....

Two minutes later he said his chest was hurting and he felt funny.

He looked it too...I dont think i've ever seen someone so white!

So Pro Plus and Kick drink from Tesco's do not mix!

If you dont belive me then try it!

EDIT: yeah well some of you have and my mates a wuss! Didnt know there was two type of relentless drink though? will have to try some.
(Lip Up Fatty Fatty Reggae still loves BBQ food on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:24, 10 replies)

i once tried growing money trees
i planted 4 penny coins and a pound in the garden, in a nice secluded spot that would always gather plenty of rain water. Imagine my surprise some weeks later when I came out to witness a tiny shoot poking out of the ground.
So happy I was, running around shouting "I'm gonna have a money tree!" Imagine my dismay however when the plant eventually sprouted not crisp five pound notes as i had dreamed, but mere pennies. It may have bought me a few penny chews, but it taught me one thing. Putting such little money in the planet will only reap small rewards.

Yours sincerely,
David Attenborough
( Dazz - In Your Base, Killing Your Dudes since, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:23, Reply)

balloons plus canned butane gas
= lovely fireball. What's more, no eyebrows were harmed during this experiment.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:21, 1 reply)

Ooh, another one from 9-year-old me...
I had a toy tank that fired matchsticks out of its gun turret, by means of a spring and a pin in the barrel.

One day, I decided to find out what would happen if I fired it up my nose. Luckily, I didn't use a matchstick, just stuck the end of the barrel up my nose and fired it.

A small flinch later and that was it. I put the tank down and carried on playing. Then wondered why my nose was running, and wiped it with my finger to find lots of blood.

I then had to explain to my mum why I had a nosebleed, but only in one nostril...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:21, 1 reply)

Fifty one things Davy is no longer allowed to do.
If you haven't read Skippys list I suggest you do so. It's one of the funniest things on the internet and never fails to make me laugh.

So much do I like it, I'm inspired to start my own. I'm using his rules for inclusion. These are all things I have done, or attempted to do, and been forbidden from doing again.

1) The company’s internet policy is not “Google for porn.”
2) I may not create a Wikipedia entry about our business competitors and their nocturnal habits.
3) That goes double for Encyclopedia Dramatica
4) Nobody wants to hear about my hard dwarf.
5) I must not attempt to enter the United States illegally.
6) When told to put my hand up in order to ask a question, that means up in the air.
7) “All work and no play makes David a dull boy” is not an acceptable answer on a work performance self assessment form.
8) Five bottles of champagne at a Cam game is not a legitimate business expense.
9) I should stop singing in the shower, as the neighbours have complained.
10) My housemate is not my butler, no matter how often I say he is.
11) I am not a ghost, and must stop pretending I am whilst we are trying to hold a séance.
12) I must stop trying to charge children to join my fan club.
13) I must not proposition my boss.
14) Especially not if I back off sharpish when she accepts.
15) Firestarter and Smack my bitch up are not appropriate music to play at a wedding reception.
16) The tear-off bits of card inside Swan Vesta packets are not acid tabs, and I should not sell them to teenagers by pretending they are.
17) I must stop listening to white supremacist county & western in the bath
18) Nobody wants to hear the noises I can make with bubble gum
19) I must not stir my boss’ tea with any part of my anatomy
20) I must not watch Jean-Claude van Damme’s Bloodsport on loop whilst my housemate is trying to revise for an exam in the morning
21) (Thirty minutes later) I must not act out the entire script of Jean Claude van Damme’s Bloodsport in the living room whilst my housemate is trying to revise for an exam in the morning.
22) I must never allow anyone into my house with an axe again.
23) My boss’ name is not ‘petal’.
24) My sex life does not have a comedy soundtrack, and I should stop acting like it does.
25) I may not shout “By the power of Greyskull!” in bed
26) I may not pretend to be a German porn star in bed (“Das ist gut, ja, fraulein? Uhh! Uhh! Oh, ja, ja!”)
27) I must not wear those socks to work again.
28) “Just blowing off steam” is not a good enough reason for playing lasertag round the building during work hours
29) I must not talk about ‘the really cool thing I did at the weekend’ during client meetings ever again.
30) I am not allowed to change the office answerphone message again.
31) I must not see how loud I can burp in the cinema.
32) The French are not a ‘lesser servitor race’.
33) When my boss rhapsodises about the club scenes in The Matrix, I must not say “To you, that’s a movie fantasy. To me, it’s Saturday Night.”
34) I may not enter the United States without submitting to a body search.
35) “I’d rather not get paid than make you any money” is not an acceptable reply to the question “Why aren’t you working?”
36) I must not ask Master Chen Chi’en Li to show me the death touch (This was more of a warning and less of a prohibition.)
37) I must not lie on the floor of my office scratching my beard when new employees are being shown around the company.
38) “You should’ve knocked” is not an acceptable retort to the above, even if it is true.
39) I must not distribute this Onion story round the office whilst the born-again Christian is away on his Honeymoon.
40) This year's school play will not be Equus.
41) I am not allowed to have a Mohican until I have left school
42) (One week later, still at school) I must grow that Mohican out again as soon as possible.
43) “No, my gun is quite blunt” is the wrong answer to the question “Is there anything sharp in your hand luggage?”
44) I must not eat three bowls of all-bran before going to visit friends ever again.
45) I do not have divine powers.
46) I am not the ‘pinnacle of human evolution’, even if I can justify it.
47) I must not convince my boss that I'm a satanist by listening to 'devil worship music'.
48) "I realised that I wouldn't lie on my deathbed wishing I'd spent more time in the office" is not an acceptable reason for leaving work at 2pm.
49) I must not heckle the punks.
50) My job description is not "Pickin' cotton and bring the boss his Mint Julep"
51) My job title is not "Lord high everything else", and I must change my email signature file immediately.
(davywavy, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:19, 5 replies)

