i can play the bass exactly as good as nicky wire.

( Sir Sand GOBLIN ^popular page dis, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 10:02, Reply)

trivial pursuit
lord of the rings edition.
\m/
( urbane legend i have known the inexorable sadness of pencils, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 9:58, Reply)

Pulling the Wool Over Peoples Eyes
I'm an expert.

I somehow managed to convince a former employer that I should be hired as 2nd level support, in spite of about 3.5 minutes experience it IT. They put me through SQL admin courses, gave me Domain Admin privileges, and more. Fools.

People who've followed Aussie Rules footy all their lives reckon I'm a bit of an expert, despite only really having followed it for a bit over 3 years, and not being able to put the pill between the big sticks from 10 metres in front (I do go to pretty much every Collingwood game played in Melbourne, though).

I could go on, and I will...

I have inadvertantly convinced friends that I am a good listener in times of trouble. I am a fucking awful listener, and if there's a tele in the background showing the footy, I'm shown up as the fake I am.

There's more, but there's footy on tele, and I need to fix my laptop. With a hammer.
(Pleiades, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 9:41, Reply)

it's all in the timing
I'm an expert at being able to hold in a fart for as long as I wish and then letting it go at will. I like to use this for my amusement pleasure every single night of the week getting off the train from work.

The joy in watching faces of commuters trapped inside the train, wretching, gagging and gurning due to the fumes of yesterdays lunch fill me with warm joy. Don't pity them. They live in Chatham.
(Let's all have an asbo, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 8:46, Reply)

Mr Know-it-all
We have a bloke who works in my office who knows everything about everything. If you're having a conversation about something, he'll hover on the periphery, grinning like a wanking jap and then butt in with unwanted information about how he's done it, and has done it better than you. I've seen him dissolve conversations in a nanosecond just by opening his gob.
Twat.
(LunarJim, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 7:45, Reply)

I am an expert...
in whistling with my mouth open - I have a gap inbetween my front teeth. I can whistle normally but to get the high notes I have to use the gap
(Baron Greenback Still in Sunny Singapore, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 6:39, Reply)

currently
due to heavy dose of some nasty virus, i can shit enough runny poo to make half of ethiopia jealous.
every 14 minutes.
for four days.
(fushundchups taste better with vinegar, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 6:04, Reply)

I can do a cracking impression of a dolphin.
This has served me zero use so far in life, but I'm waiting for the call from the Marine Biology Dept at Cambridge University to be their head dolphin herder.

Any time now...
(Northern Lovely, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 5:08, Reply)

Praying Mantis
Im an expert in praying mantis behaviour. Id give you my references if i could be arsed but no sorry. (Add monotone voice here) Whats really interesting is that a general ecological conception in ecology is that animals will selectively inhabit structurally complex areas, including praying mantis'. However one species Ciulfina actually selects structurally simple habitats to suit its active predation, which is also interesting because praying mantis' were previously all concieved to be 'sit and wait' predators. Selection for structrally simple habitat has also been noted in some species of stingray. So there i know far too much about praying mantis', its made me one hell of a kung fu genius though.
(Dr Jim, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 2:42, Reply)

Odd things
I'm an expert in a lot of useless things:

-Used to be a huge fan of the Star Wars universe; not so much any more
-CSI and Law and Order SVU episodes
-Batman and said universe
-The Second World War, politics, military and useless information pertaining to.
-writing short stories while at work, but still getting work done early.
-lying to profs to get extensions on term papers.
-Reading; I once read 6 novels in 36 hours.
-Pestering my roommate
(chaoticmatter, Tue 28 Jun 2005, 1:54, Reply)

I have a certificate which says I can draw naked people.
I'm yet to use this to my advantage.
( stevierar, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 21:58, Reply)

Stepping way over the line...
While chatting with a (fm) friend today about what my future girlfreind may look like...

I managed to blurt out...

"And i hope she has a really tight moist pussy that i can play with all night."