Still makes my nose smart thinking back to this..
...when I was but knee high to a fatman, and trips to pub with my folks were a chance for me to get hyper on lemon & limeadeplay british bulldog 1-2-3 and get up to general mischief.

Sitting down with my half pint of fizzy, green e-numbers, I remember thinking that it surely was a coincidence that my fizzy drink had arrived with not one, but two stripey straws in it, and that I had not one, but two nostrils. Surely this was a sign that I should try drinking through my nose? Well, that's how I read the situation. So try I did. Jamming both straws firmly up my snout, I breathed out through my mouth. Paused. Took a massive snort of fizzy, green pain.

Fuck me!

Imagine the pain of 5 angry bastards, who having climbed up your nose, begin making a determined efford to tunnel into both your brain, and out through your eyeballs, using rusty hatchets. I pissed a gallon of water out of my eyes, I couldn't see, and my nose almost exploded.

Nose candy? Just say no, kids.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:19, 3 replies)

When I was about 9 I wondered what would happen if I stuck a silver ball from my pinball game up my nose...
The answer? Nothing, really, except that there was no room to get my finger up to get the ball out. A moment of panic ensued, followed by the realisation that I could squeeze my nose from the outside and force it out again.
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:16, Reply)

A bloke I knew
once ate nothing but beetroot and sweetcorn for a week. His poos were (apparently) purple with yellow polka dots.

For the purposes of science I should also mention that he ran a church kids club.
(teasus likes tea, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:16, 2 replies)

Home Made Air Conditioner
Long time reader, first time poster. Here goes...

A couple of years ago, a friend and I were going on holiday to Zante, lovely greek island, in the summer. To save money we had gone for the cheapest apartment, and consequently we were facing the prospect of spending 14 days in an un-air-conditioned apartment. But I had found the perfect solution.

I found a link (possibly on these very pages, I forget now) to some ingenious fellow who had made his own air-con for about £15, from an electric fan, some copper pipe and a small electric pump.

So, on the day before we set off, I managed to find and purchase:

1 electric fan (£8) - tescos
10m of narrow copper pipe (£10) - this was tricky to track down, ended up at an engineering works that makes compressors.
A small aquarium pump (£7) - aquatic / fish shop
Several meters of silicone tube £1 - aquatic / fish shop
Loads of small cable ties (~£1) - Halfords

I then stayed up almost all night bending and attatching the copper pipe to the front and back of the fan in a lovely tight double-spiral shape, then connecting the tubing and the pump. The thing was a work of art, it really was!

Being by now exhausted, I stuffed the whole lot, more or less untested, into my suitcase and went to get a couple of hours shuteye before leaving for the airport.

I must admit, I was a little nervous at the airport, having this rather odd looking arangement in my luggage. God knows what it must have looked like on the x-ray machine, but no-one questioned it.

So, we got to Zante (also known as Zakynthos, which I strongly recommend if you get the opportunity. Lovely place, and the best olive oil in the known universe, get it from the roadside sellers up in the mountains) and come evening, I dutifully unpacked my amazing air-con device, rubbing my hands in glee at my ingenuity and cunning. Our apt did have a fridge with a small freezer section, so we had been able to freeze some water. Filled the sink with water, tipped in the ice, put in the pump, connected all the tubing and SWITCHED ON, baby!