This is one of many incidents.

Much love.
(farmer, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 21:57, Reply)

well...im a glider pilot...and quite a good one at that
now, being male i use this as a friendly chat up line
"hey im a pilot...blah blah blah..."

so in a drunken rabbel i decided to head down the local bar with a few friends of mine...
the night was merry and i spotted a girl at the bar who was, may i say, quite fwarp-worthy. as i proceeded with the line,
"hey, im a pilot, how many of THOSE do u no?"

well

to my horror sh knew about 43...

alas it was no-one else but my instructor...

now im an expert at cleaning floors and picking up MUCH older women...
( Sir T. Skellington, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 21:39, Reply)

Superliminal Messaging
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

CLICK "I LIKE THIS!"!

... and they all ask for drinks...

CLICK "I LIKE THIS!"!

... and are refused service. They forgot their ID.

And tried to pay with a forged Scottish £10.00 note. The bastards.

You know what to do.
(The Machinist, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 21:25, Reply)

messy sex
this my first post btw, long time lurker and all that.
My most recent exploit was last saturday, i was laid on my back with the missus performing the old five knuckle shuffle on me. I felt it coming (no lame pun intended) so i tried to sit up, but i had one of the most powerful orgasms ever. i couldn't move my fucking legs to sit up and catch it in the tissue, so i ended up feebly holding the tissue against my cock, which matted my pubes up something fierce when it all ran down my shaft. I'd tell you about some of my other shenanigans, but i must go as she's letting me listen to her masterbate over the phone.
As regards to lame length and girth jokes, she fucking loves it
Edit: i forgot to put i'm an expert at it, ah well we learn by our mistakes
(MarKo K, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 21:04, Reply)

I'm an expert in skiving at work +..
I sign in 15-20mins late, leave 20mins early and despite telling the wages dept. that I'm working 4 hours less over a year ago still being paid at the old rate.

I can make my elbow disappear and on a similiar subject make people disappear in disgust with my jokes, one of which featured prominently in the jokes QOTW.
(Chuckman, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 20:50, Reply)

Fentruk:
How is that possible? You squeezed a teeny tiny pc into an Amiga case right?
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 20:25, Reply)

Uber-charging Amigas.
Some of you may already know I stuck a sempron 2300+ in an Commadore AMIGA 1200
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Mon 27 Jun 2005, 19:50, Reply)

Feet
I can use my feet to do most things..including changing tv channels, running a bath, making sandwiches and playing the Playstation
(Astrid, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 19:35, Reply)

Expert....
..Gameboy Advance/DS game finisher...while on the lav.

I have finished multiple classics, while using a return ticket on porcelain bus, and no mistake.

Rescuing Princess Peach while making a chocolate sundae? I'm your man.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 17:42, Reply)

Toy grabbing machines in service stations
For some reason I have an amazing ability to win toys out of those machines at service stations; the ones where you move the claw up/down & left/right and then press the button to grab.

The first time I discovered this 'expertise' was on the way upto Chester, where I removed about 8 cuddly toys from a machine, alarm bells rang and lights flashed each time I won a toy and by the time I finished I had quite a crowd watching.

I have since removed a large number of toys from burger king, Thorpe Park, Chessington World of Adventures etc etc

Its a bit like an addiction now

Not really all that interesting but true.

POP! First post
(Qualitypapers, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 17:16, Reply)

Spoons
I'm the Fuc-King Expert at flippin' spoons into mugs.

Put the spoon on the work-top with the spoon-handle touching the mug and the spoon-end just hanging over the edge of said work-top, then with a swift upward motion of the hand flip the spoon into the mug.

*Gasp!*

Go on have a go. You'll be the tits in no-time.
(cherry B, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 17:12, Reply)

long tongue
i can touch pick my nose with my tongue. i can also reach under my chin with it altho since i split the piece of skin under my tongue it hurts to do that now
(hey sunshiney day, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 17:07, Reply)

Junk Mail
specifically, charity junk mail.
( isthisyou?, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 17:00, Reply)

Gynaecology
Ahem.

I might not be an expert, but I'll have a good look.

*Taxi*
(Bertie Dastard Wax on, wax off, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Toilet Art Pro.
Does your toilet lack personality? ... Need a big shitty mark down the insde of the pan?

Then I'm your man!!

After YEARS of taking the piss out of my dad from "dropping the kids off" on the beach, and not the pool, It appears that I too have inherrited The Specific DNA profile that creates an arsehole with a squint....

to the left and back a bit if you need to know... and more noticable after a good curry. Infact, the blast-radius that occurs following an upset stomach is quite astounding: Quite how It's possible to shit on the underside of the seat I do not know... It's in the Genes I guess...
:(
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:15, Reply)

Injuring myself in stupid ways
Last week alone I tore my thumbnail half-off taking my hand out of the pocket of my jeans.
I thank you.

oh, also filling the flat with smoke when cooking, even when only boiling stuff.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

1 the kazoo i'm afraid
which has never quite moved across to the guitar unfortunately.
2 fourier analysis(yet to apply it in any of my jobs)
3 looking at someone and immediately knowing the one insult that will hurt their very soul. This, coupled with a minor tendency to speak my mind, has caused problems.
4 autopilot commuting. driving a hundred miles each day and realising i have no recollection of the journeys at all.

5 Cluedo. Have never lost a game in my life. I had to take up cluedo after Monopoly was banned from my house in christmas 86
6 Drunken somersaulting. When i get to the falling down a lot stage, my body manages to know how to roll over and stand me back up again with no damage. This does not work when faced with a doorstep and nowhere to roll i hasten to add.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

Taste testing sherries
First job after uni, and seemed like a dream job at the time - employed as a quality control officer for a sherry company. I like to think that I'm still an 'expert' at recognising an amoroso from an oloroso etc. even though I now can't stand the stuff. Tested twice a day, and you were supposed to spit it out, although it was a great place for the afternoons to fly by :-).

This knowledge will no doubt become useful again in my inevitable decline, living on a park bench clutching a litre bottle of ASDA's finest...
(cilit_mong, Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)

Door to Door Religon sales.
I used to think I was a pro at winding these people up...

Annoying people (AP) "hello, I'm Elder Jones and this is Elder Griffiths"
Humpty (H): Holy Crap!! You've got the same name and the same suit!! What's the chances of that eh?? Must be a miracle. etc.

AP: No, you must not resucitate the clinicly dead: it's against God's will.
H: So when Elijah performed CPR on that kid, He condemned himself to hell??

I had few retorts, and even less knowledge of the bible.. I habitually resorted to rudeness to get rid of them.

Enter John: Quite litterally the son of a Preacher-man. I had the pleasure of being his room-mate an housemate for consecutive years at Uni.

John would invite these people in, and counter-quote everything they said with a 100% correct quote from the bible. John, Born and bred in the nast bits of london had a Weebl+Bob grin that was only a couple of inches from causing his head to hinge in an alarming fasion. This, coupled with his fantastic accent and his habit of calmly sitting there in a dressing-gown, slippers and armchair while systematically and slowly disposing of the previous night's pizza, or Unlucky Fried Kitten, would set off a superiority complex with the cleanly-suited god-botherers, and cause them to quote verse at him with alarming and mis-guided persistance.

Each and every quote was met with a calm and dis-arming counter-quote, and a gentle reminder that "maybe you guys would be better suited to working in a fast-food joint..... you clearly have trouble reading that bible and understanding it.... Do you want some chicken?".

John was and IS clearly heroic at annoying these people, and even more amusingly, when they left in a huff with John's Lunatic Grin following them out of the house, He'd say "Do come back for another cuppa when you've learnt something"

Go John!! :)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Mon 27 Jun 2005, 15:09, Reply)