Sitting back in anticipation of an arctic blast of icy cold air, I soon noticed that something was slightly wrong. What could it be?

Was the water circulating properly? Yes, plenty of flow there.

Were the coils cold yet? Yes, they were very cold, water condensing on them readily.

The whole thing worked exactly as it had been designed, the only problem was that the guy who posted the original pics on the internet was a crazy, deluded fool. Having extensively tested this since returning home, I can state with authority that blowing air over a coil of cold copper makes less that 1 degree of difference to the temperature, unless you put in thousands of very thin fins (which you can make cheaply from cut up beer cans and solder on, but I can also state with authority that this takes a VERY long time)

Still, we had an awesome time, and having an electric fan with us saved us the £5 per night they wanted to charge to rent us one.

Length? £1 per meter to you mate.
(SquidFish, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:13, 1 reply)

my brother
once decided to see what a fart looked like, well, what the EXIT of a fart looked like.

Being, as was normal at that time, a bit drunk, and alone in the house, he decided to "bend over and watch in the mirror through his legs".

He never did find out, as a big poo decided to exit instead, leaving a large poo-stain on MY fucking carpet.

I only found out cause I came back while he was trying to clean said stain. Weirdo
(bamboozled Can hear you getting fatter, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:04, 7 replies)

Bread
At lunch one day at school I decided to see if I could eat an entire slice of bread in one go. And after I'd managed to fit one in my mouth, I put in another one.

The problem wasn't so much getting them in there as how to chew and swallow without any air. The bread soaked up all my saliva so I couldn't get it into a workable bolus, and I gradually started going purple while my schoolmates looked on in interest.

Just as one of them started to wonder if it might be worth trying to save my life in some way, a small piece at the back broke free and went down successfully. That gave me enough space to breathe again and to get the rest down. A few moments later, I had succeeded in my task. Nothing's worth doing without some personal risk, I guess.
( flatfrog Staring vacantly into space, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:59, Reply)

Get a suck of my ex
and for kinkyness she put a mouthful of Baileys in her mouth.

It took me about .47 seconds to realise alcohol and urethra dont like each other.

It felt like she had a mouthful of acid.

Queue a lovely evening ruined, and me spending the next 20 minutes with my little fella under the cold tap, whilst i whimpered.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:59, 2 replies)

Chibbles - know what they are?
Well they're the soft, polystyrene\foam type things used when packing breakable things in cardboard boxes. Don't know why they're called chibbles, because they look like exactly like wotsits. And smell like them.

I'll tell you whats more, they also fucking taste like Wotsits! Gods honest truth, and are probably as nutritious. With less calories!

I only tried a couple though, so don't blame me if you eat a boxful and die a painful, fat death.
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:58, 7 replies)

When I was about 8/9 with more imagination and much less sense
I'd used to spend about 1/2 an hour a day staring at an inanimate object and trying to move it with my mind.

I did this right up until one day when I concentrated so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye and it immediately went bloodshot.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:55, 2 replies)

lamp
"what happens if you turn a lamp on when theres no bulb in it?"

nothing

*looks into bulb fitting*

"huh, are those pins springy?"

ZAP

not my brightest moment, my arm was numb for a few minutes but other than that i was ok.
(suboftheday, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:53, Reply)

If it takes one man three days to dig a hole 40' x 30'.....
I was having a BBQ at my last house and had discovered the joys of playing Drunk Kerplunk with some very running vodka jelly.

Myself and around five others were participating in this whilst, unbeknown to me, some of my other friends were devising another game.

How many things can we bury in the garden before TGB notices? (2006 rules)

I should mention at this point it was dark, and my garden was not massively private as the neighbours could see in from their upstairs windows.

As I got up to retrieve another beer I noticed my lawn was looking a lot more soiley that it had before. And not as straight. And it appeared to be growing watering cans.

My (unapologetic) friends then wondered how long it would take to dig a hole big enough for a grown man when it had taken 5 minutes to bury a stone statue of a cat.

And so the experiment began.

Aim:
To see if twice as many diggers take half as long to dig a hole large enough for a grown man to lie in and be hidden from the spectators enclosure (the patio).

Method:
Get shovels and dig like crazy.

Result:
Twice as many people get in the way hampering results.
Crazy neighbour will take pictures of you making it look like you are burying the evidence.
Police will ask to have a look at your garden.
Luckily will find it amusing.
Will never find cat statue.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:53, Reply)

More explosives
When I was young(er) I was quite into firearms, as you are, and made my own ammunition. After Dunblane I handed the guns back and that was that. A couple of years later when moving house I discovered 3,500 rounds of ammunition and a couple of drums of nitrocellulose (aka gunpowder) in the loft. I think you can see where this is going....

Anyway, I binned the ammo but decided to see how explosive gunpower is. The short answer is that it isn't really unless in a confined space. I discovered this by burnng copious amounts in air which just fizzed. After encouragement from my mate, and wasting about a can of the stuff, we thought fuck it and burried the remainder with a small fuse trail in a guy fawkes stylee.

I can still remember shitting myself and the look on next doors cat's face as a four foot clod of earth flew up, taking next doors cat on a magical mystery tour through the greenhouse roof, the entire face of the three houses on each side of mine caked in earth, my mate spitting grass and a couple of teeth out of his mouth and the fragments of an empty can hitting me in the knackers.

Kids, don't play with gunpowder. It's not big or clever. I am still reminded when I can see grass growing on the local roofs....

Edit: Another interesting conclusion is that even when cats are spinning at high speed they do indeed still land on their feet.
(Mong The Merciless Older not wiser, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:47, 1 reply)

PJM's early nightclub experimentation
The copious application of alcohol does not make me an excellent dancer.

Bah.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:47, 2 replies)

momentary lapse of concentration
How hot is a match after its just been blown out?

I know, I'll prod it against my face to find out. I still have a burn mark there 15 years later =[
(JonnyWad, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:44, Reply)

More explosions and fire
I spent a lot of my childhood out of school, being the runt of the litter with a very weak pair of lungs. Living on the west coast of Ireland didn't really help matters, come winter and that was it, sick for months. As I got older my parents got used to me wheezing and coughing phlegm everywhere, so they decided the best thing was to trust me to curl up on the couch and wait for the TV to start by myself. (for those of you who are not from Ireland, we had one channel that started at 3 p.m and finished at 12, a prayer at bedtime followed by the national anthem, nutty times.)
So, to make a short story long, during the winter I was given the responsibility of lighting the fire. All was going well, due to the supervision I was getting, nothing to report.. until,
My folks had to go shopping in town, "Knackerz, light the fire and for heavens sake be careful"
My parents were tight, all the people back then were, fire-lighters were for the aristocracy. So after many failed attempts to light the fire with newspaper and damp twigs, I decided that a can of air freshener would hurry things up. As I had already done the homemade flame thrower thing with an aerosol and a lighter, I was confident enough that this plan would work, resulting in a warm fire and uber-proud parents. (sorry about the lack of umlauts)
No lighter to be found, shite. But the newspaper was still smoldering, and I has a couple of emergency matches. I proceeded to start spraying and spraying and spraying, to no avail. Better get in closer, of course, that's the peoblem. Half a can gone, three quarters, nearly all, SHITE, the floks are back, and the room smells like a chinese brothel.
There's only one thing for it, light the newspaper with the matches and hope that the residue from the air-freshener will "take". And did it take? Did it fuck? The air-freshener had been building up in the chimney all along, a whole aerosol can of it, with my head in the fireplace. Just as my parents got out of the car, they were greeted by a jet of flame out of the top of the chimney, a loud bang and a scream. When they got in the door, they saw smoke and soot all over the living room, a stink of "spring meadows" and their son with no eyebrows, eyelashes or hair, complete with an "Al Johnson" blackened up face.
Did the fire light? nope, it was scattered all over the carpet, due to the explosion, I was thrown a few feet too.
You would think I had learned my lesson, but a few weeks later I was caught running around the house with my light saber (the poker left in the fire for 20 minutes was glowing hot).

Length? after getting singed, quite short.
(knackerz is skinning up, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:42, 3 replies)

In the name of science.
Mustard + advocaat + ham chaser

Worcester sauce + vodka + tomato chaser

Anchovy paste + advocaat + mushroom chaser

Mayonnaise + advocaat and red aftershock + baby carrot chaser

Tabasco + advocaat and red aftershock + mushroom chaser

Apple sauce + advocaat and red aftershock + ham chaser

Jam + advocaat and red aftershock + jelly baby chaser

Will add the rest as they come to mind, as the original documentation has since been destroyed.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:40, 2 replies)